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Relationships

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Original poster

Partners ex given him an ultimatum about child.

60 replies

Teachermammy · 02/03/2021 16:52

I've been with my partner 18 months now. He and his ex have a child together, same as me and my ex. I'm lucky enough that me and my ex gave co-parented well for the last 3 years.

My partners ex however makes life very difficult. Due to lots of different issues over the last year with her, which have escalated the last week, I ended up ringing the police and they have now started an investigation into harassment against her.

In the mean time she has told my partner he can only see his son if he takes him to his dads house. But that he isn't to stay overnight at our home with me there. I am no threat to the child, he loves coming. Police and social have both tried telling her I'm no threat but she has said that no police, judge or social worker can force her to send her son somewhere she doesn't think he is safe. I am a primary school teacher, with a 7 year old, never caused any harm to any child, no criminal record etc. Whereas she has an extensive criminal record for assault, her son was on a child protection plan with social because of situations she puts her son in up until recently.

Really I'm just looking for advice as to what my partner should do. Should he let her win and stop out every weekend at his dads just to see him? Or does he stand his ground and risk not seeing him until after they have been to court? (They were just in court in January and shes already broken the agreement so he's just applied for court again)

OP posts:

TheCatWithTheFluffyTail · 02/03/2021 16:55

Surely he needs to do what he can to maintain contact until court? Time with his child is the important thing and if the alternative is that he won’t be seeing his child at all, he’s obviously not going to want that.

Original poster

Teachermammy · 02/03/2021 16:58

That's exactly what he wants to do. I support that also. However this happens everytime he says "no" about anything, or she doesn't get her way. She escalates everything. So basically he is going to end up living his life doesn't exactly what she wants all the time. Which isn't fair either.

She often says he can't have him 1 weekend because she has plans then on the day tells him to come get him, and he goes of course. But she likes the control. I worry, as does he, if he always does what she asks, that it will never end.

OP posts:

TheCatWithTheFluffyTail · 02/03/2021 17:00

This is what he needs to get addressed in court. Get his contact time fixed and then stick to it.

OhCaptain · 02/03/2021 17:02

Why isn’t he the RP? It’s shocking that his child would be in danger and under SS.

Has he ever tried to have full custody?

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/03/2021 17:02

If my son was in that situation I’d be trying to get full custody. Why isn’t he doing that?

Snowymcsnowsony · 02/03/2021 17:04

He should go for full custody or at least the primary carer. A judge can and will tell her what's what. She risks losing her dc if she won't stick to a court order..

NailsNeedDoing · 02/03/2021 17:06

It’s not about letting her win, it’s about a child seeing their father regularly. Your DH is doing the right thing going back to court, his contact needs to be court ordered so that she can’t mess around with it indefinitely. Until then, he has to do whatever it takes to see his child.

Original poster

Teachermammy · 02/03/2021 17:07

He tried to get it so it was alternate weeks last time they were in court. But all they did was say to write a parenting plan and agree on it. So they wrote one, agreed in court on it. But then she goes back on it constantly.

He has already applied for court again and is going for full custody. Social say she is fit as a mother now though, they removed the child from the child protection plan in January also, just in time for the court hearing. So as soon as court was out the picture and so was the social, she started being a nightmare again.

However the fact I now have an harassment case against her as she's ringing my place of work, spreading rumours that could damage my career that aren't true and sending threatening messages to my partner about me, that should go more in his favour this time and hopefully he will get what he asks for.

OP posts:

Number3BigCupOfTea · 02/03/2021 17:11

Can you enjoy having the house to yrslf once a week?
It sounds like madness. His madness. Protect yrslf by not getting toooo caught up in it.

Original poster

Teachermammy · 02/03/2021 17:11

@NailsNeedDoing

This is what we had been saying but she will see it as she "wins".

The other issue is, I've built up a good relationship with his son. I live with my partner so every weekend he stops with us. He has a good relationship with my son also. So my partner staying at his dads house every weekend with him, means me and my son don't see him which means that relationship we spent the last 18 months building up, could be shattered in the time it takes for court to happen because it takes months from application to first hearing. I thought this was all over in January when they went to court but less than 2 months later its worse.

OP posts:

Number3BigCupOfTea · 02/03/2021 17:12

Wow. Just read that she is spreading rumours about you and affecting your work. Im changing my advice. Defend yourself legally like your future depends on it.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 02/03/2021 17:13

My x is a narcissist and unfortunately a narcissicist cannot let you leave them. You are not allowed to reject them.

Snowymcsnowsony · 02/03/2021 17:16

She can't dictate where her dc sleeps over.

Lbnc2021 · 02/03/2021 17:26

I couldn’t be bothered with this, especially with my own child to consider. If she’s as bad as you say she is and a threat to my career I’d be walking away from this relationship. No man is worth this amount of crap.

Blacktothepink · 02/03/2021 17:34

Yep, walk away from this...no man is worth this bollocks

MzHz · 02/03/2021 17:34

Honestly, If this bloke doesn’t tell his ex to back off, if he won’t stand up for you and fight for his access, then leave him.

You and your son don’t need this crap in your lives

Press charges, take her to court, and get it sorted or call it quits

MzHz · 02/03/2021 17:36

You are not providing the best environment for your son by staying in this mess.

Put your son before this man, out yourself before this man and get out

SandyY2K · 02/03/2021 17:43

I'd be worried about false allegations that could damage your career if her son has contact with you.

Your partner needs to continue with the court proceedings and hopefully her going back and withholding contact will be seen.

Although I have to say I'm not surprised she would kick off following the harassment complaint...it's all very messy isn't it.

As crazy as she probably is, she's not going to want her son having any contact with you under the circumstances.

AgentJohnson · 02/03/2021 17:48

It isn’t fair but are you really prepared to endanger your career and financial security by staying in a relationship with this man?

As frustrating as his ex’s behaviour is, she has a lot of power because the authorities aren’t going to challenge her behaviour.

anunexaminedlife · 02/03/2021 18:21

Stop allowing this man and his ex to turn all their problems into your problems. Let them get on with their circus unless you want to be unhappy for years and bring your own child up in a household of never ending dramas.

Suagar · 02/03/2021 18:29

Has she got mental health issues (which may be undiagnosed)?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/03/2021 19:18

Sorry OP I know it's not fair but you need to stop seeing someone who has so quickly added so much drama to your life - whether his fault or not.

You haven't been together that long, you live together and you're now a victim of harassment. No man is worth that. Especially considering you have a child of your own.

His ex sounds batshit. She's violent, harassing you and unfortunately by staying in this relationship you are keeping her in the life of you and your little boy. You have a choice in the matter, your little boy doesn't. That's not fair on him.

JackieeWeaver · 02/03/2021 19:46

How old is his child? Been in a similar situation years ago. SD was 3 when we met, she will be 12 in the summer. Mother a similar 'character' to the one you're describing. After a miserable few years SD started maturing and became stubborn with her mum about where she wanted to spend her time. She loves him, me, and she wanted to be at her 'Dads', all of us together. Not grandads, or anybody else's house. She has a happy home here, and her mum slowly lost control. I think I'm trying to say the ex won't be able to control your DP nor their child forever. If it's worth sticking around for, do it. All this considered, if the child is a baby, you're in for a long few years ahead of you - unless she changes her ways, or he fights for what is right here, which doesn't sound like plain sailing but is always worth it. And it feels great too

Easterbunnygettingready · 02/03/2021 20:04

Op I married a man years ago with a similar ex... Batshit. For example we booked a week away with my dc... Not a time he would have had his dc. Ex went mad - how dare we go away without their dc . Rebooked for his week end with dc instead. Apparently it wasn't fair for the dc to enjoy a holiday she wasn't there to see dc having fun! Changed back to the original dates.. We got married.. Dc was invited obviously.. Wasn't allowed an outfit the same as my dc.. Turned up on an outfit of ex's choice then she complained her dc looked out of place in the photos.
Best day of my marriage was the day after I ended it and realised I would never have to deal with the ex again..
Run op.
Bloody run.

ahsan · 02/03/2021 21:30

First you get the police to investigate her for harassment then force her to let you access her child tell you to do one if she wants to change arrangements so your not involved in HER child’s life then thats their decision not yours. Your comment about being a primary school teacher is out of order why you comparing yourself to her, does she access your child if the answer is no then I’d suggest you butt out

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