Red flag?

[TheLostDiadem]

I’ve been seeing a really lovely guy for a few months now. He’s the first man I’ve dated since my marriage ending a year ago, his wife left him about 5 years ago.

He’s been very open about the fact he was utterly heartbroken and blindsided when his wife left. He said he doesn’t think he’ll ever really get over it, not in terms of still being in love with her but in terms of the shock of realising someone wasn’t who you thought they were.

Anyway, we get on really well, have a great laugh and amazing sex. But there’s just been a couple of moments where it’s been a bit odd. Both times out on walks we’ve been chatting away and he’s suddenly gone really quiet. I’ve asked him what the matter is and he’s just said “give me a minute”. He’s then just been really quiet for a couple of minutes then said “sorry, that restaurant we just went past was where ex wife and I had our engagement party, I’d completely forgotten about it until then”. The other time was when we were walking along a seafront and the same happened when we walked past the bench where his ex wife started having contractions with their first child.

He’s then just gone back to being completely fine after a couple of minutes, no further mention of it and he’s back to his normal self. I remember similar happening to me shortly after my dad died, I walked past a restaurant that I remembered sitting outside with my dad and realising it would never happen again and it was just like being punched in the gut. But I just find him feeling the same kind of grief I did for my dad dying for his ex wife who is alive and well and living in the same town a bit much 5 years after they split up.

He’s had a couple of fairly long relationships since his ex wife so he’s obviously moved on to some degree. With my marriage it was a relatively amicable split that we both wanted so I’m possibly looking at it from the wrong angle.

Would this bother you? He doesn’t mention it or make a fuss but it’s obviously something that still really hurts years later and I’m not sure I want to end up getting myself hurt by falling in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable.

The fact he isn't considerate enough to hide those feelings and not let them visibly show, would put me right off him. It shows he's still too self absorbed in his own issues, to think of another person.

My bf and I walk past my wedding venue (to my ex) plenty of times and I do always feel a little twinge but I haven't even told him it's where I got married, because why would I make him live my memories! Also it certainly doesn't make me want to stop and take a minute. If it did, I would consider that I'm not ready to date.

I would leave this one. 5 years on, he needs therapy to help him deal with his feelings, not using women. He'll prob deny he isn't over it, but honestly, if he's reliving his past, STILL, he needs to get out of your present.

How ridiculous. He probably imagines that he is coming across as brooding, sensitive and poetic, with his thousand yard stare and poignant 'moments' but he in fact looks like a tit. This is a man who will make his problems your problems.

I would have no problem with it if he went quiet, then explained something like "Oh, sorry! Just weird to be going past this restaurant with you!"

But "GIve me a minute", as if he is so overcome by emotion that he can't even bear to speak, would be too much for me. If he's really that emotional 5 years on, he needs therapy and is not ready to be with me. If he's hamming it up so I'll want to "rescue" him, he's not my type.

@anunexaminedlife

How ridiculous. He probably imagines that he is coming across as brooding, sensitive and poetic, with his thousand yard stare and poignant 'moments' but he in fact looks like a tit. This is a man who will make his problems your problems.

This. Absolutely this. Been there, done the cringing!

@ravenmum so anyone who needs or receives therapy to make the best version of themselves is not suitable to be a partner?

[quote FlatChestAthlete]@ravenmum so anyone who needs or receives therapy to make the best version of themselves is not suitable to be a partner?[/quote]
You missed the fact that I repeated "too much for me" and "not ready to be with me". I (not everyone) would not want to start a relationship with someone who needs a minute to even mention his ex from 5 years ago. I (not everyone) wouldn't want to date someone so emotionally vulnerable, partly as I wouldn't want to offer a new partner support getting over their ex, partly as I would be afraid of hurting them again.

I've had therapy. My ex had therapy. My current partner might be getting therapy soon. I still wouldn't date someone with this level of emotion about his ex.

Oops, bold fail, but hopefully you can read it.

Run! The ol' this relationship has run its course, you're not over your ex, you need therapy and quite frankly I found you really overdramatic and immature so it's time we both moved on. Bye.

Ah. Him doing this is really off - there’s a lot of manipulation going here... both from a, “I’m so sensitive, aren’t I a catch”; along with “don’t dare do the same thing to me because you’ll ruin my life”

I would be very wary. I know it’s easier said than done, a few months in you’ll likely have caught the feels and it’s hard when someone seems right for you in other ways. Couldn’t agree more that if you want this to continue, his reaction to a suggestion you could make for him to talk to someone about this, would tell you everything.

Very tiresome, he is going to be the poor victim in all things. I couldn't be bothered with that, its juvenile. By 5 years post divorce well adjusted people can see their was fault on both side and can move on.

@anunexaminedlife

How ridiculous. He probably imagines that he is coming across as brooding, sensitive and poetic, with his thousand yard stare and poignant 'moments' but he in fact looks like a tit. This is a man who will make his problems your problems.

Well said!

Call him out on it and see how he reacts. If he stops and recognises he does it, you may be able to move on.

Shut it down and see what happens.

I think it’s blindingly obvious he’s not over his ex and not in thr way he says, he’s pining for her. Personally I couldn’t be second best, and I’d walk away.

[quote FlatChestAthlete]@ravenmum so anyone who needs or receives therapy to make the best version of themselves is not suitable to be a partner?[/quote]
No, not at all. Depends if he agrees on what he's doing is odd after 5 years.
If he disagrees then not much point being with him

He's clearly not over her and is still going through some kind of hurt/grieving process. He shouldn't be pursuing any kind of relationship until he's sorted this out, it's not fair on anyone. At this stage he should be really into you and building your relationship, not brooding over his ex. It's really disrespectful to you. I would walk away.

Personally I do think it's a red flag yes. I think people need to realise that it's inappropriate to make a fuss about these things with your new partner. It's fine to have a private thought as he passes these places by but he should keep them to himself, and if he is incapable of doing so then he clearly feels far too strongly about it.

I would confront him about it though, he might just be being self absorbed and it is something you could move past.

OP you say you have great sex. Ask him to shout your name when he climaxes. See which name he shouts 🤔

sounds emotionally unavailable to me. If he was really into you, walking past the bench or a restaurant like that wouldn't even have affected him. We all have a past but it sounds like he's being way too dramatic about it. Besides, he's done it now already and the ick is already half way there. It's been annoying enough for you to post on here.. he's bound to do it again, and you'll be finding the ick sets in even more. Then you'll look back on this post and think 'I was right all along'. I would end it now and go and look for somebody else, sounds like it's on the downward spiral already.. Sorry

No no no no no.

He's not a widower! No one died here!

And tbh if he was a widower I'd be saying to you "not ready for another relationship".

God he's a drama llama

Bin him off

It won't get better

He does sound like a tit. Does anyone really genuinely need a few moments in situations like this when out with a new partner five years after breaking up with someone?

He sounds a nice guy. However, this behaviour is about distancing you. He of course may not be able to understand it as that or rationalize it that way if you challenged him, but that's what it is. That's how it makes you feel - perturbed, pushed away, suspicious. Then that is it's (subconscience) intention.

He sounds a bit self obsessed. At some point we all get our hearts broken. What's so special about his? - answer - nothing. I'm 3.5 years on from mine and if I did this to a new partner quite frankly I know that I'd be indulging myself and messing with them. I certainly wouldn't do it to someone I was really serious about. "Embarrassed'? No - not embarrassed enough to cover it for your peace of mind is he?

It might be worth shock and awe tactics to shake him out of it. Next time he does it. Pull him up and tell him that the comment makes you feel X,Y or Z or state exactly what you think he is doing (see above paragraph) and walk away and mean it. But only give him 1 chance to cut it out.

Bit of a big baby if you ask me.

I’m seeing him on Friday so I’ll speak to him about it then. I’m not prepared to get into mind games and tbh I really don’t think it is that. Each time it’s happened he’s been nattering away and then sort of lost his train of thought and gone quiet. If he was doing it for dramatic effect then he’s a really good actor as he seemed a bit uncomfortable that I’d noticed. But either way, the last thing I want right now is to be made to feel insecure or in competition with an ex wife.

I didn’t go into this looking for a relationship. I’d just had the last 5 years of my marriage completely sexless and I wanted desperately needed a good shag. We had a few very good shags and also had a proper laugh together so when he asked if we could give a relationship a shot I didn’t really have any objections. But, as I read on another thread on here a few weeks ago, good dock is pretty easy to find . I’m lucky enough to already have a great friendship group and I’m busy with young dc anyway so I’m in no way going to be heartbroken if he’s still mooning over his ex. I’m probably becoming a bit cold hearted in my old age but I just don’t have the inclination to try and fix anyone that I don’t need to.

I’m probably becoming a bit cold hearted in my old age but I just don’t have the inclination to try and fix anyone that I don’t need to

You don't sound cold hearted. You sound boundaried. It's a thing to be proud of.