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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I losing my mind

63 replies

xxdriftwoodxx · 04/03/2021 23:51

My partner and I haven’t had sex for around 5 years, he wasn’t very interested before then.
He says he hasn’t any interest in sec. this was difficult for me and ate away at me.
A few months ago I walked into the bathroom while he was having a shower and he was in the throes of masturbating ..... I know this is healthy and normal but I was so angry that I haven’t really spoken to him since and I am preparing to leave him.
I guess I am feeling selfish and petty to leave under these circumstances , but I feel his lack of interest in me is hurtful and soul destroying especially now I know he prefers sorting himself out.
I am so angry I’ve wasted the past years with him

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 04/03/2021 23:54

Have you spoken to him? About his lack o physical desire for you? Could he be gay but a married someone he loved because that was what you did rather than come out?
I can understand why you're upset but I think sexual desire for another person and the masturbate sexual urge come from quote different places

Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 05/03/2021 00:20

Yes I have spoken to him about his lack of sexual desire, he says he has no interest or any sexual desire at all .
So when I caught him masturbating I presumed he has got some sexual desire for fulfilment for himself to sort out his frustrations

OP posts:
optimistic40 · 05/03/2021 00:36

I don't think that the masturbation is very relevant as it's a different thing to sex (I admit I would still feel hurt and angry).

BUT no sex for five years? That is too long to just brush under the carpet. Do you want a sexless relationship forever? I think it's time to decide whether you want to live like this.

NotAgainNoMore · 05/03/2021 00:47

No it's not selfish and petty to leave him.
He obviously does have sexual desires but for whatever reason, didn't want sex with you.
I couldn't get over that.

Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 05/03/2021 07:45

I am also 58, so I think should I just shut up and put up with the situation as life on my own will be a sexless relationship .
I find myself in a dilemma

OP posts:
tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 05/03/2021 07:50

@xxdriftwoodxx

I am also 58, so I think should I just shut up and put up with the situation as life on my own will be a sexless relationship . I find myself in a dilemma
I live a sexless life on my own and have had a sexless life with someone else. The former is a million times more satisfying. People worry about living alone but there are so many upsides
Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 05/03/2021 09:03

My thought is to live a sexless life on my own would be fulfilling , I would lose the constant feeling of rejection that I have when he is near.
My insides are shouting and screaming at him, that I have started to feel sick when he is close to me.
We have tried to talk about it, he just says he has no desire, takes me shopping and it’s not spoken about.
He’s a really happy guy who doesn’t need sex .
He’s noticed I pull away if he wants a hug that really upsets him then part of me gets so angry with his reaction to me pulling away .... I feel anger because he is sad I pull away now from his hugs , as I think how does he think I feel .
Sometimes when we have a hug I would feel aroused but I’m not allowed to have normal feelings

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2021 09:19

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. If anyone is being selfish here its him. He is seemingly happy as he is and cannot at all comprehend your own sadness here. Taking you shopping as well as some sort of sop is not going to cut it here.

Do not sell yourself short by settling for this from him because it sounds absolutely miserable. Your life is not over at 58 either, you are still an adult with agency and you can and should make better choices for yourself.

Turnipnose · 05/03/2021 20:48

Op it sounds soul destroying. I would have a final chat and lay it all out about this and if he’s still brushing it away under the carpet tell him you want more and leave.

Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 05/03/2021 21:46

Turnipnose
That is my thought, this journey has been very much soul destroying .
In 2013 I posted on here after my husband had affairs, I left him and met my now partner.
Sex was an issue immediately , but because I left a marriage before I felt I had to put up with this.
I have spoken to him in a non accusing way but he really believes this is ok.
It’s not ok for me at all, it hurts in too many ways , it’s changing who I am in my last twilight years

OP posts:
pog100 · 05/03/2021 21:54

@xxdriftwoodxx

Turnipnose That is my thought, this journey has been very much soul destroying . In 2013 I posted on here after my husband had affairs, I left him and met my now partner. Sex was an issue immediately , but because I left a marriage before I felt I had to put up with this. I have spoken to him in a non accusing way but he really believes this is ok. It’s not ok for me at all, it hurts in too many ways , it’s changing who I am in my last twilight years
Yes you really should split and create a life you enjoy but please don't write yourself and those of us older than you off as Twilight Years!
Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 05/03/2021 21:58

With this guy they feel like twilight years but inside I feel I have so much to offer myself
So yes I take what you say on board
Thankyou x

OP posts:
Kelly345 · 05/03/2021 21:58

Focusing on the fact he was wanking might be missing the real issue here. You say sex was always an issue after all. Have you not indulged in maturation at all in all the years you've had no sexual intimacy?

harknesswitch · 05/03/2021 22:01

If you stay you're 'settling' you don't need to do that, there's loads of time to meet someone who you can share a wonderful life with and have a good fulfilling sex life.

Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 05/03/2021 22:04

I am sorry
It’s just how I feel being with him. I feel I have aged so much, the physical side took away my vitality and ability to be vulnerable with someone.
The person I feel I am when I’m with him and the person I see in the mirror are two different people.
I agree we are in our prime, Thankyou for reminding me, I value your words x

OP posts:
Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 05/03/2021 22:07

Him sorting himself out is as I said a natural course , but when he prefers to keep to “wanking” in private rather than sharing “ANYTHING” with me , leaves me feeling empty.

OP posts:
Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 05/03/2021 22:09

I can’t settle, it’s got to a point where I am not being me, I’m being so rude, impatient Snd cold towards him x

OP posts:
Turnipnose · 06/03/2021 09:17

Then hard as it is it’s time to leave. Easy for me to say but op these are not your twilight years, it’s the relationship with him, you’ve lost your self esteem. You don’t have to stay with anyone. It’s so lonely being with someone when it’s like this but you don’t have to.

Carolina24 · 06/03/2021 09:23

It’s possible to have no sexual desire and still have an urge to masturbate. Some asexual people masturbate and see it as ‘scratching an itch’, the way you might meet a need like hunger or thirst. It doesn’t mean he has been lying to you about his lack of sexual desire.

That said, five years is a long time to go without sex when you want it, and I don’t blame you for feeling like the relationship isn’t meeting your needs. You have every right to end it and find happiness elsewhere.

category12 · 06/03/2021 09:31

You're not happy, lack of sex makes you feel rejected and miserable, you still have many years ahead of you, don't spend them feeling like this.

You can choose the life you know, which is essentially more of the same until one of you dies.
Or you can choose the life you don't know, which has possibilities and opportunities.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/03/2021 09:36

Asexual people masturbate from time to time like scratching an itch they just have no interest in having sex with people. They still have sexual urges especially when young, we are all slaves to our hormones so I wouldn't let your mind run wild with what he's thinking about.
The problem here is are you prepared to live like this forever or just settle.

SortingItOut · 06/03/2021 09:38

@xxdriftwoodxx I think you could also benefit from counselling, your husband had affairs and then you stayed with your current partner because you felt you should.

I expect those affairs affected your self confidence and self esteem which is why you stayed with your new partner.

There is no shame in meeting someone and splitting up from them if it doesnt work.

What is your housing situation? How easy would it be to end things?

I think you need to tell your partner that you dont want to be with him anymore and then end things.

Do not stay in an unfulfilling relationship, you've got years ahead of you.

LouiseTrees · 06/03/2021 09:47

@xxdriftwoodxx

Him sorting himself out is as I said a natural course , but when he prefers to keep to “wanking” in private rather than sharing “ANYTHING” with me , leaves me feeling empty.
And have you been as blunt as this with him? You should
FluffyHippo · 06/03/2021 10:05

Rather than him being asexual or gay - the Mumsnet default position in situations like this - isn't it just more likely that he's no longer attracted to you and no longer finds you sexually arousing?

Labelling him gay or asexual very neatly absolves you of any responsibility in this, but the truth is more likely to be that he's just 'not into you' any more after all this time. He's still sexually attracted to women in general; he just not sexually attracted to one woman in particular.

Dery · 06/03/2021 10:08

“You're not happy, lack of sex makes you feel rejected and miserable, you still have many years ahead of you, don't spend them feeling like this.

You can choose the life you know, which is essentially more of the same until one of you dies.
Or you can choose the life you don't know, which has possibilities and opportunities.”

This. Life is not a dress rehearsal, OP, and we only get one shot. You sound miserable so why waste any more time? You can remain friends with your partner but not be in a relationship which leaves you feeling permanently rejected and like you’re in your twilight years. You’re in your 50s, not your 90s!