My marriage is over - can I have a handhold please

[Angryandhurt]

I posted a few weeks ago regarding my husband and a female friendship he had and how this particular friendship left me feeling uncomfortable. Most people seemed to be of the opinion of an emotional affair at best - at worst he was cheating. I told him that for the sake of our marriage he had to stop contact with her (for the record I have no problem with female friends, just this one due to particular issues with my husband's behaviour regarding her) and if he was in contact with her again that would be it. My spidey senses tingled yesterday so I asked him. He denied so I said if he let me look at his itemised billing on his phone, if there were no messages then I would work on my insecurities and never mention it again. So then he went from no messages to "oh she messaged me about xyz on the other day". Told him if he was willing to give me that snippet then he was hiding more from me (something someone said on this thread made me realise that so thank you!). He stalled all day but when he got home from work I told him I wasn't letting it drop, so he gave me access. Not only did he not stop messaging her, there are far, far more messages over many months then I imagined - some months all but a handful are texts to her. He sill insists there's nothing going on and they're just friends and she's the only one he can talk to, as he can't his other (male) friends. Told him if he put as much time and effort into maintaining other friendships (and our marriage) as he puts into his "friendship" with her then maybe he would have other people, including his wife, to speak to. So now that's it, he's gone and I'm utterly heartbroken, facing life as a single parent, wondering what happened to the decent man I married. The one who would do anything for me and would never in a million years treat me like this. A man who has turned into a lying, deceitful, selfish wankstain

Him not admitting that he is having an affair, frienship that is wrong whatever you call it is him not being sure about what he wants or what is available to him.

He would like to keep you on the back burner to keep his choices open.
That's the shit about these types they want assurances that they are making the right choice. It can go on for years.

Very painful for those being decieved.

@feeficken I'm sorry to hear about your situation have you never just given the ultimatum and asked her to leave.?
You are still young and this woman has clearly eroded your confidence but there are many ladies out there who you could share your troubles and re build your confidence with.

@Onthedunes no I never went down that route, the fact she is looking for a new place I guess tells me everything I need to know. I’ve been with her since a teenager only woman I have ever been with which is why perhaps I hold on so tightly.

@Angryandhurt yeah again he’s minimising and giving you trickle truth there, it’ll be hard to know exactly what’s gone on unless he starts being 100% truthful.

@Angryandhurt
I am a few mnths down the line from you. Husband left needing space, teens and I played the pick me dance thinking it was a mental health issue, turns out he has, at the very least, been emotionally involved with someone else for 1 yr possibly 2. He kept us dangling for over 3 mnths before "coming clean" and I don't believe he has been totally truthful. I have told him he isn't coming back and divorce will be applied for ASAP once mediation concludes. I won't/can't stay married to someone I no longer recognise and genuinely thought after 23 yrs married we were going to enjoy life after raising our children and do all the things we had talked about. He threw us into utter hell and distress and still doesn't realise how much damage he has caused especially with his children. He got to walk away and leave me to deal with all the emotional trauma and admin of removing him from my life.
You will get through this, minute by minute and then day by day. You did nothing wrong here so don't let him make you feel like you did. Men that choose to cheat don't deserve strong loving women. Big hugs and positive strength sent your way. You will have good and bad days and the gaps between the bad ones will eventually stretch out, just takes time but you will get there.

Ps you can ask to re-sign the tenancy in only your name but he has a legal, financial and moral obligation to keep your kids housed. Dont let him worm his way out of his responsibilities

@FrankRabbit Housing law in the UK does not work like that.

@Angryandhurt Are you private or social housing?
You are amazing, you gave him an ultimatum, he didnt stick to it so you ended it. Great decisive action. I wish I was you back when I found my husband messaging women in our first year of marriage.

Please dont think you're old and cant start again, I left my husband nearly 3 years ago when I was 37. We had been together 19 years, married for 17.
My husband had numerous emotional affairs throughout our marriage.
My life is 1000x better without him in it, I've never been so happy. My life is everything I want it to be.

I was determined to stay single so I gathered a harem of men who I saw for sex and that was my life for 18 months. It did wonders for my self esteem and self confidence which was at an all time low.
I'm now in a relationship with someone who started off as a FWB, we see each other 3 times a week but we'll never live together - I don't want to share my home with anyone.

@FrankRabbit even IF he is telling me the truth, it's the constant lies and deceit I can't get passed. I cannot abide liers and he knows that.

@SortingItOut we are social housing. I don't feel amazing this morning, I feel like I've blown my kids lives apart. I know it's him and not me that's done that but I just feel so sad for them.

No advice, other than I think you’ve doing the right thing, although I’m sure you don’t think it at the moment. Other people here are better than me at giving advice, but I just had to post to say you’re not alone.

Sorry to hear this update OP. Good on you for getting to the bottom of this and not letting it slide. For the record l don’t message anyone multiple times a day, not even my fiancé. It’s a feeble defence if he’s going to stick to the friendship explanation

I'm so sorry OP you must be devastated, it's so horrible having your dreams of happiness burnt to the ground in this way. I can sympathise, mine played away after 20 years of marriage and left.
Its not so bad being a single mum, not what toy wanted but better than being with a cheating partner who is disloyal and not honest.
You will live again only this time a more honest life. I don't think I could get over a betrayal like this

we are social housing. I don't feel amazing this morning, I feel like I've blown my kids lives apart. I know it's him and not me that's done that but I just feel so sad for them.

YOU haven't done anything at all - HE did this to your children.

So sorry this has happened. So far in my life i have never been so devastated as to find out my exh was not the man, I and everyone else thought he was, so you have all my sympathy.

You are very switched on though and I think him being at his parents will give you space to hopefully sort out the more immediate practicalities you need to move forward, such as money and housing in the interim before you divorce (if that's where it ends up). You got this, even when you don't think you do, you are stronger than you know x

@Angryandhurt As another poster said, you haven't blown your kids lives apart, he has.
He chose to have a secret female friend and to embark on an emotional affair.

I'm not sure if you've mentioned the age of your children but whatever age they are they will get through it.
Right now its all new and different but soon it will be the norm that mum and dad aren't together.
Make sure they aren't kept in the dark and know whats happening, I dont mean that he had an emotional affair but that you are no longer together and dad will see you on x day etc.

My DD is now 18, I split from her Dad when she was 15 in the middle of exams, she is pleased we have split and likes having 2 homes. Children are surprisingly resilient.

If you are in social housing make contact with your Housing Officer tomorrow to keep them updated.
Given his sneaky behaviour I wouldnt put it past him to try and ask for the tenancy in his name or to give notice so you are all homeless.

If your 'husband' agrees to you taking on the tenancy alone and him moving out then your Housing Officer can sort this but you cant have rent arrears.
Every social housing landlord is different so ask what their procedure is so you know.

I'm 9 weeks in after my partner of 12 years leaving because he "needed to sort his head out". He's now shacked up with the (young enough to be his daughter) ow and being the world's shittest dad. We weren't unhappy, in fact had moved house one week prior to him leaving. I have had some very dark days, questioning myself and why I wasn't good enough and my self esteem has been rock bottom. I suspected cheating and was gaslighted and made out to be crazy for suggesting it. A woman's gut instinct is rarely wrong.

I'm just now turning a corner and realising I can come out of this with my head held high. He fucked it up, he's the one ruining the relationship with his son, throwing away a kind, loyal, loving woman and leaving behind our beautiful house. Your partner is the guilty party here, you have nothing to doubt yourself about.

You can do this too. It hurts like hell, but you will get there. Here if you ever want to chat

Hand hold for you op, I know how devastating it is to be discarded by the one person you loved ans trusted. I don’t even recognise my husband, and now it’s not so much the affair that’s devastated me, but the gaslighting, re written history and awful things he’s said, that have made me say enough! I’m 44 and facing life on my own, but rather than then living a lie. You will get through this.

@Maze76 100% thats what does the real damage.

• Blame shifting
• Minimising
• Gaslighting
• Lying
• The lack of fighting for our marriage
• Rewriting History (ties in with gas lighting)
• Thd coldness and sudden distance
• Acting like all of this is normal

It’s the behaviour after discovery that does the most damage and leaves you pretty messed up.

So sorry to read this OP - I can't remember if I commented on your first post but remember reading it.

I was the other way round and was far too invested in a friendship. I realised, was horrified and cut off the friendship fully - I do not speak to my 'friend' at all now, blocked him on everything etc. I was devastated when I realised how invested I'd become and how close I was to loosing everything most precious to me.

Your husband is an idiot and though it doesn't feel like it now, you're a million times better off without him. That he is trying to turn it around and not be accountable, says it all - what a twat.

Handhold OP and a little booster hopefully

Someone I know went through almost exactly what you're going through, but about two years ago.

The DH blamed his DW for his emotional affair.
He gaslit; he lied.
It was so difficult for her.
The DW walked out eventually.

Roll forward to present times: she's happier than she's ever been (like a new person); the DC are thriving, happy and (imo) are happier since the split.
However, the ex is now an embittered twat who's well and truly on his own.

So sorry OP. You will be OK.

It isn't your fault op -to quote: it looks as if there were 3 of you in this marriage and it was a bit crowded!

He has lied to you because he wanted to have his cake and eat it. The OW gives him the excitement that can never be achieved for some people (usually men) in a long term relationship. Maybe she isn’t in a position to be in a relationship with him/hasn’t given him the green light to take things further or maybe he was just happy enough dicking the two of you about.
Texting another woman several times a day, or even regularly, isn’t “normal” IMO and I would never accept this from my own DH. The “you need to work on your insecurity” crap wouldn’t wash with me. It isn’t normal to need that kind of emotional connection with another woman - he should be getting that from his relationship with his wife.
You’ve absolutely done the right thing - I know it’s hard but don’t waver. You caught him out and now he’s trying to take the high ground by moving out and probably waiting for you to crumble and beg him to come back. Like you said yourself, he’ll never admit anything sexual happened between them and you’ll always be wondering.
Leave him to rot at his dm’s!

Thank you all for your support and hand hold. Today has been a tough day. He came round to see the DC this morning and insisting there's no more in it than friendship so the minimising and lies continue. The volume of lies and deceit - for what? Nothing according to him. Absolutely nothing. I actually said to him "You actually have no intention of letting this friendship go do you?" His reply......"I'll try my best to let it go". Speaks volumes. I told him that anyone who was truly sorry would be on their knees and begging for forgiveness, not saying they would "do their best". There's no going back from this, it will just continue and I'll drive myself crazy with distrust

I'm sorry to hear that op. I'll try my best to let it go is not good enough is it?

You are right, he is totally un repentant and does not understand the gravity of the situation, he clearly thinks you will love him no matter what.

Let the games begin....
Lets hope she's worth it.

Whatever this woman means to him, I think he would have left years ago if it was her he wanted as his primary partner. Lovely woman, just as selfish as him, who knows what she wants.

Is he wanting an exit? it's difficult to say but his minimising seems to suggest he wants to keep the status quo. so what would happen if he totally ended all contact, would you be happy?

I don't think you would, his lies and deceit are part of his make up, his past, present and future could be full of lies, no one can live with that.

If things were to go back as they were without this painful betrayal, were you happy? or was he a selfish taker anyway, many of these self absorbed types were not good to begin with.
They usually have a low boredom thresehold, have little interest in others unless extracting something from them, they are shallow, un interesting with limited general knowlledge, philistines and generally boring to talk to, with no depth to speak of, they also do not look inwardly to solve problems, the external will always be the problem.

Do any of these selfish traits resonate with you? focus on the shit before this happened, nobody is perfect but self entitled people usually end up shooting themselves in the foot and I,ve a feeling this is whats happening here.

You don't know what you've got till it gone.
Silly man, he won't be so happy if you move on and shower all that lovely affection, loyalty and love on someone else.

Meanwhile he will be left with a woman who was quite prepared to take your husbands time and affection away from his wife and children, her make up is that of a selfish trout who could never be honest and trustworthy as you.

I know which person I'd rather have.
You are still young and have time to find someone who is not a deceitful pig who will never admit fault.
x

It's really not good enough @Onthedunes and just further cements his lack of respect for me. Anyone who was truly repentant over their appalling behaviour would've said something like "Of course I'll never have contact with her again". I'm not prepared to do that dance anymore.
It's funny you should say about wanting an exit as I said this to my friend today. I asked him if he thought I was too stupid to find out he'd still been in contact with her - he said no. So on that basis, after me making clear last time that it was game over if he did it again, he messaged her KNOWING I would find out and therefore end our marriage. Why? To make himself the victim that I kicked him out so he could try and save face? I've told him if he didn't want to be with me anymore he could've just said. Yes I would be upset but I'm a big girl and know people fall out of love, I would've got over it.

@Angryandhurt

Well thats the thing op , not only do they want their cake and to eat it, you will never know the truth of what they actually want because no one but him is entitled to that knowledge.
He will control all naratives, whether he wants to remain with you or go the story and how it is presented to others is totally in his command.

You are just a bit player, a nobody, he really sounds very unpleasant.
Be careful.

He sounds narcisistic.

Now the stupid tears are coming. My children are in bed and I'm sat here in tears wondering how he can do this to me. I'm not perfect by any stretch, I can be messy and moody but I don't deserve this. I know I'll sound silly here after the way he's treated me but he's not a horrible person so I don't understand how he could do this. I sent him links to emotional affairs earlier just to try and get him to see exactly what he's done to me and why I'm so angry at his lack of comprehension. Over half my life with him and all thrown away for nothing