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Original poster

If I left OH, would I not just be creating more work for myself?

72 replies

Pigeoninthechimney · 02/03/2021 06:00

My oh does next to nothing with our baby. Yesterday I had her from waking right through the day. OH was working (from home) so fair enough. But then 5 came and he was messing about with his bike. He was in the dining room and we were in the lounge so he must have been able to hear baby fussing and crying and me trying to comfort her but just carried in with his bike. Eventually came through at 7, I had ten minutes while I ate something then I had her back. He then had her for about twenty/thirty minutes and then I went to bed with her and did then night.

That’s a typical day, more or less, although to be fair to him he sometimes does a bit more and sometimes will have her at 7 if I’m really tired.

But it’s not a lot and I am starting to seriously wonder about leaving. I have to stress though this isn’t an unkind abusive man. Just lazy. OTOH he does work FT and he earns a good salary.

I feel so much resentment over it all though.

OP posts:
pog100 · 02/03/2021 07:00

More work, less money but less resentment. Surprisingly I think the third outweighs the first two as it gives you hope for the rest of your life. Before that though make him realise how deeply, deadly serious this has become.. That you are seriously contemplating splitting. You must mean it though, no empty threats. It may be enough to give him a wake up call. You should both have the same down time and mental loads. Good luck

sonnysunshine · 02/03/2021 07:10

All of my friends who have got rid of a lazy man have ended up in as much happier place
If you are doing 95% of the work anyway the main difference Is that you will crack on and do it without feeling resentful. That resentment just grows and grows and turns you into a bitter person which is very unfair.
Furthermore if they are not complete wanker they will want some access and once breastfeeding is over this will give you some actual free time. Yes it is more expensive the weiedly in my scenario with benefits and payments I would be better off financially.

BlackSabbath · 02/03/2021 07:14

When I left lazy ex who did nothing for the kids, he ended up taking them every other weekend and one night through the week , so I actually got much more time to myself and a much needed break!

Silenceisgolden20 · 02/03/2021 07:20

When the child baby was fussing and you said he could hear, why didn't you say come and look after your child?

Wannabegreenfingers · 02/03/2021 07:22

You'll get more time for sure, maybe not straight away as you have a baby, especially if EBF, but when older.

Have you spoken to him? I don't mean to generalise, but a lot of men are blind to what they perceive as women's work - Children, home etc. It's completely unexceptable and I've no idea why, but maybe he needs this spelling out. Not that you should have to. Good luck x

Furrybutts · 02/03/2021 07:25

BlackSabbath I was just coming on to post almost exactly the same thing!

My ex DH was a very reluctant father. He would only do the absolute minimum child care.

When I left him, he had the children every other weekend and one or 2 after-school eve/ night a week.

The break from them was bliss, having done it all mostly alone while working full time.

Furrybutts · 02/03/2021 07:27

Oh, and your home will almost certainly be tidier!

DianaT1969 · 02/03/2021 07:33

What jumps out is that you don't communicate what you want. Why didn't you tell him that he is having the baby all eve? Express milk, hand him a bottle and disappear upstairs for a bath, go out for a walk or read a book.
Tell him what you expect and need and follow through.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 02/03/2021 07:34

How old is the baby? Is s/he bottle or breastfed? I hate lazy people as much as anyone, but depending on the answers above, maybe he’s trying to work hard and keep busy. I know lots of men who can’t settle their young babies (especially BF ones) and who go into provider / jobs mode). I would obviously be expecting him to emotionally support you and be making meals etc though.

Dreamingofvenice · 02/03/2021 07:34

I left a lazy Husband it was easier as I didnt realise how much 'work' I was doing for him washing cleaning etc I could just get on with it. But first have you tried just talking to him and asking what you would like him to do sometimes we forget people arnt mind readers and we just need to communicate better

ohwaitthatwasme · 02/03/2021 07:39

It sounds like there is something 'wrong' in the relationship for you to jump straight to leaving him. Have you actually sat down and spoken about this?

Ultimately if you are doing it all anyway, you might as well be doing it all without this lazy man in your way.

Odile13 · 02/03/2021 07:40

What does he say when you ask him? If you said “I don’t think it’s fair that because I’m the mum you think I should look after our baby 24/7 with hardly any breaks?”

Ask him that and other similar questions. “Why do you think you should get a couple of hours free in the evening after work but I don’t?” See what he says.

Odile13 · 02/03/2021 07:42

Actually, the first one I wrote above isn’t a question, it’s a statement. But hopefully you get the picture!

ukgift2016 · 02/03/2021 07:44

I was better off as my ex would have contact time and I would have a whole day free.

My ex just never enjoyed family life.

JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 02/03/2021 07:47

I ended up having a lot less work to do. I spent way less time asking him to do stuff that he should have just done and trying to 'communicate' as someone suggested upthread. It was exhausting.
Then we split up and suddenly I had way more free time because not only did he have DS part of the time but I no longer had to look after DH too.
It was like going from two full time children and their accompanying mess to only one part time.

imyournextdoorneighbour · 02/03/2021 07:47

When I kicked out my ex the relief was enormous. Yes I had 100% of the responsibility but I did what I wanted when I wanted how I wanted. As a PP said, you have no resentment - it is liberating!

Original poster
Pigeoninthechimney · 02/03/2021 08:04

I’m not sure he’d have her weekends to be honest. And I’d miss her.

OP posts:
cookiedoughsweetiepie · 02/03/2021 08:16

Its hard. But when you ditch the mental torture of someone watching you struggle day in and out and you march to the beat of your own drum-it is liberating and you feel very free.

However, the problem here is about communication and expectation. And some marriages do come back from where you are now if this is the only/main problem. Agree with previous poster who says he needs to be given a chance to understand how bad its got. Also, some people need to be asked for help very explicitly but then are very happy to give it. Do not be indignant about having to ask him to do his share. I get it. But it won't get you out of this rut.

It needs sorting as otherwise when you return to work from maternity leave/have more kids you will end up doing it all for ever. And there are many many threads on here about this.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If i had been clearer about my needs and made it clear they were actual needs-and not me nagging. I may have saved my first marriage.

RandomMess · 02/03/2021 08:24

You should be having equal leisure time.

Some of your leisure time could be during the day when baby sleeps or you could be using it to do housework etc.

However it seems like your DH is getting 2+ hours per day "free" time. You need to start booking in your leisure/hobby time on the calendar and he looks after baby then.

Moirarose2021 · 02/03/2021 08:29

My ex didn't take dc for a few years but I didn't find I had more work. When he didn't do anything, the resentment took up energy. Knowing you have to do it, you just do it. Having to do someone else's share is soul destroying and takes up your energy

Original poster
Pigeoninthechimney · 02/03/2021 08:30

Baby only sleeps on me or in the pram, sling etc. Not sure it that counts as leisure time. I guess it’s just OH has all evening and weekend and nights free. But he would if he split too.

OP posts:
Chimeraforce · 02/03/2021 08:32

Depends. You may get lucky and he has child EOW so you'll get more rest.
Or he may be absent and you'll never get a break (unless at work).

notacooldad · 02/03/2021 08:34

Have you actually talked to him and told him he is missing out on creating a bond with his daughter?

BlueSoop · 02/03/2021 08:41

You’re better off if you leave. You’ll lose the tiny amount of childcare he does but will still gain from not doing his laundry, cooking or cleaning up after him. You won’t have to have sex with him or have his lazy hands on your body. You’ll have a chance of meeting someone else who is a supportive partner. And he might step up and do one days parenting at the weekend.

The only issue I can see is if you’re not working at present you’d have to find a job during a recession and put your baby in childcare during a pandemic. That may mean you have to stay put for a while purely for money reasons.

Dery · 02/03/2021 08:45

As a PP flagged, what isn’t clear is how much you’ve explicitly asked him to do. It’s daft - and shouldn’t be necessary - but I think a lot of dads have to have matters around care of the baby spelt out to them. My DH was a hands-on dad but at the beginning often needed to be told what to do. I don’t know whether this is the result of millennia of socialisation or what but I think it’s common.

It jumped out at me also that when he was off tinkering with his bike and you were struggling to settle her, you don’t seem to have just said - come here, I need you to take over. I agree it should have been obvious but if you’ve got to a place that your baby only sleeps with you, it suggests that he may have come to feel incapable round your baby.

The early years of parenting put a huge strain on even strong happy relationships. You loved this man enough to choose to have a child with him. It may be that he is a complete arsehole and you are just better off without him. And perhaps you’ve talked about division of labour around the parenting already, many times, and nothing has changed. But if that isn’t the case, it would probably make sense to have some really serious discussions about the requirement for him to parent his child when he’s home. In the early stages of children, no-one has serious time for a hobby. Working parents parent when they come home. They don’t get a break. That’s why the early years of parenting are so demanding. He needs to realise that.