I held my boundaries with family and now theyre angry with me

[openwaterswimming]

Maybe this will sound harsh.
But you know the way they're always telling people to reach out to friends and family if they're feeling anxious/depressed/lonely during Covid? Well what if the person they're reaching out to is up to their gd dam limit and can't listen for another single second? They never talk about that person.
So I'm in a typical Covid lockdown situation with young children/toddlers, working full time from home, husband key worker, money stress, work stress, constant unending housework, cooking and cleaning and barely a minute to myself. But I'm fine, I'm managing, I'm just completely and utterly frazzled.
My sister has no children and with lockdown and no steady work she is sitting around her house, lonely, anxious and bored out of her mind for most of the last year. Similarly, my mother, is alone, lonely, depressed and bored. Neither of them live near me or near eachother.
Until recently I had really been making an effort. I phoned my mother every day and tried to ring my sister as often as possible. I tried to do video calls with the kids, but neither were particularly interested. It felt like no matter how often I called, or how many pictures or videos or memes I sent it was never enough. I was always in the bad books for not contacting them often enough, not returning their calls fast enough, not being a listening ear or having "any empathy" for their plight. Both blamed me for not doing more for the other. Both seem to have infinite time to dream up ways that I am in the wrong or was in the wrong at some historical time. Ok, sometimes I'm distracted, or rushed but I'm literally usually doing 50,000 things at once!
Anyway a few weeks ago I sent a message and said "I am at capacity right now, I can't listen to your problems any more, I have my own struggles I'm just trying to get on with it. If you want to do video calls with the kids that's great but I can't be an agony aunt right now".
Of course, now I'm persona non grata. Apparently neither of them want contact with me ever again for being so heartless and cold and "not caring" about them at this difficult time.
Seriously, how much is someone supposed to listen?
Has anyone had similar experiences with people raging at them for setting boundaries?

I’m conscious I’m a lover of solitude but I can’t honestly agree single/couples who are child free have it as hard as people with children. There is no respite for those with young children, no time for your own headspace at all. It’s not a competition but it’s patently obvious it is harder overall for people with young children.

@Newcastleteacake

I really don't think I said that. I include other people who are carers in everything I said.

You wouldn't ask someone who was suffering financially for a loan. Don't ask your friends who are burnt out from caring to provide emotional labour for you.

It doesn't mean you're not in need, or that your struggles aren't real. It's about being sensitive to what other people can be reasonably expected to give, given their situation.

YANBU - my mother isn’t really interested in video calls or ringing the kids but wants a daily email about what we are doing. Er nope!

Personally I would back off from the drama and tell them to talk amongst themselves while you take a break!

Drama in my family too from relatives not checking their messages and then accusing me of not bothering! What is it with them all? If they want drama, they can watch tv! I am also taking a huge step back from all their nonsense! Your relatives are perfectly capable of talking to each other and leaving you out of the nonsense. Only it does not suit them to do that because up til now you have enabled them. (Im not accusing you, I've done the same and am at a similar point)

Drama does not just walk into your life. Either you create it, invite it or associate with it. Just disengage and put self care first! Many of us have self care needs and we need to stop engaging with anyone who threatens our health and well being.

It’s not a competition but it’s patently obvious it is harder overall for people with young children.

I totally agree with you op but some things just look harsh when put in writing compared to face to face. Even if it’s totally fair. If you’d have said what you said verbally on FaceTime it’d have gone down better.

I agree that holding a boundary is more along the lines of telling mum you’ll call her at 6 on Tuesday and sister at 8 on Friday then saying you can’t chat as you’ve got other stuff on if either calls you at 2 on a Monday. You’d have created a boundary and then maintained it.

What you did was lash out, seemingly unprompted, saying you don’t care about their problems. This was after a year of trying to listen to their problems - something families ideally do for each other.

It must be bothering you as this was weeks ago and you've now created a thread about it seeking reassurance, absolution or a rant at how dreadfully unfair they are to you. You’ve had that from some posters.

The main point is you didn’t want to have to talk to them and now you don’t, but such an aggressive message will inevitably be hurtful and have lasting consequences.

You wanted to get out of the FOG (fear, obligation & guilt) with a message and now it's begun.

I would go on the Stately homes thread OP as I believe these dynamics would have been here way before covid.

Holding boundaries doesn’t mean lashing out, that’s what you did.

My sister has no children and with lockdown and no steady work she is sitting around her house, lonely, anxious and bored out of her mind for most of the last year. Similarly, my mother, is alone, lonely, depressed and bored. Neither of them live near me or near eachother.

Yeah, I'm single, parents dead. No siblings. It's absolutely hell being single in lockdown. You don't see anyone for weeks on end. You have a few zoom chats with people. The rest of the time you are on your own - lonely and going crazy and with no people around.
I know it's really really hard for people with families too but I think the singles are completely forgotten about. Yes, I don't have to juggle homeschool and home office, chores, cooking and trying to make time for a partner. But the grinding loneliness is absolute hell.

They've said you didn't have any empathy" for their plight.... I think that is true of a lot of people who are not having to live on their own -they are not experiencing months of solitude. The word "plight" sounds like you used that rather than them and it sounds like you are minimizing their situation because yours is so much worse. Based on your OP, I think it does sound like you are lacking empathy.

That said I do understand why you are at the end of your tether - you have a lot to deal with. That does not make their "plight" less than yours. They were rude and demanding by getting at you even though you were contacting them regularly. Your message was rude. You should have put boundaries in place much earlier and had an open and honest discussion with them before it got this far.

Fault on both sides here but hardly surprising in this awful situation we are in. If they don't want to contact you "ever again" then fine. I don't believe that.

Why the hell can’t they support one another ffs?

I'm with @Treacletoots on this.
I think a straw broke the camels back and honestly, about time too.
Leave them alone and see if they have an attitude change after their normal lives resume.
You have more than enough on your plate.
I hope this works out well for you op x

OP I am sorry

I hope they come to their senses

You say "Well what if the person they're reaching out to is up to their gd dam limit and can't listen for another single second? They never talk about that person."

I don't know who "they" are but mum and I are very aware how lucky we are not to have to deal with certain things in lockdown. Your family needed to be told that you are not their therapist.

Mum and I are even "sharing" the burden of a cousin who is driving us a bit mad.

One thing that really helps though - neither of us have ever done Skype or Zoom for family in spite of many being abroad. Also don't do Facebook or WhatApp. We will always help if there's a problem but those types of tech are way too much. There is a family WhatsApp and even needy cousin says it's driving him mad! Glad to say I've never seen the bloody thing.

So having set these boundaries, you might want to consider setting others. You can't be everyone's therapist and you need time to relax as well.

In terms of empathy, I nearly topped myself in April due to lockdown but that just makes me realise even more that I have to put myself first.

You did the right thing. Next step is they know you have boundaries - good! Hope you get some relaxing in this weekend.

icdtap sorry if stating obvious

I'm single too

As well as the bubble crap, you can change your bubble with a ten day gap or something. So it can work out that you can legally see people.

My trouble is I've only got one person who is willing to do that, plus my mum... but I think others might give up soon and visit.

Just saying in case it's of use to you.

Isn't it odd that people are telling the OP to have more empathy and that she was rude to family members that are showing no empathy and rudeness is normal.
Yet it's HER fault for not having enough empathy.
Yes maybe the text was rude but no one is perfect. Why is she meant to be?

I don't think this is boundaries, I think this family dynamics been going for far too long and now it's snapped.

What is your usual role in the family?

I have always been pushed into being the support person. Even as a child my grandmother would call me and tell me to go make my mother happy. My mum would try and call me 10-15 times a day. I always listened and always gave my support. I gave and I gave. In the end it was my partner that snapped, I was very unwell in hospital and I was still giving her everything. It's incredibly hard if you've been in that role and suddenly your capacity for it is reduced, whether that's pandemic, children, illness, exhaustion etc.

I think the problem with lockdowns etc is that all of the relief we find is temporary. So we really pull on what has worked for us over and over whether that's people, alcohol, etc. Things that were bearable become unbearable.

I'm in your position OP. I am with you completely. It's tough for everyone and no one is completely responsible for another persons happiness (even a mother to her child). Keep setting and holding your boundaries!

I think you are right to keep the boundary.

It's sounds like you are the scapegoat of the family if they're bringing up historal times you were wrong. I have had that role in my family and I've accepted that for some people, I'm the bad guy. I know I am not and it is their issues projected onto me. I don't try and please they and I keep my boundaries firm.

I would take the time to ring, apologise if the text came across as rude but state the boundary again. Raise the fact you are desperately short of time. I completely understand where you are coming from and could send the same message myself in a moment I've been pushed to snapping point.

I think your message was fine. Have they been a listening ear for you, and shown you any empathy? Or have they expected it all to be one-way?

@LunaHeather
Thanks. I'm in another country with different rules though.
We've been in lockdown on and off for months and that means not being able to leave the house unless for specific reasons. There are no bubbles here. In the last lockdown they allowed close family members to visit each other but not friends. So I couldn't legally meet friends.
Now that the lockdown has been loosened no one wants to meet anyone anyway. When I suggest meeting up even outside people just say they are sticking with just family at the moment because they are afraid of the new mutations.

@icdtap

I'm really sorry, I understand that must be very hard

I don't think you were harsh at all, you sound absolutely shattered and in need of tlc. Sounds like your mum and sister are both takers, and they won't have liked you putting boundaries in place that don't benefit them. Leave them to it and enjoy the peace. They'll come round in time and you can keep your boundaries in place and hopefully move forward with a more mutual relationship

OP we are all losing it and you are allowed to as well. It will all come out in the wash. Breathe in, breathe out, repeat “it’s just a phase” 20 times and go to be early for a bit more sleep