Husband of 23 years tried to choke me; it's over now.

[Trailmixer]

I am a regular who has namechanged.
My husband of 23 years tried to choke me about ten days ago. We have been getting along very badly for some time now and the lockdown has made it worse. He has a very stressful job, and we have also had lots of other stress in recent years: an ill child, a long period apart, death in the family and so on. He has also been depressed for a while and is on medication. About two months ago, he threw a pot across the kitchen.
I called the police and he was cautioned as it was his first offence. I made him move out and he is now at his mother's. I have made an appointment with a solicitor. I have a fair bit of my own money.
We have DD, 20, who is at university and DS, 15 , who was at home.
I am completely shattered. I don't know how it has come to this. I won't go into details, as it may out me, but I will just say that I have given up a lot for this man. Put his career first, did the bulk of the childcare and housework, looked after the ill child. I can't believe that this is how I am being repaid. I can't believe I have wasted my life this way. He was never violent before but have noticed a complete change in him over the last few years, since he crossed 50. He is an angry old man now whom I cannot live with. I know that but I am so sad and lonely.

You need to report the choking incident too OP.

This was the turning point that I left my ex too. He didn't let go until I was unconscious and then said I had dreamt it!

@NotSeenBulling

You need to report the choking incident too OP.

This was the turning point that I left my ex too. He didn't let go until I was unconscious and then said I had dreamt it!

Sorry if I did not make it clear. I did report the choking incident. I did not report the throwing pot incident. Also I spoke with the police and they confirmed that DH did not deny it, and admitted to completely snapping.

"if DS has a school event, how do we all attend?"

He's 15, what school events are you anticipating?

Either way, you don't all need to attend, these events are for your child, if he doesn't want his dad there then he doesn't invite him.

I split from my husband nearly 3 years ago after 17 yrs of marriage due to emotional abuse and emotional affairs.

I kept things amicable for our daughter (15 at the time) and did xmas and her birthday together and went to school things with him.

After 18mths he thought I had a new boyfriend and went psycho on me, stalked and harrassed me, stole stuff from my house etc so I cut contact and since then we've done nothing together and my DD (now 18) is fine about it all.

She actually is pleased we split up and she now has 2 homes.

You don't have to do things together if you dont want to, xmas can be split, birthdays can be shared. Split parents do it all the time.

@Porcupineintherough I read the OP as she had called the police on the choking.

Good old English language and different ways of reading things.

I'm sorry OP, that must have been so frightening for you, and so saddening that he's chosen (because it is a choice) to remain in a stressful, unhappy job and then punish for you that, rather than being an adult and moving to a better job.

There is something that happens in some men when they hit 50: we all know the classic midlife crisis have an affair buy a stupid car trope, but there is a small amount of men who seem to suddenly become bitter, passive aggressive (or just outright aggressive, as in this case) miseries. Often they can start expressing alarmingly bigoted views. I have seen this a few times and it's horrible - like you never really knew the real person, they had this poisonous, resentful troll buried inside them all the time.

Regarding joint events with the DC etc: this is something you can play by ear at the time they arise. If it's something like an awards assembly, graduation etc you might both want to go and sit separately, only one of you go (whichever DC chooses) or you could agree to attend together if by that time you feel you can be civil and not feel frightened.

It's great that you were able to show your DC such a strong example that violence can never be tolerated. How is your DS doing? Did he witness the assault? He must have been very frightened too. Have you spoken to school at all to make them aware he might need some support? He will probably feel very confused and conflicted - missing his dad one day then hating him the next, and (although hopefully not) hating himself for missing the bastard.

I think you are over thinking the DC stuff. If there’s a school event then you will both attend separately but at 15 there’s unlikely to be any of great importance anyway.
The DC will manage their own relationship with their father.

Have you started divorce proceedings? You seem on the one hand to be saying it’s over but on the other it sounds almost as if you are hoping we will give you a reason to have him back. I won’t. No kind of breakdown warrants years of abusive behaviour. It’s over. Who gives a shit what family and friends think, you’ll find out who your real friends are now.

I'm glad you are getting out now. I'm a bit confused because your updates say he wasn't aggressive until recently, but your OP says he tried to choke you 10 years ago. So really he has been very dangerous for over 10 years?

Oh gosh, no I see it was 10 days ago. Early morning no glasses. Apologies.
So pleased you are away from him. Keep your guard up.

I'd be honest with friends and family tbh. He was violent towards you and you no longer feel safe. At 15 I'd be honest with the DC too. I never see the need to cover for abusers.

OP it doesnt matter if YOU argued back to him. That's all very normal in a relationship. The man says something, the wife can verbalize she isnt in agreement.

Its DHS choice how he reacts in a Arguement etc. He can walk off but he tried to kill you.

Imagine it was you. He says something you dont like so you strangle him. " look mate, you said xyz, you prompted it, I had to try to kill you"

It's never valid. He is having a strop as he isnt happy that your happy that he tried to kill you.

I know you know this, but everytime you feel a lonely sad wobble, remember no one ever has a valid reason for what he did. Dont feel sad, better days will come on this path. On the old path, where would lead you?

@NotSeenBulling

You need to report the choking incident too OP.

This was the turning point that I left my ex too. He didn't let go until I was unconscious and then said I had dreamt it!

Omg, thank Goodness you got through that.

My x did similar, although I didn't quite pass out. He must have shocked himself with his own rage and so he went to make two cups of tea. When I rejected his cup of tea, he got angry with me again.

I am glad @Trailmixer you reported this. Hope you're ok.

My x was the same, he thinks the kids are wonderful although they'd be better behaved if I hadn't ruined them being so soft. but it's me he wants to destroy. He hasn't the intelligence to realise that trying constantly to bring me down, they were passengers to that, but your children are older.

It sounds to me (not that I'm a medical professional) that he's got some sort of mental problem - .maybe early onset dementia. Stay out of his way and start thinking about divorce proceedings. This man is dangerous.

Did the DC witness either of those violent events?

Well done you for being so brave x

You've 100% done the right thing. And you are allowed to be sad that it has come to this. All your feelings are completely valid.

But your life isn't over. My marriage ended just before I turned 50, also with police involvement. I'm now 3 years on, my DDs are 18 and 20 and I have a foster son who is almost 19. I'm in a job I love, I have friends, there are no eggshells to be walked on in my life. You will have all that too - a fresh start, freedom from fear and all the happiness that's out there for the taking. You've already shown that you are strong and determined - you will be fine.

You are doing the right thing.
He could have killed you.

You've done the right thing. So proud of you for getting away from a violent man, its easy to underestimate how difficult this can be.

Im sure right now you feel sad and that is completely normal, allow yourself time to grieve

2 words Nigella Lawson
Everyone backed her 100%
She divorced quickly

Make your plans asap

I don't care what his reason was, he could have killed you. You've done the right thing. I'm sorry you're shattered by it, I don't see how you couldn't be. But after a while, things will be better.

Just saying this very gently op but I think you’ve been abused for a long time. It’s sounds like you’ve sacrificed a lot for him. And you also mentioned that he ignores you regularly. This an abusive tactic. Abuse doesn’t just have to physical.

Hi op, sounds like you have been abused for many years! The choking is awful he could've killed you! I feel for you, as a child I watched my dad physically abuse my mum constantly until she left, I still think about it everyday and can still see the images in my head so clearly, stay strong op xxx

Thanks again for all the messages. Going to be brief as I want to spend the day off the internet today but:
(1) The DC did not see the incidents as they were in their rooms.
(2) I have made an appmt with DS teacher and am gathering info for my solicitor
(3) I think the advice given to allow DC to decide contact is good. DS is almost 16 and v mature. I feel very sad and angry for them. Both DC have found lockdown hard, are in crucial exam years, and now they have this bombshell dropped on them because pathetic DH couldn't just take a walk around the block.
It is comforting to remember even someone as powerful and accomplished as Nigella went through the same thing.

Well done OP
You’re making great moves and your attitude is awesome. Wishing you all the best

Just saw this thread and I was horrified- DH and I were talking about the recent news articles about the man who "just snapped" and choked the life out of his wife of 40+ years. There are uncanny echoes and it's very worrying.

You did the right thing getting away, it can and does happen and angry men who permit themselves to "just snap" are a real danger. www.bbc.com/news/uk-wales-56313108