Does anyone else have no adult who loves them?

[noteatingdirt]

I find it really hard living like this. My parents are dead and they had their own issues from their own childhoods so we weren't close. I have one sibling but he has never really liked me and we don't talk. My marriage died when I realised my husband didn't even know me let alone love me and that he had serious issues of his own.

I try to do all the right things, or at least did before lockdown, go out and meet people, new hobbies, be friendly etc. I have some friends, but not close friendships since I moved city a number of years a go. I am very aware that I am on the edges of everyone else's established friendship circles and I could drop away without them really caring or noticing much. And, to be honest, I want more than a friend I see now and then.

I have two young kids and I just feel really lonely - really alone. And its more than the absence of people, its more like an existential aloneness that I find really hard to bear. I had my kids very late in life and I don't really expect anyone would want a relationship with someone in my situation. In fact, whenever I have had men express interest they look horrified when I tell them I have kids and their ages. Only the men who only want NSA sex are still interested.

There is no-one to say, ' well done' or ' I see how hard you are trying with your kids', or ' I see you and care for you.' I work really hard all the time and there is no-one to see or recognise or comment on it.

I'm dreading the kids getting older and moving away from me emotionally - as I am keenly aware how much their love and cuddles mean to me. Once they remove that physical contact, no-one will touch me.

I do all the self care stuff but I just now think, ' I am fucking sick to the back teeth of self care. What I want, what I really want, is someone to care for ME.'

A dog would be too much for you but I find my cat a great comfort. Animals do not judge you and are very accepting.

Gingerbread helped me in terms of a community when l was a single parent. They organised activities and meet-ups. I met quite a few other people that way.

'You Are Loved' slogan always makes me think 'No, I'm fucking not

Me too! That's exactly what I think!

Op not sure how old you are but I met dh at 41. My youngest was 4....i have a dh and dc but no dps or any family members.. Don't write yourself off op..

Do you dislike the phrase 'loved ones'?

But I don't have parents , a husband and lots of friends. I don't really have anyone I could turn to in hard times.

OK I get that. Maybe it would help to rethink what you want in terms of getting a better network around you rather than getting people to love you.
Something similar to a church but not religious might help. So maybe a voluntary group if you have time. Somewhere with people of a similar demographic to you.

You could also join a local church, get to meet people. I moved a city where I didn't know anyone and found a good church, now I have parents in this town. I hope you can find that too.

Sorry op that sounds hard.

When you said “its more like an existential aloneness that I find really hard to bear”. That really resonated with me. I feel deeply alone even with a partner and parents, so without even that I imagine it must feel very very hard.

I imagine being the sole parent to 2 young children takes a lot from you as well as it gives you love and affection.

We have a Facebook group local to me for people who want to connect with others. I wonder if you have anything similar near you? They arrange me ups ( pre covid) or people just chat online. Then some friends grow from that.

Hello just to let you know that you aren't alone in feeling like this. I'm divorced with 2 adult children. I live alone. I can go months with no physical contact from another human being. My friends aren't local to me and I haven't really made a true friend in 20 years, I don't know how that happened.
This past year has given the resolve to change that somehow.
I'm saying so you don't feel it's just you feeling this way. I hope you can make some changes which will be beneficial.

Another one here. No parents. A sibling who is a narcissist. A husband but major relationship issues - leaving me feeling horribly alone. I want to be seen/heard and cared for too. Like you I have had dcs later in life. It is a lonely place to be. However, I think it's been mentioned upthread I have one good friend who I've met through a shared interest. I'm banking on making some more connections through shared interests in future to at least try and alleviate this awful feeling. I'm sorry you are feeling this too but thank you for starting this thread it helps in a small way to see that I am not alone in feeling this way.

I find it useful to be realistic, rather than entertain a vague idea there is truth in the depiction of the world according to t.v. and other fiction. (An otherwise perfectly sensible friend used to torment herself by thinking everyone else was in an Oxo family) .

Having nobody care if you are alive or dead is probably not uncommon, just not featured in soap powder adverts! A third of hospital patients never have a visitor. The world according to commercial ads. would have everyone believing every woman is a mother and every mother has adoring children. The world according to the Abuse charities would show that the people most likely to abuse you, cradle to grave, are those with the most opportunity to do so i.e. staff in institutions or 'loved ones' in your home.

To be fair, at least 'The Simpsons' gives a more realistic picture, with children not so much merrily laughing in the playground, as getting beaten up by the school bully Nelson (I think of that, when hearing the unsupported assertion that children "can't wait" to go back to school, for that lovely "socialising". Hmm) The Simpsons grandfather is dumped in a segregated ghetto for people nobody wants alive, family or no family, and nobody speaks to them.

Fine if you can join groups and/or find partners, but not all groups are a warm blanket and not all partners are a good idea

I keep thinking this is how many older people must come to feel. Outliving relatives and friends etc. I think it is the situation my late grandmother found herself in. And I've found myself in that situation 20-30 years too soon!

I don't have anyone either. I guess I'm just used to it now. I try not to dwell on it. Still single, after 5 years with the odd dabble here and there. But no-one that can give hugs and say it's going to be alright. However, I've never really had that, so I guess I'm just used to it!
Keep your chin up. Lockdown is making life miserable, but there is light at the end of the tunnel to get back to normality.

That sounds really hard.
I have deep friendship and proper support through my place of worship. Is this something that you might consider?

It must be nice to be part of a church group, and apparently members do find themselves better off, by various measures, than members of other groups. As the O.P. says, trying to be part of a church group isn't easy if you don't believe in the same things (and for a feminist, most church groups are inadvertently excluding by ideology, tradition and practice)

OP reading that was as if reading about myself.
I am in almost the identical situation to you.

I wanted to join a church last year, for some sense of community and people that may care, but unfortunately still haven’t been able to do so due to Covid.
I have two young children and sometimes think I need them more than they need me, I feel physically sick when I think about them growing up and not needing me so much.
I cannot even remember the last time an adult touched me. I talk to myself constantly, without even realising it (probably sound crazy) just to alleviate the loneliness, and since last year pray a lot (wasn’t remotely religious before, I think it’s more of a comfort to think there’s some form of a sounding board I can talk to)
I sometimes think in my lowest moments if I died what a pitiful turn out for a funeral I’d have.

Self love is all well and good, whilst I don’t love myself, I do think I am a good, kind, caring person, sadly don’t have any close relationships with anyone and don’t think friends even really care about my personality, it’s more mums who have kids the same age etc, pleasant friendships but nothing really below the surface.

I get by day by day and get on with it, but yeah when the kids are in bed sometimes I feel like I’m breaking apart with loneliness. I can be a lone parent and do what I feel is a pretty good job, but what I wouldn’t give to have a bit more of a family unit, someone to rub my back or sit and chat to, to say well done to me or they’re proud of me.

Sometimes my loneliest moments are seeing my children do something I’m so so proud of, and having no one else witness their achievements and share the joy in it, even grand parents would be something, but nada.
I have no words of wisdom, but understand 💐

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Have a look on here.
Also keep with the clubs, and maybe try a different church? Methodists ?
I’m not a believer, but you might make friends

Yeah the church thing, I have been to a couple of churches but it just makes me feel worse because I don't belong - everyone there really believes but me and then I feel like a liar and don't fit in. And tbh, I found the whole relying on God to sort things out and praying thing really unhelpful. I know I have to sort things out myself. Waiting for God to do it or show me a sign or endlessly analysing if 'this' or ;this' or 'this' was a message from God was exhausting and well, upsetting.

@doghairismyglitter I totally understand

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. I'm sorry there are so many of us who feel like this.

I think what I need is some sort of cause to join but I don't really know what...

I would love to have someone sit and watch laugh at Gogglebox with me. To chat crap to. Ask how was your day etc etc but I’m not lonely. I don’t want the crap that comes with relationships the 6 month discussion on what colour to paint the bathroom, or they’re in mood and hate that you don’t let it affect you! Or the petty arguments. So I’ll sit and laugh at Gogglebox by myself stretched out on the sofa

Yes!

My parents are dead and my husband left. He said he didn’t love me anymore. I have a sister, we are close but obviously we don’t live together and it’s just not quite the same thing, is it? I have great friends but it’s not the same as having that close, unconditional love and support network. I often feel like the crew abandoned ship and I’m left to steady it.

My kids are in their late teens now. I think that the way you feel may subside slightly as your children grow older. You begin to find yourself among adults again.

I absolutely know how you feel, OP.

OP I just want to add that what you are doing and the way that you’re just ploughing on with life is what my grand mother would have called doing ‘Gods good work.’ You have my absolute admiration for putting your children first in your life and dedicating it to working and making sure that they have everything they need. It’s hard. I was always motivated to work hard to ease the burden on my hubby then he left and I am struggling to adjust my mindset to now I’m just doing it for me. But of course, it’s really for the kids and me. When we lose a team member, we have to work twice as hard to cover their absence. Rising to that calling shows you have integrity, grit and determination. You have that, my friend. Your mum and dad would be extremely proud of you.

There will be a time before your kids leave home when you’ll have these amazing young adults living with you in your home. And they’ll have friends and lovers. They will love you unconditionally and I can promise you that with teenagers in the house, you’ll have so many laughs. How do I know this? Because I’m living it now and I cherish it. There will be colour and unconditional love in your life again. I assure you of it.

@noteatingdirt

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. I'm sorry there are so many of us who feel like this.

I think what I need is some sort of cause to join but I don't really know what...

Have you been honest about not believing?

I don't believe but the local church helped through a tough period. I didn't go for long but it got me back on my feet. I was chatting to the secretary - a non believer - and she said to me "well, a church serves the community, it doesn't matter what people do or don't believe". She didn't go to services btw.

I did go to services a couple of times as a sort of thank you. No one talked god at tea afterwards!

I think what I need is some sort of cause to join but I don't really know what...

I'm working on this too. I need something to throw myself into I think. Unfortunately me eldest (my teen) seems to hide away a lot...we do go shopping together though and it's something I look forward to.

I am lacking connections with others and probably a sense of purpose. It's a little daunting thinking I have to go out there and try to construct this...unfortunately I am plagued by anxiety and low lying depression (caused by the sense of helplessness I feel over several areas of my life - anxiety and depression seem to feed each other).

The church isn't for me. I wouldn't feel authentic joining it...but there is another spiritual group locally I am thinking of popping along to. I'm hoping there will be a knock on effect to my confidence growing. I can't stay where I am, something has to change.

You could throw yourself into fighting Climate change. No age barrier and every bit of effort is needed.
Equality for Women, too. Equality for Disabled people. Equality for Old People. There is so much to do. This world needs you. A lot.