Sex and resentment

[Glassempty]

I think I need a bit of help unpicking something I've realised recently and am after some objective views. DH and I have longstanding issues with sex, we both brought baggage from bad past experiences and unfortunately I think we've sort of made each other worse over the years, resulting in the whole subject becoming something of a battleground. Over the last year or so we've been working really hard to try to improve things and it's been much better, communication has improved massively and we've made more progress than I ever thought we would.

Our problems have centred around insecurity/lack of confidence and zero communication leading to long dry spells and both of us feeling rejected and unwanted by the other with lots of resentment building up on both sides. Sex is much more frequent now so things feel better between us but I still feel like that cycle of resentment is there on a smaller scale.

What's happening sounds petty, and I'm prepared to be told it is and that it's me 'at fault'. DH showers in the morning, he works a physical job in a fairly dirty environment and knows if he wants sex during the week I'd prefer him to grab another quick shower before bed. I don't think that's unreasonable but he literally never does it, although will still cuddle up to me in bed and see if he gets a response so it's not that he's too tired for sex, he just can't be arsed to shower. Then the weekend comes, he showers at night instead then and I know he gets into bed with the hope/expectation of sex because (in his head) he's done what I've asked. But by then I've built up a weeks' worth of resentment because I would've liked sex midweek and feel like he can't be arsed so I don't feel in the least bit inclined to shag him just because he's deigned to shower for the occasion. It feels like it's 'expected' too, which turns me off quicker than anything.

I've only just realised that I do resent him not showering in the week, I'm always disappointed but I've excused it as him being tired up til now. But I do resent it, that I'm expected to 'fall in line' at the weekend when my needs are being ignored all week. He's definitely not too tired because occasionally I will overlook the lack of shower (out of sheer desperation!) and he never says no.

I will be speaking to him about it, I just need to be clear in my own mind before I do. I can see I'm falling into old patterns of poor communication causing resentment but is a 5 minute shower really that big an ask? Is it really fair that I never get to choose when I would like sex, that it always has to be the weekend unless I compromise on the shower? And am I wrong to feel a bit hurt by his (in my eyes) lack of effort? Sorry it's long

I think you're right to some extent TheStoic, the phrase 'power struggle' keeps popping into my head as I'm thinking all this through if I'm honest. I think I do compromise though, I'd say we have sex when he hasn't showered on average about once a week but not once (ever) has he compromised and showered in the evening so we can have 'clean' sex. How many more compromises do you think I should make when there's nothing coming back?

@oil0W0lio

yes that's exactly how it feels/appears to me, he doesn't want to do it because I've asked him to I'm reading this as a case of: him Tarzan, you Jane Tarzan does as he pleases Jane does as she's told Tarzan does not take orders from Jane and his ego is so easily bruised that any request feels like being bossed about by a subordinate, which he will not tolerate

Lol. That might be true

I'm presuming you have already asked him why he showers in the morning during the week given the work he does and therefore would make more sense to shower when he gets home. What was his reply? Given that he has switched it around at the weekend i'm guessing the answer must be something along the lines of "I wouldn't feel right going into work without having showered in the morning/wouldn't feel clean". If that's the case that argument can be turned on it's head as to why it's unacceptable for him to expect you to have sex with him when dirty. On the bedding front please tell me you are not the one changing the bedding and washing it twice a week. Very few people would change bedding that often and if it's only happening in your house because he gets into bed dirty then that is another major issue. It sounds like many situations are he wins at the expense of you when it should be more equitable. Are you sure the relationship is worth continuing?

Are you sure the relationship is worth continuing?

I'm starting to wonder. As always it's complicated though, there would be plans I would need to put in place and that would take time. I suspect this won't be my last thread.

If he is refusing to shower just because you're asking him to, then that just speaks volumes.

I've met mostly men like that and they are usually immature. They see every woman as a variation of their mother, and when you ask them for anything, no matter how incredibly reasonable it is, no matter how nice you ask for it, you'll get a knee-jerk, emotionally defensive response because they frame everything in their heads as a power-grab, as you trying to make a fool of them, of you turning them into woman-whipped man......so naturally they won't budge on anything, will not compromise at all. On the inside, they are stamping their foot and shouting in little voices 'NO MUMMY NO!!'.

I remember one time a male housemate of mine (who NEVER took the bins out or did fuck all around the house) was asked by me to do just that. His face was taught and resentful that I had dared to ask him (because his mummy had done everything for him in his life until the age of 25). Instead of just getting it over and done with then and there (he wasn't busy), he waited until something like 2am - 4am before taking them out, picking a time that I wouldn't see them being taken out (but clearly did hear them as they were so loud). An ex colleague of mine told me that her boss at one place used to yawn and pretend his year was itchy when he didn't want to listen to her. Similar bullshit.

Many of these men have an issue with women generally, and definitely do not like having a female boss at work, or sometimes even colleagues. They like to think they are the king of the castle and will usually prefer women who don't ask them for much - they like their women to sit quietly in the corner and accept what they're given. If they do decide to be magnanimous, they will make a point of doing what you've requested hours after you asked it.

I hope I'm not right about that because those men are immature and just far too much hard work.

In case it wasn't obvious, I meant taking the bins out!

His answer when I've asked in the past TheTeenageYears is 'hmm, yes I could shower at night I suppose, I might start tomorrow though, knackered tonight', and then the next night if I ask if he's going up will be 'yeah, in a bit' and then he'll sit there til bedtime. It makes me feel like his mum to have to keep asking, so then of course I don't feel like shagging him anyway.

And yes it's me changing the sheets.

He's not obviously like that EarthSight but I do wonder underneath. I've had the feeling at various points over the years that he's not quite who he portrays himself to be but I can never really pinpoint why I feel that way.

The emotional 'no mummy no' response is spot on though, that's exactly how it seems to me, like a belligerent 14 year old who doesn't like being told what to do. It's telling that I used the phrase 'feel like his mum' in my crosspost with you!

He's definitely not too tired because occasionally I will overlook the lack of shower (out of sheer desperation!) and he never says no.

Basically he can keep trying it on without a shower, as sometimes it works. And he gets off on that, on getting you to do what you say you won't do.

It does sound like he's quite controlling. You seem to be saying that your relationship has improved from what it was, but maybe it's just got more subtle. Is it really worth sticking out?

This is very similar to a recent thread about a man running the woman a bath every night cos he apparantly wanted sex and her not wanting a bath. Most people said he was a control freak abusive bla bla bla strange how when reversed noone really says the same. I don't agree with that and not saying you are controlling just comparing I have no advice either sorry

And he gets off on that, on getting you to do what you say you won't do

I'm really afraid that might be true, because that will mean he really isn't who I think he is.

I remember that thread Stoppissingonmyheather and you're right, the replies were very different. The only thing I will say is that the OP in that thread didn't want the bath or the sex, in this case DH does want the sex, just not the shower first!

How many more compromises do you think I should make when there's nothing coming back?

I didn’t say I thought you should make any. I was asking a question.

It is a power struggle, as you’ve said. I personally wouldn’t be giving an inch in the examples you’ve given. But I would consider the marriage over, which you may not be ready for.

Could you maybe shower too? If I know I want sex that night and it hasn’t happened in the heat of the moment I just say to my DP “do you wanna shower first or shall I?” And he usually gets the hint that means sex 😂

That was he’s encouraged to have a shower because I’m up and out of bed showering/drying.

God it really shouldn’t be this hard, I’m sorry op but I don’t know why you’re trying to fix this relationship. I think it sounds doomed. You’re both digging your heels in on issues like a couple of stubborn children. I can’t imagine thinking my dh so dirty I couldn’t bear to have sex with him and vice versa, we’d never let that stop us having sex! Equally if I asked him to do something mutually beneficial I wouldn’t have to plead with him, he’d listen and do it and so would I if he asked. You’re punishing him at weekends because you need to feel in control, you need some help for that and this toxic relationship isn’t the place to get it. And he disregards your wishes in the week probably because he feels resentful that you think he’s so grubby he needs a wash. Sex is dirty and sweaty! Your relationship sounds awful and mentally exhausting. You say you’ve waited a long time for sex to not be an issue (or something to that effect) but it still is a huge bloody issue! I think you need to get help for your need to control.

He smells of diesel fumes and sweat and leaves a dirty imprint on the pillow where his heads been Prettybubblesintheair, maybe that wouldn't put you off but it would some people and I'm one of them, life would be boring if we all thought the same I guess

It's interesting that you think it's me with a need to control, I do feel like I need to be in control of myself and my decisions and boundaries but it feels more to me as though I'm kicking back against being controlled rather than trying to control DH. I've spent 20 years having my boundaries and opinions trampled down by him (without me even realising half the time) so it feels to me like I'm finally standing up for myself.

I don't disagree that it shouldn't be this hard though, I'm trying to change it as a last ditch attempt I suppose but there will come a point where I have to admit defeat, I know that.

I would struggle to turn down sex due to a bit of man sweat but I have a very high libido which again doesn't seem the norm on here.

I think the norm on here is probably higher standards than that tbf

"....then he'll sit there til bedtime. It makes me feel like his mum to have to keep asking, so then of course I don't feel like shagging him anyway.

And yes it's me changing the sheets."

Sounds grim. I couldn't be arsed. But then I could forgo sex no worries. If lack of sex is an issue then I think I would be tempted to say he was letting me down. If he said' I'm here, come get me' I'd say that the no shower is a barrier.

It seeks like he'd making intimacy difficult

"The only thing I will say is that the OP in that thread didn't want the bath or the sex, in this case DH does want the sex, just not the shower first!"

Those sound like totally different situations.

The OP is open to sex but he's being controlling of her and disrespecting her.

It seeks like he'd making intimacy difficult

That's what it feels like, which is a total headfuck when I've been told for years how badly the lack of sex/intimacy affects him. I completely lost my sex drive for quite a few years (babies/life/the pill/etc) so a lot of resentment built up on his side and obviously (in his mind) I was entirely responsible for the lack of sex. But now I'm off the pill, less busy and actually have a sex drive he seems to be creating obstacles. I do wonder if it's punishment/revenge for all the time I wasn't interested, which I could kind of understand, but it seems so counterproductive when we're (supposed to be) trying to improve things.

Italiangreyhound or is she controlling him by refusing sex unless he showers? Arguments go both ways but to be fair if he does a manual job and is filthy smelly and leaves marks on the beds where he is so dirty he is being revolting and should shower every night as soon as he gets home all that filth and muck in your bed yuk

all that filth and muck in your bed yuk

Exactly, it doesn't feel like I'm being controlling by asking him to shower, it's just basic hygiene and respect for me in my eyes. Can I ask why you still think I'm controlling if you can see that it's gross he gets into bed like that?

If you read my previous post you will see I said I don't think anyone is being controlling but if you look at it logically from the outside you could take the view that either one of you are being controlling. Mumsnet is bloody obsessed with controlling gaslighting narcissistic abuse misogyny bla bla bla. Honestly if he is as dirty n smelly as you say I think you just have to insist he has a wash because quite frankly that is not normal behaviour tell him all the sheets are stained he has to buy new ones (every week) you are suddenly allergic to diesel and can't breathe cos of the fumes etc etc that or he sleeps on a plastic sheet in the garden

Stoppissingonmyheather

"Italiangreyhound or is she controlling him by refusing sex unless he showers? Arguments go both ways..."

This one doesn't. At least not to me. Refusing to have sex is a right. Not a power trip. If the OP has s standard and wants it stuck to that is her boundary. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. She can also leave.

But expecting the person you sleep with to be clean is not controlling. It"s a standard.

Agree with your second part. Sex with a physically dirty man doesn't appeal to most women, I think. If it does, great, but if not that is a boundary not a control.

The fact that our boundaries do exert some restrictions on others' behaviour is the nature of boundaries and what it means to work with others.

Take sex out of the equation, he gets in to bed so dirty that you have to change the sheets twice a week (and if I'm honest, if it was me it would be daily)

DP goes to the gym (obviously not atm) and sex on the agenda or not I would expect him to shower before coming to bed. It's basic hygiene.

I feel like the sex element is almost a red herring here... if he doesn't want it during the week then that's fine but he's at least not coming to bed humming, which would in turn not lead to your resentment building up in the week. Make it clear it's not about him being clean for sex, it's just him having the basic manners to take 5 mins to shower so he doesn't come to bed dirty.