Partners ex given him an ultimatum about child.

[Teachermammy]

I've been with my partner 18 months now. He and his ex have a child together, same as me and my ex. I'm lucky enough that me and my ex gave co-parented well for the last 3 years.

My partners ex however makes life very difficult. Due to lots of different issues over the last year with her, which have escalated the last week, I ended up ringing the police and they have now started an investigation into harassment against her.

In the mean time she has told my partner he can only see his son if he takes him to his dads house. But that he isn't to stay overnight at our home with me there. I am no threat to the child, he loves coming. Police and social have both tried telling her I'm no threat but she has said that no police, judge or social worker can force her to send her son somewhere she doesn't think he is safe. I am a primary school teacher, with a 7 year old, never caused any harm to any child, no criminal record etc. Whereas she has an extensive criminal record for assault, her son was on a child protection plan with social because of situations she puts her son in up until recently.

Really I'm just looking for advice as to what my partner should do. Should he let her win and stop out every weekend at his dads just to see him? Or does he stand his ground and risk not seeing him until after they have been to court? (They were just in court in January and shes already broken the agreement so he's just applied for court again)

Sorry OP - way too much drama and it wont end any time soon.
I've been there with 1 exDH and 1 short term relationship - it was only short because I'd been there before and quit before I got dragged in.
Until the kids are old enough to make their own minds up - this is going to continue - can you really stomach that? Your life will be dictated to by his ex basically.
He may well be a lovely man, you get on great, been together 18 mths and don't want to chuck that away but don't fall into the sunken cost fallacy. Think of your future and that of your DC.

@ahsan

It’s going to end wrong op get out while you can as you’ve overstepped the mark and your partner has no understanding of what boundaries are. Your all talking to each other fighting forget that dump him move on find someone who will set boundaries so your protected from all that crap

I haven't done anything to over step the mark. I haven't tried to have a say in any arrangements that go on between them. I support my partner where its needed but I don't make any contact with the child's mother. She drags me into conversations with my partner by threatening me and saying I'm not allowed anywhere near their son and make false allegations about me.

@Anotheruser02

I would be in self preservation mode, 18 months is nothing you must have only met a few months before the pandemic. It's a bit odd that you have been with your partner 18 months and also have spent 18 months building a relationship with his Son that's very fast moving. Now the ex is potentially damaging your career. I don't usually say LTB but it's all quite intense and dramatic for a honeymoon period.

To be fair, I say I spent 18 months building a relationship with the child, I only started spending any time with him 6 months into the relationship. So its more like 12 months

@ahsan

I defend single mothers going through tough situations of having to let their own babies see women and partners they don’t even know, the heartbreak and pain these women go though my exes wife makes my youngest call her mum she’s completely disrespectful and I see the same entitlement on these posts these women have no entitlement as one they didn’t give birth to them two they didn’t spend years raising them luckily my children choose me over my ex but come on give the single mothers a break try make friends they are not always the monsters

I understand your situation might be a tougher one. However I don't overstep the mark. My ex also has a new partner and I've always been lovely to her. I never try to make her life hell because my son likes to spend time with her and I know his dad wouldn't allow him around someone who would hurt him, I totally trust his decisions. I know a few people who manage to co-parent really well despite their exs having new partners.

I've never tried to make any decisions about the child myself, his father(my partner) makes the decisions when he's with us. But she won't let him come purely because I'm around him. Which is extremely unfair on my partner because how is he ever supposed to move on and build a life if everytime he gets a girlfriend, she makes their life hell?

OP ignore the poster who has had multiple posts deleted on this thread. She likely is a bitter ex wife such as your OH’s ex. Generally the ex’s that have a genuine issue aren’t quite so full of hatred even if they feel it. Oh and punctuation always helps.

At the end of the day OP you’re just eighteen months into this relationship and already you’re caught between your DP and his ex wife.

This isn’t going to get better in fact it’s likely to get worse if the ex decides to poison the child not only against you but against your child.

Is this really the way you want to live for the next ten years? And possibly even longer than that if the child takes against you?

Walk away now for your own benefit.

@ahsan

Excuse me I just get how those mothers are feeling going though the same thing myself and I’m a fantastic mother. I think a women who’s carried a child for 9 months and given birth cared for that child even before that other women came along has a greater say to a women who has no idea what has happened think these women should just butt out and leave it to the parents that exactly understand the situation

There have been some threads recently musing what kind of person hates stepmums and will post pretty vile things blaming them and thinking the mum can do no wrong

Here we have a live example...

I was in your situation. Only stopped when DSS's mother remarried herself and instantly lost interest.
Looking back, I don't recognise the young woman I was who let herself be put through that particular wringer. Is this relationship really worth the stress, potential damage of your reputation at work, and the knock on effect on your own child?
This could go on for years unfortunately.
That's a lot of pain and drama which you don't actually have to sign up for.

It’s easy for people to say “stand up to her” but I feel for him. If he does he risks losing all access (she can just withhold access, ignore court order, do whatever, there’s no real comeback)

I’d probably end up sucking it up in his position, unfair as it is, as the risk of not seeing my kids for what might be years is too big a risk. I’d wish I had fought though...

If I were a primary school teacher with a young child of my own, I would not be exposing either myself or my child to these people and their hellish situations.

If he is already going to court, he can ask for a specific issue order saying that his son can spend time / overnights at his house.