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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I losing my mind

63 replies

xxdriftwoodxx · 04/03/2021 23:51

My partner and I haven’t had sex for around 5 years, he wasn’t very interested before then.
He says he hasn’t any interest in sec. this was difficult for me and ate away at me.
A few months ago I walked into the bathroom while he was having a shower and he was in the throes of masturbating ..... I know this is healthy and normal but I was so angry that I haven’t really spoken to him since and I am preparing to leave him.
I guess I am feeling selfish and petty to leave under these circumstances , but I feel his lack of interest in me is hurtful and soul destroying especially now I know he prefers sorting himself out.
I am so angry I’ve wasted the past years with him

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 06/03/2021 14:15

And he has lied to you OP. He has strung you along knowing he was always attracted to men and not to you but he went along with the counselling so you would think he was not lying

Kelly345 · 06/03/2021 15:00

Today 12:53meganiris1922

This is totally defeating everything she has said ! Of course she has ! She's the bloody one who wants sex ! He doesn't .!says he's got no sexual desires so why the hell is he bashing one out ! When he should be sleeping with his wife ! Fuck me god help If a women gets pissed of about any issues with men wanking when they don't sleep with their partners it prefere porn . We are made out to be mental and controlling ! If I was the op it would be enough from me to walk away

He's got no desires for HER because she's FEMALE fgs, not because he has no sexual desires full stop. Try actually reading the thread and you might not make such irrelevant posts.

Eckhart · 06/03/2021 15:22

@xxdriftwoodxx

I guess I honestly thought I could get through this and be tolerant but I can’t any more, I felt selfish I guess by standing up to what I felt inside .
Selfish gets a really bad press. Those who look after and respect their own feelings, needs and desires are in the best position to be happy, lovely to be around, and offer support to others.

Selfish is looking after only your own needs (which is what he is doing) I'm sure you don't want a situation where you are the only happy one, and hang everybody else's feelings. Quite the opposite, you've been saying 'hang my own feelings' to the extent that you now feel like you're going to bust.

When you say you have spoken to him, have you told him straight that you can't continue with a sexless relationship, and so, as a couple, you need to move forward into looking for a relationship that meets both of your needs?

That's what needs to happen. If you are not able to present that to him, you have a bigger problem than the 'no sex' one, because you're in a relationship where you don't feel ok to share your feelings.

GeeBranzi · 07/03/2021 03:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

xxdriftwoodxx · 07/03/2021 21:45

Your totally right, I haven’t thought about my own needs and put others first.
It’s time to put myself first
Thank you all.
I know I must have seen wimpy bug I just needed to get some advice
So Thankyou 🤗

OP posts:
Eckhart · 08/03/2021 06:52

I know I must have seen wimpy bug I just needed to get some advice

Try to drop this attitude. Everything you do, you seem like yourself. Not pathetic, not stupid, not any of the names you call yourself and your attitudes. You are you. You do the things you have been conditioned to do by your upbringing and your subsequent experiences, just like everybody else does.

Your feelings deserve your respect, especially the things you feel deep down and are sometimes afraid to show. They don't deserve to be called stupid or wimpy. Your anger, for instance. Your anger deserves your respect. Your anger is the real you speaking. That's the voice of the very core of you. The reason it's angry at the moment is because you keep telling it to be quiet, and feeling like it's wrong. And you are in the company of somebody who makes you feel that you must keep it quiet.

That doesn't mean you are stupid or wimpy, it just means that so far, you haven't listened to your feelings. You can start now. It doesn't have to show, so you don't have to worry about 'making big changes' or anything. The way to start is to listen to what your anger is telling you. A good way to do it is to write it down. You can shred/burn it straight after - nobody has to see it. It just has to get out of your head and into the world (on a bit of paper on the table or something. It doesn't have to go far) When I did this, I had to buy a red felt tip pen, write in a lot of capitals, and underline a lot of things. I was VERY angry. But it was hugely soothing, because... well, you know how lovely it is when you tell a deep-down problem to a friend, and they fully understand, and they reassure you? And then you think the friend is such a lovely person, and they're wonderful, and you'd jump in front of a bullet for them? Well, you get that feeling about yourself, and that's the seed of self respect that grows the more you listen to that inner voice.

The more you write, the less you need the red pen. The more you open up to your own feelings, the core you, the less angry you become. The more you actively hear what that inner voice is telling you, the less people you will accept around you that make you feel like silencing it, because you will recognise that silencing that voice feels crap.

That's where you are now; silencing your voice, and feeling crap. That's why you've posted on a forum. So that your voice gets heard somewhere, and you can feel slightly less crap. Try to listen to the voice of your anger yourself, now. Stop insulting it. If it tells you to throw the TV out of the window because he's pissed you off by doing x or y, don't throw the TV out of the window, but recognise and respect the fact that his action has upset you enough that you want to throw tvs!. So that's a pretty high level of pissed off.

Learn to spend time with people who make you want to do things you like. Get rid of your 'He makes me want to throw TVs' people. Collect more 'He/she makes me want to send him/her funny puppy videos from YouTube' people, and 'That person makes me want to learn/try/take part in x or y healthy thing' people.

Don't try to alter your emotions to fit the needs of the people you choose. Choose the people who fit your emotions well, comfortably, productively, satisfyingly.

RAOK · 08/03/2021 07:36

If you leave, he can be free to get with a man/date men and you can go on to have the happy and fulfilling sex life you deserve with someone who desires you.

rulerbirds · 08/03/2021 08:50

Why do people think they’re old when they are in their 50s? You could have another 40 years of life in front of you. Get rid and get back out there

Eckhart · 08/03/2021 08:54

@rulerbirds

Why do people think they’re old when they are in their 50s? You could have another 40 years of life in front of you. Get rid and get back out there
I think this too. When you're 50, you have around 30 years of adult life behind you. And quite likely more than another 30 ahead.

In terms of being an adult, 50 is not even half way through for many of us.

xxdriftwoodxx · 08/03/2021 22:13

Eckhart
Thank you 🙏
You sussed me out very well and I will be true to myself
Thankyou for your words and I will try the book with a red felt pen

OP posts:
xxdriftwoodxx · 06/04/2021 22:01

So I am moving out but in a heated discussion my partner pointed out that last week he had made a move on me and I had pushed him away!
His argument is he has tried to engage in sex with me but I dismissed him🙈
The only recollection for me was he placed his hand on my boob as I was falling asleep, thinking it was a mistake .
He feels I am being unfair moving out as he is making and effort for us..... I’m seeing a man making the moves but coldly and practicall y🙈🐣🙏🤗

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/04/2021 17:35

Talk about him being in denial and lying!

merryhouse · 08/04/2021 18:54

You're looking at this all wrong.

You don't owe this man a relationship. (Either a real one or a beardy one)

I mean, it's not even as if you had a lovely marriage and then things went a bit odd with him and you're giving up and abandoning everything. It's a relatively brief partnership which has never worked properly and involved no promises.

Why did you think you had no right to walk away just because you'd already left your husband? Did you feel you were damaged goods and had to be grateful for whoever would take you on?

Here's the thing: even if you were damaged goods you aren't obliged to stay with someone who doesn't make you happy. Even if he's tried really hard.

You are allowed to be by yourself. You are allowed to decide yourself. You are allowed to be.

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