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Original poster

Should I give him the house?

64 replies

Worakls · 03/03/2021 08:02

Before I go any further I know I need legal advice, I have a meeting with my solicitor but it's in 10 days and I'm worrying myself sick so wanted to see if anyone had experience.
So 13 months ago my husband of 11 years (partner of 17) moved out after I discovered a third affair 6 months previous. He moved a mile away to a 2 bed flat and I stayed in the house, the reasons being I earnt a 5th of what he did (he earns 6 figure salary) and I had always been the main caregiver - he worked away a lot during our marriage. We agreed 50/50 custody but this lasted a matter of weeks as he used to call me to get my son early when they argued (DS10 and DD5) and I was still expected to do all schools runs so he could work.
Anyway we switched to 70/30 and since then it's been settled and kids are happy. DS struggles going to him as his dad has a short temper and shouts at him a lot but they seem okay.
Mediation is on hold as he won't do his paperwork.
He announced a couple of days ago he's changed his mind and wants the house sold asap as he wants his equity (there is only 40k equity in the house as only bought first home a couple of years back). He also said he'll go back to 50/50 wants he has a house as only reason he doesn't is because of living in a small flat. I explained if we sell I can't buy anything on my salary (even though I am now FT and have had a good pay rise) and I can't afford to rent round here and he said that's fine, he will take custody of the kids if I can't provide for them 😞😞. He also said if my dad gives him 40k he'll leave it as is...
So my concern is he is pushing for this 50/50 but I don't think it's what he wants, it's to punish me and for financial reasons. So I want a trial run really to see if kids cope.
Would it be really stupid of me to move out of the house and get a small rented place so we can try the new custody arrangement before we sell and it becomes official in our divorce settlement?

OP posts:
ruledbynine · 03/03/2021 09:24

Oh and he can’t SAY he earns less. When it all gets finalised they look at his tax returns. Let him make an idiot of himself in mediation. The courts take a dim view of people like him. Let him hang himsekf. He’s an egotist with a temper problem. Sit back, stay silent (apart from to your solicitor) and let him hang himself

ruledbynine · 03/03/2021 09:25

And my friend had a similar thing and she is now in the house until youngest turns 18. Stay focused.

ruledbynine · 03/03/2021 09:25

and remember, he no longer gets to tell you what to do. That ship has sailed

category12 · 03/03/2021 09:27

I bet he's got a decent pension fund that he doesn't want to reveal because it will be taken into account. It may be that you can agree to leave his pension alone in exchange for the house or something like that.

If you feel scared at any time or he makes threats, don't hesitate to get the police involved. You don't have to accept being the target of his anger, and sometimes these things do escalate into violence, so don't take chances.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2021 09:30

Op. Can you afford to take the mortgage on your own? It’s highly unlikely a judge will make him stay on the mortgage till your youngest leaves school as a pp suggested, he’s entitled to buy his own place.

If you can afford the mortgage on yout own then you’ve a good chance of getting the house. If you can’t. Then it’s likely you both need to come to an agreement, you may get the full equity, but there’s not enough facts here for anyone to guess what a judge would do.

I also agree don’t move out, but get your legal advice, and look to potentially habe to go to court if you both can’t agree, it’s very expensive though.

Ideally you’d go to mediation and try to agree, but it’s likely the house will need to be sold if you cannot take the mortgage on, Ie the mortgage company will accept you, much higher chance if not.

ruledbynine · 03/03/2021 09:55

His pension (if he’s on 6 figures) is likely to be worth a lot of money and probably more than 40K. You get a share of that if you’re long term married. You have rights. How much is the mortgage. How many assets are there?

ruledbynine · 03/03/2021 09:55

What other savings/shares does he have?

Original poster
Worakls · 03/03/2021 10:06

Thanks all. I do agree we may have to sell the house, I just want to make sure I don't lose custody of my children because he can provide a better home.

His pension, I genuinely don't know. He has an army pension (9 years) which he won't declare right now. On his high salary he doesn't have a pension as he is self-employed.

No other assets.

He owns his business but has no other savings/shares. I do believe he has maybe hidden money from the business (as I technically own half although I am not pursuing my shares of the business).

I can cover the mortgage payments just about (selling my car for example will help here) but I cannot take the mortgage in my own name. I am allowed to borrow around £180k on my own - the remaining mortgage is £300k.

OP posts:
AtSwimTwoBerts · 03/03/2021 10:09

(as I technically own half although I am not pursuing my shares of the business)

You're being stupid again OP (sorry but you are). Pursue EVERYTHING you can, for your children.

elastamum · 03/03/2021 10:10

If you own half of the business then you have a right to see all the accounts. Get a solicitor. And under no account surrender your half to him unless it is part of the settlement

Original poster
Worakls · 03/03/2021 10:12

Maybe stupid yes but I am not interested in his business. It is his work, not mine and I have not contributed to it at all. It would just cause undue aggro with him and likely make him mess about with his earnings etc. My solicitor told me if I go after it he is likely to simply close the business and start a new one so just not worth it.

OP posts:
Aahotep · 03/03/2021 10:34

Tell him you will leave it if he stops making threats about custody.

Fireflygal · 03/03/2021 10:42

OK, is the house definitely unaffordable for you with 300k mortgage - did you get a mortgage quote based on salary and court order maintenance payments?

Housing needs for you both will be similar, a 3 bed house in an area that is close enough to schools & work. Have you got examples of houses that would be suitable?

His pension will have to come into play if this goes to court and a judge would take a dim view of a parent closing a business to avoid paying for children.

However where possible avoid court as it will just cost you money and stress. It may be unavoidable however as bullies often won't compromise.

Can you propose a counter offer to him (after legal advice) that would allow you to house your children locally? He may want the house, just to prove he has won. Sometimes a fresh start is actually the best so don't feel too attached to the house.

There are a number of negotiation points here..so all have to come into play. Don't agree to anything separately until the whole picture is sorted.

FrenchBoule · 03/03/2021 10:43

OP, get legal advice and stop listening what your STBXH says.
The reason he’s doing so well is that you have enabled him to have a career while resigning from pursuing yours to bring up your and HIS children. That’s also work.
Go for as much as you can and ditch any guilt. He will be fine.
Don’t let yourself/your dad get screwed over financially by this man.
Fight for the roof over your kids heads. Good luck.

Fireflygal · 03/03/2021 10:47

You won't lose custody because he can afford a house. Finances are not a factor in residency however courts are favouring 50:50. However they also support the status quo if that has been working well. Also your 10 year old is fast approaching the age where his views would be taken into account.

Your ex is using residency to frighten you. It is a well known tactic by abusive men try not to focus too much on that. Work to imagine the house and life you can have once you are free from this man.

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2021 10:59

@Fireflygal

You won't lose custody because he can afford a house. Finances are not a factor in residency however courts are favouring 50:50. However they also support the status quo if that has been working well. Also your 10 year old is fast approaching the age where his views would be taken into account.

Your ex is using residency to frighten you. It is a well known tactic by abusive men try not to focus too much on that. Work to imagine the house and life you can have once you are free from this man.

This, no one looses a house because one is better than the other. Not unless you’re living some where so unsuitable it would be condemned.
category12 · 03/03/2021 11:02

Op, the courts wouldn't favour a division of assets that left the primary carer unable to continue to be the primary carer. He can't stiff you financially and then say "she can't house the children" in order to stiff you some more. They're more likely to give you a greater proportion of the house etc than him as he is the higher earner and better placed.

Use the pension (and potentially your claim on the business) as negotiating tools.

Resist 50/50 as it's not the status quo and was already tried and failed. If you have texts or whatnot where he told you he couldn't collect or do his share, you may be able to use them to prove your side. Write down incidents you remember with dates as far as you are able.

Ikora · 03/03/2021 11:10

My friend had 50/50 care, her DH was a much higher earner and had his own business so probably hid assets. All that happened was he didn’t have to pay maintenance and then his job would get in the way and he would suddenly have a few days or a week or two where he couldn’t possibly have their DS. So the daily costs of raising their child fell on her shoulders. Over the ten years till their DS was 18 he probably had their DS a quarter of the time.

LouHotel · 03/03/2021 11:35

You are being stupid, his business was able to grow because you looked after the children. Its not about wanting to be apart of it but you can release your rights to the business in exchange for more equity in the house ect..

Army pensions are good no wonder he's being nice about financials now OP it sounds like he's sat on a little goldmine. Once he has a financial settlement in place this twat will drop cms which if he's self employed is a possibility.

RB68 · 03/03/2021 11:46

You definitely need to see a solicitor - to me on the basics you have provided he is financially abusive - only just bought a house he's on a 6 figure salary etc - where is the rest of his money??? Please also remember you are entitled to equalise pensions. Please go and get good advise quickly it is paramount to coming out of this with a fair share for you and the children

Kolo · 03/03/2021 11:47

Is the business a company and are you a director? Have you been receiving dividends?

Original poster
Worakls · 03/03/2021 12:54

Yes the business is a limited company. I am an equal shareholder, not a director. I did use to receive dividends, in fact he paid me maintenance and his share of the mortgage as dividends but he has finally stopped this after I complained about the insane tax bill I was getting. I now get nothing from the business

OP posts:
ruledbynine · 03/03/2021 12:54

You need to not be making statements like I’ve done nothing to the business. If that was true, no mother anywhere would ever get anything in a divorce. There are laws around this topic for a reason. He has built that business because you have enabled him to do so. If you’d died during childbirth of your youngest child (sorry for TMI but you need a harsh picture of reality) exactly how would that have then played out? How would he have done all the stuff that two kids need doing and built that business? Answer me please. The answer is he wouldn’t. Or he would have had to employ full time childcare and cleaners etc. Do you know how much that would have cost? You are entitled to that business. Do not be put off by the “he’ll close it and open another”. I’m sorry but that’s bullshit. The courts aren’t stupid. Financial stuff will be based on his Hmrc returns and all businesses have to complete those. The financial assets he gets from winding down the business will be 50% legally yours. You can’t just close a business. There are tax implications. Any of your joint money that is owed that he uses to open another business is half yours. You need better advice and somebody who will apply pressure

ruledbynine · 03/03/2021 12:56

Speak to an accountant about the tax and dividends. You need a more experienced solicitor who is used to dealing with high net worth businesses during divorce

ruledbynine · 03/03/2021 12:57

Please go interview more solicitors. You interview them. They work for you. This is key in your divorce. Start playing hardball lady