Maternity leave! AIBU

[lillu82]

Hi would love some perspective! Sorry it's a bit long winded

Found out I was pregnant in Jan 2020 (now have a gorgeous baby girl that's 20 weeks old)!

My work pays six months full pay and last year I came up with a savings plan that would mean I'd be able to have the next six months off and me and my partner would also be able to still enjoy life (meals out, holidays etc)! We're not flush but could have been comfortable!

My partner was made redundant twice during my pregnancy and it was very stressful and he hadbrief periods without money! My parents have been generous and paid for car seat and pram etc! I worked out new savings plan for when he started new job in October (he's been there since and it feels much more stable)! I told him he wouldn't need to put in until jan so he could sort his finances out, he did very little to sort them out and spent a lot of money on beer every week (average £50 a week)

Fast forward he put his first savings payment of £500 to me yesterday. He also puts in half for rent, bills food etc. However, He's in debt so after saving £500 a month towards my maternity he's left with little disposable income. (I did say from the start that we should pool all our money so we share what is leftover each month after saving so he'd have more but he didn't want to do that)!

To cut a long story short, he in the end will have paid in 2k and I will have saved 10K. To allow me to take the next six months off (without this 12k we would no5 be able to pay rent or bills each month as he can't afford it on own! I've asked and asked for over a year for him to sort out his finances, but he won't! When I try and bring up the subject he tells me 'here we go again you're ruining the evening' I then get more frustrated and pissed off, to which he replies 'I'm giving you all my money. That's all you want me for! Your so moody and horrible!' He then goes into a tirade about how we are existing in a relationship and he's going to go off and find his own happiness as he's not happy with me (though he won't move out as obviously he can't afford to)! If I try to explain my side, he shouts me down or interrupts or says 'I don't want to hear it.'

My question is am I being Unreasonable to ask my 40 year old partner for a financial plan? Am I unreasonable To expect him to contribute to my maternity leave when my mat pay runs out? (I pointed out I can return to work earlier but he'd then have to find £600 a month for his half of child care)!
Also, would anyone else be pissed off/depressed living in this situation? I find myself getting really low at his lack of wanting to sort his finances out! He's pissed off as we aren't close anymore (eg don't have sex) but his lack of empathy to my recovery after birth added to his failure to take responsibility for his finances doesn't make me want to jump all over him!
I now find myself living in a small house with a man who barely contributes and has made clear he doesn't want to be here! In my heart of hearts I know his behaviour is wrong but he always say it's all my fault! Any advice greatly appreciated

Oh he sounds lovely. You're not being unreasonable at all to expect him to pay for the upbringing of his child. Have you also discussed what's going to happen paying for childcare or the child's clothes and things they need? You really should reconsider the pooling of money, or if not have you got a shared account you can each contribute to each month for anything child related? - although there's lots of faults with that as what real constitutes child related when it's family money??

Go back to work, keep your savings, charge him 600 a month, he can do pick up every night, his half of the cooking and cleaning. and tell him he’s got what he wants so he should be all sunshine and roses.
The savings will come in handy especially if he doesn’t improve his attitude to having a family.

@idontknow54789 @timeisnotaline thanks both for your replies! Makes me feel a lot better! I actually feel like I'm going mad expecting him to pay! He's been speaking to his family and his mum has already said to me 'well I had to return to work after three months of having my boys.' So she will be no help in fighting my corner! And his brothers advice is 'if you're not hap9y leave.' Coming from a man who hasn't seen his 18 year old son since he was a baby!! I find these opinions so unhelpful but as they are his family he sees them as gospel! My parents on the other hand feel he should step up to his responsibilities and take on more work if he has to! I'm now seriously considering going back to work early, however I'd been looking forward to spending the next six months with my LG out of lockdown! Thanks both for listening I think I just had to have a mental offload, as it all feels very claustrophobic and lonely at the moment xxx

It’s so refreshing to see a woman who understands that fathers are responsible for funding their share of all aspects of being a parent including the cost of maternity leave and child care.

@MixedUpFiles thank you! Infuriatingly I think he sees it as six months of me sitting at home watching loose women! Not sure he understands the demands of a baby as the l9ngest he's looked after her is a few hours! On top of that I do all the cleaning, shopping and most of the cooking! I'm not asking for a medal but just to pay half into the savings pot for when I'm not earning!! I thought having a baby made men want to step up, sadly not this one! I'm thankful for small mercies he does help with the baby for An hour after he comes home from work... tonight it was 'I even took the bAby when I'd been at work all day' 😂😂

I personally saved for my own mat leave both times, but when I was on mat leave using my savings my partner always offered me money if I needed/wanted it and took on extra payments as and when necessary, worked for us.

But your overall post no YANBU, if you both initially agreed to save, and you were very lenient with his unstable income (no fault of either of yours) then his reaction to you wanting to discuss it is unreasonable and I'd be annoyed if I was in your shoes too.

Having a baby can absolutely affect the dynamics of a relationship though and couples can get snappy with each other more than usual and things that didn't used to both you now absolutely boil your piss.

It's worth if you haven't already, telling him how this is affecting you and how you're not happy any more, set out your expectations again and explain the reason behind this, im sure he won't want to lose you and if that's at all a risk he may well step up or even be mature enough enough discuss it. Good luck x

@YerAWizardHarry01 thank you so much for taking the time to respond ! I've tried so much to talk but he puts it back on me, I get really angry/withdrawn now as I feel I'm going mad! He doesn't seem to care about losing me anymore, I feel demoralised as a new mother to be honest! The recovery from birth has taken longer than expected physically and mentally abs rather than him being understanding he thinks I'm making excuses to not want to sleep with him saying things like 'your body should have recovered now.' I feel totally disrespected and have very little to give to him anymore x

On a really practical level, how does he plan to pay £600 for his half of the contribution to childcare when you return to work? That’s the bigger question because that’s every month for the following 2 years at least until funded hours kick in.

I was reading this imagining a young man who hadn't got the life experience to realise hos priorities have to change now he has a child. Then I read he was 40!

I would keep finances as separate has possible. Joint account for expenses for your child. It's not fair of you to be spending your savings when he isn't making an effort.

Have you worked out how much child maintenance would be if he paid that? It might wake him up a bit that he has to do his share.

Why exactly do you need him? You sound so level headed and financially astute. Use your savings while you still have them to boot him out. I couldn't live with such a selfish man.

Oh yuck I've just read the part about him asking when your body is recovers for him to use?? Where do these men come from, what makes them so vile.

@mindutopia exactly! Hence why I ask for a plan, but apparently because he's now transferred £500 to my account 'nothing j do is good enough.' Its like reasoning with a child! I feel embarrassed for him about his behaviour to be honest! All I am is unreasonable, even though he's overlooking the fact ive been reasonable for too long and coming to my wits end!

@MuddleMoo no I haven't! I'm a bit naive to all that to be honest! He's on £40k so not sure how that works out! We did try and create a joint account but again his side of things never materialised! Now all shared money is my Monzo account for bills and food etc and savings are in my name!

Honestly this isnt what you want to hesr but I would be hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. So start by figuring out how you would survive financially without him.

Has he been made redundant or let go?

I mean if you need 12k to stay off on mat leave for 6 months that means your bills are £2600/m because assuming you’re in the UK you’ll still get 600 a month ish for stat may pay, then he needs to pay something towards it. That’s a no brainer and no YANNU. Did you say you cover more bills still even though he’s working? Would he do the same if the shoe was on the other foot?

You don’t have to stay off though, if he’s being an ass as other posters have alluded to you can just go back to work and then he’ll have a lot more money worries and chores to do.

Also make him look after DC for the whole weekend or something. There have been SO SO SO many times my DP has said ‘sorry, I see what you mean now’ when the shoe is on the other foot. Most notable was me crying over his commute when he had a 1 hour each way commute to work which he listened to audiobooks/music/news/called friends and then when he started wfh he now retracts his response which wasn’t pleasant.

I hope you get something sorted

@smellyolddog sad thing is he's using terms like 'legal responsibility' for the house we rent! As we are both on the lease! He's said he is going to leave numerous times and j called his bluff at the weekend and said just leave! Of course he didn't, he can't afford to! So he's now said we will have to live together for now! He slept on the sofa last night and came downstairs he's turned the pictures of us over the other way! Feel so emotionally drained

To be honest you sound a bit controlling - you created the spreadsheet and then told him he how it was going to be? Where was the joint sit down to go through finances together? Was you having an additional 6 months off even agreed as a couple? Or was that solely your decision? 🤷‍♀️ in my experience people don't take well to being told what to do with their money especially when it's to allow the other person to have 6 months "off" whilst they continue to work?

@ivfbeenbusy fair point! However, I asked and asked and asked for us to sit down to work out the finances together! He never wanted to so I did it myself! I sent him details of everything over email and he agreed and even thanked me for doing it! We both agreed to me having a year off and I've even asked him to come up with a plan now! If he isn't bringing anything to the table what am I meant to do? Unless you've got bundles of cash to throw away you need to plan your fianances!

I thought having a baby made men want to step up

Not in my experience. If they didn't step up before, they're unlikely to afterwards.

@ivfbeenbusy and as stated before I will have saved £10K he's putting in £2k to have his child looked after 24/7 and have a housekeeper for six months, sounds a pretty good deal to me... works out about £11 a day

There's a calculator online, it would be less than the £500 but it shows how much the government think he should pay as a bare minimum if you were seperated. He would also have to pay his own rent and bills, and for childcare if he had any custody time.

To be honest it sounds like it's best to keep the money on your name as he would possibly spend it?

If you also take into account the way he has treated you it all sounds awful and I hope you find a way to make things better

You've done so well with your planning your own finances by the way. Hope that doesn't sound patronising but a lot of people don't.

He really does sounds like a child. He will wear you down if you stay with him. My concern is, when you realise he adds no value to your life and get rid, getting him to parent his child will be difficult.

@MuddleMoo you're an angel thank you! Frustratingly I don't think he have to legally
Pay for child care, so if I went back to work full time I'd have to find £1.2k a month on top of everything else and get probably £350 from him! It's so ridiculous how women get screwed over by useless men!