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Original poster

I am jealous of my dh and it is corroding our relationship

82 replies

toomanygraves · 06/11/2007 09:37

I've only just realised that this is what it is. He is wildly successful in the same field as I am, works all the time, and I am not at all/just becoming successful in the same field, but it is very hard when I am the one holding the family - 2 dds - together whilst he swans off to various festivals around the world and basically does whatever he needs to do. I have very little work time, and I am so frustrated at the moment that I am not using what I do have well. I don't want his life - I don't think I have the stamina or resilience to work 100 hours a week - but I would love a tiny tiny amount of it - world! people! creativity! and I resent the fact that I seem to have been cast in this support mould, when that's not at all what I wanted and I am rubbish at it. It's the horrible, medieval, strength of the jealousy I'm worried about - it's really eating into everything. If I were a cartoon, my face would be green and all twisted.

OP posts:
florenceuk · 08/11/2007 15:32

I kind of know what you mean although DH and I are only boring economists. But I agree with 100x that the answer is for you to make some time through hiring childcare - if your Dh is so very wildly successful, you as a couple must be able to afford it. Put it this way, is it better for your kids that they get 100% from you personally but you and your DH get divorced, or you get some childcare (a nanny rather than an afterschool club) to let you do your own thing for some of the time, and you stay with your DH?

Anna8888 · 08/11/2007 17:35

Swedes2 - if your hourly wage doesn't vary if you drop your hours, as is true for some professionals, then what you say can be true. But most senior management jobs don't work that way. BTW I used to be a management consultant too, and I know the theory. But in practice people who went part-time didn't progress at the same rate as people who were full on.

On taxation - I don't actually know about the UK but in France it is more tax efficient for a married couple with one very high earner if the other partner doesn't work .

toomanydaves · 08/11/2007 19:54

Ah, Anna. I was expecting you to show up sooner or later. I admire your sang froid and your equanimity, but we are completely different. Your life works for you - and that is fantastically good for you and I wish I could be as content as you - but mine doesn't for me.

Earlybird. This is the hilariously unattainable thing I want him to do for me. He would say: "look tmd, I have worked out how much less we would have to live on if I did x and y in order to spend more time with the kids. Because I love you and because I recognise that you too want to work and because dd2 has health issues and you are thus picky about childcare I am prepared to accept the loss in status that this may afford me. Are you up for it? Shall we take the leap?" But as 100times said, the likelihood of that happening is quite slim.

margoandjerry · 08/11/2007 21:19

But Anna:

a) her partner doesn't do 60 hours. He does 100 hours.

and

b) the OP is not happy with the balance.

That's all you really need to know. There's a point at which you are no longer working to earn money for your family. You are glory-hunting. That's what's going on here.

foxinsocks · 08/11/2007 21:24

but the thing is, you can't be so picky about childcare that they can't do any form of childcare and then worry about them not having any childcare and therefore not having any time to yourself

if you were closer, I'd do a nanny share with you. I am thinking about getting one and our house is a tip so I want a nice family with a house who can be main nanny people and my children can just tag along (they are good like that).

Look for a nanny share - there should be a fair few in your neck of the woods.

madamez · 08/11/2007 22:00

Also, what appears to be perhaps the root of the problem here is that TMD's partner doesn't appear to give a flying fck that she's unhappy - because he's not unhappy, and as far as he's concerned, he's the person here and she is his wife* ie an appendage.

toomanydaves · 08/11/2007 22:02

Thanks M and J! Foxy. I'm not THAT picky. I'm moderately picky because of writing in the house and epipens and recurring health problems and instability and a quaint belief in parents looking after their kids.But the main pickiness has been about money. In the home of rugby even a part time nanny costs £250 a week. DP has hitherto not given his blessing for that kind of expenditure as I have only earned a minuscule amount in the last year. Catch 22.
But I will re-research and rewheedle.
WHAT IS YOUR NEW JOB. IS IT EXCITING?

MarshaBrady · 08/11/2007 22:16

Toomanydaves I too am in the 'creative' field, a very competitive one at that. Luckily I have made enough dosh to afford childcare for my one son because if I didn't I wouldn't have time in the studio.

Ok so if you're choosing this life, it needs to be funded (once children are on the scene).

You need free childcare non? Family, friends? to help you and set you free to do more of your own stuff (forget the jealousy bit, that's just letting you know what you want). And I know this slog, it's a steep hill.

Skribble · 08/11/2007 22:24

toomanygraves I could have written that post a few months ago. I felt the same that Dh gets all the glory and ok has more pressure at work but he had the freedom to organise his work the way he wants/needs to. I have to fit everything around the kids. I was very jealous.

Funny you sound like you are in a similar industry . Unfortunatly we are now seperated, his choice not mine. But I still can't work much due to the kids, but I am studying for a degree related to our industry so perhaps I will overtake him soon .

Anyway that doesn't offer you much help right now, I suppose I am just saying I understand the way you must feel. Like playing 2 fiddle really. Stick at it as the kids get older and you can do more work you might feel better, perhaps there are other ways you can develop your career to without having to go out and work more hours.

foxinsocks · 08/11/2007 22:32

oh no, not exciting at all.

tbh, I don't think he's in a position to make a call about what childcare is necessary or not seen as he's not around very much!

foxinsocks · 08/11/2007 22:33

your dh I mean!

toomanydaves · 08/11/2007 23:12

Ok. I am going to try and organise some better childcare..... and hide the bank statements from dh? Terrifying. I am from a very poor background and have a tendency to want to "keep it real." The idea of nannies is tricky for my plebian consciousness. BUT if it will keep my twisted sister at bay.....

florenceuk · 08/11/2007 23:15

childcare is not for you, it's for both of you. If your DH can afford it, you both need it for your own mental health and happiness.

toomanydaves · 08/11/2007 23:23

Or I might just leave him.

Elizabetth · 08/11/2007 23:26

He does need to be supporting you in this. If he doesn't take your work seriously in some ways it means he doesn't take you seriously.

margoandjerry · 08/11/2007 23:32

I have a nanny. If you are single parent (which I'm sorry to say it sounds like you are) and you can remotely afford it, it's a great solution.

Also, one way to sell the solution to your soul is to take note, as I do every day, that my nanny is hugely better at childcare than I am. She actually seems to enjoy the playing which I find a real strain. And she lets me go to work. I am going to put a here because that is how my work makes me feel.

My daughter is the most important thing in my life obviously and if I had to I'd give up my job and be a street sweeper as long as we could be together. But I don't have to, and my job makes me happy. It's part of who I am and I am grateful that I get to fulfil both parts of me. You need a bit of that. Think Virginia Woolf - a Room of Ones Own. That's what you need.

warthog · 09/11/2007 08:05

why doesn't he take any part in your family or the kids? why is his life a lot more important? sorry, but doesn't sound like he has much respect.

i'm in total agreement that you should find a way, but at the same time, he should help.

toomanydaves · 09/11/2007 09:02

M and J what do you do? You sound very sorted and grown up. Yes my work makes me too and sometimes , when I have time to do it. Good old Virginia. Skribble, up the sisterhood. I hope you push through and get to where you need to be. MarshaBrady thanks for the pep talk. It is good to know there are others ploughing that particular furrow.....round here it's all miniature poodles and gym bunnies......

Swedes2Turnips1 · 09/11/2007 10:46

Anna8888 - I think once you get to a certain level and specialism of management consultancy - your clients are pleased to have your services for as many days as you can spare. Agree that whilst climbing the greasy pole to partner level, this strategy would not work.

Anna8888 · 09/11/2007 13:05

Swedes - still not convinced that it's always like that. In my old firm they tried very hard to allow people to work part-time and were into promoting part-timers to partner for quite a while but they have more or less given up on that and are trying to give more support to families (nannies, extended breaks once every few years) rather than keeping people on 3-day a week contracts. In fact, the three day a week thing worked better for consultants and - even better - managers than for partners.

Swedes2Turnips1 · 09/11/2007 14:45

Until you get to partner level you are a fee earner, they charge you out at a much higher rate than they pay you so it makes sense to have as many fee earners out earning fees as possible (for 5 days not less). When you are an equity partner you receive a cut in the profits, proportionate to the hours you work. Clearly if you work for your own consultancy you are fee earner and equity partner so you can do what suits you best - which is why my partner works only 3 days a week. He will be able to go back to 5 days a week if he wants to when our two tinies (who are under 2) go to school.

Anna8888 · 09/11/2007 14:50

The thing about being a partner (in my old firm) is that it requires a huge amount of international travel and networking - and those are very hard to compress. Whereas being a manager (managing a case team) was largely office based, being a consultant meant being partly at the client's and partly in the office, and being a junior consultant meant doing anything anywhere at anytime. So manager was the best deal for part-timers.

stealthsquiggle · 09/11/2007 15:05

If you remove the "glamourous" world of theatre are replace it with the achingly dull world of IT, the OP could describe me and DH. Time was we were on a par, had similar career paths and earned similar salaries. Now he earns more than twice what I do and has the high-flying career and I am left being the twisty green person knowing I could do his job given half a chance (something which he does not believe, BTW, and that really winds me up).

I am not sure I have any answers for the OP - only empathy - except that if you were to get help (nanny share? Mature AuPair, since you are in the house?) it could be presented to DP as him paying for someone to contribute some of the hours of childcare which he is not there for which he would be if he worked "normal" hours (it's the evenings that grind you down IME)

CristinaTheAstonishing · 09/11/2007 15:06

I recently read "The parasites" by Daphne du Maurier about the theatre world and thought of it when reading the thread. (This is NOT a snide remark, just the latest book i read.)

My DH finds exams v easy, whereas i fakll apart at them. I felt a bit of envy and it's horrible when you know that otherwise you do actually want your partner to succeed at them.

Swedes2Turnips1 · 09/11/2007 15:35

doesn't it rather depend on what division you work in. my dp is entirely occupied with financial institutions in the city of london and v v v rarely needs to travel. however at his olf firm - v well known - he spent years in hotel rooms abroad. yuk.