Does anyone else have no adult who loves them?

[noteatingdirt]

I find it really hard living like this. My parents are dead and they had their own issues from their own childhoods so we weren't close. I have one sibling but he has never really liked me and we don't talk. My marriage died when I realised my husband didn't even know me let alone love me and that he had serious issues of his own.

I try to do all the right things, or at least did before lockdown, go out and meet people, new hobbies, be friendly etc. I have some friends, but not close friendships since I moved city a number of years a go. I am very aware that I am on the edges of everyone else's established friendship circles and I could drop away without them really caring or noticing much. And, to be honest, I want more than a friend I see now and then.

I have two young kids and I just feel really lonely - really alone. And its more than the absence of people, its more like an existential aloneness that I find really hard to bear. I had my kids very late in life and I don't really expect anyone would want a relationship with someone in my situation. In fact, whenever I have had men express interest they look horrified when I tell them I have kids and their ages. Only the men who only want NSA sex are still interested.

There is no-one to say, ' well done' or ' I see how hard you are trying with your kids', or ' I see you and care for you.' I work really hard all the time and there is no-one to see or recognise or comment on it.

I'm dreading the kids getting older and moving away from me emotionally - as I am keenly aware how much their love and cuddles mean to me. Once they remove that physical contact, no-one will touch me.

I do all the self care stuff but I just now think, ' I am fucking sick to the back teeth of self care. What I want, what I really want, is someone to care for ME.'

Hi. I've felt like this from time to time. I often wondered if I would feel better if I had a pet.

Would you consider giving online dating a go when it's safer to date?

Sending you love and a handhold

Sending a hug your way - you're doing brilliantly bringing up your children and don't forget it

It so important to be seen, properly, and heard and understood. Absence of that eats away at one's soul.

I don't have this experience now, but as a result of various choices I will be alone in my old age and this is something I worry about.

Thanks.

I hate to be resolutely negative re dating, but seriously, who wants to take on a middle aged woman with young children? I don't even earn much so can't really afford to date anyway.

Didn’t want to read and run.
Can you say those to yourself? Your opinion of what you do is more important than anyone else’s so you acknowledging that you’re doing a great job should mean more (even though I know it often doesn’t feel it).
Don’t write yourself off for a relationship if that’s what you want but don’t romanticise having one either. There are many positives to being single.

It so important to be seen, properly, and heard and understood. Absence of that eats away at one's soul

God, this! this! this! Thank you so much for articulating this! That is exactly this. Not feeling seen, heard or understood. Its being lonely in your soul.

It doesn't sound like it would be everyone's viewpoint but I'm not sure if anyone loves me but I'm not at all concerned.
For context I have parents, a husband, children, lots of friends. Do they love me? I don't really think so. Do we get on and have good times together? Yes abundantly. Do I have people I could turn to in hard times? Yes.

Maybe I have a different concept of love to other people.

Me. I’m married but my husband doesn’t love me. I’d rather be in your situation.

@MiddlesexGirl

It doesn't sound like it would be everyone's viewpoint but I'm not sure if anyone loves me but I'm not at all concerned. For context I have parents, a husband, children, lots of friends. Do they love me? I don't really think so. Do we get on and have good times together? Yes abundantly. Do I have people I could turn to in hard times? Yes.

Maybe I have a different concept of love to other people.

But I don't have parents , a husband and lots of friends. I don't really have anyone I could turn to in hard times.

I hear you 💐 There are many people who are in the same boat and many people who still have their parents that don’t understand. Would having a dog help?

I’m in the same boat

No to a dog! I have enough on my plate without adding in a dog! It wouldnt' be fair on the dog anyway as once I go back to the office it would be on its own all day.

Does it bother you @rulerbirds? How do you cope?

There are many people who are in the same boat and many people who still have their parents that don’t understand

Yes, I remember a poster on here saying, 'I am completely alone. All I have is my mum, my sister, my husband and a few friends. Apart from them I have no-one.'

do you let people get to know you? You say even your husband didnt really know you?

It’s hard doing everything yourself and no one adult to really share that with. What sort of way would you like things to change if you could have a positive change? I’m not underestimating the barriers you have, it’s just you seem quite certain that this situation can’t be changed and that’s a very difficult place to be.

@Branleuse

do you let people get to know you? You say even your husband didnt really know you?

Oh yes! Sometimes I wonder if I overshare... The problem with my husband not knowing me really was not about my lack of communication. He just wasn't interested in anyone but himself.

@SilverRoe

It’s hard doing everything yourself and no one adult to really share that with. What sort of way would you like things to change if you could have a positive change? I’m not underestimating the barriers you have, it’s just you seem quite certain that this situation can’t be changed and that’s a very difficult place to be.

Well there's loads of things I need to change really! My life imploded a while back. I can't really see anything to do about the loneliness. I want someone I am number one for, I suppose. Someone who really cares for me and knows me.

I hear you noteatingdirt and understand. My parents are no longer here, no husband or kids and whilst I do have some good friends, we’re no longer as close as we were and I would feel hesitant to ask them for help if I really needed it.

I think this last year has really made many of us evaluate relationships and has really exacerbated feelings of isolation and loneliness.

I agree with a previous poster that you shouldn’t just write off relationships because you feel no-one will want you at your age with young kids. Not all men are the same, there may very well be a wonderful man out there who would love you for who you are and wouldn’t be at all put off by the fact you have young children. But finding a man isn’t necessarily an answer to solving the problem of loneliness and not feeling seen or heard – many people can be lonely within a relationship as we see all to often on these boards.

I know it’s much easier said than done, but I think we need to somehow find connections from a variety of sources and people. Like reading a poem or a quote, or hearing some song lyrics from someone else that completely encapsulates and sums up how we are feeling – it immediately sparks a feeling of connection and can make us feel a little less alone because someone else understands and feels the same way.

Apologies if this all sounds a bit wanky, I’m finding it hard to articulate what I want to say – but for instance if you love Star Trek and you can find other people who share your love of Star Trek, then by joining online groups – or simply following other Star Trek lovers on social media, it can help to satisfy some of those feelings of aloneness because there are other people out there who share your passion.

It doesn’t solve the problems of physical loneliness or not having someone to share your day to day life with, but if you think of all your different needs – love and belonging (company, connection, support, friendship), self esteem etc, then by starting to fulfil some of the needs, the unfilled bit doesn’t seem so big.

What things interest you? What do you love? Are there any online communities or groups you can join or follow? What would you like to have in your life that you don’t currently have?

It may be little comfort now, but think of the decades and decades of love you'll receive from your children if you're even half decent to them as they're growing up.

I know MN tends towards fractious relationships with parents but I look at my nearly nonagenarian parent and she's had more than fifty years of being loved and liked and admired by her children. It's not nothing. Whether it's flowers on Mother's Day or visiting you in hospital every day for months and months, or long phone calls about not very much - if you're lucky you'll have all that to come.

I don't know if you have any interests you're 'passionate' about? Tbh, outside of family, it's entirely possible for one's strongest relationships to be with people you share something important with, rather than with romantic partners. This can be surprising, if one discovers it. (I'm actually talking about creative endeavours - not religion, btw!)

I know it must be hard to feel so alone, but don't dismiss the possibility that your best life with other people may not follow the models of parental or romantic love.

Ha! Slow typing Baileys has said almost exactly the same thing. So it must be true!

I have another thread going and I will shortly be in a similar position to you. My kids are grown and have their own lives. My mom adores me but she is old and in poor health. I totally understand what someobe else said about wanting to be seen properly Haven't felt that for a long time.

@PursuingProxemicExactitude your post is lovely and I will try to follow your advice.

Thanks for that @Baileysandcream and @PursuingProxemicExactitude

I do have two hobbies I do, well two classes I go to. One I haven't made friends at (they are all decades younger than me and mostly young men) but I enjoy it. The other I do invite people to the pub after and try to make friends that way. I know I am coming across as negative but I do try really hard. I would love a community, I even tried joining a church but I didn't really believe it all so stopped going. I'm not even sure where to look now to find that community and my time is obviously limited with work and young kids.

OP, I hear you.
Whatever the realities of my situation, I feel that absence. I've just been writing about it elsewhere. A 'You Are Loved' slogan always makes me think 'No, I'm fucking not. And there must be others like me!'
I'm working on turning the vast love I have to give, in on myself. It's helping.