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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I losing my mind

63 replies

xxdriftwoodxx · 04/03/2021 23:51

My partner and I haven’t had sex for around 5 years, he wasn’t very interested before then.
He says he hasn’t any interest in sec. this was difficult for me and ate away at me.
A few months ago I walked into the bathroom while he was having a shower and he was in the throes of masturbating ..... I know this is healthy and normal but I was so angry that I haven’t really spoken to him since and I am preparing to leave him.
I guess I am feeling selfish and petty to leave under these circumstances , but I feel his lack of interest in me is hurtful and soul destroying especially now I know he prefers sorting himself out.
I am so angry I’ve wasted the past years with him

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 06/03/2021 10:15

I think the best plan is to leave. Don't give a second thought to why he wanks or what he does/ doesn't think about when he wanks. Who cares if he's gay, asexual or a vegetable. He doesn't make you happy. You get nothing out of the relationship. Just go. You'll be far happier on your own with the excitement of all the possibilities life could bring. Think of how your future could be! Open to everything that comes your way or stuck with the same sad wanking old man in the shower. I know what I'd prefer.

Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 06/03/2021 11:05

He hasn’t been interested in me sexually at all ............., though not long after we met I realised he was seeing men for oral sex .
That had been going on for a few years.
We went to counselling , as he said he wasn’t gay, which I believe,

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 06/03/2021 11:12

He’s obviously gay!!

Karwomannghia · 06/03/2021 11:14

People do lie / deny. Actions speak louder than words. If you want a sexual relationship this isn’t it. Leave and find someone else or maybe talk about seeing other people.

RandomMess · 06/03/2021 11:19

OMG of course he is gay!!!

Kelly345 · 06/03/2021 11:25

He could be bisexual but honestly OP, men don't meet other men to get sucked off because they are 100% heterosexual. He probably just td you what you wanted to hear.

category12 · 06/03/2021 11:41

Seriously?

Anordinarymum · 06/03/2021 11:49

OP. Your bloke is gay. You need a reality check and I mean this kindly

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 06/03/2021 11:52

Aw he is most definitely gay! Its not you - its definitely him!
You can stay friends?
You could have sexual relations with men too but agree to live together as friends?
Or leave and find someone else.
Being gay is not his choice
What you do with your life really is your choice.

xxx

Newfor2021 · 06/03/2021 11:53

Woahhh massive drip feed there!! Shock

Yes he’s gay and is literally just using you as he’s too scared to come out.
LTB - why wouldn’t you?

DinosaurDiana · 06/03/2021 11:56

He’s gay.
Move on.

Opentooffers · 06/03/2021 11:59

Its his problem entirely, always was, you can now choose, as you always could, to not make it yours.
Counseling might help you work out why you are so desperate to be loved, that you will dismiss some extreme behaviour from a man. Most people would of stopped this at first discovery of what he did with other men, but you have stuck with it for years after.
Being gay is not personal to you, he was born that way. Neither him nor you have accepted him being gay, but he is, it's that simple, the sooner you realise this, the better, you could never turn him, it doesn't work like that and what you have done is spent 5 years trying to, didn't work unsurprisingly. Don't waste more time.

AnyFucker · 06/03/2021 11:59

Of course he is gay Confused

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 06/03/2021 12:20

Oh dear OP your latest post makes it very clear he's gay Hmm

Just leave.

AnyFucker · 06/03/2021 12:20

I am sorry, op. Searching your previous threads tells the story. You know in your heart of hearts that your husband is gay. I can’t imagine the mental gymnastics you have contorted yourself into to enable yourself to stay.

Enough, now.

Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 06/03/2021 12:29

We did go to counselling together, it was looked at as sex addiction, that he liked the excitement of the danger and the chase.
After counselling he hasn’t returned to the sites to meet people again. I know that sounds naive but there is a difference in him compared to then.
I stayed because I thought we could make a relationship without the sex but I now feel I can’t carry on with the day to day feelings of being near him. I’m being so horrible to him because of my feelings inside of me
I’m
Finding I am repulsed by him, if he tries to hold my hand or be nice I can’t bare him being near me.

OP posts:
Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 06/03/2021 12:32

I guess
I honestly thought I could get through this and be tolerant but I can’t any more,
I felt selfish I guess by standing up to what I felt inside .

OP posts:
Kelly345 · 06/03/2021 12:37

For goodness sake. You started this thread under the premise of being offended that he had a Tommy tank without asking you. He's been having oral sex with men for years & you thought counselling would iron that one out? He's either Bi or Gay but here is the reality - heterosexual me don't suck other mens penises for years because they are straight. Let me explain something, you know the way you feel about the thought of having sex with another woman? The way it turns your stomach a bit? Well that's the way gay men feel about having sex with a woman. That's why he has no desire to have sex with you. He fancies men. Sorry to be so blunt but you need a reality check. You can't talk gay men out of being attracted to other men through counselling as much as some 'faiths' might tell you otherwise. You need to go and find another man who is sexually attracted to women and let him carry on doing what he's done for years. There's no happy family in this for you.

fuckenay · 06/03/2021 12:38

He doesn't want sex with you because he's gay! He might have stopped hooking up but he hasn't stopped being gay.

Jesus that was a fucking drip feed.

Kelly345 · 06/03/2021 12:45

Sex addicts still have a sexual preference and a sexuality. Maybe you should name and shame the counsellor who tried to suppress this as something completely different. Don't take it too harshly but if he is indeed gay then he may secretly feel just as repulsed at the thought of sexual intimacy with you. Rather than destroying each other over something neither of you can ever change, you both need to end this and free each other to move on. He's not going to fancy you because he fancies men and no counselling will change that.

meganiris1922 · 06/03/2021 12:53

@Kelly345

Focusing on the fact he was wanking might be missing the real issue here. You say sex was always an issue after all. Have you not indulged in maturation at all in all the years you've had no sexual intimacy?
This is totally defeating everything she has said ! Of course she has ! She's the bloody one who wants sex ! He doesn't .!says he's got no sexual desires so why the hell is he bashing one out ! When he should be sleeping with his wife ! Fuck me god help If a women gets pissed of about any issues with men wanking when they don't sleep with their partners it prefere porn . We are made out to be mental and controlling ! If I was the op it would be enough from me to walk away
Original poster
xxdriftwoodxx · 06/03/2021 12:56

Sorry
I guess I have been trying to look at this from different angles, to justify my guilt I guess of deciding I can’t stay anymore.

I think I chose to start with the simpler example of finding him sorting himself out in the shower because I heard him and that really angered me.

Collectively I know I seem stupid , but in reality it’s always difficult to walk away.

In this instant , I suppose I was looking for permission , which again is stupid .

I think I asked for feedback as my pattern of relating is to numb my feelings when something isn’t right.... the finding him in the bathroom somehow did stir up feelings of anger because it was something that I witnessed and no story could change what I saw .
I needed to hold on to that as real to give myself permission to leave.

Him seeing people , I guess my brain couldn’t comprehend so it was easier to deny the reality and accept his side .

Thanks for your patience in letting me discuss this here in my bit by bit way.

Thank you for your comments

OP posts:
meganiris1922 · 06/03/2021 12:57

@xxdriftwoodxx

He hasn’t been interested in me sexually at all ............., though not long after we met I realised he was seeing men for oral sex . That had been going on for a few years. We went to counselling , as he said he wasn’t gay, which I believe,
Op I'm so sorry but he is gay . He's in denial for some reason and so are you . I feel so sorry for you op ❤️. I think why you are putting up with all this shit is because you met him way too soon after what your ex husband did to you and your confidence was and still is at an all time low . You think you can't do better and no one will want you ect ect but they will ! You deserve better ! Get out of there please
RantyAnty · 06/03/2021 13:23

It's good you posted to get it out.

And yes, he is gay.

It really is ok to leave him.

LifeExperience · 06/03/2021 13:40

He's gay. Leave him and go have your life.

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