Husband of 23 years tried to choke me; it's over now.

[Trailmixer]

I am a regular who has namechanged.
My husband of 23 years tried to choke me about ten days ago. We have been getting along very badly for some time now and the lockdown has made it worse. He has a very stressful job, and we have also had lots of other stress in recent years: an ill child, a long period apart, death in the family and so on. He has also been depressed for a while and is on medication. About two months ago, he threw a pot across the kitchen.
I called the police and he was cautioned as it was his first offence. I made him move out and he is now at his mother's. I have made an appointment with a solicitor. I have a fair bit of my own money.
We have DD, 20, who is at university and DS, 15 , who was at home.
I am completely shattered. I don't know how it has come to this. I won't go into details, as it may out me, but I will just say that I have given up a lot for this man. Put his career first, did the bulk of the childcare and housework, looked after the ill child. I can't believe that this is how I am being repaid. I can't believe I have wasted my life this way. He was never violent before but have noticed a complete change in him over the last few years, since he crossed 50. He is an angry old man now whom I cannot live with. I know that but I am so sad and lonely.

Oh god that sounds awful. I don't have any advice just solidarity.

Does he recognise the change in himself? Or does he think he's behaving normally or that it's someone else's fault etc?

I’m so sorry this happened to you, do you have some real life support to talk to? Be very very kind to yourself at the moment and allow yourself to feel however you need to.

for you

I don't think you have wasted your life, as you responded quickly when someone crossed the line. But it is going to be a huge amount to take in and very upsetting to come to terms with. It is good to hear you have your own money etc so you are not tied to him.

What a terrible sequence of events. Nobody should live with someone who is violent to them. I'm very glad you're away. The whole idea of choking is so frightening.

I wondered if you have friends to meet with? I know the provision for 1:1 walks/exercise is limiting but I have found some of the walks I've had with friends recently very healing. February is difficult for me due to bereavement but I have usually felt better for walking.

He was never violent before but have noticed a complete change in him over the last few years, since he crossed 50.

So sorry to read your post, you're not wrong to feel how you do.

Was his change sudden or slow onset?
Has he been to the doctors about it?

Bless you OP. You're doing the right thing. If aggression and violence is entirely out of character, I do wonder if it's got its roots in a medical issue? Not that that changes how you should react to it at all- safety is paramount- but I do wonder.

I'm sorry your marriage ended how it fid but you have incredible strength to have called the police and to make him move out.

Right now you feel sad and lonely but soon you'll feel less sad and lonely. Take each day as it comes.

This is the grieving process, you need to grieve for the life you had and the future which is different.
Look up the 10 stages of grief so you know how the journey will go.

Try not to dwell on what you gave up or did for him. Thats in the past and was all done for a reason.
Concentrate on the fact you can have any future you want, you get to make the decisions about your life.
Make sure you do whatever makes you happy.

That's awful. Did you report the choking to the police? If not, please consider it, that's way worse than any pot. You need an order so he cant come anywhere near you.

Unless you're 99, you've got years and years left. You haven't wasted your life, far from it. You've raised beautiful children and you've got yourself out of a violent relationship. This is the start of the rest of your life.

Well done you are doing brilliantly. So many women don't have the strength and self-respect to be firm and resolute in situations like this so I admire you. It will be a long road but you will be ok.

This by no means excuses his violent behaviour and doesn't change what you need to do to get him gone, but sudden personality changes can be a symptom of serious illnesses so he should go to a doctor to be checked over. But even if a physical trigger is found doesn't mean that the marriage isn't over - plenty of people get such illnesses and symptoms but nevertheless don't commit any violent crimes, because there is still a choice in how to respond.

Please report the choking to the police, if you haven't already.

@Porcupineintherough She said the police were involved in her first post

You're doing the right things.

Choking or strangling you is so so dangerous, and can so easily kill.

Maya Angelou - Each time a woman stands up for herself, she stands up for women everywhere.

@SortingItOut the OP says she called the police when he threw a pot, no mention of reporting the strangulation.

Thank you for the responses. Yes, the police are involved.

I would say the actual laying a hand on me is sudden, but he has been horrible to me the last few years. He acknowledges choking me was wrong, but he thinks I have been horrible to him. Probably we have both been horrible to each other. I am not entirely blameless as our marriage hadn't been top priority for me during DD's illness, the death of my father and so on. But I am the one walking on eggshells around him as he is obviously stronger. I had this feeling of things escalating, and also feeling completely ground down.
I have noticed he has also been impatient and yelling at delivery men, taxi drivers and other service people. This is quite unlike how he used to be. He used to treat everyone with absolute courtesy.
He blames his job, which he hates, for everything and thinks he deserves to be cut some slack because he works long hours and is the main breadwinner. ( I work but my earnings took a massive hit when I moved to another country for his job). We had agreed just before lockdown that he would look for another, lower paying and less stressful job, but then COVID hit. He is 52 and it is hard to find something that suits, so we agreed to wait until 2022.

Huge respect OP.

Stats show that someone who chokes you is more likely to go on to kill you so you have absolutely done the right thing.

Take some time to grieve what you have lost.

I wish you all the best

Placing hands on the throat or attempted strangulation is a significant predictor of spousal murder.

It's probably hard to take in but his current behaviour suggests that he is very dangerous indeed. Please be careful. Contact the police and women's aid

Women are in most danger when they attempt to leave a relationship so absolutely you need to divorce but please take care of

www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

Please read the information here and do not minimise your risk.

I hear what people are saying about there being a physical cause, but as I said, he has been nastier and nastier to me the last few years, so I think that while it could be depression, I don't think it is a brain tumour or anything? he has a regualar physical every year.

I forgot to mention it but the police did put me in touch with Women's Aid and I am in contact with them.

I just don't know how to tell family and friends. They all love him bcos he is v charming. I also don't know how to completely remove the DC from his life. He has been a good father, if sometimes distanced over the last few years. I will maybe ask Women's Aid for advice on this. At the moment, he is being v quiet in his mother's house. Hasn't threatened anything and is giving me the silent treatment ( which he does often).

Silent treatment is abuse.
You say you aren't blameless, I just want to say that's absolute bollocks.
People argue, people have to deal with many difficult times, for example illness and bereavement.
What people shouldn't do and there is no excuse for is choke or strangle their partner.
You are blameless.

You won't be able to "remove" the dc from his life? Does he pose a threat to them?

At 15, the younger one will have a voice in how much contact they have, if it came to court. They can probably manage their own relationship with their father, so you won't need to involve yourself.

As an adult, your eldest will make their own choices.

I just wanted to reply to say well done for seeing what was happening and acting on it. You are in an awful position but you have taken control. Many don't. Good luck

@category12

You won't be able to "remove" the dc from his life? Does he pose a threat to them?

At 15, the younger one will have a voice in how much contact they have, if it came to court. They can probably manage their own relationship with their father, so you won't need to involve yourself.

As an adult, your eldest will make their own choices.

Is this how it works? When I say "remove" the DC from his life, I mean, I don't know how we will ever have a family occasion again? I mean, if DS has a school event, how do we all attend? I know I sound silly; after 23 years I don't know how to do this. At the moment I do not even want to look at him.

DC are very angry at him too, but not expressing it. I do not think he is any threat to them. He does not yell at them; it's just me he has a problem with.

People do change as they get older ,and life throws crap at them.
You did what you thought was for the best at the time ,can’t turn the clock back

Just concentrate on making sure he is never near enough to you to choke you again .
Police
Kick him out
Divorce