I think I need a bit of help unpicking something I've realised recently and am after some objective views. DH and I have longstanding issues with sex, we both brought baggage from bad past experiences and unfortunately I think we've sort of made each other worse over the years, resulting in the whole subject becoming something of a battleground. Over the last year or so we've been working really hard to try to improve things and it's been much better, communication has improved massively and we've made more progress than I ever thought we would.
Our problems have centred around insecurity/lack of confidence and zero communication leading to long dry spells and both of us feeling rejected and unwanted by the other with lots of resentment building up on both sides. Sex is much more frequent now so things feel better between us but I still feel like that cycle of resentment is there on a smaller scale.
What's happening sounds petty, and I'm prepared to be told it is and that it's me 'at fault'. DH showers in the morning, he works a physical job in a fairly dirty environment and knows if he wants sex during the week I'd prefer him to grab another quick shower before bed. I don't think that's unreasonable but he literally never does it, although will still cuddle up to me in bed and see if he gets a response so it's not that he's too tired for sex, he just can't be arsed to shower. Then the weekend comes, he showers at night instead then and I know he gets into bed with the hope/expectation of sex because (in his head) he's done what I've asked. But by then I've built up a weeks' worth of resentment because I would've liked sex midweek and feel like he can't be arsed so I don't feel in the least bit inclined to shag him just because he's deigned to shower for the occasion. It feels like it's 'expected' too, which turns me off quicker than anything.
I've only just realised that I do resent him not showering in the week, I'm always disappointed but I've excused it as him being tired up til now. But I do resent it, that I'm expected to 'fall in line' at the weekend when my needs are being ignored all week. He's definitely not too tired because occasionally I will overlook the lack of shower (out of sheer desperation!) and he never says no.
I will be speaking to him about it, I just need to be clear in my own mind before I do. I can see I'm falling into old patterns of poor communication causing resentment but is a 5 minute shower really that big an ask? Is it really fair that I never get to choose when I would like sex, that it always has to be the weekend unless I compromise on the shower? And am I wrong to feel a bit hurt by his (in my eyes) lack of effort? Sorry it's long 