Sex and resentment

[Glassempty]

I think I need a bit of help unpicking something I've realised recently and am after some objective views. DH and I have longstanding issues with sex, we both brought baggage from bad past experiences and unfortunately I think we've sort of made each other worse over the years, resulting in the whole subject becoming something of a battleground. Over the last year or so we've been working really hard to try to improve things and it's been much better, communication has improved massively and we've made more progress than I ever thought we would.

Our problems have centred around insecurity/lack of confidence and zero communication leading to long dry spells and both of us feeling rejected and unwanted by the other with lots of resentment building up on both sides. Sex is much more frequent now so things feel better between us but I still feel like that cycle of resentment is there on a smaller scale.

What's happening sounds petty, and I'm prepared to be told it is and that it's me 'at fault'. DH showers in the morning, he works a physical job in a fairly dirty environment and knows if he wants sex during the week I'd prefer him to grab another quick shower before bed. I don't think that's unreasonable but he literally never does it, although will still cuddle up to me in bed and see if he gets a response so it's not that he's too tired for sex, he just can't be arsed to shower. Then the weekend comes, he showers at night instead then and I know he gets into bed with the hope/expectation of sex because (in his head) he's done what I've asked. But by then I've built up a weeks' worth of resentment because I would've liked sex midweek and feel like he can't be arsed so I don't feel in the least bit inclined to shag him just because he's deigned to shower for the occasion. It feels like it's 'expected' too, which turns me off quicker than anything.

I've only just realised that I do resent him not showering in the week, I'm always disappointed but I've excused it as him being tired up til now. But I do resent it, that I'm expected to 'fall in line' at the weekend when my needs are being ignored all week. He's definitely not too tired because occasionally I will overlook the lack of shower (out of sheer desperation!) and he never says no.

I will be speaking to him about it, I just need to be clear in my own mind before I do. I can see I'm falling into old patterns of poor communication causing resentment but is a 5 minute shower really that big an ask? Is it really fair that I never get to choose when I would like sex, that it always has to be the weekend unless I compromise on the shower? And am I wrong to feel a bit hurt by his (in my eyes) lack of effort? Sorry it's long

You are in the right.

It's simple - if he showers you might have sex. If he doesn't you won't have sex will have and resent him. Does he want this situation to continue? Hie could this be resolved?

Do you have kids together? Are you planning any? Have you been together long?

Good luck.

won't have sex "or* will have and resent him

I feel a bit like this when my DP turns up at my house without having shaved or showered - it’s a bit like saying he can’t be arsed to make the effort for me, and then I end up not making an effort to be attractive to him either. When he turns up shaved and smelling delicious and I’ve done my hair and make up we both feel a lot more amorous towards each other.

He used to get annoyed about it when I pulled him up on it - eg. he’d bike over and arrive all sweaty and worn out, slump on the sofa and then the evening would pass by with me feeling irritated that he hadn’t shaved, so kissing him would be really uncomfortable and no shower, so he smelled sweaty and made the sofa damp! so by the time bedtime came I’d already be turned off him. But if I asked him to sort it out before that he’d huff about it like it was a huge deal and say he’ll do it later (bed time). By which time it was too late for me as I’ve had a whole evening with no kissing or cuddling up on the sofa.

These days he realises that it makes me feel like he’s not interested in getting close to me if he doesn’t present himself in a way that makes it comfortable to do that. So if he hasn’t had time to shave he’ll go straight up and do it when he arrives. And if he bikes over he realises that he needs to shower before he gets comfortable!

And he knows for definite that he’s not getting sex if he hasn’t at least had a shower earlier in the day and a sink wash before bed. In fact I have two pertinent sayings on this matter -

“There’s no pheromones in knob cheese”

And “a lunchtime shower doth not a blow job make”.

It’s just good manners.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble - And “a lunchtime shower doth not a blow job make”. - that made me crease!

OP - yes, you need to tell him that he needs to shower every day, not leave it til just before bed either. It's just basic hygiene, let alone a prelude to sex! I'd feel resentful in your situation too.

The lunchtime shower comment is gold, I shall look forward to using that at the very first opportunity That's the other thing, it feels like he limits (or maybe even controls?) the kind of sex we can have. He knows I might overlook a days worth of sweat for a quickie but not for oral, but I like oral so it's another way I feel I'm not getting what I want/need.

The worst bit of it all is that I'm expected to still be up for it on Saturday after a week of disappointment, which I obviously rarely am, but then I kind of have to get over it by Sunday (when he will also shower at night) or I know I've lost my chance for the week and then we're back to frustrated and mutually resentful. He's been great at meeting me halfway on everything else we've changed for the better but this seems to be a sticking point.

It's not supposed to be this complicated, you are both turning a simple thing into a bit of a mind fuck. People on Mumsnet validating the shower thing will not get an open line of communication here. It's causing problems , talk about it with your DH.

And I actually think you sound a bit controlling with sex (not wanting to on a Saturday because you feel frustrated, only wanting to on Sunday because you might not get any more) , and if you say he is as well.... Maybe some counselling might be in order because this is sounding dysfunctional and a bit toxic.

It always has been dysfunctional Freya, if I tried to give you all the background we'd be here all night but suffice to say this is the least toxic it's ever been between us and we've been together a really long time. This seems to be the last vestige of the battle of wills our sex life became and I'm trying to understand it and therefore fix it.

We've waited a long time for sex to be something that made us happy instead of the root of all our problems, which is why I want to be clear about what's happening in my own mind before I broach it with DH. More than happy to accept I'm being controlling, I do struggle with not feeling in control where sex is concerned, I think due to being raped when I was 13. I was also in a coercive relationship before DH so feeling manipulated or controlled tends to make me dig my heels in, which I think is what happens on Saturdays because I feel like it's on his terms.

Can't you just tell him that a shower has to be the pre-bed routine every night, sex or not? It's five minutes out of his say ffs. Are you not worth that minor effort?

Who wants to be in the same bed with someone unwashed regardless of the activity? It's basic respect for you.

Do you have a spare bedroom?

He does shower in the morning PerveenMistry so he's not completely manky but yes, that's the crux of it, it does feel like a pretty minor effort to make if he wants things to improve as much as he says he does.

I obviously need to speak to him, I just want to be able to get into bed at night and not feel there's a barrier to us having sex if we feel like it, rather than it being 'expected' because it's Saturday and he's bothered to get a shower. Am I wrong for finding the Saturday thing a real turn off? It's like I'm supposed to be grateful he's made the effort once in a week and then he's upset/offended if I'm not interested.

It actually feels like it's him being controlling rather than me, like I'm not allowed sex when I fancy it, only when he decides to make the (very basic imo) effort to be clean, or can persuade me to do it even though he's not. It feels like it's all on his terms to me, which is exactly the feeling I wanted to unpick before I speak to him so I'm clear about what the problem actually is. Everything goes deeper than just the obvious issue with us, the dynamic has been so fucked up over the years I do wonder if it's just not fixable.

You don't need to unpick anything. You know the situation isside out. But responding to me the way you did was manipulative. I have been abused and I had a lot of counselling and I spot manipulation a mile off, and I don't like it. You obviously aren't okay about being called out as controlling as you said.

You need to talk to your partner. Your wish for him to be clean is more than reasonable, you turning him into a controlling figure based on his bathing habits is not.

And what you say about " I'm not allowed to have when I fancy it". Sex is never a right. It involves the consent of every person involved. Do you have any idea of how wrong that comment is?

"I'm not allowed to have sex when I fancy it"

I genuinely don't understand how my reply to you was manipulative? I was explaining that my past means I struggle with not feeling I have agency over my own sexual choices, I accept that that makes me, to some degree, controlling where sex is concerned. I also have issues with being controlled/manipulated so the fact that DH will only 'facilitate' sex (by being clean) when he chooses feels controlling from his side. There is obviously fault on both sides in different ways but I've already pointed out this is a dysfunctional relationship which we're trying to improve, it's far from perfect at this stage.

As far as the consent thing goes you have completely misinterpreted what I said, I'm not saying DH should have sex when he doesn't want to, the issue is that he often does want to but can't be bothered to shower first when he knows it's pretty much a prerequisite for me. The comment about having sex when I wanted to refers to the fact that he's essentially limiting us to weekends, meaning I am 'expected' to want sex on those days only. We've both agreed to make more effort to have sex more often so it feels like the pressure is on to do it at the weekends (on his terms) or we're likely to slip back to dry spells and resentment, but what if I don't feel like it on Saturday? Do I have to have sex I don't really want at that time? Surely a healthy sex life involves both partners needs being met and preferences considered, within reason of course?

Seems you say saying
I want sex so you must go and have a shower.
Which isnt great.

However If he wants sex as well I dont know why he is being so stubborn and thats what you need go get to the bottom of.

It's like I'm supposed to be grateful he's made the effort once in a week and then he's upset/offended if I'm not interested

What form does this upset/ offence take?

There's obviously something going on here and I would perceive he is purposely being controlling about when and how you have sex. Is he controlling in other ways?

I would be turned off too by someone expecting sex after a shower.

Talk it through.
This sounds like a bit of a non-issue and I do get where you're coming from, it's just not a thing of either person being in the right.
Your ask is basically that he showers twice a day so that if you feel like it, you can have sex with him.
He might find that reasonable, he might not. The users of this site are always going to be majority on your side in a dispute like this, but that doesn't actually change the nature of your relationship.

He’s probably too tired after a hard physical day and probably not thinking about sex.
However going to bed without having a shower after a physical sweaty day is not on. You bed must stink.
Tell him to shower after work regardless of sec or no sex.
Maybe learn to be a bit more assertive.

I don't think that is quite what I'm saying Wherearemymarbles, it's more 'if we both get into bed clean there's no reason we can't have sex if we feel like it', I suppose I'd just like it be spontaneous rather than confined to weekends. And no, I don't understand the stubbornness either, over a 5 minute freshen up

Historically the upset/offence would take the form of sulking JamieFrasersAuntie, he pretty much made it into an Olympic sport tbh. He knows it isn't healthy or productive and I've made it clear I won't pander to it anymore so it's massively improved but still there to a minor degree and still gives me that dread feeling in the pit of my stomach if he seems to be heading that way.

I would say yes he is controlling in other areas, it's subtle but definitely there. It's not so much control over what I do/who I see etc, more that I'm not allowed to have a different opinion/approach to him about anything and if I do he punishes me with sulking and moods. I am pushing back more and more though and he knows it doesn't work anymore so I see it a lot less often these days.

And yes, it's like he wants rewarding for having clean bits, not sexy at all.

it feels like he limits (or maybe even controls?) the kind of sex we can have
I have come across men like this (or should that be not come🙄) they control things such that they get what they want ...but I don't
in my experience if people are controlling by nature they will use any avenue they can to exert control

My ultimate conclusion was that they regard sex as a service which women provide for men, they may not be conscious of this but this is how they behave so I have to assume that this is what is programmed into them

Man here. I work a dirty job and cannot wait to wash the day off when I get home. Literally cannot understand why one would shower in the morning to go to work and get dirty and sweaty and then want to sit in that and shudders get into bed all stinking. Why the hell doesnt he just switch his shower routine to after work if he gets dirty at work anyway?
It's not this way for me, but if his job is physically demanding could it be that he is just rarely in the mood during the week? Maybe hes not showering on purpose?
Maybe run him a bath for when he gets home, and then positively reinforce that action by having sex 😂

I wouldn't mind at all if he just showered once a day DedlyMedally, just pm instead of am! He's not covered in crap or anything Chimen, he works in logistics so in a dirty warehouse full of diesel fumes and gets that clammy sweaty smell when he's been running about in a cold environment. I do have to change the bed twice a week though or yes it does get a bit grim. He's not too tired though, he'd happily have sex most nights, he just wants to do it without the hassle of a shower first.

Sex aside, if he's doing a physical job in a fairly dirty environment he ought to be showering as soon as he gets home. He'd not be welcome on my sofa, let alone in my bed.

I get what you are saying op, I'm the person with the higher libido in my relationship and dp prefers morning sex so we have fallen into just having it on a Saturday morning as that's his preference and I get annoyed and frustrated that I'm not "allowed" to have it when I prefer too.
No advice really other than talk to him. Maybe not about the showering but about how you want it to be more spontaneous, not a weekend routine, and you like him clean.
Why can't he move his daily shower to when he gets in at night?

I don't get the MN obsession with multiple showers a day. It's not the norm in the vast majority of the world. Sex is dirty and if you are doing it right,gets sweaty! I would struggle to turn down sex due to a bit of man sweat but I have a very high libido which again doesn't seem the norm on here.

When my wife and I got together 40years or so ago we made a simple agreement if we ponged at any time we would simply point this out and neither or us would take offence. This still applies to this date and the problem about smelling bad before sex or anything else was and has been solved.

Hope this might help, good luck OP