Red flag?

[TheLostDiadem]

I’ve been seeing a really lovely guy for a few months now. He’s the first man I’ve dated since my marriage ending a year ago, his wife left him about 5 years ago.

He’s been very open about the fact he was utterly heartbroken and blindsided when his wife left. He said he doesn’t think he’ll ever really get over it, not in terms of still being in love with her but in terms of the shock of realising someone wasn’t who you thought they were.

Anyway, we get on really well, have a great laugh and amazing sex. But there’s just been a couple of moments where it’s been a bit odd. Both times out on walks we’ve been chatting away and he’s suddenly gone really quiet. I’ve asked him what the matter is and he’s just said “give me a minute”. He’s then just been really quiet for a couple of minutes then said “sorry, that restaurant we just went past was where ex wife and I had our engagement party, I’d completely forgotten about it until then”. The other time was when we were walking along a seafront and the same happened when we walked past the bench where his ex wife started having contractions with their first child.

He’s then just gone back to being completely fine after a couple of minutes, no further mention of it and he’s back to his normal self. I remember similar happening to me shortly after my dad died, I walked past a restaurant that I remembered sitting outside with my dad and realising it would never happen again and it was just like being punched in the gut. But I just find him feeling the same kind of grief I did for my dad dying for his ex wife who is alive and well and living in the same town a bit much 5 years after they split up.

He’s had a couple of fairly long relationships since his ex wife so he’s obviously moved on to some degree. With my marriage it was a relatively amicable split that we both wanted so I’m possibly looking at it from the wrong angle.

Would this bother you? He doesn’t mention it or make a fuss but it’s obviously something that still really hurts years later and I’m not sure I want to end up getting myself hurt by falling in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable.

There are no rules about what is a red flag and what isn't. We all have different ones, and have to decide for ourselves.

But if you're posting on the internet to ask a bunch of strangers if something is a red flag, then it is a red flag for you, yes.

not so much a red flag as just quite annoying and dramatic!

Seems like he makes a point of making a drama out of it. Not once but twice!

I'd be on edge that he was going to play me off against a memory of his wife to leave me feeling like I could never quite measure up.

Would have been a deal breaker for me the second time he did it tbh.

He either isn't ready to date or he is a head worker.

Yes, that’s probably true eckhart.

I really don’t think he did it for effect, he seemed a bit embarrassed by it tbh. I really can’t be arsed being played off against anyone, let alone an ex who left him 5 years ago.

I find it hard to imagine someone not being able to compose themselves and not act this way after splitting up 5 years ago. It’s a bit OTT and to do this on a date / so early on would be a red flag for me personally.

Urgh, I had an ex who did this. Even after sex! Suddenly go all quiet and distant and upon probing would discover he was thinking about his ex. Didn't love her, traumatic experience bla bla bla. A distinction without a difference in terms of the effect on me.
It does seem overly dramatic and careless of your feelings OP

Oh god I’d find that tedious! Sounds like a drama queen

It sounds a bit like mentionitis. I couldn't be dealing with it. He's 5 yrs down the line, should be over it by now and surely he's walked past these places before?

Yep. He's either still processing and needs tone to do this before a nedt relationship or he is liking the drama.

Can you be bothered with this?
Isn't it a huge turn off?
Don't get into the role of his counsellor.

I think you’re all right. I thought it was too good to be true! I’ve had a shit enough time myself recently, the last thing I want to do is become someone’s counsellor or end up feeling even shitter because I don’t live up to the sainted ex wife.

He needs therapy, he's really not over his wife.

Also being in the same area this is going to happen an awful lot, you've already had the restaurant and the seafront.
Her hairdresser, the supermarket they used, ditto the B+Q where they chose their first paint to do up their first house, a parked car that's the same make and year 'their' first car was, a front door the same colour and design of their first house, a friend's house where they had a great time at a party, ... where will it stop?

How many times does he need to walk past these places nowadays without getting a major reaction? How many times has he relived all these events via the local area and how many times more does he want to?

He needs professional help.

Run.

I couldn't be bothered with this. Sure after 5 years you might still be bothered - but you wouldn't tell someone in a new relationship this. You make the effort to move on, unless you don't want.

OP, 2 alternative things come to mind for me. Firstly this sounds like a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, is that a bad thing?
Secondly, you say his trauma is more about the shock of not knowing the split was coming and realising he didn't really know ow his wife after all.
You sound like everything was going well, I always feel sex is a great barometer, then maybe this is salvageable?
Do the same walk again, and if it doesn't happen again then I'd carry on, but speak to him about it for God's sake. Is it his wife he's not over, or were these places a trigger for some locked away trauma.
All the best

I wonder if he rebounded into new relationships to heal rather than being alone and properly processing what had happened? I understand the shock, I’ve been there and 2 years later am still not ready to date again. I don’t wish to drag anything from my marriage into any new relationship.

He needs to deal with it as it will put people off, unfortunately. We’ve all lost loved ones and have sad reminders at times but this all sounds a bit much.

I always feel sex is a great barometer

There's many relationships where all the couple have is good sex. It's not a barometer of anything, and can often be quite misleading if you try to use it as one.

Ditch.. I honestly could not be arsed with these 'moments' of drama...

🌺

Yes it bothers me if they go on about an ex
After 5 years he needs to toughen up and stop the self pitying, I guess this is why he's been single. If you want to carry on seeing him, just tell him, you don't want to focus on his ex, if he can't look to build a new future then it's not fair on you.

I’d be offended if a guy did this. Five years on?! Nah, he’s either a drama llama and will end up being an emotional vampire or needs therapy.

Yeah that’s weird.

Good grief, I don't think he is such a great guy actually. Far too soon, to have such doom and gloom in what should be your 'honeymoon phase'. To make it about someone ex is shitty, especially over such OTT stuff. I actually think it is a red flag and that he's manipulating you to feel on edge and negging you, so you are always competing and trying to be better. Fuck that!

I presume your walks are around the area local to you both? In which case surely he's walked past the sacred restaurant and the hallowed bench enough times in the last 5 years to get over it? I couldn't be doing with his amateur dramatics.

It would be a red flag for me. The drama of it all would be cringey for me and most likely lead to the ick

From a mans pov he should have kept his past memorys to himself and all attention / focus should be with you, we all have flashbacks / recollections of people n places. It's your call if you want to put up with it, there maybe places you not been together yet where he n his ex wife has,!! 😂

Two dramatic pauses over the ex who left him five years ago? Nope. He will be nothing but a head fuck.

Sod that. Red card for a double red flag 😲