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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If I left OH, would I not just be creating more work for myself?

72 replies

Pigeoninthechimney · 02/03/2021 06:00

My oh does next to nothing with our baby. Yesterday I had her from waking right through the day. OH was working (from home) so fair enough. But then 5 came and he was messing about with his bike. He was in the dining room and we were in the lounge so he must have been able to hear baby fussing and crying and me trying to comfort her but just carried in with his bike. Eventually came through at 7, I had ten minutes while I ate something then I had her back. He then had her for about twenty/thirty minutes and then I went to bed with her and did then night.

That’s a typical day, more or less, although to be fair to him he sometimes does a bit more and sometimes will have her at 7 if I’m really tired.

But it’s not a lot and I am starting to seriously wonder about leaving. I have to stress though this isn’t an unkind abusive man. Just lazy. OTOH he does work FT and he earns a good salary.

I feel so much resentment over it all though.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 02/03/2021 08:47

Erm no looking after the baby is NOT leisure time!!!

He needs to take over looking after the baby so you get time off from everything to do something for you. Have a long bath or shower, read a book, go out for a walk, do some exercises - whatever it is you start doing it everyday. At weekends you get several hours off too.

If he is looking after the baby whilst you do housework that is not leisure time for either of you.

HappyAsASandboy · 02/03/2021 08:48

Is he generally lazy, or just with the bab?

I'll get flamed on here for "accepting" little help with our babies, but want to say that sometimes lack of help with the baby isn't the be all and end all.

My DH has never been hands on with our babies (and we have four of them, so there's been time to learn a bad practise!). He will play with the baby for 20 mins if I ask him to, or take the pram out for a walk for a bit, but default care is mine pretty much 24/7. When I had our first two (twins) I felt so abandoned and came close to ending things, but I am so glad I didn't have the time to follow that through!

He is just a bit clueless when it comes to babies. Doesn't really grasp the relentless "doing-almost-but-never-quite-nothing-ness" of baby care. But he absolutely picks up his effort everywhere else. I can walk away from the dinner table to take the baby to bed, and 99% of the time he'll completely clear down the kitchen, load the dishwasher etc while I am doing bedtime. I can feed the baby in bed in the morning knowing that he'll unload the dishwasher and reload it if there were any pots left from the night before. He'll probably bring me a coffee in bed too.

He is much better with our older children. Takes them out on bikes, includes them in whatever he's doing in the garden/garage/washing cars. Helps them with homework. Builds them a tennis net in the garden. He finds older children much easier to spend time with.

In short, although being left with the baby for long days and not feeling part of a "team" during the baby days is hard, really really hard, it is only a short time. If your DH has other redeeming features, don't be too quick to throw away your marriage because he's not very good at one pet of it, which might last only a few short years.

RandomMess · 02/03/2021 08:49

I think some men see the baby as the their DP "hobby" that you absolutely love doing it all!!

You need to spell it out to him for sure that you need time "off" too and that he needs to create a bond and know how to look after his DD as soon enough you'll be going out and about whilst he looks after her.

Labobo · 02/03/2021 08:50

Start my talking to him. Explain that it's relentless and you need a proper break every day and a half day break, minimum at weekends, where you have a lie in and then go out on your won for a walk, or have a long uninterrupted soak in the bath, or whatever restores you.

Make it very clear, unemotional and absolutely non negotiable.

Silenceisgolden20 · 02/03/2021 08:52

What was it like before you had the baby? Seems extreme to go straight to leaving him before talking it through.
Has it been like this for a while?

Original poster

Pigeoninthechimney · 02/03/2021 08:54

It’s been like this since dd was maybe 4 weeks ish. Maybe just bad patterns and habits.

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 02/03/2021 08:56

Did he want a baby?

DavidsSchitt · 02/03/2021 09:00

You're baby is still very young and you don't appear to be communicating with him at all.

The first thing to do is to speak to him. What does he say about things?

DavidsSchitt · 02/03/2021 09:02

Also, regardless of whether you'd miss her, he can get access to his child and most probably will do.

You can't stop him from doing that

RandomMess · 02/03/2021 09:03

How old is DD now and have you tried to speak to him about it?

If you have instinctively got on with doing all her care it genuinely may not have occurred to him that you are unhappy about it.

It is a common issue that the mothers life changes massively when they have a baby and the fathers if they are working not much at all. If this is allowed to happen then use the resentment is huge!!!

Original poster

Pigeoninthechimney · 02/03/2021 09:04

Constantly asking for help just makes me feel bad, though, as if I don’t want dd or as if I can’t cope. david I didn’t say I would stop him. I said I would miss her, in other words that might keep me here.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 02/03/2021 09:11

It's not asking for help!!! You are asking him to share the parenting when he isn't at work.

Ask him how much he enjoys tinkering with his bike and riding it. Then tell him you need to unwind too and you both should have the same time to yourselves.

Also explain that you are not DDs default carer when you are both home and he needs to share this responsibility.

Far better to allocate him specific time to look after her that works for you both.

DH used to take over when he got in from work so I could be alone in the kitchen. I would make dinner we would eat together. Then the evening was spent together or one of us doing our activity whilst the other looked after the DC.

My DC slept on their own so didn't have that issue.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/03/2021 09:17

You need to stop being embarrassed about asking for help and start telling him what he needs to do and what you need.

Lim not exclusing him but I wonder if his version involves "she hands me the baby so she can eat and have a shower' but other than that I never get a look in, she bf so I can't help at night, she never asks me to do anything"

Now of course he shouldn't need asking, he should walk in and be like "here, I want cuddles, I want to bath her, let me do the nappy, do you want a nap, shall I do nappy changes weekend nights so you're awake less, sleep in tomorrow and I'll bring her up when she wants a feed" but if he's a bit clueless and prone towards self absorption he may not actually realise how hard it is for you.

Tell him. Let him look after her. Hand her over bad go for a nap for a walk to the shops

Potplant · 02/03/2021 09:18

In my experience it was less work, as he had to have them for contact, so I got more time to myself than when he was here.

Also, don’t underestimate the energy expended being resentful of him.

But you seem to have gone to leaving him pretty quickly. Have you already told him he needs to do more?
Don’t be a martyr here. Tell him you’re at the end of your rope. Don’t rush your dinner, take as long as he you like. Tell him he’s doing half the bedtimes.

earlyforties · 02/03/2021 09:20

What to you mean "asking him for help?" Don't let him think he's doing you a favour, she is his child too. You seem a bit passive. Tell him your having one lie one day at the weekend & he can have a lie on on the other day. You are equal parents. Hand him the baby when she due a feed & say "I'm going for a shower now & she's due a feed". Go for walks on your own, just go & let him deal with the baby. Your letting him think that the baby is all your responsibility & you have to ask him for help.

Karwomannghia · 02/03/2021 09:20

Agree it’s communication and he is inexperienced and clueless as to what to do with the baby whereas you are an expert in comparison. If the baby is fussing, him coming in and helping would be nonsensical - how could he help? He doesn’t know what to do, the baby probably would fuss more being handled by a novice, so he’s better off leaving it to you and keep himself busy while you do what you’re good at and what the baby likes best.
Obviously this situation can change but he needs more time with the baby, so when he’s not working say eg can you just play with the baby on the mat for 20 mins while I xyz or please take the baby for a walk for an hour and a half, make sure blah blah.
Yes he should be able to do this intuitively, but he’s not and he’s avoiding trying.

NotSeenBulling · 02/03/2021 09:24

I think an awful lot of men do the bare minimum in all their roles bar their hobby. They are also often low in emotional intelligence and can't pick stuff up like women can. Maybe sit down and have a frank discussion with him. It will bring clarity and he might step up. Tell him you are starting to see him as another kid and it's not sexy.

Original poster

Pigeoninthechimney · 02/03/2021 09:33

I don’t see him as another kid but I do feel rubbish. Oh well. I can’t imagine having the sorts of conversations I’m told to here!

OP posts:

notacooldad · 02/03/2021 09:34

Constantly asking for help just makes me feel bad, though, as if I don’t want dd or as if I can’t cope
Ask for help?? Are you joking.
You need to change your mind set.
Its not asking for help its telling him to parent his child.
Don't be so wet. Tell him to stop tinkering with the bike and look after his daughter like a proper dad would!

MajesticWhine · 02/03/2021 09:36

You need to work on expressing your needs and asking for him to play his part. You shouldn't feel bad about it. You have been programmed in some way to assume you should feel bad about having needs. This can get drummed into us from a young age. But time to start making changes and not accepting this situation. Otherwise you are effectively allowing him to carry on tinkering with his bike, unless you spell it out to him.

notacooldad · 02/03/2021 09:37

I can’t imagine having the sorts of conversations I’m told to here!
Why?
Can't you say ' hey come in here, Elsie, (or whatever her name is) needs to see her dad!! And leave her with him. Just say that your going for a bath, having a brew etc and she needs to get ready for bed.
Once you've been assertive the next time it'll be a bit easier.

Original poster

Pigeoninthechimney · 02/03/2021 09:38

I’m sure telling some people not to be so wet is helpful but it’s just made me feel really bad so I’ll leave it there. I know I’m not assertive but I can’t help that, i can’t just change because of people on mn saying how it should be.

OP posts:

Mundayblues · 02/03/2021 09:44

How is he with the baby? Does he need more help with helping with her? Perhaps he’s tinkering on his bike because he is feeling useless and doesn’t know how he can help you? It certainly sounds like something you can work on together by communicating and helping each other. Don’t give up!

Potplant · 02/03/2021 09:45

Don’t think of it as him ‘helping’ you, think of it as him parenting his own child.
He might be a useless waste of space, he might be a bit clueless, he might resent you for hogging the baby. You won’t know unless you talk to him about it and at least try and make some changes.

Don’t get stuck being the default parent.

Pemberleys · 02/03/2021 09:47

@Pigeoninthechimney

But considering leaving your partner over an issue that could be resolved with better communication is a bit drastic. New parenthood take a huge toll on even the strongest relationships.

I agree with comments than some men feel clueless about new babies and make the assumption that new mothers just know what they're doing, and do so effortlessly.

Maybe start with small steps and give DP the baby while you go for a bath. Ask him to take her for a walk while you get on with something else. Get him to bath her. Once he builds up a bond and a bit of confidence it will hopefully get easier.

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