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Original poster

Should I give him the house?

64 replies

Worakls · 03/03/2021 08:02

Before I go any further I know I need legal advice, I have a meeting with my solicitor but it's in 10 days and I'm worrying myself sick so wanted to see if anyone had experience.
So 13 months ago my husband of 11 years (partner of 17) moved out after I discovered a third affair 6 months previous. He moved a mile away to a 2 bed flat and I stayed in the house, the reasons being I earnt a 5th of what he did (he earns 6 figure salary) and I had always been the main caregiver - he worked away a lot during our marriage. We agreed 50/50 custody but this lasted a matter of weeks as he used to call me to get my son early when they argued (DS10 and DD5) and I was still expected to do all schools runs so he could work.
Anyway we switched to 70/30 and since then it's been settled and kids are happy. DS struggles going to him as his dad has a short temper and shouts at him a lot but they seem okay.
Mediation is on hold as he won't do his paperwork.
He announced a couple of days ago he's changed his mind and wants the house sold asap as he wants his equity (there is only 40k equity in the house as only bought first home a couple of years back). He also said he'll go back to 50/50 wants he has a house as only reason he doesn't is because of living in a small flat. I explained if we sell I can't buy anything on my salary (even though I am now FT and have had a good pay rise) and I can't afford to rent round here and he said that's fine, he will take custody of the kids if I can't provide for them 😞😞. He also said if my dad gives him 40k he'll leave it as is...
So my concern is he is pushing for this 50/50 but I don't think it's what he wants, it's to punish me and for financial reasons. So I want a trial run really to see if kids cope.
Would it be really stupid of me to move out of the house and get a small rented place so we can try the new custody arrangement before we sell and it becomes official in our divorce settlement?

OP posts:
Aahotep · 03/03/2021 08:07

Don't do it!
Once you are out you won't get back in. Sounds like a con to me. He wants the money I highly doubt he will really want 50/50. He's saying that now before he gets his hands on the cash.

Nailcutee · 03/03/2021 08:08

If you move out and he moves in, he will not move out again. Stay put. Get legal advice before doing anything. Will he be changing his job otherwise how will he accommodate the 50/50 arrangement?

Quartz2208 · 03/03/2021 08:12

Yes it would be really stupid OP - he clearly is figuring out that financially he is not the in place he would like to be and he is pushing you.

I think you need to grey rock him now and say that you are getting legal advice and once you have received that your solicitor will be in contact. If he has a solicitor to let you know.

Do not do anything else until you get legal advice

Afishcalledwonderful · 03/03/2021 08:13

Omg please don't move out!! I had similar pressure to sell put on me when my exH left. Stay put like other posters have said and do absolutely nothing until you've spoken to your solicitor. These things will take time; it doesn't matter how much money he has. And it all sounds a bit dodgy anyway. Be strong OP and hang on in there. Good luck

SheRaTheAllPowerful · 03/03/2021 08:15

You need to speak to a solicitor but likely outcome is that you would keep the house until youngest child finishes school, I’d also be fighting for maintenance, is the mortgage high? Could you afford it with support?

mylovelydd · 03/03/2021 08:23

Please do not engage with this cunt any further until you have seen this solicitor. Get a proper bulldog solicitor who is going to put this 'man' firmly in his place.
This is the home of his DC and he is trying to make them homeless.

By the way, categorically no way will this twat take full custody of the children. He couldn't even hack a 50/50 split of time with them Hmm
So pay no attention to his empty threat.

I assume he is giving you maintenance currently?

rawalpindithelabrador · 03/03/2021 08:25

Do not move out.

mylovelydd · 03/03/2021 08:26

And the £40k equity is not HIS money. It belongs to BOTH of you.
At best he has £20k equity.
That's if you decide to generous and the more of a twat he is to you, the less I would be inclined to be generous in negotiations.
And anyway, unless you buy him out he will have to wait until the youngest is 18

Whenwillow · 03/03/2021 08:27

No no no don't move out! You have way more rights than I think you realise, as you're married and have children. Don't do or agree to anything until you've met with your solicitor.
Best wishes Flowers Tough times - I've been there too.

Movinghouse2015 · 03/03/2021 08:30

Lots of good advice already. I echo others, do not move out or engage in conversation with ex about the house. Seek legal advice ASAP

HarrietOh · 03/03/2021 08:31

Yep was going to say, it’s not HIS equity! Get a solicitor sharpish.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 03/03/2021 08:32

What money do you both have in pensions? I'll bet if he's a high earner & you weren't his will be worth much more than the equity in the house. You need cetv valuations and n them. Also often equate is split 70/30 in the resident parents favour. And of course you can't give him custody, your son is barely coping being with him 30% of the time! Put the interests of your children first - be their advocate & fight for them to be happy with you in their home. Forget about what sleazy grabby selfish man wants, his wants are of least importance right now.

Loveacoseynightin · 03/03/2021 08:33

Why should the OP get the house? I think the courts these days look more for clean breaks and would ask for house to be sold.

The children are young enough to adapt

AlwaysLatte · 03/03/2021 08:33

What they all said!
Any communication you absolutely have to do, do in writing i.e. email or message. No phone calls. Log and save everything, including dates when you have the children, and things you buy for them. Maybe buy a diary especially.

AlwaysLatte · 03/03/2021 08:34

Why should the OP get the house? I think the courts these days look more for clean breaks and would ask for house to be sold.
The courts may say that - but let it be for the courts and not her ex to decide!

Eekay · 03/03/2021 08:37

Trying to get your dad to pay him off?! The gall of him.
See a solicitor. And do not get in a panic. That's what he's counting on but there's honestly no reason to. He's a bully and full of crap.

Chloemol · 03/03/2021 08:40

Nope hold your ground. As the resident parent you should have the right to stay in the house until the kids are out of school education.

You need to make sure you have details of all monies he has, including pensions, he won’t get all the equity as I assume the house is in joint names. Check the cms calculator so you know what the minimum is he should be paying.

The fact he has not bothered with mediation will go against him
See your solicitor ( hope it’s a good one, it’s money well worth spending) don’t let him know you are going, just keep him dangling with non committal answers, I am thinking about what you have asked, etc until after you have spoken to the solicitor

SionnachGlic · 03/03/2021 08:41

Do not move out. Leave any negotiating & decision making until all the facts are on the table & you have had proper legal advice. He can't force you to do anything, only the Courts can if it comes to it. What he can do is bully, manipulate & make your life sh!t ...if you give him that power. Make sure you have as much of both your own & ex's financial information as you can when you go to your solicitors. Best of luck OP

ChakaDakotaRegina · 03/03/2021 08:41

You are working FT and have always been the primary caregiver. You’re doing all school runs. He has worked away a lot. He is calling on you to take on his childcare already.
No op! Please don’t move out. It’s no longer your job to make his life easier. Your kids need you t be a a strong position. Don’t get walked over.

Somethingkindaoooo · 03/03/2021 08:46

@Loveacoseynightin

I'm not sure it is about OP getting the house- it's about their children not being homeless....?

category12 · 03/03/2021 08:59

Fgs don't move out, sit tight - he's trying to bully you.

I would resist him having 50/50 with the children since he's already proven it doesn't work (and he's not particularly positive for your son's wellbeing). You can evidence that this hasn't worked previously and argue to continue present 70/30 arrangements.

Stay in the house and don't agree to anything financially until you've had your legal advice.

Notmoresugar · 03/03/2021 09:10

He's a bullying bastard and he's trying to wear you down.

Do not leave your house.

He cannot make up the law to suit himself.

I think he sees you as an easy touch.

This exact same scenario happened to a friend of mine and she stood up to the bully and came out of the divorce very well.

He also thought he could bully her and had a very rude awakening.

Original poster
Worakls · 03/03/2021 09:13

Thanks everyone. So glad I posted. I feel so relieved and empowered a little ;-)!

The poster who mentioned why I should get the house, I do agree that if 50/50 then no, I probably shouldn't get the house. My concerns are that if we sell, he will be able to buy a beautiful 4 bed in our current area and I will struggle to get even a 2 bed based on my salary and 20k deposit. Ad this is what concerns me is that he can therefore argue that he should get the kids as he can provide a lovely home for them whereas I can't. This is what makes me feel sick and genuinely pretty crap tbh. The thought that I can't eve provide a home for my children makes me feel like I have failed them.

He does pay good maintenance on current arrangement (more than the minimum) and he pays his half of the mortgage obviously as it's shared. Money wise I have had zero issues from him at all, he's been more than generous. I can probably cover the mortgage myself if I am extremely careful BUT I cannot take over the mortgage in my own name as my salary is too low, and unfortunately our fixed rate ends in September at which point we have to remortgage or the payments will rocket.

I am trying with the paperwork but he has stalled at every opportunity. Won't even complete his pension statement request - I did mine months ago. he is also self-employed through his own limited company so he can fudge his figures somewhat. He even said in meditation, to the mediator that if I start being unreasonable he will say he earns less than me so he doesn't have to pay much maintenance! She was a little shocked he was so happy to say this out loud.

Yes... he is a bully and yes he is manipulative. He also has a temper and scares me :-(. So I know I need to be strong and fight for my kids but it's going to be a very rocky road.

OP posts:
ruledbynine · 03/03/2021 09:22

Ok. First off...you already tried 50/50 right? He called you to come get him and you were doing school runs. Nope. That shits not going to fly. So he can SAY 50/50 but how long is that going to last? So you do NOT move out, you do NOT sign anything. You say “we will wait until I’ve spoken to my solicitor” do not engage. Do not be bullied. You have rights. You push to stay in house until youngest turns 18. You state that’s what you want to the solicitor based on his track record. He needs to PROVE he is capable. That means you do NO SCHOOL RUNS in his days for the next whole school year. Is he going to stick to that once lockdown is over, he’s back to work and pubs all open? Is he? From now on you keep an extensive diary and full record of any and all interactions with him. You remain short and polite with firm no’s. Print out and keep everything in a folder. If he pushes for anything (like your dad giving him money) you reply “I’ve noted your message. I will let you know once I’ve discussed this with my solicitor” end. Of. My guess is he’s trying to intimidate you so that you let him back into the house and marriage. It’s not so much fun now he’s not got you as his back up eh?
Do not do anything before posting on here first.

Whenwillow · 03/03/2021 09:23

You're well off out of that one OP. I'm so glad you posted too!
I hope you are able to come out of this with all that you and the children are entitled to. It maybe that the house would need to be sold and then the the assets split, but certainly, moving out of the house now won't be in your or your children's favour.
He sounds a complete arse and I'm sorry you're dealing with this!