I held my boundaries with family and now theyre angry with me

[openwaterswimming]

Maybe this will sound harsh.
But you know the way they're always telling people to reach out to friends and family if they're feeling anxious/depressed/lonely during Covid? Well what if the person they're reaching out to is up to their gd dam limit and can't listen for another single second? They never talk about that person.
So I'm in a typical Covid lockdown situation with young children/toddlers, working full time from home, husband key worker, money stress, work stress, constant unending housework, cooking and cleaning and barely a minute to myself. But I'm fine, I'm managing, I'm just completely and utterly frazzled.
My sister has no children and with lockdown and no steady work she is sitting around her house, lonely, anxious and bored out of her mind for most of the last year. Similarly, my mother, is alone, lonely, depressed and bored. Neither of them live near me or near eachother.
Until recently I had really been making an effort. I phoned my mother every day and tried to ring my sister as often as possible. I tried to do video calls with the kids, but neither were particularly interested. It felt like no matter how often I called, or how many pictures or videos or memes I sent it was never enough. I was always in the bad books for not contacting them often enough, not returning their calls fast enough, not being a listening ear or having "any empathy" for their plight. Both blamed me for not doing more for the other. Both seem to have infinite time to dream up ways that I am in the wrong or was in the wrong at some historical time. Ok, sometimes I'm distracted, or rushed but I'm literally usually doing 50,000 things at once!
Anyway a few weeks ago I sent a message and said "I am at capacity right now, I can't listen to your problems any more, I have my own struggles I'm just trying to get on with it. If you want to do video calls with the kids that's great but I can't be an agony aunt right now".
Of course, now I'm persona non grata. Apparently neither of them want contact with me ever again for being so heartless and cold and "not caring" about them at this difficult time.
Seriously, how much is someone supposed to listen?
Has anyone had similar experiences with people raging at them for setting boundaries?

I probably wouldn't have sent a message like that but, if they both have so much time on their hands why aren't they supporting each other?

I haven't, but well done for putting yourself first for once. It sounds like it was desperately needed.

If they’re not speaking to you now you’ve got two things fewer on your plate, and that’s what you wanted. It was a very harsh message, what other reaction can you have expected?

I’m also wondering why they aren’t leaning on each other more instead of both expecting you to prop them up.

It’s done now. Enjoy the peace.

I don’t think your message was that bad. It was blunt but it sounds like it needed to be. If they care about you they will now have a think about it and then retreat from using you as an emotional sponge.

Also think it was a bit harsh...were you simmering for awhile, and then snapped?

I also wonder why they weren't supporting each other.

This IS hard for everyone. I honestly think parents homeschooling are amazing.
But it is tough to be completely on your own too

Everyone’s having a shit time. The fact you’re rushed off your feet and stressed doesn’t trump them struggling with being lonely and bored and probably depressed. They sound overly needy but can you blame them at the moment, sat around with eff all to do, unable to do any of the usual things we do to keep entertained? There’s ways and means of telling them to back off. Why don’t they form a bubble and move in together for lockdown though?

They both seem to want your empathy for their plight, but it doesn't appear to have occurred to either of them that perhaps you could do with some too, now and again.

Have they showed self-absorbed tendencies before?

showed shown

People who you have to set boundaries with will often have an issue with it, because they thought the behaviour they were doing was ok. They sound quite self centred, but your message to them also sounds a little harsh?

Right now, the isolated and lonely are feeling somewhat envious of those with a partner and/or kids. They wish they had company. It's been a long time without interaction with another human being.

Right now, those with a husband and/or kids in the house, are somewhat envious of those who are single. They wish they had some time to themselves. It's been a long year with no respite from the people who are making demands on you.

Maybe somehow you can explain what led you to snap, and then each try to see how the other is struggling?

You did nothing wrong, if I were you I would just ignore their histrionics.

Enjoy the space of them not being in touch with you, if they are that lonely and bored they can chat to each other.

They’re sulking like children. I think you’re well out of it and hopefully they can whine to each other for a while and give you a rest.

@saraclara

Right now, the isolated and lonely are feeling somewhat envious of those with a partner and/or kids. They wish they had company. It's been a long time without interaction with another human being.

Right now, those with a husband and/or kids in the house, are somewhat envious of those who are single. They wish they had some time to themselves. It's been a long year with no respite from the people who are making demands on you.

Yeah I think that's what has happened. You're both suffering from an extreme in terms of social needs.

Try not to snap, the message was a bit harsh. But you don't need to keep tending to them emotionally, you sound burnt out.

I can relate, I have ZERO empathy for my best friend who is married but childless by choice. Hearing her whine that her French cooking class isn't the same over zoom, and her water colours aren't improving fast enough.... makes me want to scream. I haven't had a moment to myself for a year. I feel like the lowest maid in Downton Abby from the moment I open my eyes until I fall asleep....so I'm. Just faking concern for her problems so our friendship is still there on the other side of the pandemic.

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease it’s called “childless by choice” is actually a derogatory term for what is known as “childfree”

Just correcting that as you sound like you sneer at your friend & look down on them!

It sounds like some people are so busy with their home lives & managing children during covid (totally understandable) that they can forget those who don’t have children don’t have the chaos of parenting during covid to keep their minds busy during this time.

That can lead to feeling isolated & depressed in a different way to parents perhaps ?

I too think the text was a bit harsh from the get go & OP sounds like she had an outburst after feeling pent up over this.

That to me sounds like a message you would send after the original more polite requests for space were ignored.

Even the thread title is a bit

“I held my boundaries now family are angry!”

Yes that is the usual outcome when you assert your boundaries to people who don’t respect them.

They tend not to thank you for pointing out their lack of respect for your boundaries”

Also the boundaries were not held as it appears before this text she hadn’t previously said their level of contact wasn’t OK?

this thread also sounds like People are becoming competitive about covid related suffering.

One person being flat out with work, kids, family life & so flat out they barely have time to address their feelings of depression

Doesn’t trump someone who has lost their job, lives alone & sits with their depression while the days drag on.

You don’t have it harder or easier - it’s just different.

I dislike the tone of this thread that those who have young children somehow automatically have it worse during covid than those who don’t.

@gutful

I agree 100%. Why do people constantly have to compete with each other?

You were very passive then very aggressive. What would have been fairer to everyone would have been to be assertive.

Passive is when you only consider other people's needs, aggressive is when you only consider your needs, assertive is when you take both of your needs into account.

It's fine if you only have enough time and energy to have very limited phone calls with them but tell them that kindly at first. By acting like you are happy to phone them frequently then snapping and sending a rage filled text you haven't treated them fairly.

They will be aware that you see them as a burden, "an effort", and that you are emotionally distant and don't share your problems with them. That will naturally make them feel rejected and unwanted and that your calls were just you patronising them.

@Newcastleteacake love your username as live in (a different) Newcastle & who doesn’t love cake

Does someone who has 3 children have it harder than those with 2 or 1? Do single parents have it harder than those in relationships?

Everyone has been affected by covid & the impact on your life can’t be measured by the amount of kids you have.

some kids may have loved having a video call with auntie, allowing mum to have a break to have a cup of tea & some moments to herself?

Am not saying OP wasn’t being used as an agony aunt & they obviously had a draining effect on OP. But it’s unknown if they were boundary busting people who were using Op or genuinely enjoying these interactions to help ease the monotony of their day?

Maybe that call to OP was the best thing they looked forward to

To receive that message from the get go would be a pretty rude shock.

Maybe the OP doesn’t have to apologise about what she said, but the way she said it could have used some revision to make it less confronting to digest.

I feel like this situation could have gone differently if basic empathy existed for those without kids & family life to manage during covid.

I would say the average childfree person does absolutely recognise the challenges parents face during covid & understand we are free of those particular responsibilities

Do parents have the good graces to understand ours in return?

Empathy, people. Use it !

@gutful

Apologies, I didn't know there was a derogatory term. I don't look down on anyone who doesn't have children, I was only trying to convey that she was not someone struggling with infertility etc.

I don't think it is fair to place further emotional burdens and guilt on mothers right now. I don't think everyone around us is entitled to our emotional labour. I see you say you understand the struggles of parents during a pandemic, but respectfully, if you feel entitled to sympathy and attention from someone who you know is struggling with the mental, physical and emotional toll of caring 24/7 - you don't.

You sarcastically suggest 'empathy'. I have plenty. I empathise with my husband whose grandfather died alone of covid. I empathise with my deaf 3 year old who can't hear us behind masks and is missing interventions that might help him, I empathise with my children who are bored, scared and confused.

I am depleted. I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am in constant service to others with no time for self care.

One of the symptoms of burn out is compassion fatigue. This doesn't make someone selfish or devoid of empathy - it shows we're tapped out.

Pandemics are horrible for everyone, for all different reasons. It's not a pandemic suffering Olympics for parents to preserve their emotional labour for the people who are completely reliant on them, who are developing every day, who cannot source that attention from anywhere else.

If you have friends, family, a stranger on the internet who is on lockdown with small kids and they seem like they have reserves enough to emotionally support you- awesome- but if they don't- that doesn't make them bad people.

I promise you they are already up to their waist in guilt, feeling like they are failing in every direction. Please don't heal 'you're a bad friend for not supporting me because I don't have children' to the list.

I would be interested to know if the situation was the other way round would either of them have been supporting you in a similar way?
Yes your message was abrupt, most probably sent out of sheer frustration and I can see it would upset them both. Maybe you could contact them and apologise for the way you said it and encourage them to seek some help.

As a PP said is there a reason why they don’t support each other over the phone? I know it can be difficult when they are both going though similar mental health difficulties. But you too are struggling and it isn’t fair for you to have to fully shoulder their problems too.

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease

I don't think it is fair to place further emotional burdens and guilt on mothers right now. I don't think everyone around us is entitled to our emotional labour. I see you say you understand the struggles of parents during a pandemic, but respectfully, if you feel entitled to sympathy and attention from someone who you know is struggling with the mental, physical and emotional toll of caring 24/7 - you don't.

I completely agree with your last post. Solidarity

They both sound very selfish to be honest. Maybe you’re best off that they don’t want anymore contact. Go cold Turkey for a while. Conserve your energy. They don’t seem to be able to help themselves. You are their emotional crutch. Who is yours? They need a therapist and that’s not your job

Whatever you do don’t apologise or they’ll take that as a sign to carry on with this dysfunctional way of relating to you

They sound very self centred and shockingly demanding but l think you went from A to Z very quickly. Could you have picked one day a week eg Sunday evening for a Zoom catch up where the children pop in for a few minutes and ye chat as adults for a while. Have the other ideas in your head eg agony aunt but not say it out loud!!
You know then you are doing your best.
But they appear to be two people who ar9e never happy so l would let them be angry for a while.
I am just with dh and no demands at home and could only support someone once a week. My head at this moment couldn't do any more.

Talking about it becoming competitive suffering sounds like a very good way to shout down mothers who have been noted to have taken the brunt of this pandemic. The message was blunt but it doesn't sound like they would have 'heard' you otherwise. Did neither suggest forming a bubble and moving in with you to lend a hand and have the company or is it all take and no give from them? Why is it down to you to solve everyone else's problems and where is your mother in all this? The way you describe it sounds like your mum and sister are actually on the same level with you allocated as mother to everyone to look after them! Is that a historic dynamic perhaps? You being expected to care for both your mother and sister rather than your mother caring for both of you? Something to consider.