Should I give him the house?

[Worakls]

Before I go any further I know I need legal advice, I have a meeting with my solicitor but it's in 10 days and I'm worrying myself sick so wanted to see if anyone had experience.
So 13 months ago my husband of 11 years (partner of 17) moved out after I discovered a third affair 6 months previous. He moved a mile away to a 2 bed flat and I stayed in the house, the reasons being I earnt a 5th of what he did (he earns 6 figure salary) and I had always been the main caregiver - he worked away a lot during our marriage. We agreed 50/50 custody but this lasted a matter of weeks as he used to call me to get my son early when they argued (DS10 and DD5) and I was still expected to do all schools runs so he could work.
Anyway we switched to 70/30 and since then it's been settled and kids are happy. DS struggles going to him as his dad has a short temper and shouts at him a lot but they seem okay.
Mediation is on hold as he won't do his paperwork.
He announced a couple of days ago he's changed his mind and wants the house sold asap as he wants his equity (there is only 40k equity in the house as only bought first home a couple of years back). He also said he'll go back to 50/50 wants he has a house as only reason he doesn't is because of living in a small flat. I explained if we sell I can't buy anything on my salary (even though I am now FT and have had a good pay rise) and I can't afford to rent round here and he said that's fine, he will take custody of the kids if I can't provide for them 😞😞. He also said if my dad gives him 40k he'll leave it as is...
So my concern is he is pushing for this 50/50 but I don't think it's what he wants, it's to punish me and for financial reasons. So I want a trial run really to see if kids cope.
Would it be really stupid of me to move out of the house and get a small rented place so we can try the new custody arrangement before we sell and it becomes official in our divorce settlement?

As an equal shareholder you should be paid equal dividends. Whatever dividends he pays himself, you should legally get the same. So if he's not giving you dividends, he's keeping them for himself and getting your tax relief. He can't pay his share of the maintenance using your dividends - that's like paying his maintenance from your own wages. See an accountant because it sounds like he's using your name as a shareholder to get tax benefits and keep your share for himself. That's not legal.

Subject to your solicitor’s advice your joint assets should be split in a manner that prioritises the children’s needs.

Bearing in mind your STBX’s income, pension and earning capacity is significantly greater than your own, and only you are in a position to be resident parent, a fair staring point for division of assets is up to 70/30 in your favour. If the house is sold you should keep all of the 40% equity, you need at least 50% of all savings and investments and your pension should be equalised based on their value CETVs

You do realise the only reason he wants 50/50 custody is to avoid paying a big wedge of Maintenance from that big salary of his right?

But it isn't really 50/50 as he's still trying to get you to do the majority of his share eg school runs etc

Also get yourself the best shit hot divorce solicitor you can afford;if you have to borrow money do this then do it;my friend had to borrow money from her parents for hers but it was worth it because her ex was extremely manipulative and an epic arsehole to deal with.

You need to remember and remind yourself every single day, this man is not your friend, this man is out for what he can get, this man will manipulate every single interaction and doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. He’s doesn’t give a fuck that you ‘are the mother of his children’.

You need to stop worrying about rocking his boat and what he might do and think about yourself and you and your children’s future.

I would also suggest that you speak to more firms of solicitors about your situation. You need someone who is well versed in the ways of manipulative and otherwise abusive men like your H. He is not your friend here now and never has been either. He cares not that you are the mother of his children. It is also likely he just wants to part with the barest of financial bare minimums as well as further messing with your head as further "punishment" for leaving him.

The kids and the house are two separate things.

If he wants the dc 50/50 and you don't think that's in their best interests then tell him no, if he continues to push tell him to take it to the family court and let them decide. If the current arrangement has been in place for a while and the dc are happy and a younger age, than say late teenagers it's highly unlikely a judge will change the current arrangement

Do not sell the house, whilst the dc are at school or uni he can't force a sale.

If you've only got 40k equity then he'd only be entitled to half that, so if you can raise 20k, agree to give him that as long as he then signs a deed of trust which will mean he can't have any further claim to any further equity but he stays on the mortgage until you are in a position to put it on your name (which might be never). You will then take over all the mortgage payments and the house is effectively yours. This is all done via a solicitor

Oh and the size of the house isn't an indication of who can have the dc. That's ridiculous and he's trying to bully you. As long as they are safe and cared for it doesn't matter if you have a mansion or flat.

The divorce, the child arrangements and the finances are three very separate things.

Yes, the starting point in any divorce is a 50/50 split of all the assets including equity in the marital home, pensions and business assets. But the court will vary that dependant upon each parties needs. If you'll have the children most of the time and ex earns more than you, there's no way a court will give him 50% of the equity. The housing needs of the children will be a primary consideration of the court.

It may well be the case that your ex "sacrifices" the house and in return you don't go after his pension or business.

This is too complicated for strangers on the internet. Once you've both completed your Form Es, your solicitor can advise you on a sensible split of capital.

For gods sake, don't leave the house! It's the children's home.

I don't think your solicitor sounds that great if they're already advising you to walk away from your share of the business assets. That's a huge bargaining tool you have. And as a pp said, you should be getting dividends.

Where is all his money if he earns 6 figures and there's only £40k equity in the house?

You need a lawyer who knows how to deal with self employed people. It's a specialist area and not all divorce lawyers will have experience

Dont move a muscle. And let’s all remember that he can work his 6 figure jobs BECAUSE you have been doing all these other things - school runs etc. Sounds like you are well shot of this manipulating tosser.

Thanks everyone. This really is hugely reassuring especially to hear that you all think he is being manipulative. He has this ability to make me think I am being completely unreasonable and I doubt myself. And he also has a habit of being nasty and then lovely again so it adds more doubt. For example when he threatened taking the kids, the next day he text to apologise that he didn't organise a birthday present for me from the kids and to say he will going forwards. Makes me stop hating him for a bit I guess and to question who is the bad one here....
As for the questions about where his money goes. He has only been on a huge salary for the past 4 years or so. Lots of it went into the house. He also spends a lot. He has a very expensive car for example, pays for personal training, buys expensive clothes and gadgets etc.
We are very very different people... Can't quite believe I stayed with him as long as I did (for many reasons!)

Try to always remember, when he is being nice, that he is not your friend and he will turn on you on a dime again. You want to believe in the reasonable him, of course you do, because you're nice and reasonable yourself and you hope for the best - but he isn't looking at this the same way as you are. You need to always keep an emotional distance and your guard up.

Channel your inner cynic and take everything he says, everything, nice or nasty, with a massive pinch of salt internally.

You should give him
The children
The property
Your shares in a jointly owned business
Your savings
Your car
Your pension

WAIT !

You are worth as much as your ex !
Your starting point if you are married is HALF
Fight for everything
Do not give him an inch
You need your own solicitor asap !

Fight for the house, rent a room out to help pay the mortgage.