Controversial thought

[Flashblip]

So I read these board and and I feel for so many of your going through tough times with DP/H I read about all the porn, the emails the AP and I think wow that’s just utter shit for you all,

But at the same time am thinking I wish my H would have a bloody secret or and AP so I could justify leaving what seems to be to the outside world such a bloody perfect set up,

he smothers me most of you on here would love it, the kind gentleman he is, brings flowers home for no reason, cleans, cooks, not so good with the life admin and childcare but does his best, but he wants me to be his world in return, to never be away from me, it’s just so much pressure

100% know I sound ungrateful and I should just leave but then there is the DD the expectation from family the mutual friends the shitty financial situation we’re in and it’s all just so heavy, he knows I’m unhappy he knows that I need more from life than just us 3 in this house, his answer to this is to step up the attention the affection which is making it worse, I’ve told him this but this is how he deals with things

Do any of you just think I wish he’d fuck up in some way so I don’t look like the bad guy to get out of this life?

Does he go out by himself? Have his own friends? Goes to the dentist alone etc?

His behaviour is controlling and he needs to understand he is driving you away with the suffocation of it. Can you talk seriously to him about it? Its perfectly normal to want to do things on your own with friends or have hobbies. Being married doesnt mean you loose your identity and merge into one person. I think you need to make him see this.

I think this is about his childhood, perhaps seeing his mum being independent and going out he may think this led her to having affair? He may think thats what happens in marriages if a woman isnt treated well and he is terrified it will happen to him? He may have seen things when a child that has made him believe he has to behave like this in order to be happily married.

Whether he is insecure or needy this behaviour is suffocating & controlling you.

You sound like you have to brace yourself anytime you want to ask for a moment to do your own thing

He feels threatened & resentful when you want time alone. You are made to feel selfish & uncaring about his needs, when you ask for your own to be met.

His needs come at the expense of your needs

He sounds as though he is someone who craves being needed & adored - so the relationship with his mother in law is also reflective of that

Your mother sounds like she is happy but sometimes what our parents want for us is not always what we actually need as individuals.

I think you need to see a couples counsellor ASAP to help you negotiate new boundaries on this relationship safely

By safely mean for your own mental health - so the counsellor can advise him that silent treatment for having an hour to your self is not fucking Ok

Op
Even if he 'messes up' you will still weigh it against all the "good".

It's far more likely that YOU will be so unhappy, start to hate him, and YOU will mess up.

If you don't love him, just leave!

Was he always like this or is it getting worse in reaction to feeling you pull away? He's had a difficult childhood so it's not totally surprising that he doesn't know how to give space or respect boundaries and he sounds scared that you will leave so he's clinging on, not appreciating that he's making the very thing he's scared of, happen.
Obviously you can leave but if this was me, I'd try getting him some counselling first and see if he can reset what he learnt as a child. Once Covid is over and life gets back to normal, I'd insist on change. But I think I would give him one more opportunity to put this right before ending a marriage.

@Grimsknee, this is what I’m doing now, I’ve communicated how I feel and told him that I need space from time to time, am WFH and with homeschooling as well, so when he gets in from work I like to go take myself away for half hour read a book etc this is meet with sulks because he’s just got in and I should be happy to see him and talk about his day, no I need half hour and I do take it and also take the atmosphere that comes with it, am trying to put in my boundaries I really am,
@alvinp this sounds like a set up that I need to be honest, I would never want his relationship with DD to suffer because of my selfish need for space
@FoxgloveBee HA this I can resonate with hugely, my best friend is just like you but she’s been in my life longer than him and I won’t sacrifice my relationship or time with her, this is one person that if I go out with he’ll leave the level of messages to a min, during the little bit of freedom we had last year she came out to dinner armed with a pen and note pad and told me to right the pros and cons of my relationship and that I could not use DD as one of them to think about myself only, if only it was that easy my friend doesn’t have children. They get alone quite well but I know there is some jealousy on his part about our closeness.

Thinking back it’s always been an issue but I’ve managed to get time away with friends / work / gym but being on lockdown is showing just how much I have put up with over the years, a mutual friend got married a few years back and told me on her wedding day that what we had were couple goals and she hoped she had a marriage like mine, I just told her to have her own marriage not to model it on mine, I guess is someways always known it’s not right,

@lightand, he does go out alone but this is normally because on of the girls have told me there’s a lad night out planned and I ask him if he’s going it’s not often mentioned by him, so I kinda force him to go, I’ve also saved and paid for stag do’s / lads holidays etc to make sure he goes,
1 because I don’t want him to lose his friends and I want him to maintain relationship,
2 I want him to have new experiences it might excite him enough to want to do more alone,
3 I get to be alone in the house for a few nights.

Good.

You could try asking him what his fear is, as he does seem to have at least one.

@crestar

Yes - to be honest, you do sound extremely ungrateful and you need to pull your head in - along with many others on here with their 'advice'.

You must have known what he was like before you got married / had a child. Not for one second that he sounds in any way bad.

Too many people playing at relationships and other people's lives.

Grown Up.

Worse advice ever. Why should op ' put up with' controlling, suffocating behaviour and sulking??? Would you? Op deserves better.

“ I would never want his relationship with DD to suffer because of my selfish need for space.”

Why is needing space selfish? Everyone needs time to recharge in their own way.

If you have time to yourself wouldn’t he be there with DD bonding & their relationship improving?

Needing to recharge your batteries & alone time should bear no impact on his relationship with his child, if anything wouldn’t it improve it?

I feel like you’ve been bamboozled into believing your needs count for nothing & make you a selfish bad person.

You are unhappy because your needs come last & he is pushing back against you when you say you need something basic from him - like alone time.

Feeling suffocated is awful & nothing to feel “grateful for” when your boundaries are being bulldozed down at the expense of someone else’s neediness & insecurities.

Apparently now she is a bad mother for say, wanting a few hours to herself.

with DD to suffer because of my selfish need for space

It is not selfish to want space. It's absolutely normal. Your dh is the selfish one here, putting his wants and needs over yours ALL THE TIME.

I couldn't stand living with him. He's sulky, manipulative, controlling, smothering and creepy.

please read Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do this? Your h is right in there. His behaviour is abusive.

@gutful, as in my O post he’s not the best when it come to child care, he adores her of course he does, but he’s a better D if we’re doing things together as a family, during lockdown I’ve had to push for them to spend alone time together, she’s 9 she’s an only child I have to play with her at her level for example this morning we’re going roller skating in a car park, he wouldn’t do this with her he expects her to be older than her years,

he smothers me most of you on here would love it

It is really odd you think that. He sounds like a crap father and he is controlling you. That sort of man is not valued on mumsnet.

Also, you don't need any more reason to leave a marriage. Not happy is good enough.

Wow so he is an unengaged father as well

But leaving them alone together & makes YOU feel guilty and a bad parent

He has done a number on you OP

And he sounds awful I would hate this dynamic in a relationship - why do you think any of this is enviable?

Someone who “adores” you? I don’t want to be up on a pedestal, just someone to accept me for me & not smother my needs

I guess it’s always been normal life, but because I’ve been able to escape and deal with the tantrums and the silence I’ve never really noticed it, until now

What resonates with me is your title ‘controversial thought’ and that you think your lucky - because he’s not physically abusive / having an affair etc.

He is being abusive! He’s emotionally manipulating you, I’ve had this several times in the past. Not ok and just as harmful as a ‘stereotypically’ abusive partner!!!

Glad to hear you're implementing your boundaries OP! Good for you, I hope it helps you get the space and freedom you need whether in or out of this marriage.
Your best friend sounds like a really good ally.

@Newfor2021 am forever being told am lucky, that he’s a good one, work friends have said it’s so good “let’s you go” away for weekends with the girls I always say he doesn’t let me I make sure I go, but I’ve never said to them about the reactions I get when I make sure I do go, I suppose no one openly admits to being unhappy in marriage, no on sees behind closed doors do they

@Grimsknee, am trying it’s hard and am meet with more and more silence, which makes it uncomfortable but am sticking to my guns especially with the 30mins alone after work. It’s important to me as I’ve said to him he gets alone time to and from work and it’s not much but it’s much more than I get,
She’s the best knows what to say and when to say it, gives me lots of support knows my quiet times my patterns, but I also know he in the same way and I offer support to her in the ways she needs,

I couldn't cope with that.
He is completely smothering you.
It's controlling and he uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants ie. when he sulks because you want to read for half an hour.
That is absolutely ridiculous.

It's not healthy if people don't have time for themselves or if someone is constantly messaging when the other one goes out for an evening.
If he won't accept the boundaries you put in place you could consider relationship counselling. And if that doesn't work, leave. You can't live like this for the rest of your life.

Oh and if you are wishing he had a secret so that you have an excuse to leave, the relationship is probably already anyway.
You can leave for any reason you want. He doesn't have to have murdered someone or shagged half of the neighbourhood.

@icdtap what you say it true, I think my train of through at the moment is a way out but feel guilty wanting to make changes

@gutful, you know what he really has done a number on me, FFS why did I ever think this is normal or what others want,

I’ve taken our DD to park, skate park, mcds while he’s been at work, I don’t sit and watch I play like the other mums just look at me strange 39 year old women crammed in the top of a slide, she wants to go to a different skate park this afternoon, so I said to her why don’t you ask your dad to take you later, said she didn’t want to because he’ll just say no, but that’s a different thread,
She’s asked when we got home of course it’s a no, so I explained to him the conversation I’d had with her about asking him to do stuff,

So guess what it’s my fault he doesn’t do this stuff with her, MY FAULT because he doesn’t feel like I love him that I don’t appreciate him enough that I don’t want to spend time together, I just want half hour or so a day with out being supervised.

Normally I’d let these things go, or agree that I’d go to the skate park as a family but today based on this thread and some of the things people had said about our relationship m, I wanted to see where it would go if I left him to strop, I expected the silence but I got words today,

There are many many time I’d rather not go play on the park but she’s 9 she’s fed up she’s our responsibility to entertain I don’t want her just sat on iPad or tv,

He’s out burst today has shown me that unless I give in it won’t get better, will make time for a chat later with him, it’s hard to get your point across to someone who thinks there right all the time