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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controversial thought

74 replies

Flashblip · 05/03/2021 18:11

So I read these board and and I feel for so many of your going through tough times with DP/H I read about all the porn, the emails the AP and I think wow that’s just utter shit for you all,

But at the same time am thinking I wish my H would have a bloody secret or and AP so I could justify leaving what seems to be to the outside world such a bloody perfect set up,

he smothers me most of you on here would love it, the kind gentleman he is, brings flowers home for no reason, cleans, cooks, not so good with the life admin and childcare but does his best, but he wants me to be his world in return, to never be away from me, it’s just so much pressure

100% know I sound ungrateful and I should just leave but then there is the DD the expectation from family the mutual friends the shitty financial situation we’re in and it’s all just so heavy, he knows I’m unhappy he knows that I need more from life than just us 3 in this house, his answer to this is to step up the attention the affection which is making it worse, I’ve told him this but this is how he deals with things

Do any of you just think I wish he’d fuck up in some way so I don’t look like the bad guy to get out of this life?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/03/2021 18:17

You don’t need him to make a huge mistake to leave him; take the decision you need to take

Original poster
Flashblip · 05/03/2021 18:29

I know what I should do, but doing it is a different matter, totally in a selfish way thinking about how people will view me

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/03/2021 18:30

Why does it matter? The people who love you won’t think badly of you and if they do then they’re not good people

category12 · 05/03/2021 18:32

Could you make it better for yourself by putting in some boundaries with him?

What happens if you want to spend an evening or day, or a few hours, doing your own thing?
Do you have opportunity to see friends/family on your own (out of lockdown, of course)?
What happens if you want to go away for a night or two on your own or just you and dc?

Original poster
Flashblip · 05/03/2021 18:35

I’ve had a conversation with my mum about this and she has flatly told me, that I should stop being ungrateful and be happy with what I have, my DD told me today that people shouldn’t get divorced until there children have grown up and left home, I feel that if I take the step that I’ll do it very much alone,

OP posts:
myrtlehuckingfuge · 05/03/2021 18:35

Best to do it now, have a good split for the sake of the kids. It doesn't have to end up in rows. If either of you checks out and has an affair, take it from me, it takes years for parents to co-parent affably.

Original poster
Flashblip · 05/03/2021 18:41

Before lockdown I would go do my own thing with friends / work trips / weekends away but would have constant messages about what am doing with how, now if I said I wanted to take the DD away alone that would be a no, during lockdown if I tell him I want a hour or 2 to myself it will result in at atmosphere for a good few days, doesn’t see why am not content to just be with him, I do go out without him food shopping is done alone, have taken to just driving around to get alone time but it’s not meet with the best reaction

OP posts:
NoPrivateSpy · 05/03/2021 18:41

No one can tell you what should and shouldn't work in your relationship. It's your life.

In my opinion, it's much better to tell someone you are not in love with them anymore than to be waiting for them to mess up or live with seething resentment. In the long run, your family will appreciate your honesty. As will your partner, who deserves love as much as you do.

Do you get bored easily though, OP? Seems like an odd thing for your mum to say.

agreyersky · 05/03/2021 18:42

totally in a selfish way thinking about how people will view me

Please, please don't make decisions based on what others will think. Part of the biggest fuck up I made, a life catastrophising fuck up, I made partly because I worried what others would think. Jeez, now I see how stupid that was, most people wouldn't care, those that did view it negatively I would have just been a passing thought till they moved onto the next thought about their own lives.

I guess your mum will have more than a passing thought, but do you really want to form your life around the view of someone who wants you to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy?

You are entitled to live your life in your way. Follow your own path of determination.

agreyersky · 05/03/2021 18:44

@Flashblip

Before lockdown I would go do my own thing with friends / work trips / weekends away but would have constant messages about what am doing with how, now if I said I wanted to take the DD away alone that would be a no, during lockdown if I tell him I want a hour or 2 to myself it will result in at atmosphere for a good few days, doesn’t see why am not content to just be with him, I do go out without him food shopping is done alone, have taken to just driving around to get alone time but it’s not meet with the best reaction
I can see why you are unhappy. His behaviour is not normal. You shouldn't have to live like that.
AnyFucker · 05/03/2021 18:45

He sounds very far from perfect

He sounds clingy, controlling and coercive

Why worry what other people think...are they living your life ? They might have an opinion if you end it but so what ? You only owe yourself a happy future, and you won’t get it with him.

NoPrivateSpy · 05/03/2021 18:46

Yes, I agree. I commented before your update. He does sounds controlling.

BUT, my DH was like this in our early days. He was very insecure and quite jealous but he changed (ultimatums!) and now he's the total opposite.

Have you been together long?

Original poster
Flashblip · 05/03/2021 18:49

@NoPrivateSpy no not board easily at all, we’ve been together 19 years married 10, so it’s not a quick flash in the pan relationship. I have told him that I’m unsure of my feelings, resulted in him saying that I was telling him that all our relationship has been a lie which it hasn’t,

@agreyersky, this is what I think i need to understand, that am more important than them and their thoughts but I just can’t seem to get past it

OP posts:
Original poster
Flashblip · 05/03/2021 18:53

I wouldn’t say I fight for my weekends away but I do have to tell him simply it’s happening end of, I can always tell he’s not happy about them. I have 2 booked in for this year he was ok with these it’s been a long year, I have a special birthday coming up and the girls have booked a surprise trip this one he wasn’t so happy about and resulted in an argument,

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2021 18:54

How old is your daughter?. Sounds like her dad has been influencing her here. She is not the arbiter of your relationship, you are. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?
She could well end up being with a man just like her dad here.

Your mother is just wrong on so many levels here, it’s partly her rubbish counsel as well that has led you into marrying someone like your husband to start with. She seems to also have a vested interest in keeping you miserable. Those that mind do not matter and those that matter do not mind. Ignore her so called advice and rebuild your life without your husband.

category12 · 05/03/2021 18:55

@Flashblip

Before lockdown I would go do my own thing with friends / work trips / weekends away but would have constant messages about what am doing with how, now if I said I wanted to take the DD away alone that would be a no, during lockdown if I tell him I want a hour or 2 to myself it will result in at atmosphere for a good few days, doesn’t see why am not content to just be with him, I do go out without him food shopping is done alone, have taken to just driving around to get alone time but it’s not meet with the best reaction
No wonder you feel suffocated.

In a normal relationship, you just discuss that you're going away and go - it's not a matter of asking permission - why does he get to say "no" to you going somewhere?

The huffing, black cloud and never giving you any space are controlling behaviours.

You have genuine reasons for leaving him. It is not the case that you are ungrateful. He is the bad guy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2021 18:56

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

SwanShaped · 05/03/2021 19:01

That is in no way a perfect relationship. Just because he cooks and cleans doesn’t mean you should be forever grateful and never need time to yourself. It’s emotional manipulation. Also, beware gifts that make you feel beholden. As in ‘look, I bring you flowers unannounced, now you’re never allowed to want time without me’ It’s a very effective way of making you feel like it’s your fault. It’s not. If I want to do something, I just book it in diary. No need to ask. He should feel happy you have a social life, not sulk.

wandawombat · 05/03/2021 19:02

That would wind me up. Suffocating.

crestar · 05/03/2021 19:04

Yes - to be honest, you do sound extremely ungrateful and you need to pull your head in - along with many others on here with their 'advice'.

You must have known what he was like before you got married / had a child. Not for one second that he sounds in any way bad.

Too many people playing at relationships and other people's lives.

Grown Up.

Original poster
Flashblip · 05/03/2021 19:05

@AttilaTheMeerkat DD is 9, I wasn’t sure if there her words or his, I have told her this isn’t the case
With my up bringing only child single parent family so nothing to go on, grandparents married for life, never apart
My mum gets along with him well he will help with anything and her health isn’t the best so she relies on me (and him) a lot.
At this moment I get a meal cooked 4 days out of the week and his wage coming in to the house,
@category12 I must admit I book things and then have to take a deep breath to let him know when and where am off to, am not selfish with it I save monthly for these trips always make sure there is childcare sorted if he’s working or if he wants to do something while I’m away,

OP posts:
Kgrzghtechh · 05/03/2021 19:05

You ever think that maybe your mum's attitude is part of the reason you ended up in a controlling and coercive relationship in the first place?

Ozziewoz · 05/03/2021 19:05

My ex was very like this. If he went out, I’d leave him to enjoy himself. If I went out I’d be bombarded by texts. Flowers, chocolates, following around the house. Every time I was alone, he’d follow me. I’d be getting dressed, he’d walk in. I’d be in the bath, he’d walk in. It’s so suffocating. I explained how it was all making me feel but he would carry in regardless, telling me it’s because he cared about me so much. If I pushed him back he’d tell me I was being cold or that nothing he was doing was good enough. If I was on my phone taking a call, he would walk in and interrupt every single time. It was horrendous for me. I’m now divorcing him, and since separating, his behaviour became worse. Texts at 5.30am demanding how the children are. Cutting of all finances, taking the car even though he has a company car. I’m so glad I’m out of it. At least I can breathe now and go for a wee without him following me.
You need to be your own person too. If you are unhappy and drowning in this, it’s time to get out. You’ve tried talking to him and he is not listening.

anamazingfind · 05/03/2021 19:05

Its controlling behaviour, only you just can't see it. Its not normal and you don't need to justify to yourself or others. You are not happy

Original poster
Flashblip · 05/03/2021 19:07

@crestar I never said he was bad,

OP posts:
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