I am jealous of my dh and it is corroding our relationship

[toomanygraves]

I've only just realised that this is what it is. He is wildly successful in the same field as I am, works all the time, and I am not at all/just becoming successful in the same field, but it is very hard when I am the one holding the family - 2 dds - together whilst he swans off to various festivals around the world and basically does whatever he needs to do. I have very little work time, and I am so frustrated at the moment that I am not using what I do have well. I don't want his life - I don't think I have the stamina or resilience to work 100 hours a week - but I would love a tiny tiny amount of it - world! people! creativity! and I resent the fact that I seem to have been cast in this support mould, when that's not at all what I wanted and I am rubbish at it. It's the horrible, medieval, strength of the jealousy I'm worried about - it's really eating into everything. If I were a cartoon, my face would be green and all twisted.

Does he do anything to help take the pressure off you with regards to looking after your dd's so that you also get time to focus on your work?

This is an equal partnership, an equal marriage, and if you are not happy with your role in it then you have every right to change things.

Does he understand how you feel? (Not the jealousy bit, but the fact that you are so unhappy and resent the role that you have in your relationship)

fwiw I very much doubt you are rubbish at being a mum and wife and holding the family together. You sound like you're doing a great job. And it is hard balancing being a mum with a career. Very hard at times! But the one way you can do it all, is if you have the understanding and support from your dh.
Do you think he can/will give you that?

Hi, Sounds like you need to re-negotiate how you are dividing up family responsibilities.

I think its easy to slip into a pattern of doing everything without really discussing it and then getting more and more resentful until finally exploding with rage/imploding with depression/drifting apart.

Can you discuss things with your DH and find a balance that works better for you? He does a little bit less work and is around more to free you up to do a bit more? Be honest about how unhappy you are - men often don't notice what is in front of them (particularly if noticing would mean having to change a situation they are happy with!) Sorry, that's a gross generalisation. Some men...

Thanks. Yes. We nearly split up this year over this - I was so pissed off with him I was nearly unfaithful - managed to rein myself in at the last minute - and told him so that he would realise how unhappy I was. He didn't mention it for 7 months, apart from an "oh really?" until I forced him to. I have since been to Relate and spent a lot of time thinking and trying to get him to talk. It is hard for him too - he is super successful and brilliant and respected in his field and why would he want to jeopardise that by cutting down his hours ? but medieval twisty woman seems to be here for the long haul unless something gives........ I think the hours would be slightly less of a problem if he weren't doing EXACTLY what I want to be doing. He says he can see a way of cutting down his hours in 2 years' time, but I don't know if I can survive that long!

It doesn't sound like it's your jealousy that is corroding your relationship as much as your husband acting completely single mindedly and selfishly as if his career was more important than his family. I don't really have any other advice other than don't blame yourself - most women would have some very strong feelings about being in the situation you're in.

So do you feel that his career is more important to him than his family, his wife, and most of all, his wife's feelings?
What would be his answer to that? Does he acknowledge just how difficult this is for you?
(Assume that almost having an affair and you going to Relate should be a pretty strong sign of how unhappy you are.)

What would happen if you turn round one day and say you just cannot do this anymore and can't carry on with the way things are. Surely then you would have to change things and reach a compromise together. i.e. give and take on both sides.
(sounds like currently it's only you who's giving and he is doing all the taking)

my point there too, was that presumably you made the choice to have children together, and at no point did you agree to put your career and happiness on hold for the sake of his, so this is a joint problem and he has to play his part in sorting it out. so what if he's excellent at his job. he's having the time of his life by the sound of it!
the children are 50% his too!...

Does he go to Relate with you?

no, he couldn't go to Relate, because he works almost every evening, and so I went in the day, whilst the kids were at school, taking up MORE of my work time. I wanted to prove to him that I was serious about my level of unhappiness. It was a good exercise in that it showed me how much of him I still love, but also where things were going wrong. But what it didn't do is make him go "Hey, toomanydaves is really unhappy, I am going to change!" He says "but it's WORK" as if that is the end of the matter. The kind of work we do is hardly down 't pit. I see him increasingly less as my husband and more as my captor/the person who stops me being who I am. And that is a really horrible feeling to have about someone who you love.

It's the arrival of the dch that has changed your life; make the most of this time, while they are young. Before you know it they will be off your hands and you'll be wishing you had the time over with them. Try to 'give him permission' to swan about, as you put it; that might make you feel ore in control - it's not for ever.

This is from someone who unexpectedly got pg with twins and had to give up work as unable to afford childcare; VERY hard at first but you get used to it!

Your DH sounds utterly selfish toomanydaves. Like Baffy says, the children are his too! Why is it that you are expected to do everything round the home?

If he doesn't care that you are so unhappy then that doesn't say very much for him, as a husband or a father.

Sorry, that's not much help is it? But I think your feelings are completely justified.

AFAICS he needs to stop being such a selfish arsehole but I don't know what you can do about that.

Oh but he isn't a selfish arsehole. He is just blind and like many driven men completely obsessed with his work. When he IS around, he is committed to us totally and brilliant with the kids. Truly. It is this which makes it so hard. I am also full of self-doubt after 8 years of not working properly and am scared that if he does give things up for me I will not be able to rise to the occasion and will bugger everything up. We have both bought into the idea that I am a "problem" somehow and I catch him criticising me as if that is ok - have just recently stopped him doing this. It had become a habit. I am always navel gazing and introspecting and trying to improve myself, and so he had joined in trying to improve me too

can i ask what it is you both do? It might make it easier for us to see where things could change for the pair of you.

DH and I are both office workers in same company, same building, both full time. Neither of us are particularly driven we work to pay the bills and thats it - family comes first. We had a rocky start when i went back to work - i was expected to do everything and a full days work - he's only recently joined the 21st century and realised the house/home/kids/relationship are his responsibility too. He may need a short sharp shock, but if you could tell us what you do we might be able to better advise.

okay, it sounds as though it's a talent-based rather than hard-slog-based area - what is your honest assessment of your talent? can you visualise yourself being successful in this field and combining that with having a happy family life? or would you need a "wife" to organise everything at home for you?

realistically how much time would you need to devote to your work in order to become successful? can you buy yourself that extra time with childcare, help around the home etc? rally other family members to help? can you streamline and organise your other responsibilities any more?

not removing any burden of responsibility from your dh, just seeing how you can take more power over the situation.

does he acknowledge the sacrifices you have made for him? does he not see that it's time to pay some of those sacrifices back before he loses what you've built up together completely. you are a partnership, you don't exist solely to prop him up (and i don't imagine for a minute he signed up for that any more than you do, it sounds as though you've unwittingly drifted into this situation).

if he is successful he should be able to wield some of the power that comes with success and either cut his hours on a regular basis or at the very least take some time off so you can talk this over properly.

fwiw from the account you've given, your clearsightedness and your humour he'd be an utter idiot to lose you and i imagine he knows that if he'd clear his mind enough to think.

My dears, we are WRITERS, for the THEATRE, don't you know. Please don't tell everyone; it sounds so wnaky. He is also a director, hence the swanning off round the world. I used to be one too but sensibly decided that it would kill the kids if we both were doing that. I dont' miss it tbh. Too stressful.
I am pulling myself up very very slowly into writerland again. People are beginning to notice me again. But it is SLOW and it is an arseache when as this year I have had to stop completely for 6 months to singlehandedly deal with family issues.

This doesn't sound like jealousy per se. This sounds like a woman's age old plea for the same opportunities and chances that men get (eg, freedom to ignore family stuff such as prioritising going to Relate to swan off around the world for work).

OK he is successful in a field that you were (are) in but that is partly because he is able to neglect everything else to focus on that. You say you have very little work time - no surprise when he is out every night pursuing his dreams.

This is classic pram in the hallway territory. Don't worry about the "horrible medieval strength of the jealousy" - it's perfectly normal. You were brought up like all of us to believe that women can have it all then you got there and found that actually men still dominate most work fields and you feel cheated and angry.

My only consoling thought is that your apparently sensible and boring decision to put your children first actually means you are the one managing the most important prodution - ie, your family.

IMHO there will never be equal ops until it is entirely unacceptable for men with wives and children to do 100 hours a week. They need to give up something of their careers in order to understand that having children is a sacrifice and EVERYONE has to give up something to have children.

I still work full time and I love my job but any sense of progression has gone on hold while I have a young one at home because I am just not free to attend evening meetings etc. I am happy with that sacrifice, mainly because I don't have a partner to take advantage of my sacrifice and build his career on the embers of mine.

I'm sure he's not a selfish arsehole but he's unwittingly taking advantage and doing what men have done for centuries, not realising that these days women have aspirations too.

Sounds tricky, not least as you're both in the same profession. I guess the first question is did you know he was like this when you decided to have kids and what did you agree to do afterwards?

I ask this because before me and DW had DS I had a similar job in terms of hours (albeit in the slightly diametrically opposed life of the City). We talked about it and decided that I'd look for something lower key with less travel, fewer hours (and lower pay) so I could be around more. Also, it meant that when DW went back to work I was also able to help with the childcare (e.g. morning getting ready and drop-offs) in a way that I'd no way have been able to previously.

Personally, I don't mind the trade-off as for me, family is more important. On the other hand, plenty of guys I know are still incredibly work-focused, still work insane hours and travel frequently and do very little childcare as a result. Their partners (unlike DW) are much more accepting of this because I think, either they bring home enough money, can arrange good childcare support and/ or have talked about it beforehand.

Tough one. Many of us struggle to adjust to the loss of self that comes with being the stay at home parent, so you're not alone.

What is it exactly you would like/want your dh to do to help you feel better?

How old are your dds? You mention that they are in school - can you not write when they are there? Are you in a position financially to send them to a childminder/hire a babysitter or nanny or aupair so that you have more time to yourself/time to write? What about hiring a cleaner so that job is taken off you, thereby freeing your time more?

Presumably your family is reaping the financial rewards of your 'super successful' dh's long hours, so if you can, throw money at the problem to buy yourself time to do the things you want/need.

TMD - this is so tricky. Your post could almost have been written by a friend of mine with v similar issues in a related field. It's so difficult when you're freelance and your work is also creative / your vocation - people expect, and of course you want to put in as many hours as it takes.

Maybe you need to block out some time with him to sit down and think about how to make things work better for you. Can you have more childcare so that you have more time to set aside for your work? Can he try to take 1 day a week off so that he can pick up the domestic pieces on that day? If you have a project which you're working on to a high level (not necessarily the same amount that he's working, but to the same level), will he do what's necessary to ensure you're able to do it - maybe coming along with the DDs in tow etc?

In your position I think I'd find a decent childminder for at least a day a week. If your dh works 100 hour weeks he can afford it. I'd also take more advantage of the time your dh is home to concentrate on your own projects whilst leaving your dh to play catch up with his dds. I'd also invest in whatever help I could get (cleaners, window cleaners, internet shopping, direct debits etc) to free up as much time as possible. Then I'd nick half hour - hour portions of the day for myself two or three times a day whilst your dds watched telly/dvds / are absorbed in some game / whatever. It'd also leave you with more energy in the evenings to work on your own stuff. Lastly have you any family close by who could help?

And DON'T let self doubt lead you to worry that your work is less important and/or might all go wrong if you ask him to give up time for you. If you were both successful before DCs, there's no reason at all why your work shouldn't take off as much as you want it to if you can invest the time in it!

Oh. This sounds familiar Toomanydaves.

He's a writer, so he's selfish, there's not much you can do about that I don't think. Chats won't work.

Let him go and be successful. Smile through gritted teeth. You are resentful because he is doing what you want to do. That's not his fault. You have to free your green twisty women, by DOING what you want to do too.

It may take longer. The laundry may not get done. There may be no food in the house. Fark it. Do your thing too, arrange things so you can.

You may not be flying around the world now. But you will be. But only if you slap him on the back, get your head down and do your own stuff.

The scales will even up again eventually.

Herewith endeth the sermon.

Basically - you're resentful because you know you are as selfish as him but you have RESPONSIBILITIES and it isn't fair.

Bugger that.

Get selfish too, get selfish AND have responsibilities. It is possible.

Get to it woman! Begone green twisty creature moaning about the castle and wailing in the wind. Enter proud damsel who juggles and looks five years into the future.

Do you have a cleaner/nanny/domestic help stuff like that so you have enough time to enjoy your kids and work without the work of laundary/cooking/cleaning. Would that help you be more satisfied with your life?

OK, he's basically one of these people who thinks, at bottom, that women exist to service men and children, and anything else they might do is just a 'little hobby' and unimportant. Nice man as he may be in many wasy, he sees you as a possession ('I've got a Wife&family') and therefore doesn't see any reason for his behaviour to change because he's happy and his needs are being met.
As far as he is concerned, men are more important than women, andthat's just the way of the world.
YOu need to give him clear instructions as to how to make things better for you and a time frame for them to happen in. THe first thing is that if he's so successful he can put some money towards childcare and some of the housework/organisation. The second thing is that he books a regular slot in his diary to do stuff that benefits you and the DC - he needs to learn that he's not the most important person in the family, that the family is more than just his support system and proof that he's 'normal'.

No, no, no. You need to listen to ME

Forget him. Move on from that. DO YOUR WORK.

Part of it may be that you want to be (and would be) as successful as he is in the exact same field. Is there another area of writing you could do where you could rise, albeit slowly, up the ladder and become successful? That may take the immediate comparison away from you & your dh.