I am jealous of my dh and it is corroding our relationship

[toomanygraves]

I've only just realised that this is what it is. He is wildly successful in the same field as I am, works all the time, and I am not at all/just becoming successful in the same field, but it is very hard when I am the one holding the family - 2 dds - together whilst he swans off to various festivals around the world and basically does whatever he needs to do. I have very little work time, and I am so frustrated at the moment that I am not using what I do have well. I don't want his life - I don't think I have the stamina or resilience to work 100 hours a week - but I would love a tiny tiny amount of it - world! people! creativity! and I resent the fact that I seem to have been cast in this support mould, when that's not at all what I wanted and I am rubbish at it. It's the horrible, medieval, strength of the jealousy I'm worried about - it's really eating into everything. If I were a cartoon, my face would be green and all twisted.

Toomanydaves, listen to Ahundredtimes, she's so making sense! It's OK to be jealous if a healthy dose of competitiveness is what drew you to each other anyway. Focusing on your creative needs is key to keeping your relationship going, if that is what you want to do. Sorry if that sounds w*nky but you do need to put your own career first now the DCs are at school. The only medieval thing about what you're saying is the self-sacrifice line: it's the 21st century! there are good childminders and laptops you can use on buses and in coffee shops, be bold, slay that dragon.

hey tmd

Nothing remotely creative - I'm in finance (work for a very small investment company).

I used to write but I spent too long working with journalists - the (macho) sort with bylines and photos above their pieces - and it was so dreadful I had to leave and scuttle back to nerdy finance. The egos nearly killed me. I would love to get back to it but I know I can't live in that sort of environment so I'll stick with what I do now. I don't know anything about your sort of writing but I guess you would have to be pretty robust in that field too.

Anyway, obviously am not in the least sorted but I'll tell you something I think helps give the impression I'm sorted: I'm on my own. I do everything and there's no discussion about it. I don't have to spend any emotional time or effort negotiating the sort of minefields you've all described on here. Obviously there are massive downsides to this but I really think in many, many ways, it's easier. I'm not recommending it but I genuinely think I have it easier.

Hope the fellow feeling on here helps you get to where you need to be.

Swedes2 - where I used to work there certainly wasn't a non-travel option. Think that's the case in most strategy houses.

I've really enjoyed reading this thread, sorry for getting enjoyment out of your misery TMD. So interesting, I've gone this way and that, from agreeing you are indulging in a little too much navel gazing to, nah get him to cut those bloody hours back, and in the end, arrghghgh - I don't know.

Sorry but I have no advice of any usefulness. My green monster does raise its ugly head now and again but at the moment its easily put down,but then I'm just at the start, I may be a little more twisty and gargoyle like come school age. Oh and I never left success behind to have family so easy for me.

You certainly sounds like a great mother and wife though, and a successful writer - god its the life of novels eh - lucky old you. How very fortunate to have such a dilema. Not that that helps, your misery is the same whether its a fortunate position that allows you that misery or not.

I really really hope you figure it all out anyway. Sounds like you've just gotta write, I really hope you figure out how to do it all.

God, I've got nothing useful to say at all, sorry.

Toomanydaves just had another look at this.
In the first year of ds' life I was happy at home, then I wanted to get back in the studio. Had to do pieces of work that met the expectations of their high value to cover £70 every day I was there (studio + london childcare).
Did it, but near bloody did me and my relationship with the dh in.

What I am saying is that it is very possible indeed if you are creative to feel trapped (and I have loads of artist friends who can understand this)
My answer to you is this, let your husband continue to be successful, but use this success to get some decent childcare. You will instantly feel less trapped.
Let me know how you go! CAT me or whatever that is if you want to chat more.

As far as I can tell there are very few people trying to make livings in the big bad big boy world's of writing / art etc on mn.

Very good advice from marshabrady I think toomanydaves...don't feel like you ought to be 'doing it all' (gawd I know that feeling)!

If you can get some good childcare then it really will make all the difference and free up time for you to pursue your own ambitions. Go for it

Thanks for all the messages. M and J and Marsha Brady, thanks for the pep talks. You sound like excellent people. I spent the weekend AWAY with DP so we could try and talk things over... he managed to keep his phone off and we talked about it. He hadn't spent a single moment thinking about my situation so he had a lot of catching up to do, but he is no dunderhead and he did understand. He has given me leave to get childcare and also we are going to find a space for me to work...maybe do the loft if we can afford it. Because at the moment if he needs to write at home he just ejects me from the office, citing deadlines - which obviously doesn't do wonders for my twisty woman. Sadly there are other issues in our relatinonship which mean that I don't know if it will survive anyway - but at least we can give it a chance before twisty woman destroys it. So thanks, all.