Maternity leave! AIBU

[lillu82]

Hi would love some perspective! Sorry it's a bit long winded

Found out I was pregnant in Jan 2020 (now have a gorgeous baby girl that's 20 weeks old)!

My work pays six months full pay and last year I came up with a savings plan that would mean I'd be able to have the next six months off and me and my partner would also be able to still enjoy life (meals out, holidays etc)! We're not flush but could have been comfortable!

My partner was made redundant twice during my pregnancy and it was very stressful and he hadbrief periods without money! My parents have been generous and paid for car seat and pram etc! I worked out new savings plan for when he started new job in October (he's been there since and it feels much more stable)! I told him he wouldn't need to put in until jan so he could sort his finances out, he did very little to sort them out and spent a lot of money on beer every week (average £50 a week)

Fast forward he put his first savings payment of £500 to me yesterday. He also puts in half for rent, bills food etc. However, He's in debt so after saving £500 a month towards my maternity he's left with little disposable income. (I did say from the start that we should pool all our money so we share what is leftover each month after saving so he'd have more but he didn't want to do that)!

To cut a long story short, he in the end will have paid in 2k and I will have saved 10K. To allow me to take the next six months off (without this 12k we would no5 be able to pay rent or bills each month as he can't afford it on own! I've asked and asked for over a year for him to sort out his finances, but he won't! When I try and bring up the subject he tells me 'here we go again you're ruining the evening' I then get more frustrated and pissed off, to which he replies 'I'm giving you all my money. That's all you want me for! Your so moody and horrible!' He then goes into a tirade about how we are existing in a relationship and he's going to go off and find his own happiness as he's not happy with me (though he won't move out as obviously he can't afford to)! If I try to explain my side, he shouts me down or interrupts or says 'I don't want to hear it.'

My question is am I being Unreasonable to ask my 40 year old partner for a financial plan? Am I unreasonable To expect him to contribute to my maternity leave when my mat pay runs out? (I pointed out I can return to work earlier but he'd then have to find £600 a month for his half of child care)!
Also, would anyone else be pissed off/depressed living in this situation? I find myself getting really low at his lack of wanting to sort his finances out! He's pissed off as we aren't close anymore (eg don't have sex) but his lack of empathy to my recovery after birth added to his failure to take responsibility for his finances doesn't make me want to jump all over him!
I now find myself living in a small house with a man who barely contributes and has made clear he doesn't want to be here! In my heart of hearts I know his behaviour is wrong but he always say it's all my fault! Any advice greatly appreciated

Do you actually want him to stay around? He sounds awful... The threatening to leave, complaining about your body, not doing any housework - I thought you were going to say he was v young but if he's in his 40s then there's no way he's going to change now. It's probably a good thing you're just renting and have separate finances tbh as I don't really see how you can have any respect for a man like this. I'd be thinking very seriously about separating.

Holy shit! My mouth dropped when I read he’s 40. I thought you were going to write that he was in his 20s.

I’m really very sorry OP, but I don’t see this working out long term if you’re expecting a level headed financially mature (different from financially secure) partner

He’s not a partner. He’s a cocklodger. His 2K to your 10k? For your maternity leave? AND he’s had a year?? For his own baby?

I don’t think he’s ever going to be a 50/50 partner

Then turn to his foul and demeaning mouth towards you. Do you really want to put up with him talking to you in that way?

I think you need to really think about this relationship.

Op I went back to work early for similar reasons when my son was 6mths. It caused a lot of resentment on my part as I missed time with my boy. This also will chip away at your respect for him, it isn't about money really it's about respect for you and your child.
He will not change, so it's up to you really.
You have 3 options, he stays and sort himself out, stays and you go back to work and he covers half childcare or he leaves finds somewhere to live and pays you maintenance.
That's the hard answer and it's needs a conversation so it's very clear and he makes his choice but staying and nt doing anything isn't an option.

You may be a bit unreasonable on how you approached the subject...he said he preferred separate finances but you have been keeping tabs on his spending and resenting him for not offering more money than you both agreed upon. There seems to be enough money for essential so perhaps get those agreed and then discuss any holidays etc as and when they come up.
If he needs to pull more weight re housework that’s a separate conversation all together...no he is not paying you to clean the house and look after your child 🤦‍♀️

Go back to work, and he can take parental leave. This way he’ll readjusted that looking after a baby is not all watching daytime Tv.

@LongTimeMammaBear thanks for your reply! He shuns all
Responsibility and can be foul mouthed, I'm no angel in arguments and am
Completely frustrated and ground down! He has a great way of making me feel like asking anything of him is too much 'you've got your £500, I'm going to have to live off rice and water now.' Even though we have a food budget! Trouble is his mum thinks he can do no wrong, and I guarantee I'm the evil daughter in law who is making her son's life hell! What he needs is her to say stop dicking around and stand up to your responsibilities! I have so little respect for him now... it's not about the amount of money it's about trying to fix the situation! If he'd take on some weekend work or had really tried to save, I'd appreciate every Penny... but he hasn't!

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Can you afford to live on your own? If he’s on £40k surely he can afford to move out? He will also have to pay maintenance to you going forward.

Have a think about what you want. He sounds self centred to me, and I’m sorry he’s being so insensitive toward you about your body. It’s unkind. Your body has done a huge amazing thing, and needs time to recover.

YANBU, he’s gaslighting you. Don’t put up with his behaviour.

@BikeRunSki unfortunately his parenting style is either putting the baby in front of the tv or taking her to the supermarket so he can get all the women cooing over
Him as if he's dad of the year!

Am sorry to say but you have chosen to have a baby with the wrong person

Prepare for single motherhood

This is not a good reaction from a new father

Utterly disgusted on your behalf at the comments that your body should be healed by now

The writing is on the wall - you will be better off without him.

He is a loser, you must know that right? His family are tosspots, get out & far away now while he doesn’t care about baby.

@Snorkello he has a lot of debt! He won't leave the cottage even though I've asked... He knows he can't afford to leave and I guarantee he is hoping I move into my parents and still pay my half of the rent, which again I find obscenely selfish for my LG if no one else!

Is there any way you can take your name off the rent agreement?

And move in with your parents I mean? Or is that not an option. I feel like you need to be around supportive people.

Everyone’s praising you for your finances but I don’t understand why you had a baby with a man who you’re not married to (protection) and don’t share finances with?

I know he got made redundant after you were pregnant but quite honestly you shouldn’t have had a baby without these protections in place. That was very foolish and is why you’re in this situation now.

He won’t step up, so your only options are put up with it or leave 🤷‍♀️

Can you just hand your rental notice in on the tenancy? Most have a break clause. Then leave him. Find a really nice flat or somewhere cheaper or move in with parnwts for a short time and stay on mat leave.
Op you ahve got this and you will be okay.

@emilyfrost how is it ‘protection’ when she is clearly more financially stable than him. Saving 10k in a year is no mean feat, let’s not forget that. It doesn’t sound like OP needs to rely on this asshole.

Emily frost... Good job she isn't married or he would have access to half her savings.
Marriage isn't the fixer to all issues. I'm not married to my sons father and with good reason it would be a foolish mistake for me financially

@emilyfrost yes that's very true Emily! Sadly at the beginning I believed all his empty promises and we were in a good place! Now my daughter is here, I have no regrets about her whatsoever! If I know what I know now, I'd still have had the baby as she is amazing! Sadly life isn't perfect, I just came on for some advice as feeling a bit low and trapped, not sure your comment offered any constructive help!

I thought having a baby made men want to step up

That was naive. Especially you say his own brother hasn’t seen his 18 year old child since he was a baby.
What do you want to do ? Do you want to stay in this relationship or would it be better to go it alone ?

Thanks at @FTEngineerM and @Pleaseaddcaffine really appreciate your support! I actually have a small
Flat I rent out, so could go back there... I will look into the tenancy agreement but it's a two year lease and I think the break clause is a year!

@nimbuscloud the more I read replies, it sounds better if I just make a plan to move forward on my own! Would not be ideal, obviously we were very much in love at one point but as many other posters have said it's probably better to go it alone! And actually leaving might be the kick in the arse he needs but more than likely he'll wallow in his own self pity and tell everyone how was dealt a bad hand!

So, essentially, he doesn’t want to contribute to the baby’s care in terms of either time or money? Going forward alone may not be a bad idea.

That flat sounds perfect :) it is a big step and you have recently had a baby but it might help if you know you have a plan even if you can't do it straight away. I don't think being married would have made your situation any easier as he could have just spent all your savings plus you would have a divorce to deal with and you are only renting.

Good luck whatever you decide

This sounds ridiculous , a 40 year old who doesn't expect to jointly fund his child and who is lazy and vile. There isn't a way forward with this relationship , he really isn't the person you want him to be. I would make your own plans, go back to work and make a new life. You might feel it is the end of the world going back to work early but 6 months off was standard not so long ago. You need to get you and your child out of that environment.

A conversation first might help though. I say this as baby emotions are all over the place and highlight issues.
Might be worth the calm conversation and seeing what happens. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Usually on these threads, I try to counsel give it some time, work through problems as it's been really hard during covid especially if you've had a new baby... but your fella sounds thoroughly unpleasant. As soon as you can leave him, and get out of your tenancy, I would as he sounds absolutely awful.