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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Divorced but still married

61 replies

Wastenotwantnot73 · 02/03/2021 11:02

Hi everyone is it just me or have other people encountered the same problem. My boyfriend of a year and a half. Seems to still run around after her . She turns up at his house with a door key and lets herself in . She turns up with a flat tire and he runs out there and pumps it up. She turns up to see there child and he’s Tripping over himself to bring her coffee and biscuits. Is this bloody normal. # I feel uncomfortable with this.

OP posts:
tropicalwaterdiver · 05/03/2021 09:49

Are you "official" couple? Do you have the key to his place? What about his family (his parents, siblings) dinners/events? Are you invited? Do you go together? Is his ex invited?

Outbutnotoutout · 05/03/2021 09:56

@BlueThistles

Bollocks ....

they are still in a 'relationship' if not an intimate one..

move on to someone who cherishes you... 🌺

THIS
Bluntness100 · 05/03/2021 09:59

I have to be honest, it doesn’t sound like you find it endearing, it sounds like you’re jealous.

They are good friends, with a shared child and a common history. He’s alowed friends of either gender. He’s alowed to speak to them daily.

If you can’t cope with it, then just end the relationship.

NotAgainNoMore · 05/03/2021 14:09

I'd feel uncomfortable too OP. Have you ever been in a situation when he's put her needs above yours? At 20+ yrs old, if he wants to see his Mum, he can go to hers surely? Why does she need a key as it's not like DS is not capable of sorting himself out.
It's too much and he's too involved. Plus the other female friend messaging every day. That's OTT. He's got a harem and he likes it, you are just one of them.
How do you envisage the relationship developing, if at all?

Bouledeneige · 05/03/2021 14:16

I am divorced and am way too proud and independent to have ever expected my XH to deal with a flat tyre or help me with practical issues. He certainly was not allowed to walk straight into my house using a key. We communicated when we needed to.

But some divorced partners do this and remain pretty enmeshed. I personally have found it odd too in new relationships. I would expect if you get closer and more involved for that relationship with the XW to then become cooler and more distanced. If not I think it would become a problem with me. I think boundaries are good.

I'm with you too on the good friend. One of my best friends is a man (I was his best man at his wedding) but we certainly do not text all day everyday. I don't do that with any of my closest friends - male or female.

Original poster
Wastenotwantnot73 · 05/03/2021 16:33

Well I don’t have keys to his house and he doesn’t have keys to mine. He’s discussed with me that we will have to live apart for the next 2/3 years maybe a little longer than he is moving out of his home and his ex wife will move in . He does refer to me as his girlfriend and I’ve been to his parents for dinner. They are very close to his ex wife still and his ex wife still refers to them as mum and dad . Like I’ve said I don’t have an issue with him having/ talking to female friends just don’t see why it has to be daily. He will normally keep his phone on him at all times and sometimes leave it in the corner of the room on silent. I sound like I’m being suspicious of his behaviour but I’ve never encountered a relationship like this so I’m just finding things odd .

OP posts:
AnotherKrampus · 05/03/2021 16:37

This would be a hard no from me.

Sillysandy · 05/03/2021 18:08

You know there are women out there who would have no issue with any of this and more power to them.

I am not one of them. She is so firmly entrenched in his life that I would feel like a supporting actor instead of his leading lady.

I don't think it's wrong to be ok or not ok with it. It's a very unusual setup. I would leave but that's because I know how I would feel.

I think you need to be honest about whether you're ok with it and stop caring about whether you should or shouldn't be.

theleafandnotthetree · 05/03/2021 18:58

Well you're right about one thing, it is very odd and he'll never have anything but the most superficial reationships if he keeps this up (assuming you get fed up with it, as the vast majority would). It all works great for him as is by the sounds of it so unless he's afraid of losing you or wants a real, proper partnership then he's unlikely to change. I am Hmm about his ex calling his parents mum and dad EVER, let alone now they are seperated. It speaks of a very enmeshed scenario, that she is still absolutey family in a way you are unlikely to ever be. Sorry OP

Original poster
Wastenotwantnot73 · 21/03/2021 07:40

I totally get what your all saying and I know I have to make some tuff decisions. I have asked for some advice and im grateful for all your responses. I have been thinking to call things of or take a break from our relationship for the duration that he has to stay in the house which is 2/3 and actually see if he and his ex wife have made waves to sorting out her her finances in order for her to move in and take on the house that way it will tell me if he is serious about moving on or he is still quite happy to live the way he is. That will show me if a relationship is meaningful or whether he is just passing time.

OP posts:
Booboo24 · 21/03/2021 08:59

I am engaged and very happy, my ex husband is living with his partner and is very happy, however, we were together from the age of 14, we have 2 girls, 12 and 19, and my ex has a key, only uses it if he needs to come into the house when I'm not here, but will walk in if we are expecting him and the door is unlocked. He will have cups of tea and even helps himself to my food cupboard if he feels like it. I sometimes will ask him for help if need be but that doesn't happen often. We would probably both help each other out of a fix and can happily spend time chatting and laughing together. There's NO romantic feelings on either side, but he's a friend and always will be. Neither of us prioritise each other over our partners, but we do prioritise our children's relationship with each other, maybe that's what's happening here

Original poster
Wastenotwantnot73 · 21/03/2021 11:41

And that’s very sweet that your able to do that . And I absolutely take my hat off to any couple that can manage to do it . Yes it could very well be the same for my boyfriend and his ex wife but there child is a fully grown man in his 20s .

OP posts:
gutful · 21/03/2021 11:50

No it’s not normal or healthy but most people on here hate step parents etc & will tell you this is the ideal co-parenting relationship & you knew what you were signing up for

It sounds pretty enmeshed & that she is the primary woman in his life

This isn’t an ideal situation most women would want or would stand for. The fact she needs to run to her ex to fix a flat tyre is pretty pathetic

It’s up to you whether this is something you can live with or not.

Original poster
Wastenotwantnot73 · 21/03/2021 21:38

@gutful you really have hit the nail on the head here. I have realised that some on here don’t like the step parent and do believe it perfectly normal co parenting if the child was a child but I’m speaking of a grown man here . My mum seems to think they have kept the relationship like this because they can’t live with each other and can’t live without each other and smothering there adult son and treat him like a child because it’s a reason to keep themselves bounded together. But yes I’m finding things very hard to live with myself lately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wastenotwantnot73 · 23/03/2021 16:14

Well he has now decided to redecorate the house painting replacing old carpets with new . Hire skips and garden clearance people . Again something I struggle to understand if he is not going to stay there. He claims he is only babysitting the house until the ex wife is able to financially move into it . Yes it’s his money and his savings but I don’t understand why you would go to these lengths if your not staying there. Especially as he keeps claiming he don’t have a lot of savings. Very confused.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 23/03/2021 16:42

@Wastenotwantnot73

Well he has now decided to redecorate the house painting replacing old carpets with new . Hire skips and garden clearance people . Again something I struggle to understand if he is not going to stay there. He claims he is only babysitting the house until the ex wife is able to financially move into it . Yes it’s his money and his savings but I don’t understand why you would go to these lengths if your not staying there. Especially as he keeps claiming he don’t have a lot of savings. Very confused.
I think I'd be confused no more and step away from it all OP. It doesn't feel like theres a place for you in this set up, which MIGHT be ok if you were just after a very casual thing but it doesn't sound like you are. Did you set out your concerns/ issues to him and if so, what was his response? I said in an earlier post I'd be giving him a chance to reflect on your position on the off chance he's just heedless and passively going along with how things have been. Especislly if he's basically a good man. Still, you want him to be (mainly) YOUR good man, that's not at all unreasonable
Original poster
Wastenotwantnot73 · 23/03/2021 17:10

@theleafandnotthetree . Yes I have spoken to him and he told me he can’t possibly move out of the house as he ex is not in a financial position to move in and take the house on . So he will continue to stay there for the next 2/3 years until she is. I asked him what do you get out of all of this as he will leave with nothing but the clothes he owns and his ex will have the house savings and a completely new decorated house so yes I’m confused as to what on earth he’s thinking. He’s told me he wants to be with me long term and build a future with me. Like I say he’s struggling to parent his very adult child. So I’m also struggling with what support and advice I can offer.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 23/03/2021 17:19

He may say he wants to build a future with you but his actions suggest he is mired in the past, pandering to his ex-wife and adult child. And a bit of a wet lettuce. I dont see what support or advice someone needs to parent an adult child, what's that all about? I would either treat this as a light relationship, taking the bits you like from it and without half an eye towards other options (including being single) or I'd end it. This almost smacks of threads from OW who are kept dangling til after Christmas or after exams or after their child goes to college. But in this case, nothing is stopping this man fully embracing life with you except him. You are not the OW but are almost being treated that way

Original poster
Wastenotwantnot73 · 23/03/2021 17:34

Well he’s adamant that he can’t move out for several years. As for the house he says he wants to enjoy it all decorated for the years he’s there . And as for there adult child he is suffering with depression apparently and has been since he left school. He has no responsibility what so ever and they both treat him like his nine years old and I’m confused about that . He can’t even go and buy either of his parents birthday or Christmas cards . So his dad will buy him one for his mum on her birthday and his mum will buy him one for his dad on his birthday again very confused as to why they are both so scared to give there son responsibility and reality of life again confused.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 23/03/2021 17:45

No I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all.

My DP is totally civil with his ex and they can chat etc but they don't act like they're still together in any way. If she needs any help with DIY or her car she will ask her dad or hire someone, not come to her ex.

She doesn't come round to see the children either...either she has them or he does. She should absolutely not have a key to his house.

I'd be speaking to him about all of this because it's just not on if he wants to have a relationship with someone else. It is unfair to expect someone to expect that much enmeshment with his ex's life. He needs to sort out some boundaries.

Bibidy · 23/03/2021 17:46

Wow, I've just seen that the 'child' is in fact an adult. In that case it's all 1000 times more inappropriate, there is absolutely no reason at all for them to be so involved with each other or even talking at all.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/03/2021 17:47

@Wastenotwantnot73

Well he’s adamant that he can’t move out for several years. As for the house he says he wants to enjoy it all decorated for the years he’s there . And as for there adult child he is suffering with depression apparently and has been since he left school. He has no responsibility what so ever and they both treat him like his nine years old and I’m confused about that . He can’t even go and buy either of his parents birthday or Christmas cards . So his dad will buy him one for his mum on her birthday and his mum will buy him one for his dad on his birthday again very confused as to why they are both so scared to give there son responsibility and reality of life again confused.
Ah now OP, this gets worse. It is sad that your chap's son has depression - though by the sound of it is being done no favours by his parents - but I think you have no business being involved in this dynamic, getting more and more frustrated and annoyed at mammy and daddy fussing and flustering and in constant communication about their little boy. Unless you are just happy to be in any relationship, I would venture to say you would be better single or looking for something better. It doesn't even matter if you've got the wrong end of the stick and this level of contact is vital to this young mans safety, you don't have to stay in any relationship that's not working for you. Is this working for you?
LivBa · 23/03/2021 18:58

Are they actually divorced or is he still married to her? Does the "ex" know about you?

Original poster
Wastenotwantnot73 · 23/03/2021 20:58

@theleafandnotthetree . I don’t feel comfortable with this. Yes the young mans safely is paramount but I don’t understand why if he has such severe depression why they haven’t helped him . Remember I’ve said he has been like it since he left school he’s 22 in a few months. He’s never worked at all in this time. He’s never washed a dish in all this time. His parents still buy all his clothes and shoes. They wouldn’t think twice about spending £ 300-400 on his computer consoles and leave him in his room all day. How can I even begin to help when I’ve been asked too . What can I do? I’m so confused as to why if you love your child why you would not help them get out of a trapped way off life it makes no sense to me. Why would you spend money, time savings, effort on a house your leaving and not even allowing yourself to have anything left at the end of it all. Why would you do that too yourself. I thought in this horrible sad crazy world we live in your supposed to be happy. How is this happy ?

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 23/03/2021 21:06

Who is asking you to help with the son and on what basis? It sounds like the your partner might enjoy too much being a martyr, needed, etc, maybe that IS what makes him happy. I can't identify with that way of thinking but it's not uncommon. It would be a very difficult mindset to shift and ironically if you are independent and capable and don't take the piss, you'll come bottom of the pile. He might be all about you if there was something wrong with you.