Does anyone else have no adult who loves them?

[noteatingdirt]

I find it really hard living like this. My parents are dead and they had their own issues from their own childhoods so we weren't close. I have one sibling but he has never really liked me and we don't talk. My marriage died when I realised my husband didn't even know me let alone love me and that he had serious issues of his own.

I try to do all the right things, or at least did before lockdown, go out and meet people, new hobbies, be friendly etc. I have some friends, but not close friendships since I moved city a number of years a go. I am very aware that I am on the edges of everyone else's established friendship circles and I could drop away without them really caring or noticing much. And, to be honest, I want more than a friend I see now and then.

I have two young kids and I just feel really lonely - really alone. And its more than the absence of people, its more like an existential aloneness that I find really hard to bear. I had my kids very late in life and I don't really expect anyone would want a relationship with someone in my situation. In fact, whenever I have had men express interest they look horrified when I tell them I have kids and their ages. Only the men who only want NSA sex are still interested.

There is no-one to say, ' well done' or ' I see how hard you are trying with your kids', or ' I see you and care for you.' I work really hard all the time and there is no-one to see or recognise or comment on it.

I'm dreading the kids getting older and moving away from me emotionally - as I am keenly aware how much their love and cuddles mean to me. Once they remove that physical contact, no-one will touch me.

I do all the self care stuff but I just now think, ' I am fucking sick to the back teeth of self care. What I want, what I really want, is someone to care for ME.'

Intellectual challenge ... Preferably in an area where you need to work with other people to achieve something.

Maybe the next rung of the academic ladder? Whatever that may be for you. Or, if your children need too much attention right now, you could look for something you might enjoy and start preparing for it.

So, for instance, if you had always fancied doing some sort of postgrad in Creative Writing, say - you might begin to think about putting a portfolio of work together or joining a local or online course. So that as soon as it's possible you could make a convincing application for a university course. Or similar with wine tasting or rock climbing - whatever. It's not the same as a hug from a loving adult, but really immersing yourself in something challenging takes up a fair bit of one's brain - as well as opening you up to a world of human interaction. (But do it for the activity, not the social possibilities.)

Op just wanted to say that we are all suffering in many ways from a lack of community and extended kinship in our lives, which in the past might have helped buffer against individual losses in the nuclear family set up.

I'd also recommend the FROLO app and community for single parents. Also don't write off a future relationship if that's what you'd really like, but equally don't stake everything on it. (I'm in the same boat btw).

I remember this time just like you are going though. Parents gone, partner buggered off with OW, teenager going through dreadful teenage years. I just wanted to be held, seen, nurtured and loved. I felt I was wading though treacle just to get though a day. I sought therapy as I was just so 'lost'. It really helped me to be listened to, there is the NHS time to talk platform which you can contact and get help now and is free. I am big into amateur theatre....if thats your bag or just want to make tea during rehearsals then have a go at your local community theatre when things are up and running. Its such a laugh, working together for productions, lots of things to be involved in, make up, hair, costumes, backstage or on stage. It was my biggest therapy and I have made many life long friends, real friends I can call on at any time. Good luck....oh forgot to say, I also started learning to play the drums at 53 (now 56) and met my partner through a gig.

@litterbird

I remember this time just like you are going though. Parents gone, partner buggered off with OW, teenager going through dreadful teenage years. I just wanted to be held, seen, nurtured and loved. I felt I was wading though treacle just to get though a day. I sought therapy as I was just so 'lost'. It really helped me to be listened to, there is the NHS time to talk platform which you can contact and get help now and is free. I am big into amateur theatre....if thats your bag or just want to make tea during rehearsals then have a go at your local community theatre when things are up and running. Its such a laugh, working together for productions, lots of things to be involved in, make up, hair, costumes, backstage or on stage. It was my biggest therapy and I have made many life long friends, real friends I can call on at any time. Good luck....oh forgot to say, I also started learning to play the drums at 53 (now 56) and met my partner through a gig.

I love this!

Nothing can ever replace our lost loved ones but we can find new purpose in life.

@litterbird

I remember this time just like you are going though. Parents gone, partner buggered off with OW, teenager going through dreadful teenage years. I just wanted to be held, seen, nurtured and loved. I felt I was wading though treacle just to get though a day. I sought therapy as I was just so 'lost'. It really helped me to be listened to, there is the NHS time to talk platform which you can contact and get help now and is free. I am big into amateur theatre....if thats your bag or just want to make tea during rehearsals then have a go at your local community theatre when things are up and running. Its such a laugh, working together for productions, lots of things to be involved in, make up, hair, costumes, backstage or on stage. It was my biggest therapy and I have made many life long friends, real friends I can call on at any time. Good luck....oh forgot to say, I also started learning to play the drums at 53 (now 56) and met my partner through a gig.

You sound great, honestly! Who would not want to be your friend/partner.

V relatable thread as I stare down the barrel of 50, and family and friends fall away.

Is there a Sunday Assembly near you? It’s like church without god...community, singing, charity, friendship etc. Can’t personally vouch for it, but I think it’s a great idea. If there was one near me I’d give it a go... sundayassembly.online/find-an-assembly/

I do not have family (only child, parents died 2003 and 2015). I have a job and get on with my colleues, I also have friends. But I don't know if anyone will be there if I get seriously ill or so.
However, I prefer not to find a partner because I've through enough with men.
Generaaly speaking I'm happy. I had to learn to be happy, it was a difficult road, but I got there.
Good luck !

Me. I’m married but my husband doesn’t love me. I’d rather be in your situation.

Same. I'd tried to stick my head in the sand to this, but I can't kid myself any longer. I suppose I feel some comfort for another person around the house. We say continually, this is over. He'll pack, then he'll hang around, and we'll both go through the motions as if either of us truly felt something. I think this makes me feel more alone than if I were physically alone

Aftereights I oscillate between feelings of having another adult in the house is comfort to then feeling horribly alone because we don't have a proper connection. It's a cold comfort but one I seem to prefer to being totally alone.

Do you live by the sea, if you do get into sea swimming. It is incredibly social and people really bond doing it. Another one is tennis. I know someone who has made extremely close friendships over the last few years doing both.
I agree some men will be put off by young kids later in life, but not all. It would put me off personally but my DH loves kids and it wouldn't bother him in the slightest if we were to break up
What I have discovered if you are really proactive you can make friends and good ones. Not everyone will bite but you will find a lot of people in your position who will only be delighted. People are just afraid of appearing friendless or desperate so don't make a move.

What @PursuingProxemicExactitude says. I'm in a similar position to you OP, except my DC are a bit older. Young adults who are still at home. We've become very close in this lockdown year. They'll both be leaving in the autumn to study elsewhere and I am not sure how I will manage. But I feel very secure in our little family and that they are adults I can always rely on now. Yours will grow up to be your unit too.

I've had two periods in life where I was completely alone with young children. First as a single parent in a new city and then when DH died. In both cases, I actively had to reach out for a period. Your children are young so other mothers/ parents can be a good option. It's hard in lockdown, but maybe you could invite a parent of one of your children to join you for a walk. The connections I made with other single parents were always the strongest as I guess we both had that gap in our lives.

Even if relationships are slight and superficial initially, what matters is the regularity and routine. Someone who asks how you are and how your children are - and who you can ask the same to.

There are also features in some of the dating apps like Bumble where you can search for friends/buddies rather than dates.
I'm going to try when lockdown is over because all my local friends are busy raising families and I don't have a partner or a family, so I often find myself alone.

I confess I was more lonely when I was 'happily married' so the grass isn't always greener. But having said that, I'm still dating and won't give up trying to find someone to love and who will love me, so I am still on the dating apps, it's better than nothing and I'm prepared to kiss a lot of frogs!

I had my kids very late in life and I don't really expect anyone would want a relationship with someone in my situation. In fact, whenever I have had men express interest they look horrified when I tell them I have kids and their ages. Only the men who only want NSA sex are still interested.

It's interesting to hear this op and I'm sorry to hear this too. It is one of the reasons I remain in a very dissatisfying situation because I guessed this might be the case (obviously not in all cases) but in most.

On the other hand, hard as it is to think it, at least the ones who run a mile are honest. Many many men who do want to take on children have secret sinister motives. Sorry, but there's no advantage in being gullible and putting children at risk. Statistically, and logically, the ones who abuse anyone in any way are the ones with most opportunity.

@noteatingdirt

Yeah the church thing, I have been to a couple of churches but it just makes me feel worse because I don't belong - everyone there really believes but me and then I feel like a liar and don't fit in. And tbh, I found the whole relying on God to sort things out and praying thing really unhelpful. I know I have to sort things out myself. Waiting for God to do it or show me a sign or endlessly analysing if 'this' or ;this' or 'this' was a message from God was exhausting and well, upsetting.

@doghairismyglitter I totally understand

Hi OP @noteatingdirt , not sure which church denomination you're referring to but there are resources you may find helpful, PM me if interested. It's also totally normal in your position to feel some doubts and it doesn't mean you're a liar at all, it's just a prompt to explore answers to all the reasonable questions you have. God has given all humans free will, reason and intelligence so he certainly doesn't want us waiting around for Him to do everything for us.