I held my boundaries with family and now theyre angry with me

[openwaterswimming]

Maybe this will sound harsh.
But you know the way they're always telling people to reach out to friends and family if they're feeling anxious/depressed/lonely during Covid? Well what if the person they're reaching out to is up to their gd dam limit and can't listen for another single second? They never talk about that person.
So I'm in a typical Covid lockdown situation with young children/toddlers, working full time from home, husband key worker, money stress, work stress, constant unending housework, cooking and cleaning and barely a minute to myself. But I'm fine, I'm managing, I'm just completely and utterly frazzled.
My sister has no children and with lockdown and no steady work she is sitting around her house, lonely, anxious and bored out of her mind for most of the last year. Similarly, my mother, is alone, lonely, depressed and bored. Neither of them live near me or near eachother.
Until recently I had really been making an effort. I phoned my mother every day and tried to ring my sister as often as possible. I tried to do video calls with the kids, but neither were particularly interested. It felt like no matter how often I called, or how many pictures or videos or memes I sent it was never enough. I was always in the bad books for not contacting them often enough, not returning their calls fast enough, not being a listening ear or having "any empathy" for their plight. Both blamed me for not doing more for the other. Both seem to have infinite time to dream up ways that I am in the wrong or was in the wrong at some historical time. Ok, sometimes I'm distracted, or rushed but I'm literally usually doing 50,000 things at once!
Anyway a few weeks ago I sent a message and said "I am at capacity right now, I can't listen to your problems any more, I have my own struggles I'm just trying to get on with it. If you want to do video calls with the kids that's great but I can't be an agony aunt right now".
Of course, now I'm persona non grata. Apparently neither of them want contact with me ever again for being so heartless and cold and "not caring" about them at this difficult time.
Seriously, how much is someone supposed to listen?
Has anyone had similar experiences with people raging at them for setting boundaries?

I have so much sympathy OP. I have a young baby and have been through a few really difficult health issues in the last few months, as well as the usual Covid stress, and yet I am hounded by a close relative of mine for comfort and empathy on a daily basis. Literally every single day I get messages about their anxiety (about their weight, their appearance, their health, the health of another family member, their general and unspecified anxiety) and the frustrating thing is it’s the exact same conversation every single day. I’m not helping them. They don’t take my advice. My support changes nothing. They just hit me up for the serotonin rush of being told everything is ok, that they’re wonderful, that they’re beautiful, that everything will be alright, then they cheerily trot off and leave me utterly depleted and anxious myself, having spent 40 mins focusing on their issues instead of looking after myself or my baby.

I really admire you for setting that boundary. I need to do it too but I fear the exact reaction you’ve just described. But you should be proud of yourself for taking these important steps to put yourself first. It was an admirable thing to do.

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease

It's not a competition. Parents do not 'have it the worst' during this. Everyone is suffering. Everyone has different needs both with or without a pandemic.

It speaks volumes that instead of speaking about how low you must have felt to send a message like that, they're harping to each other about how you're letting them both down.
Ignore the stropping, take the break this has given you and patch things up after the pandemic if you feel you want to.

I don’t think that parents have it worse: at all... I’m so grateful this didn’t happen when I was single living in a tiny flat!

But what we do have is the WORRY of looking after other human beings and protecting their mental health.

One of my sons has developed OCD. the other has seemingly bounced back into school without any concerns but cannot sleep alone now

I spend every single night shuttling between my children who are both having nightmares oor sleep etc

Its not just that you have the drain on time, you’re also trying to protect another humans mental health and development.

I’d find it all so much easier if I wasn’t worrying about my children and their future

anyway I’ll be honest op your message was so harsh! I think I’d be following that up with an apology for the wording but reiterate that you are completely burnt out because you sound like you’re ok your knees

On your knees !!

Well done OP. I think you handled this perfectly.

FWIW I went NC about a decade ago when I'd finally had enough of my mother's selfish whining, who would in the rare occasions we spoke, talk about herself for 30 mins, insult me, then say she'd nothing else to say and would hang up. The thought of asking me how I was, would never occur to her.

It sounds like there's some level of scapegoat/golden child dynamic here as well if she's prioritising your sister over you.

Let them stew. If they're so absorbed in their own self, they probably won't change so right now, when you're already full to capacity, you don't need their added shite.

You did the right thing. Stick to it.

Lots of people are having a hard time at different extremes - too much to do or not enough.

I don't think the OP is saying she has things worse than her family. Just that she is also having a hard time. The issue is that they are expecting her to keep giving, beyond her capacity, and with no mutual support.

I’m all for setting boundaries but the way you worded that message was a bit rude

What a strange text to have sent!

@WeIcomeToGilead

I don’t think that parents have it worse: at all... I’m so grateful this didn’t happen when I was single living in a tiny flat!

But what we do have is the WORRY of looking after other human beings and protecting their mental health.

One of my sons has developed OCD. the other has seemingly bounced back into school without any concerns but cannot sleep alone now

I spend every single night shuttling between my children who are both having nightmares oor sleep etc

Its not just that you have the drain on time, you’re also trying to protect another humans mental health and development.

I’d find it all so much easier if I wasn’t worrying about my children and their future

anyway I’ll be honest op your message was so harsh! I think I’d be following that up with an apology for the wording but reiterate that you are completely burnt out because you sound like you’re ok your knees

Parents come in all forms. Once your children grow up and leave home doesn't mean you worry about them any less. Being a parent during this pandemic that has an adult child with mh problems has its issues as well. You are unable to be with them. You are unable to make sure they are accessing the support they need or the medication they need.

Just because your child grows up doesn't mean you stop being a parent.

@Newcastleteacake

I think you missed my point. I know it's not a competition. I am saying that people with caring responsibilities in their home are tapped out in terms of providing care, and it's fair enough for them to say no.

A person living alone is having a hard time no doubt. Awful. But they can access emotional support and advice from many sources: friends, apps, online groups, meditation you tube clips, journaling, hobbies, etc etc etc. my children don't have those options. I am their sole source of emotional support. I am tapped out.

Time, empathy, attention, emotional labour are Finite resources. Parents of young children are burning out, and should feel no guilt or shame in prioritising giving what little emotional resources they have left to their children and being less available to other people.

Not a suffering competition at all, but a matter of considering what you're asking for and whether it is fair.

Well, that was a right drama queen message and the outcome was completely predictable.

Why are you surprised? If you want to reduce the drama and emotional energy, why are you increasing the drama and emotional energy?

I think your msg is of a person who snapped, not ideal but not unreasonable either. Think your mother is the pits for saying she doesn’t want to speak to you again rather than worrying about you or how she could help

Your message was very harsh but now you have what you wanted, them to leave you be so make the most it and not to worry. If they are still being like this in 6 months then maybe it needs sorting but for now there’s nothing you can do. You can’t take back your message so enjoy the peace from it at least.

@IUsedToBeAsSmugAsYou

You were very passive then very aggressive. What would have been fairer to everyone would have been to be assertive.

Passive is when you only consider other people's needs, aggressive is when you only consider your needs, assertive is when you take both of your needs into account.

It's fine if you only have enough time and energy to have very limited phone calls with them but tell them that kindly at first. By acting like you are happy to phone them frequently then snapping and sending a rage filled text you haven't treated them fairly.

They will be aware that you see them as a burden, "an effort", and that you are emotionally distant and don't share your problems with them. That will naturally make them feel rejected and unwanted and that your calls were just you patronising them.

This, I think. In fact I don’t blame you for snapping in the circumstances, but in fact this isn’t an example of ‘holding your boundaries’, it’s more not having boundaries at all for ages and letting people negatively encroach on your life, and then suddenly snapping and aggressively over-compensating for your previous passivity and people-pleasing.

Boundary-holding needs to be assertive, not aggressive, and consistent, not lax for a long time and then suddenly asserted.

CupOfTeaAlonePlease

I understand completely where you are coming from, but you are still insinuating that it's only parents with young children that are at capacity.

What about a person that cares for a loved one with dementia? What about a single person that works full time as a paramedic? What about a parent with an adult child that has additional needs?

Parents of young children do not have the monopoly on being pushed to the limit.

You chucked the dummy out with your family (who have been chucking the dummy out with you). You all need your heads banged together and told to grow up tbh.

Apologies, I didn't know there was a derogatory term. I don't look down on anyone who doesn't have children, I was only trying to convey that she was not someone struggling with infertility etc. Don't apologise for that. I, like many of my friends and family are childess by choice. I have no idea why it's dergoatory, it is an acurate descrption of people who have n kid, dn't ant them have no known fertility issues. It's a valid choice and does free us of the additional stresses of managing kids!

@openwaterswimming don't panic. Don't apologise either. Just wait. For every time they think you have been heartess they have been thoughtless. And anyone telling you otherwise has every right to their own opinion but have no need to judge you!

An old man once said to me that every family has its work horse and they work it to death.

These family dynamics were in place before the pandemic and are now just more obvious.

@Newcastleteacake

CupOfTeaAlonePlease

I understand completely where you are coming from, but you are still insinuating that it's only parents with young children that are at capacity.

What about a person that cares for a loved one with dementia? What about a single person that works full time as a paramedic? What about a parent with an adult child that has additional needs?

Parents of young children do not have the monopoly on being pushed to the limit.

I don’t think that’s what Cup is saying. She’s saying Yes, those single people are pushed to their limits too but may not be able to rely on parents to provide the emotional support they want right now, because the parents are having to provide that to their children and might have no more emotional labour to give.

So those single people pushed to their limits need to seek that emotional input elsewhere, from others in a similar position perhaps (in the way the mother and sister in OP’s situation could).

It’s deeply unfair and awful all round and everyone wishes it were different but right now parents prioritising children over single adult relations or friends is an unfortunate but necessary reality.

Talking about it becoming competitive suffering sounds like a very good way to shout down mothers who have been noted to have taken the brunt of this pandemic.

@blackcat86

What a breathtakingly arrogant statement

I probably wouldn't have phrased it that way, but I definitely agree with your point!

I wanted to post, because I've had to take a big step back from extended family recently. In dribs and drabs over the past few years really. Mine have been too hurtful over the years towards me and my late mum and surviving dad. I used to tolerate them, "because they're family", but now I don't. It's taken me a long time to get to a point of putting my foot down and yes, people get angry when a former people pleaser creates boundaries, regardless of how reasonable those boundaries are.

With my extended family, because they aren't super close relatives, I just did a polite but clear excuse with the older ones. One horrible cousin, I eventually ended up having to block on my phone; I had good reason to!

Anyway, my point is, you aren't wrong to put boundaries in place at all. I have young dcs at home too and have never had any help from any family with them, (my mum is dead and my dad lives overseas), so no, I will not hesitate to tell someone I don't have time to talk right now, can I call you back?

You were very passive then very aggressive.

I agree - rather than maintaining boundaries (a reasonable amount of contact which you could sustain without stress) you were passively letting them take too much of your time and blame you for not doing more, then you snapped and sent rather a rude message. I probably would have done the same - I'm always hoping to avoid confrontation, so I let people behave a bit badly, then when I get sick of it I grow teeth and they are shocked and hurt ( too bad). It's not the same as maintaining healthy boundaries, and I am mindful to handle things better with my DC.

But after a year of pandemic you are allowed to snap. Let them support each other and mutter about how you are losing it. Schools back next week, things will get better.

I agree with others that you didn't set boundaries with your message, OP. You just ranted at them. Setting boundaries would have prevented this. Setting boundaries would have been "sorry mum, this isn't a good time, what with the kids home learning and dinnertime. Can I call you when it's better for me? Or how about we keep it to a weekly call on Tuesday evenings?"

Instead, you did what a friend did to me. She encouraged me to open up to her about a problem (sometimes against my better judgement) over a period of time, and then one day out of the blue, sent me a message like yours, and pretty much ended the friendship. I was devastated. She had never shown a single sign that she was finding it hard. In fact she was the one who would bring up the subject more often than not. If she'd been gently honest earlier ,her frustration and my upset could have been avoided.

So call them. Explain why you flipped, and see how you can get back on track. With boundaries in place.

I don’t know why so many posters are saying you were harsh. It sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of emotional labour to prop your mother and sister up over the last year and it’s understandable that you’ve only got so much capacity. You are expected to be sympathetic to their struggles, yet they fail to take into account yours.

Throughout life I have learnt two things, the first is that certain people will drain you, then blame you for being empty, and the second is that those who stomp boundaries or have no boundaries themselves will get angry when you enforce yours.

Your sister and your mother can support each other for a bit, like they should have been doing alll along. Like we keep being told, this last year has been shit for everyone, and that includes you. You can’t absorbs everyone else’s crap indefinitely, it’ll break you. Your family will kick and scream but tough shit.