Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Controversial thought

74 replies

Flashblip · 05/03/2021 18:11

So I read these board and and I feel for so many of your going through tough times with DP/H I read about all the porn, the emails the AP and I think wow that’s just utter shit for you all,

But at the same time am thinking I wish my H would have a bloody secret or and AP so I could justify leaving what seems to be to the outside world such a bloody perfect set up,

he smothers me most of you on here would love it, the kind gentleman he is, brings flowers home for no reason, cleans, cooks, not so good with the life admin and childcare but does his best, but he wants me to be his world in return, to never be away from me, it’s just so much pressure

100% know I sound ungrateful and I should just leave but then there is the DD the expectation from family the mutual friends the shitty financial situation we’re in and it’s all just so heavy, he knows I’m unhappy he knows that I need more from life than just us 3 in this house, his answer to this is to step up the attention the affection which is making it worse, I’ve told him this but this is how he deals with things

Do any of you just think I wish he’d fuck up in some way so I don’t look like the bad guy to get out of this life?

OP posts:

YogaMommyyyyy · 05/03/2021 19:08

Suffocation by control. You will slowly wither away if you stay.

Original poster

Flashblip · 05/03/2021 19:12

@Ozziewoz most of your post I can relate to, around 2 years ago I remember asking him why he used to sit and watch me blow dry my hair, he was just like you look so beautiful while you do it, erm bugger off I want to do it alone, he also like to follow me in the kitchen he’ll come in the garden there is he, it’s like having 2 children.

OP posts:

NoPrivateSpy · 05/03/2021 19:14

You must be exhausted after 19 years of it OP! He sounds hard work.

Original poster

Flashblip · 05/03/2021 19:19

@Kgrzghtechh in what way do you mean?

OP posts:

sunnyzweibrucken · 05/03/2021 19:45

i have a male friend that is going through something similar with his GF. she stares him constantly. even after he tells her to stop staring.

the minute she thinks he should be off work she calls him so she can find out when he will be home, hoping he will not make any stops before he gets there. if he's late she gets "sad" and huffy.

she wont go anywhere without him. she expects him to go to bed when he does, and if he doesn't she has an attitude.

if he pays attention to his dogs or his older children she starts showing out because she thinks she should get ALL of his attention.

when she travels for work or to visit her children she's constantly calling and texting even though she hasn't seen her children for months. she's OBSESSED with him and he hates it.

Original poster

Flashblip · 05/03/2021 20:01

@sunnyzweibrucken, he to likes to go to bed at the same time if I go early or later then it’s not normal and why am I changing things,

I really didn’t want this to be a bitch about him as a person, he is who he is, there is no changing that he doesn’t want to change I’ve asked him and he’s very happy with his life as it is, obviously he’s happier when am home and agreeable.

OP posts:

MrsBobDylan · 05/03/2021 20:04

Op, what @Kgrzghtechh was telling you is that you are in a controlling and coercive relationship. People who end up in these are often brought up by parents who are controlling and coercive.

Your Mum's reaction to hearing you are unhappy should have been to ask you why not to tell you that you can't leave him until dd is grown up.

MrsBobDylan · 05/03/2021 20:05

Of course he's happy, he treating you like a puppet and getting all of his selfish needs met.

He is really abusive op - I hope that some day soon you will come to see this and tell your Mum to fuck off back to the 1950s.

Pashazade · 05/03/2021 20:06

He might be happy but he appears to be slowly making you miserable....it's obviously been building for years. Do you really want to live this way for another 40 years? It isn't nice or normal it's unpleasant and the fact he sulks when you want to spend time by yourself....that isn't right. I'd start looking at how to leave. Ignore your mother's opinion. If other people are shocked it will be flash in the pan. But this sounds like death by a thousand cuts to me and he is only going to get worse and more fixed as he gets older.

Cautious47 · 05/03/2021 20:11

Completely agree with @category12 and I’m a guy who’s wife left me! He’s not blameless. He’s slowly killing the relationship by being so smothering. That said, lockdown has made things unusually challenging and he needs to be given a chance to change for the better if he’s not aware of how his behaviour is killing things.

lightand · 05/03/2021 20:14

What was his childhood like?
What is his relationship with his parents like?

Original poster

Flashblip · 05/03/2021 20:46

@MrsBobDylan, I’ll read up on this sort of relationship thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Flashblip · 05/03/2021 20:52

@lightand, his parents divorced when he was 21, his mum had been having an affair for most of his life, from what he’s said his dad was very jealous of the relationship he and his mum had and they are still very close, he to is an only child. They didn’t have many family holidays days out etc,

@Cautious47, I’ve been waiting out lockdown to see if anything changes, we had a chat the other day about what we was looking forward to come time of freedom, mine were trips friends returning back to the office, his were date nights dinners and family holidays, no mention of friends from him at all, and he does have a long time friendship group

OP posts:

SwanShaped · 05/03/2021 21:07

He sounds a nightmare. There’s plenty of ‘nice guys’ who actually aren’t. He’s controlling.

Original poster

Flashblip · 05/03/2021 22:07

Lots to think about thank you,

I’ve just become so used to how things are in our house, I’ve always thought it more of it as my problem of how I react than his behaviour, like he’s normal and am the one in the wrong

OP posts:

coronaway · 05/03/2021 22:17

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? It sounds like you need to end it.

EarthSight · 05/03/2021 22:31

Sometimes a certain dynamic just doesn't work for one reason or another. You really shouldn't feel smothered or suffocated. He needs to respect your boundaries and the fact you need a certain amount of alone time to recharge. Maybe the more he lets you do that, the more comfortable you will feel.

I don't think he's necessarily abusive. You both seem to have very different needs and preferred modes of interaction. This has simply worn you down more & more over time.

Original poster

Flashblip · 05/03/2021 23:04

@EarthSight thank you, this makes sense, I do need time alone and comfortable alone but I also love being around people I find enjoyment in meeting new people, he’s more reserved with friendship groups,
Sometime I look at us both as people and would never put us together in a million years but we’ve had some good times over the years, seems lockdown has made our differences more visible

OP posts:

Grimsknee · 06/03/2021 00:26

OP, you're feeling smothered because when you seek privacy, independence, and autonomy within the relationship, he punishes you by sulking and huffing. He maybe happy but why aren't YOU also entitled to be happy??
If it's a healthy relationship, this is something you can work on by communicating assertively, stating your needs ("i need time on my own" etc) and letting him sulk til the cows come home without responding to that behaviour - setting the boundary between his emotions and yours.

If it's not a healthy relationship he will continue to deny your needs are valid. He may even escalate from emotional control/coercion to abuse.

DeeCeeCherry · 06/03/2021 00:36

Do you not have a hobby? Do you read/cycle/go to evening class/see friends - anything? pre-Covid and post-Covid I mean, of course. So that he's not with you all the time?

If after 19 years you want out then just end it. Life's short. Why stay where you're not happy?

I don't think he's necessarily abusive, you can have time away if you want to it seems? He doesn't try to stop you. He's just not your type and you likely knew that when you got married unless there's somehow been a mega-change.

VegetarianDeathCult · 06/03/2021 00:45

Two things from your first post, OP. No, ‘most of us here’ would not ‘love it’. Most of us have said he sounds awful, suffocating and leech-like. No one has said your relationship sounds ‘perfect’ — that’s coming from you, and perhaps your mother. Your bar is just low.

And secondly, it’s ridiculous to wish he would have an affair to you’d be justified in leaving him. You’re unhappy — that’s enough reason. It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. Sometimes relationships just stop working. But this clearly won’t end if you don’t end it.

TalktotheFoot · 06/03/2021 00:51

@crestar

Yes - to be honest, you do sound extremely ungrateful and you need to pull your head in - along with many others on here with their 'advice'.

You must have known what he was like before you got married / had a child. Not for one second that he sounds in any way bad.

Too many people playing at relationships and other people's lives.

Grown Up.

So a bird in a gilded cage should be happy to be locked up and unable to fly free then?

alvinp · 06/03/2021 07:58

Agree with others here, he sounds insecure, smothering and controlling.

I have a friend who left her husband amicably. He was, I believe, similar to yours and she describes herself as a free spirit, she couldn't cope with it so she ended it as kindly as she could.

She lives near him now, their kids move happily between the households largely depending on their own choice. She has the freedom she needed but they still go on some family holidays together, even though she has a new partner.

All I'm saying is it is possible to just leave but work on being on good terms, which is much harder if one partner has an affair.

FoxgloveBee · 06/03/2021 08:10

That sounds stifling and I wouldn't be able to cope. What stands out to me (apart from following round the house) is the constant contact when you're with your friends and being annoyed if you don't maintain this.

Only you know if you can cope with this. I feel like one of my old friends will be in your situation in a few years. They had a lot of history and travelled together for years before settling down in one spot at the beginning of their relationship so his behaviours weren't apparent until they both lived in one place with full time jobs. He was so clingy that it made ME feel stifled. He would turn up on nights out, not just text. I still care about her but I couldn't cope being close friends with someone who was always on her phone when we were together or three wheeling with the two of them.

lightand · 06/03/2021 08:34

@Flashblip

Before lockdown I would go do my own thing with friends / work trips / weekends away but would have constant messages about what am doing with how, now if I said I wanted to take the DD away alone that would be a no, during lockdown if I tell him I want a hour or 2 to myself it will result in at atmosphere for a good few days, doesn’t see why am not content to just be with him, I do go out without him food shopping is done alone, have taken to just driving around to get alone time but it’s not meet with the best reaction

I am wondering if he is lonely. You are allowed to go away on your own, sort of. But taking DD too is a no no. He has been used to being his mother's world, so amongst other things, wasn't alone. Now he wants or perhaps needs, the same from you.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread