If I left OH, would I not just be creating more work for myself?

[Pigeoninthechimney]

My oh does next to nothing with our baby. Yesterday I had her from waking right through the day. OH was working (from home) so fair enough. But then 5 came and he was messing about with his bike. He was in the dining room and we were in the lounge so he must have been able to hear baby fussing and crying and me trying to comfort her but just carried in with his bike. Eventually came through at 7, I had ten minutes while I ate something then I had her back. He then had her for about twenty/thirty minutes and then I went to bed with her and did then night.

That’s a typical day, more or less, although to be fair to him he sometimes does a bit more and sometimes will have her at 7 if I’m really tired.

But it’s not a lot and I am starting to seriously wonder about leaving. I have to stress though this isn’t an unkind abusive man. Just lazy. OTOH he does work FT and he earns a good salary.

I feel so much resentment over it all though.

@Pigeoninthechimney

I’m sure telling some people not to be so wet is helpful but it’s just made me feel really bad so I’ll leave it there. I know I’m not assertive but I can’t help that, i can’t just change because of people on mn saying how it should be.

Ok, stuff the work baby balance. If you can't tell your partner what you need you're in for a life of misery.

Walk into the room, say I'm going for a shower, can you come and have the baby please.

Get up on a Saturday l, say I need something from the shops, I'll be an hour and go

This doesn't really make sense, you're not assertive enough to communicate your feelings to OH. But you'll leave him?

You don't have to start barking orders at him to get your point across. Have you given him any indication that you feel the childcare workload is unbalanced and it's making you unhappy?

It sounds like there's more to this. How are you afraid of him reacting? Does he have a tendency to be dismissive.

Ultimately you have nothing to lose by talking to him, his response it may confirm your thoughts on leaving.

Don’t think of it as him ‘helping’ you, think of it as him parenting his own child.

Please try to shift your thinking to this OP.

I’m not saying I’m going to leave and if I do it is a timescale of years not days.

However yes I am wondering if our relationship will survive as we don’t talk or make love or in all honesty have much fun. Some of that’s lockdown but some is just me never having a spare minute.

Honestly the best thing you can do is try and have a chat and explain how you're feeling. I realise that's easier said than done with a newborn

How old is baby?

Do they bf?

In all honesty do you tend to do it all before he has a chance?

And no, if you don't talk it won't, or it'll be misery. Did you talk before baby?

It depends what you mean. No longer bf.

"In all honesty do you tend to do it all before he has a chance?"

It sounds that way. You need to have a long heart to heart with him. I wouldn't be surprised if he's feeling like he can't get a look in and that he can't do things as well as you do so has just stopped trying.

Don't just sit there building up resentment, nip it in the bud. The default option shouldn't be to just leave him.

How old is she?

I mean if baby is on the basket and cries do you jump up immediately and grab her or give him a meaningful look which he ignores?

When you finish your meal does he immediately throw the baby back at you or do you take her back?

I’m not sure what you mean by on the basket sorry. I’m now feeling it’s all my fault!

It isn't your fault, you're falling into the new Mom trap is all.

You're so used to doing it all, esp having br that it's hard to just step back and let him do it. And he's so used to you doing it all he doesn't offer.

If she's in her moses basket / on the play mat / in her cot and she cries do you ever let him go and fetch her?

If she fills her nappy, do you immediately take her and change her even if he's sat there?

Do you come and take the baby from him when you finish dinner / come down from a shower because you feel you that's what you should do?

It isn't about blame pigeon, it's about helping you to catch a breath

It's pretty normal not to have any time to talk or have fun or have sex with a newborn. A baby is all consuming for a while. The only time DH and I talked when we had our first baby was when we were walking together with baby in a sling or driving and baby was asleep in the back. DH was also pretty useless at first with our first baby - he tried but I was BF and he did seem to assume that, just as my breasts knew how to make milk, I somehow knew what to do with a baby magically. It took me losing my shit a few times, calling him on his assumptions that I would be default parent and pointing out that I knew no more than he did when the baby was born and he got better. He was much, much, much better with our second baby - as was I - because we both had experience and understood babies a lot better.

All this to say that he could be a useless waster but this could also be fairly normal wobbles and I think it's premature to decide to leave. You have to tell him he's not cutting it and he needs to step up. How he responds to that will shape what happens next.

Oh I see. To be honest she doesn’t like being put down. Someone nearly always has to hold her although she will go in her dockatot next to me. So he generally has her while I eat and then he sometimes swings her to sleep if it’s a tricky evening.

he might resent you for hogging the baby

Talk with him about being a family. If you're used to being with baby all the time he may feel he's interfering and if so could back away from being dad. It takes time and practice to build confidence with babies and realise that they're not quite as fragile as they seem.

I’m sure telling some people not to be so wet is helpful but it’s just made me feel really bad so I’ll leave it there
Well I am sorry it sounds harsh.
I couldn't think of another word to use to someone who can't say to their partner ' hey, take the baby will you!'

However yes I am wondering if our relationship will survive as we don’t talk or make love or in all honesty have much fun. Some of that’s lockdown but some is just me never having a spare minute
Thats often quite normal especially over the last year its been like no other but it helps if you work as a team and communicate. You dont have to have sex to be intimate and close.
Some happy memories are 3 of us snuggling up on the settee when Ds1 was a baby.

Do you see him as an equal parent or do you feel that it's your job to look after her? When she cries do you go & get her or do you wait to see if he does? Next time you are both sitting there & she cries just wait to see what he does. If he looks at you or asks if you're going to get her just say "it's your turn". You say your not assertive, I'd highly recommend you start working on that. There lots of YouTube videos on how to build self esteem etc...You could end your relationship if you want but if you can't communicate your needs assertively then the next bloke will treat you the same. It's up to you now to set the bar on how you wish to parent your child so working on your assertiveness is the first place to start IMO

If you spoke to him about how you feel and he was not stepping up that would be different. He doesn’t seem to know and men aren’t mind readers. You really do have to spell out your needs and expectations. He might surprise you. It’s unfair on him to build resentment without him having any opportunity to do anything. What would you like to happen in the evenings and weekends? It’s not being needy or confrontational, it will help you be a better person, mum and wife because you won’t feel frustrated. We all loved our babies but everyone needs downtime.
When I stopped bf it was the moment the baby duties were split in half and I was able to go out on my own etc. You said you’re not bf so he should be able to settle her with a bottle etc. If she’s used to you doing things, she will get used to him soon enough. It’s good for him to get this time with his baby to bond and to feel he can look after her alone and good for you too to have a break.
Please do talk to him

Perhaps you would benefit from some counselling.

)Your DP can look after the baby whilst you do it)

It seems that you struggle to accept that your needs & wants are reasonable and you seem to struggle that you have the right to express them and and ask your DP to fulfil them.

Do you feel like you could create an evening routine so that DP looks after baby whilst you cook. You then eat dinner together. DP then baths, get baby ready for bed and gives her a bottle?

In the mornings he looks after baby whilst you get up for the day before he starts work?

Do you feel you could ask that this starts happening?

Ok so what happens after dinner? Has he already had his or does he then eat?

I know I’m not assertive but I can’t help that

Of course you can help it OP. You just need to learn how, and put it into practise.

Women are generally socially conditioned to not be assertive. There are lots of misogynist words for women who are - "bossy", "shrill", "nag", "bitch", "demanding". Men who benefit from women's lack of assertion like to keep them "in their place" with derogatory terms like this.

Did you grow up watching your mum never assert herself to a man?

Or look at it this way. Your baby cannot walk, and she can't help that. Right? But you will teach her to walk. Because she needs to learn. And she will learn, and she will walk, maybe she'll even be an olympic sprinter one day! But it all starts with a first step.

I get that it's really hard to start naming your needs and setting boundaries, when you've been told and shown all your life that your needs don't matter. They do matter. You matter.

This book might help you:
A Woman In Your Own Right: Assertiveness And You by Anne Dickson

Good luck

One way of looking at it is, if you get sick or die then he will be all she's got, so he needs to build a relationship with her and know all about how to look after her, and keep up practice.

Yes we all may think that in reality he'd just dump her on his Mum, or your Mum, and maybe so, but it might be hard for him to admit...

Another thought, do either of you have any decent-Dad friends who could be a good role model or have a chat with him?

Lastly, what happens if you just burst into tears, thrust the baby into his arms, sob
"I haven't had any fee time in a month, this can't carry on!",
then flee and lock yourself in the bathroom?

If none of the above work and he's just irredeemably useless then