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Original poster

How do you feel about your DP watching porn when you’re around?

88 replies

Mandofan · 04/03/2021 17:25

I’ve nc for this. So I guess you could say I ‘caught’ my dp earlier. Needed the bathroom and he looked sheepish when he came out with his iPad. Asked why he has it as he never takes it with him and I’m not an idiot. He initially said he was checking emails then admitted he was ‘about to have a tug’ ugh. I don’t know why but it’s really upset me. I know he watches it when I’m not around and I’m fine with that I guess. But him watching it when I’m in the next room has left me feeling like shit and I’m not entirely sure why? I told him I found it disrespectful. Am I overreacting? How do others feel about their partners watching porn when they’re around?

OP posts:
noblegreenk · 05/03/2021 08:23

Completely agree with you. I masturbate myself and don't have an issue with him doing the same. Difference is that I'm discreet and don't leave blatant evidence lying around afterwards!

Pissoff2020 · 05/03/2021 10:07

Everyone masturbates and most men use visual aids. It’s out there, of course they’re going to look at it. It makes me laugh how many people say their OH doesn’t look at porn, you only have to view the stats to know that a good proportion of those women are wrong. Sometimes you don’t want sex, you just want a quick wank. If your sex life is good and you’re relationship is happy, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

Pissoff2020 · 05/03/2021 10:08

*your

Countingthebeat · 05/03/2021 10:23

@Pissoff2020

Everyone masturbates and most men use visual aids. It’s out there, of course they’re going to look at it. It makes me laugh how many people say their OH doesn’t look at porn, you only have to view the stats to know that a good proportion of those women are wrong. Sometimes you don’t want sex, you just want a quick wank. If your sex life is good and you’re relationship is happy, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
No different to saying ‘ everyone wants emotional connection and most women use male ‘friends ‘ to meet that need ...guys willing to be your wife’s emotional intimacy connection are out there so don’t be surprised when women use them Funny is t it how everyone goes on about men’s ‘ visual needs and say oh women don’t understand cause they are more ‘ emotional Well I guess then there should be no problem with women getting close to men online so long as there’s no touching or meeting in real life Strange though ... I don’t see many men being cool with that
daisychain01 · 05/03/2021 10:35

It's many kinds of wrong, OP, not least of all because you don't feel right about it. It will affect the way he will act towards you as he'll be used to the onscreen version and be expecting you to "perform" like that, because what's the difference?

Porn is addictive, it's like junk food, easy to consume, there when you need it but he'll keep needing to go back for more, the RW alternative won't be enough.

Are you really sure you don't mind if he views porn in front of you, or do you just put up with it because you don't have a choice? There's a big difference, and the compromise will always be what you have to make, not him.

LucieStar · 05/03/2021 10:49

I would take a very dim view of a man who tried to police when I masturbated and told me he didn’t want me doing it in private if he was in the house.

This. Wouldn't bother me and equally he doesn't get worked up about my own masturbation habits either. But we do have a very fulfilling sex life so it's not replacing sex in any way for either of us - I'd feel very differently if he wasn't having sex with me but instead watching porn and masturbating.

Original poster
Mandofan · 05/03/2021 11:11

Thanks for the responses. Maybe I have been a tad controlling. He’s apologised and I’ve explained that I felt a bit hurt. He said he was in the mood but didn’t want to wake me so had a tactical wank since we were going to have sex later. Our sex life is good and he says if given the option between porn and sex with me he’d pick sex so I’m guessing it’s not a big deal. I guess I just felt weird about him watching it when I was around but to be fair I was asleep so I see where he’s coming from

OP posts:
barm87 · 05/03/2021 11:14

@Pissoff2020

Three porn sites are in the top 10 of all viewed sites every month so you are probably mostly right.

Those three sites alone get 8bn views a month. When all other sites are added it’s probably well over 10bn.

Bearing in mind there are only around 4bn males in the world, some of who have no internet or restrictions in place and some of who are young children and very old men, that’s an awful lot of porn being watched if it’s only a minority that do it.

coronaway · 05/03/2021 13:40

@barm87 that puts it in perspective! Shock

sociallydistained · 05/03/2021 13:45

I feel like I’d ditch my fella. I know that’s extreme but ugh.

Naunet · 05/03/2021 14:43

Men are visually stimulated

Why do people still trot this shite out? No, ALL humans are visual creatures, it’s our primary sense, men aren’t some different species to women Hmm. I honestly wonder how OK most men would be if their female partners were wanking off over men with big dicks and good bodies whilst they were in the house. Not many I imagine.

Swordfish1 · 05/03/2021 14:52

Oh here we go . As far as I know young women in cheap nail salons and fast fashion clothes arbt in hospital having their anus repaired or being trafficked
The same old allegations of ‘jealousy ‘ from someone who is ignorant or just doesn’t care less about the exploitation so long as they get off
So please tell me how much you know about the porn industry having to remove literally mass amounts of videos due to illegal material ... and you compare that to working in a cheap salon
I won’t engage with you any further because I’ve seen enough of how posters like yourselves who have zero idea of care about what is going on in that industry try and skirt around it and compare child sexual abuse , images of women being raped that are online etc to totally ridiculously uncomparible things
I love the old ‘ oh they are clutching their pearls ‘ omg get with it / if anyone is a prudish pearl clutcher it’s a person who thinks the exploitation of women and girls is fine and that we are living in the 1600s just with better technology lol
Go to enough.org go read the stats, go read the research down on the industry , put away YOUR pearls , get off your doormat and stop telling women they should be fine with this rubbish if they see through it

Perfectly said.

Swordfish1 · 05/03/2021 14:55

I despise porn.

If I caught my dp watching it, having a wank to it, whatever, he would no longer be my dp.
If he can 'get off on' watching the humiliation and exploitation of women, then he is certainly not someone I want in my life.

coronaway · 05/03/2021 15:06

The problem is what if everything else in the relationship is great? Is it worth splitting up over it? Breaking the marriage up and all the problems that go with that?

It puts women in an uncomfortable position.

yetmorecrap · 05/03/2021 15:21

That’s the biggie isn’t it @coronaway- I can imagine people would think I was massively over reacting if I said I was leaving because of constant secretive porn - not that what people think should matter I know.

ForeverDiamond · 05/03/2021 15:48

When men are sex-starved and out of a relationship I can understand occasional use.

Even if personally I find it startling what men look at myself , as I find all human genitalia ugly.

But when in a relationship I’d find it pretty ick and disrespectful.

Men who have a “full on” pro-porn outlook are usually quite weird and creepy and also rubbish in bed. Shudders.

User454876584 · 05/03/2021 16:18

That’s the biggie isn’t it @coronaway- I can imagine people would think I was massively over reacting if I said I was leaving because of constant secretive porn - not that what people think should matter I know.

This is what I'm faced with especially as there are dcs. The problem is it has made me reflect on other dissatisfactions within our relationship and to look at my relationship honestly whereas before I was sort of getting on with things I think. I am also in the midst of the perimenopause and this isn't helping either...it's like my rose tinted spectacles have well and truly come off and I don't like what I see. I'm living in limbo now and probably will do for quite some time. I feel shattered. Nobody in real life knows how bad things are (I feel unable to discuss it with the couple of friends I do have). I am waiting for face to face therapy to begin so that I can at least put it somewhere...this thing about it being not so bad keeps coming around but I can't seem to move past it. Husband is not sorry about it...he's sorry he's got caught. He assure me it was an occasional thing...but it doesn't make me feel much better (and there again I feel I am over-reacting because he's not a porn-addict).

Silenceisgolden20 · 05/03/2021 17:32

Over reacting, controlling, insecure.....

All the words used to dismiss women's feelings on porn.

OP don't dismiss your feelings on this.

Hmm
Timeisavirtue · 05/03/2021 17:41

I don’t mind, I’d be a bit miffed if he lied about it though. My DP knows I don’t mind so generally he doesn’t hide it. He usually does it at night though.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 05/03/2021 17:46

honestly wonder how OK most men would be if their female partners were wanking off over men with big dicks and good bodies whilst they were in the house. Not many I imagine

Every single man I've asked about this has belly laughed at the suggestion, and made it clear they couldn't give a shiny shite, because they're grown adults who are perfectly capable of discerning reality from fantasy, understand that people masturbate and fantasies, and aren't ridiculously paranoid, controlling, jealous, or neurotic.

May17th · 05/03/2021 17:53

The thing is this why some men Lie and say they don’t masturbate. It doesn’t sound as though the the door was wide open. I think it’s up to him personally I would not take it to heart!

Devlesko · 05/03/2021 17:55

I couldn't cope with the secrecy or a man not being honest about it.
We watch together, but not the modern stuff, it's rubbish anyway.

Silenceisgolden20 · 05/03/2021 17:58

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

honestly wonder how OK most men would be if their female partners were wanking off over men with big dicks and good bodies whilst they were in the house. Not many I imagine

Every single man I've asked about this has belly laughed at the suggestion, and made it clear they couldn't give a shiny shite, because they're grown adults who are perfectly capable of discerning reality from fantasy, understand that people masturbate and fantasies, and aren't ridiculously paranoid, controlling, jealous, or neurotic.

Oh so every single man you've spoken to must mean the entire male population then.

Let's add jealousy, neurotic, and paranoid to the list as well to dismiss womens feelings.

Must be the women's fault and their feelings at fault. Of course.

User454876584 · 05/03/2021 18:08

*Oh so every single man you've spoken to must mean the entire male population then.

Let's add jealousy, neurotic, and paranoid to the list as well to dismiss womens feelings.

Must be the women's fault and their feelings at fault. Of course.*

This is how I feel. A poster comes along and 'normalises' porn...like every man watches it. I'm not sure what's the truth is anymore.

SimonJT · 05/03/2021 18:12

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

honestly wonder how OK most men would be if their female partners were wanking off over men with big dicks and good bodies whilst they were in the house. Not many I imagine

Every single man I've asked about this has belly laughed at the suggestion, and made it clear they couldn't give a shiny shite, because they're grown adults who are perfectly capable of discerning reality from fantasy, understand that people masturbate and fantasies, and aren't ridiculously paranoid, controlling, jealous, or neurotic.

My partner watches porn with people with a much bigger penis than mine and much better bodies. But it would be weird to equate that to all men or to ask every man I know about porn, do people really ask their male friends/relatives/colleagues about porn?