Maternity leave! AIBU

[lillu82]

Hi would love some perspective! Sorry it's a bit long winded

Found out I was pregnant in Jan 2020 (now have a gorgeous baby girl that's 20 weeks old)!

My work pays six months full pay and last year I came up with a savings plan that would mean I'd be able to have the next six months off and me and my partner would also be able to still enjoy life (meals out, holidays etc)! We're not flush but could have been comfortable!

My partner was made redundant twice during my pregnancy and it was very stressful and he hadbrief periods without money! My parents have been generous and paid for car seat and pram etc! I worked out new savings plan for when he started new job in October (he's been there since and it feels much more stable)! I told him he wouldn't need to put in until jan so he could sort his finances out, he did very little to sort them out and spent a lot of money on beer every week (average £50 a week)

Fast forward he put his first savings payment of £500 to me yesterday. He also puts in half for rent, bills food etc. However, He's in debt so after saving £500 a month towards my maternity he's left with little disposable income. (I did say from the start that we should pool all our money so we share what is leftover each month after saving so he'd have more but he didn't want to do that)!

To cut a long story short, he in the end will have paid in 2k and I will have saved 10K. To allow me to take the next six months off (without this 12k we would no5 be able to pay rent or bills each month as he can't afford it on own! I've asked and asked for over a year for him to sort out his finances, but he won't! When I try and bring up the subject he tells me 'here we go again you're ruining the evening' I then get more frustrated and pissed off, to which he replies 'I'm giving you all my money. That's all you want me for! Your so moody and horrible!' He then goes into a tirade about how we are existing in a relationship and he's going to go off and find his own happiness as he's not happy with me (though he won't move out as obviously he can't afford to)! If I try to explain my side, he shouts me down or interrupts or says 'I don't want to hear it.'

My question is am I being Unreasonable to ask my 40 year old partner for a financial plan? Am I unreasonable To expect him to contribute to my maternity leave when my mat pay runs out? (I pointed out I can return to work earlier but he'd then have to find £600 a month for his half of child care)!
Also, would anyone else be pissed off/depressed living in this situation? I find myself getting really low at his lack of wanting to sort his finances out! He's pissed off as we aren't close anymore (eg don't have sex) but his lack of empathy to my recovery after birth added to his failure to take responsibility for his finances doesn't make me want to jump all over him!
I now find myself living in a small house with a man who barely contributes and has made clear he doesn't want to be here! In my heart of hearts I know his behaviour is wrong but he always say it's all my fault! Any advice greatly appreciated

Unfortunately I have to agree with @SillyOldMummy she’s speaking sense. This guy is beyond useless. He’s clearly not on the same page as you.

Get out of the tenancy agreement. Move to your mum if you can whilst you work on getting the tenants out of your flat.

This should give you more time with dc using your savings before you get back to work.

I really feel for you, and I don’t think you were naive. You loved him, but it’s not worked out. Keep focused on the positives - you have a wonderful dc, a place of your own, financial independence (for now). You had a good relationship, but it’s okay to admit it’s not working for both of you.

Don’t engage with his mil. She sounds closed minded.

Fundamentally, you deserve better than a man who tells you he doesn’t want to be there, irrespective of the financial situation.

Turning pictures round- etc? You have a 40 year old man child on your hands. Sounds to me that this guy has checked out mentally too. If he really wants to make it work , then he really does have to sit down, look at what’s coming in, look at what’s going out even when you are back at work as childcare costs kick in— work out who puts in what. I don’t think it’s important to be prioritising savings at the point you are off work, unless what you count as savings is actually money to cover off the bills(and hence you would be back to zero or so at the point you go back to work as the savings would be spent ) I wasn’t clear on my understanding of savings

Thank you everyone! Actually
Brought a bit of a tear to my eye reading the positive responses from you lovely bunch! It's really lifted me today when I needed it the most. Xxxx

A Mama's boy manchild sex pest who doesn't believe in paying for his kid, what a catch!

Yep, time to go it alone.

When is the tenancy up? If you're on a rolling lease, I'd put in 30 day notice today, tell him it's over and move in with your mum for now.

He'll never change but will only get worse. He's 40.

@yetmorecrap sadly it's savings to cover bills when the next six months maternity starts

@Pleaseaddcaffine I've tried that... it started off fine and proactive, then nothing got done, then more conversations, nothing got done... then they became more heated and defensive and no we are here today lack of communication and everything turning into an argument! I'd go to couples counselling but we can't afford it xxx

OP you sound kick ass and together. He doesn't deserve to share/leech a life with you. As you have surmised it's going to be better for everyone, including very much your daughter, that you split and you show her good life skills and parenting on your own.

Wow, that Prince turned into a gobshite cunt very quickly once responsibility arrived. You and your DC deserve so much more than this streak of slime. Make your plans OP, onwards and upwards for you and DC, leave him in his swamp.

Please just stop and breathe before making any decisions.
This has been a shit, tough year for everybody.
Being pregnant and worried is hard.
Being made redundant is really stressful....especially when your partner is PG.
Covid is stressful.

Take a deep breath. Do you still love this man and want to make it work. If so it is worth a try. (You can afford councilling...although it might cost a month of your savings.....but it might be worth it).

I remember once when I was younger a friend of mine explaining how she got her man to hoover......by really praising him when he did....she was explaining that the male brain works different to ours and that they work on positive feedback and reward....she said treat them like a dog...praise good behaviour and ignore bad....or some such 'nonsense' (as I see it....surely everyone should hoover because it needs doing....) - but she's right.

So try another tack - praise him for the fact that he saved £500. He will feel good about it, it will build his self esteem and he'll want to do it next month to get the praise.....

Once the two if you are able to communicate then try to sit down calmly - "I notice you aren't happy with the current plan - what do you think would work for you?" - it might be as easy as him saying £450 a month so he has some extra spending money.... you don't know till you try it. (It might be that he just wants to feel a bit in control).

The first year of our babies life was the most stressful for us as a couple. There were lots of concerns and worries and it took work to get through it. But it definitely gets easier.

Whether you stay together or go your separate ways. Good luck.

I'm sorry OP, YANBU. The child is both of yours, so are the finances surrounding them. And your mat leave is one of them. Essentially, you are either topping up your wages during the second half of mat leave, or paying someone for childcare..you staying at home might even be a bit more cost effective...

I know it's each to their own and what works for one doesn't for another but this whole "my money, your money" business is so beyond me!! Is it really necessary?? We are one family unit, and the money coming in is ours as a whole, regardless of who earns it! Savings the same! And we mutually decide what to spend it on. It's been like this ever since we moved in together even before getting married and before DC, and was the same when DH was out of work and me working (or vice versa) or when one of us got a promotion / inheritance etc. Same for mat leave too. Don't get me wrong, we of course still argue a fair amount but money has just never been one of the issues...