How do you feel about your DP watching porn when you’re around?

[Mandofan]

I’ve nc for this. So I guess you could say I ‘caught’ my dp earlier. Needed the bathroom and he looked sheepish when he came out with his iPad. Asked why he has it as he never takes it with him and I’m not an idiot. He initially said he was checking emails then admitted he was ‘about to have a tug’ ugh. I don’t know why but it’s really upset me. I know he watches it when I’m not around and I’m fine with that I guess. But him watching it when I’m in the next room has left me feeling like shit and I’m not entirely sure why? I told him I found it disrespectful. Am I overreacting? How do others feel about their partners watching porn when they’re around?

I'd find it disgusting.
YANBU.

@yetmorecrap - a totally legit preference. In these cases the issue would be the dishonesty of doing something you'd both agreed wasn't ok within your relationship. I have similar rules about crocs.

What is your sex life like normally?

It's gross.
So little self control and to be so focused on their dick so much.

@rainbowmash

To those clutching their pearls about the "abused and exploited women" in "all porn", do you get this worked up about cheap nail salons and fast fashion clothes? Or do you just care about exploited women when your husband thinks they're more attractive than you? I performed in adult videos for years - the only time I've felt abused and exploited by men was in minimum-wage retail jobs. You can pursue a smut-free life and care about women without being sanctimonious.

On the flipside, for those saying "it's just a wank", I think OP has a right to feel upset that her dp is being dishonest and might be developing values about sex and secrecy that she doesn't share.

Time to have a conversation about authenticity and, if it comes to it, supporting good quality independent artists!

Oh here we go . As far as I know young women in cheap nail salons and fast fashion clothes arbt in hospital having their anus repaired or being trafficked The same old allegations of ‘jealousy ‘ from someone who is ignorant or just doesn’t care less about the exploitation so long as they get off So please tell me how much you know about the porn industry having to remove literally mass amounts of videos due to illegal material ... and you compare that to working in a cheap salon I won’t engage with you any further because I’ve seen enough of how posters like yourselves who have zero idea of care about what is going on in that industry try and skirt around it and compare child sexual abuse , images of women being raped that are online etc to totally ridiculously uncomparible things I love the old ‘ oh they are clutching their pearls ‘ omg get with it / if anyone is a prudish pearl clutcher it’s a person who thinks the exploitation of women and girls is fine and that we are living in the 1600s just with better technology lol Go to enough.org go read the stats, go read the research down on the industry , put away YOUR pearls , get off your doormat and stop telling women they should be fine with this rubbish if they see through it

@rainbowmash
To those clutching their pearls about the "abused and exploited women" in "all porn", do you get this worked up about cheap nail salons and fast fashion clothes?

Nice comment. Yes I would also be bothered about women being exploited in other environments. So do you get to decide what other women should and shouldn't be bothered about because you're in the tiny minority of sex workers who haven't felt abused?

@mediumduboir it’s usually good. Around 2-3 times a week usually. Nothing so far this week as I’ve started an antidepressant and I’m still adjusting to the side effects

Porn aside (since that doesn't bother you), could it have been a tactical tug so he could last longer for the sex you planned?

Yeah. It was probably a tactical tug OP. He's done you a favour really 😉

It wouldn't bother me at all. Can you try to pinpoint the part that's upsetting you? Was it the porn or just masturbating in general?

If you don't want him to do it while you're awake in the house, and you don't want him to do it while you're sleeping... when can he? Do you want him to not masturbate at all?

Yes he said since I was too tired for sex last night he wanted to masturbate earlier so he’d last longer tonight. I think it’s because he’s looking at other women in a sexual way. I’d just rather not be around when it’s happening. My mum is part of my bubble so I usually spend a couple of nights at hers so he does get the opportunity to do it when I’m not here. I’d never tell him not to masturbate at all

I wouldn't worry about him watching other women OP. Men are visually stimulated. He won't fall in love, he's just getting his rocks off. Perfectly healthy.

@Mandofan

I have to admit the thought of him watching it whilst I’m asleep makes me feel a bit sick. I just can’t pinpoint why I feel this way as I’m generally not insecure

Nothing to do with being insecure.

"Claiming jeaIousy (...) I won't engage with you any further"

Whatever. Your husband sure will.

Just kidding buddy. I totally respect your (and others') strong feelings on this complex and potentially upsetting subject. I am pretty well-read on the problematic aspects of the adult industry (I worked in law enforcement too, working closely with survival sex workers. I guess I've had a colourful career). I don't think all adult videos can be called exploitative just because many of a certain type are. Apologies if I made it sound like I put trafficked salon workers and overworked factory workers in the same category as people who were mistreated to make adult films. That's not true at all. I wanted to point out the fallacy of claiming an entire industry was undeserving of support throughout just because a prominent section of it caused harm.

I guess we've all got our own pearls to clutch, myself included.

Oh bless you OP, he’s pushing his luck here, hoping you wouldn’t walk in on him. I was going to say perhaps it was a tactical tug to last longer with you too, then I saw you said he said it was.

He gets his nights when you stay with your mum, just tell him you’re feeling really uncomfortable about it, and please to respect you by doing it whilst you’re out of the house.

I’m sure there are very few men with a smartphone who don’t watch porn. No matter what they tell you ladies!

@peak2021

If someone cannot use their imagination, wants to support the exploitation of young women and the normalisation of certain sexual practices that most women would not otherwise consider, that would be a deal breaker for me.

This. Watch Hot Girls Wanted. Porn is paid rape.

You originally said you were ok with porn but then mentioned him looking at other women in a sexual way was problematic.

Can you flesh this out a little more? It sounds like you're not actually comfortable with porn at all but are trying to reason with yourself that you are.

We have a policy of "first refusal" if we are both home. Porn is gross and disturbing, but most men don't seem to grasp that.

OH watches it and it doesn't bother me, he's always watched it but not as much these days.

@noblegreenk

A couple of years ago I was cooking Sunday lunch whilst our baby napped. My husband was in the living room. I decided to put some laundry on so went into our utility room and then was a sticky cum filled sock on the top of the dirty laundry pile. I asked him about it and he'd had a wank watching porn in the living room whilst I was cooking in the kitchen. I dont care that he watches porn but I didn't like that he'd done this whilst I was just pottering around in the other room.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

He sounds like a disrespectful prick.

Imaging cumming into a sock and putting it in the washing instead of cleaning yourself up like an actual adult.

Rank. Proper, proper grim that is.

Yeah that's true. The wank sock shit is disrespectful.

I would struggle with my DH doing this in my presence because when I was a young teenager my father used to watch hardcore pornographic VHS tapes in the living room (he had a bin liner full of tapes) and I was so intimidated that I just lived upstairs in my room.

@WouldstrokeTomHardy

Yeah that's true. The wank sock shit is disrespectful.

Isn't it just.

Not only will I want while you cook for me, I expect you to clean it up too.

Aaaaargh grim, gross, rank.

Entitled as fuck.

My partner claims he doesn’t masturbate at all now he is with me, even when he is working away. I don’t know if this is entirely true and obviously wouldn’t care in the least if it turns out he does. If he did it while I was in the house, I might be vaguely disappointed he hadn’t asked me to join in, but that’s about all.....

The porn however I would object to. But that’s because I object to porn. And he claims to too, and our shared values on this and other feminist matters are one of the many things I value about the relationship. It wouldn’t be LTB territory, but I’d be disappointed in him, yes.

If you and your partner don’t object to the porn industry, OP, I don’t think this incident is a massive deal? 🤷‍♀️

@Mandofan

Like *@noblegreenk* I don’t have an issue with porn per se it’s the doing it whilst I’m in close proximity. It just feels off to me. And to a pp I’m not trying to police his masturbation as I’ve never said he can’t masturbate. I do it myself so I’d be a hypocrite if I said that

I didn’t say you were trying to police his masturbation, I said you were trying to police when he masturbates. Which you are. You don’t want him doing it when you’re awake, nor when you’re asleep, but you’re happy for him to do it when you’re at your mother’s. That’s quite controlling and I can only imagine the outrage here if a female poster said her partner only wanted her to masturbate when he was not in the house.