Divorced but still married

[Wastenotwantnot73]

Hi everyone is it just me or have other people encountered the same problem. My boyfriend of a year and a half. Seems to still run around after her . She turns up at his house with a door key and lets herself in . She turns up with a flat tire and he runs out there and pumps it up. She turns up to see there child and he’s Tripping over himself to bring her coffee and biscuits. Is this bloody normal. # I feel uncomfortable with this.

My partner has asked for advice on what to do next with his son . Like I say I’m more confused as to why they haven’t and won’t give him any responsibility . I mean the son can take every plate. Cup . Bowl . Glass . Utensils to his room as again that’s the only place he eats . And my partner will not eat as he has nothing to eat off . But he’ll ask his son to bring down the washing up but if that takes him about a week then my partner will not eat properly for that duration. They will not and haven’t implemented nothing in there son’s whole life that teaches him responsibility so how can I help or offer advice on that . My partners actions are. Keep and live in the house redecorate replace furniture etc .until his ex is financially able to take over hence why he has said 2/3 years. Run around after his son . And flap around the ex wife when she turns up . I’m very independent. I have nothing wrong with me . I have 3 children all around the same age as his son and we all work and muck in to keep our house paid for warm and clean. So yes I guess I’m at the bottom of the pile.

@Bibidy you have just repeated what my mum said. She said is was unfair for him to ask me or anyone else to sit and wait why he pampered to his ex wife and son because 2/3 years is a long time to live on a breadcrumb relationship. But like I’ve said @keeping the house is extremely important to my partner. They both don’t want to lose there home because of there son . So they will do everything in there power to keep it afloat. My mum who before she retired was mental health nurse and held quite a high position in this field and she said they have both installed there son’s child like behaviour in too him . I have been round there on occasions and speak on FaceTime every night and there son is always happy laughing joking spending many hours on his computer consoles to people and I have yet to see his depression. I know depression comes In many shapes and affects people differently but all I see is a young child like man without a care in the world who doesn’t even have to work if he never wants to. If his happy to sit in his room for the rest of his duration of his life then his mum and dad are happy with that . Again very confused as to why they would be happy with that. Yes his ex wife does know about me and I have met her .

Taking everything else out of the equation, I just couldnt be around that utterly ridiculous dynamic. Or of I was I would explode. I would find it very hard to respect such a frankly useless parent, regardless of how good his intentions. Respect for the person as a person, regardless of how they are with me would be a cornerstone of a relationship for me. You sound sorted, normal etc, I just wouldnt entangle yourself in this thing any further.

It's their, not there. Their son, their house, not your problem (or shouldn't be). I'd give this one up.

@noirchatsdeux . Thank you for your concern on correcting my grammar.

I am aware I really should sit him down and talk though again my worries. I had my worries and with receiving comments on here have just echoed them. It’s not an ideal situation or what would appear as a normal relationship.

[quote Wastenotwantnot73]@noirchatsdeux . Thank you for your concern on correcting my grammar.[/quote]
Yes, because that's the most important thing 🙄

@Wastenotwantnot73

I am aware I really should sit him down and talk though again my worries. I had my worries and with receiving comments on here have just echoed them. It’s not an ideal situation or what would appear as a normal relationship.

No, it's not normal. I fear that you are but a pebble in the river which is the emeshed relationship between mother, father and son - and extended family too - which spans decades and which it sounds unlikely that such a seemingly wet man (sorry, but thats how he comes across) would have the motivation or balls to challenge or change. Look, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship and everyone has baggage no doubt but with two actual children and a much shorter time since seperation, I have nothing like what you describe. I wouldnt want it (why does he?) and I would consider it selfish to expect someone else to put up with it.

This is not a healthy setup.

There’s a not dissimilar thing going on with my DP. His dd is 19 and dropped out of school pre-GCSE and has done nothing since.

It took quite a while for the dynamic to emerge. The dynamic with his ex was cloaked in a ‘we’re great friends’ plus dd was a lot younger.

I was initially impressed, til I realized, it’s co-parenting, minus the parenting.

They’re all stuck and helpless in this thing. Telling themselves there’s nothing that can be done. Except they haven’t tried y’know, parenting normally (with boundaries). There’s a lack of boundaries all round.

I refuse to move in with DP unless he gets his act together but he is still preferring to stay in ‘poor me’ mode. Up to him.

You’ve realized at an early stage and are in a good position to walk away, knowing you’ve not really lost much.

You’ll always come third place I think.

@LatentPhase @theleafandnotthetree you both and so many others are right. I’ve spoken yet again of my concerns and worries I have. But my partner is still very adamant he can not do a thing to change anything. I still have to see my boyfriend for a very limited time over the week and weekend for the next 2/3 years. Yes I know it’s my choice to either ride it out or walk away. I still very frustrated that my relationship can’t go at the pace I won’t and that it all rests on how long it takes his ex partner to sort herself out. I have considered leaving and picking up the relationship when he is emotionally available too as it’s always going to be very hard to have a relationship with him having so an attachment to his ex partner as for the adult child there both trying to co-parent that will never change. That’s what they both seem to enjoy doing for whatever reason they find that normal. Thanks ladies for your advice. . .

OP I think you know what you have to do, taking all judgements about his attitude and entanglements aside (and they are ridiculous) you simply want different things. There is absolutely no way you should 'waste' years more on the sidelines of this shitshow in the hope that it might change. He has clearly stated what he wants - by his actions if not his words - and it's just not what you want