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Original poster

Divorced but still married

61 replies

Wastenotwantnot73 · 02/03/2021 11:02

Hi everyone is it just me or have other people encountered the same problem. My boyfriend of a year and a half. Seems to still run around after her . She turns up at his house with a door key and lets herself in . She turns up with a flat tire and he runs out there and pumps it up. She turns up to see there child and he’s Tripping over himself to bring her coffee and biscuits. Is this bloody normal. # I feel uncomfortable with this.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 02/03/2021 11:42

Those examples, between a couple who separated amicably, have a child and want to retain a good relationship to benefit that child, seem perfectly normal, perhaps with the exception of letting herself into his house (unless this is an occasional thing and she’s popping in when he isn’t there to get something their child needs etc.) Helping out with their flat tire or making them a cup of tea are perfectly reasonable things to do, and in their case it’s really good for their child to see their parents behaving in a healthy and friendly way towards each other and learning that two people can decide to divorce but still treat each other kindly rather than despising each other’s guts. It’s a positive model of relationships for a child to have.

Does it bother you because your model had always been that people who break up have to hate each other afterwards, and you’ve been a bit blindsided by the alternative?

seensome · 02/03/2021 12:07

As the mother of his child he doesn't want to see her struggle so is helping her out.
My ex still lets himself in my house, even when I've had a boyfriend round, there's nothing in it, he's here to collect the children.
Maybe she doesn't have anyone else to help out with the car and she needs help.
My ex helped me out with some basic diy even though he has a gf, I needed the help as I don't have anyone to help me, he wants his children to have a nice home still and is being kind, he has a cuppa tea and a chat but absolutely no feelings still for either of us. Better to have a partner on good terms with an ex than one hating and shunning them .

Swordfish1 · 02/03/2021 12:13

I wouldn't worry about it unless it is at a point where he is helping her above helping you so to speak. So cancelling plans with you just because she has called and said she needs a lift to the shops or something. Otherwise, its perfectly normal and much healthier for the child to have 2 parents who get along and there is nothing wrong in him helping out the mother of his child.

As long as he is treating you the way he should be, as a loving, caring partner, to be honest you may be lucky in that you may just have come across one of the good guys.

If he starts putting you last though, just to do trivial things for her, then you need to talk to him about it.

Original poster
Wastenotwantnot73 · 02/03/2021 12:34

No I find it quite endearing that his is like that. I just found it a bit uncomfortable as to how quickly he responds when she’s around. The child is in there mid 20s . And yes at Christmas I have to wait and see what his ex is doing before I can make plans with my boyfriend.

OP posts:
minniemoocher · 02/03/2021 12:39

I still have dinner with my exh, we have 25 years of history and two kids, don't see what's wrong with being friends. Dps exw is nice too, again they have things to discuss, we want the best for our ex's because no hard feelings all amicable

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/03/2021 12:40

Well, that’s a bit different if the child is an adult!

I think you have to accept that they’ve obviously been good friends - as well as at one point a couple - for decades now and that this is how things are. Whether you find that something you can live with is another matter - it’s fine if you can’t, just wish him well and move on.

jimmyjammy001 · 02/03/2021 12:40

No offence but you've agreed trying to date somebody with children, this is what your have signed up for, you will allways the second in the priority list, his children and ex will allways come first, everybody knows that when dating somebody that allready has children, your only option is to leave him and treat it as a bit of life experience if it bothers you that much because it will never change, you will just have to accept what ever his ex and kids want will come first even if it means canceling your own plans otherwise you will be seen as the one being selfish in that situation because you won't accommodate him and his previous relationships baggage.

Viviennemary · 02/03/2021 12:41

It's pathetic. I wouldn't want to get involved in this. Walk away.

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/03/2021 12:43

I’m still friends with my ex. He’d come and help me change a tyre (or something I couldn’t do myself) and if he was working in the area he’d drop in for a cup of tea. I think that’s normal for two people who wish each other well and at one point clearly loved and really liked each other.

I wouldn’t prioritise what he wanted to do at Christmas over what DP and I were going to do - that would be weird.

theleafandnotthetree · 02/03/2021 12:51

@jimmyjammy001

No offence but you've agreed trying to date somebody with children, this is what your have signed up for, you will allways the second in the priority list, his children and ex will allways come first, everybody knows that when dating somebody that allready has children, your only option is to leave him and treat it as a bit of life experience if it bothers you that much because it will never change, you will just have to accept what ever his ex and kids want will come first even if it means canceling your own plans otherwise you will be seen as the one being selfish in that situation because you won't accommodate him and his previous relationships baggage.
Yes but the 'child' in this instance is an adult! I do much less for my ex and he for me and we have two actual children. We are reasonably amicable but both very much much manage our own lives. He is a whizz at DIY and believe me, I've been tempted to phone him when things go wrong but as a single adult I feel it's my job to sort it out, pay someone etc. This is not to say my way is right and their way is wrong but I certainly don't think the Op is at all unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with that level of contact and the 'you say jump, I say how high' kind of relationship between her boyfriend and his ex. My children come first but my ex-husband definitely wouldn't come first before my boyfriend in a scenario described by the OP, that would be plain weird.
BlueThistles · 02/03/2021 12:52

Bollocks ....

they are still in a 'relationship' if not an intimate one..

move on to someone who cherishes you... 🌺

theleafandnotthetree · 02/03/2021 12:55

And I think there is a middle ground between enmeshment and acting like you're still married and have first call on each others time and hating one another. You can be amicable, do each other the odd turn but have clear boundaries in place that respect everybody, including the 'new' partners.

BlueThistles · 02/03/2021 12:57

the Child is an Adult...

move on OP 🌺

BootsieBarnes · 02/03/2021 13:03

He's still in love with her. Very obvious from the outside.

goldielockdown2 · 02/03/2021 13:09

I'm on very good amicable terms with my exes I have children with but none of those things are appropriate to me. We are coparenting, not codependent or in a relationship. Boundaries. Respect for other people is important.

theleafandnotthetree · 02/03/2021 13:10

@BlueThistles

the Child is an Adult...

move on OP 🌺

If he is a good man and you love him, I would certainly sit him down and explain your level of discomfort with the scenario you have outlined and being clear that you are not at all unreasonable to feel this way given the age of the child/children. Some men in particular who fall within the 'nice guy' category and who get a lot of self-worth from that can be quite undiscerning in terms of their good deeds, responding to who makes the most demands on them and poor at asserting boundaries. I had to point it out once to an ex-boyfriend, you are allowed to say no to people, you are allowed to make judgements and decisions for yourself not just be at the whim of other people. As a non-piss taker who actually respected his time and his boundaries, I sometimes felt at the bottom of the pile. It was sort of a revelation to him when I pointed some of this out and he did definitely become more self-aware and shifted his behaviour a bit. I think it is certainly worth a go. But if these are very deep seated patterns he finds impossible to shift and especially if he tries to tell you that you are the one with the problem or are unreasonable, I would move on.
goldielockdown2 · 02/03/2021 13:13

Oh gosh I've just seen that their child is an adult. That's a hard no from me, there hasn't been a need for them to still be in touch for a good few years now. Using the child as a reason is clearly taking the piss.

billy1966 · 02/03/2021 13:16

You are not a priority.

He's still emotionally involved with his ex.

Leave them to it if you have self respect.

Flowers
theleafandnotthetree · 02/03/2021 13:20

[quote goldielockdown2 ]Oh gosh I've just seen that their child is an adult. That's a hard no from me, there hasn't been a need for them to still be in touch for a good few years now. Using the child as a reason is clearly taking the piss. [/quote]
Indeed, I envisage that when my children are grown and gone that I will have very little to do with my ex-husband bar the usual occasions and of course if there was an issue with one of the children that we needed and wanted to discuss or tackle together. I don't say that with any glee or anything, I don't bear him any ill will but we will by then be even more so than now, two separate people living our own lives and taking care of our own business. There is something particularly annoying and unattractive in this instance of him seeming to fawn over her almost, the little woman needing him.

SandyY2K · 02/03/2021 13:26

This isn't a relationship I'd feel comfortable in, so I'd move on without any drama. He obviously doesn't have an issue with running to her at the click of a finger, but I wouldn't have another woman affecting plans with my so called boyfriend.

If you accept it and stay, his assumption is it's not an issue or that much of an issue for you.

harknesswitch · 02/03/2021 13:36

The letting herself in is just odd, I get on well with my ex but that's a line I'd never cross.

I thought that the child was a toddler not an adult. Why on Earth are they even still still talking to each other, there's no need. I'd be especially annoyed if his ex came first with regards to Christmas plans etc.

BlueThistles · 02/03/2021 14:00

I believe us ladies deserve better... I really do ... please OP be someones priority .. 🌺

Swordfish1 · 02/03/2021 15:41

Just read the child is an adult. Ok, thats slightly different!
And the fact you have to plan your christmas around her plans. That is really not on. I could understand that if the child was a child! I have to sort plans with my ex to a certain degree before I can really firm plans with current partner at xmas,as it depends on who has the children. But thats because they are children! Which require adult supervision.
Sorry, This would annoy me too. I can totally see why this would annoy you now.

Original poster
Wastenotwantnot73 · 05/03/2021 05:18

Thank you ladies for your comments. I thought I was being paranoid. But things were just not sitting right with me. I fully respect any man that is willing to stand by what means everything to them but I just feel that this is a little too much. I have tried to understand but like I say she is a little to close for comfort that does make me feel uncomfortable. He also has a female friend that constantly rings and texts on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong we all have friends of the opposite gender as do I. But again they respect me that I am in a relationship but why the need to check in daily again I don’t understand. I. Really feel I just feed a certain need and no more than that.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 05/03/2021 09:40

OP I think you might have hit the nail on the head with your last comment. It seems like to your boyfriend you are perhaps a girlfriend rather than a partner, someone to do certain things with but occupying a box and with the other pieces just as important. To be honest it sounds like the kind of relationship I would want to have if I really liked and enjoyed the person but wasn't looking for much more. There's nothing 'wrong' with it as such, I think lots of people think they would like it but as your story shows, it isn't nice to be on the receiving end of it. It might be easier if the other boxes were a hobby he were obsessed with or work or something, the fact that it's 'other women' (even if they are not the Other Women) makes it much more challenging. I would have a good chat with him about it, no pussy-footing around and then you'll know where you stand and can make decisions accordingly.