I've just found his secret email account

[Chopbob]

This morning I was a very happily married mum of 2 small DC. Now I feel like my life has been ruined but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not.

I logged on my ds laptop this morning for home school and realised it was in incognito mode. Then I realised the internet had been left open. It was porn site where my "dh" has apparently been messaging other women for 8 years. He has sent loads of explicit pictures and has also received lots too. Some women he has been speaking to for months.

I have confronted him this evening- he denies he has ever met anyone irl but he did agree to give me the login details so I can see for myself.

Upon further delving, I found a secret email address which I have guessed the password for. He has been emailing prostitutes for prices are what services they provide. I'm absolutely broken. This has been going on since 2008.

He obviously denies ever meeting them, he was just curious. I know this is a lie.

I'm just hurting so much. He was my best friend. We have been together since childhood. I feel like our whole life is a lie.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I have 2 small dc and I'm left with the option of separation and being alone and a single mum, or continuing to live with a liar.

The worst part is I actually really miss him. I realise how pathetic this is.

[mummywantstobeslim]

Very sorry to read this op. I havent read the whole thread but I personally couldn't live with or be married to a man like this. You deserve better.
I don't mean to upset you but you should also consider tests for sti diseases.

[SionnachGlic]

OP

In response to your earlier post...you won't be alone. You have your DC, your family rallying around, your friends. You will just be without someone who has betrayed ypur love & that you cannot trust. But only you can decide if you want an honest, true life for yourself or if you want to be suspicious, watchful, untrusting, uncertain together with him.

Single parenthood isn't easy but it is happier eventually knowing that you stood up for yourself & choose a better life. And the road ahead with him will be much harder I think. He hasn't valued all you have together. Since 2008. He has hidden himself, lied & most likely cheated. You deserve better. If you stay, you'll likely be back in this space before long, questioning it all & yourself. Rally all the support you have, ask them to stand behind you & help you if you decide to leave....they can be your strength until you find yours. And when I say leave, I mean the marriage...not your home. I'd be getting the bin bags out about now...

[Loopyloututu2]

There's nothing lacking in you

These guys like strangers because only strangers can reflect back their own perception of themselves. And that's what turns them on.

Somebody who knows them can't reflect back who they WISH they were.

This is so true. I always think of these men as “hollow men” - by shagging random, faceless (to them) women they are trying to fill a void within themselves, that can never be filled. I don’t even think they know themselves what they’re looking for - nothing will ever be enough. They’ll always be looking for the next thrill or kink.

This happened to a friend of mine, she’s gorgeous and a lovely person - she modelled when she was younger and her dh was older and average looking - everybody always joked that he was “batting”. She confided in me that he always wanted “porn sex” and she did all sorts to keep him happy - anal, bondage, letting him film etc. Then she found out he’d been on affair websites and scoping out prostitutes etc. He denied it same as Op’s dh but she didn’t believe him and suffered many more tortuous years feeling insecure and paranoid. She eventually left him for someone else and is now happy with her 2nd husband. I know she wishes she hadn’t wasted so much time on the first one though. I honestly think he had some kind of inferiority complex or personality disorder - he had a perfect life and an amazing wife and he just threw it all away for a cheap thrill.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

You don't miss him OP, you miss the person he pretended to be.

What the fuck is the matter with these people, I just don't get why they can't do everyone a favour and do this seedy shut as a single person.

Sorry 💐

[Closetbeanmuncher]

There's nothing lacking in you

These guys like strangers because only strangers can reflect back their own perception of themselves. And that's what turns them on

I always think of these men as “hollow men” - by shagging random, faceless (to them) women they are trying to fill a void within themselves, that can never be filled. I don’t even think they know themselves what they’re looking for - nothing will ever be enough. They’ll always be looking for the next thrill or kink

All if this is spot on, I've come across a couple of these in my time. Always looking to create and compartmentalize some alter ego, and are incapable of authentic intimacy with anyone.

[oil0W0lio]

her dh was older and average looking - everybody always joked that he was “batting”. She confided in me that he always wanted “porn sex” and she did all sorts to keep him happy - anal, bondage, letting him film etc. Then she found out he’d been on affair websites and scoping out prostitutes etc
He doesn't like being the 'minor' partner in the relationship (ie not the hot one) so he elevates his own status by denigrating her sexually and cheating on her, it's all about subordinating the woman so that he can feel powerful and in control ☹️

[caringcarer]

You have unwittingly been living s lie for 8 years. He has been lying to you every day. Using your DC laptop to store his disgusting porn and prostitute details is so devious and shows the little regard he holds his child in too. You should get a sex clinic appoint ment for full sexual health check up. He could have given you sexual infection. Clearly he is most likely addicted to porn. There is no way back for your marriage. It is a sham. I would divorce him and take him for every penny I could. I would worry about him having unsupervised access to children too. LTB

[SussexCharm2000]

I am so sorry but please know it will be ok.

I want to give you some hope.... I discovered various affairs 10 years ago and found the strength to end my marriage.

Best Decision Ever.

A man who can treat you that way does not deserve your love or friendship. And if he can do that he is most probably not treating you well in other ways (Over time we can normalize bad behaviors and only see them when we are away from the situation).

10 years on - he is still unhappy and unsettled and missed so many happy times with his children.

10 years on the children and I have not just survived but thrived. My new partner is the kindest most loving chap you could wish to meet. We are happy and they have grown up knowing what healthy relationships look like.

At the time it happened it felt so awful but I would not change a thing now - we are so happy and content without him.

[justilou1]

Please don’t attempt to take on any responsibility for the decisions he’s made here. These were HIS CHOICES. HIS!!! When you said that you weren’t enough for him, you know that’s not true... He’s too much of an emotional toddler to be in a committed, loving, respectful, adult relationship with any woman, or there is no way he would be able to treat you - or them - with such disdain. I bet he has other misogynistic tendencies that make your skin crawl, but you have been minimising for years as well, too.

[everyonebutme]

A similar thing happened to me when my children were very young. I tried continuing with the marriage for another 10 or so years but it was awful. Obviously I never trusted him so was always looking out to see what he was up to and there was no intimacy anymore. He was no longer the person I married and I could no longer trust him. I continued for the children and the good family life, home, etc and to the outside world we had a good marriage (I had never told anyone). Eventually I found evidence he was having an affair and eventually I divorced him. I feel as though I lost many years through not divorcing him sooner and had many years of unhappiness but kept a brave face for my children and the outside world.

[bestguesstimate]

@justilou1

Please don’t attempt to take on any responsibility for the decisions he’s made here. These were HIS CHOICES. HIS!!! When you said that you weren’t enough for him, you know that’s not true... He’s too much of an emotional toddler to be in a committed, loving, respectful, adult relationship with any woman, or there is no way he would be able to treat you - or them - with such disdain. I bet he has other misogynistic tendencies that make your skin crawl, but you have been minimising for years as well, too.

Emotional toddler is right. When I was 14 I came home from school and turned on my computer to find links for porn and prostitution (‘punting’) sites, including reviews of prostitutes, in my internet history. I called my dad and asked if he’d been using my computer earlier that day. He said he had, but didn’t say why. When I showed him about these sites in my internet history he said my computer must have a virus. He’d been working from home and of course couldn’t look up such sites on his work computer in the other room. Great to know as 14 year old me that my dad had been wanking and booking and possibly reviewing sex workers in my room.
I wish my mum had had the guts to leave him many years before that incident. He was a misogynist and had numerous affairs and dalliances, and would always turn the blame around on others. I never saw a happy and healthy marriage/ relationship modelled. I know your boy is just 6 but I believe kids can pick up on the emotional undercurrents between their parents. My dad caused a lot of emotional damage over the years which I’m only really over years later. I truly believe my mum and siblings and I would have been so so much happier and emotionally and psychologically healthier if we’d not lived with him.
You don’t deserve any of this bullshit, which is nothing to do with you by the way. He’s pathetic and it’s all his doing. For your sake and your sons, get your ducks in a row and leave the twat

[ThrowingAShellstrop]

HE’S not enough OP. HE’S not enough. It’s not you it’s HIM. He’s not good enough for you and you deserve a whole world better than him.

[Dontbeme]

For all the posters advising the OP to have a cosy chat over a nice cup of tea and get over her tantrum that her husband has been gadding about with prostitutes, have you ever read a post here or anywhere else where a man came on to seek advice about his wife cheating and he was told to get over it?

I certainly haven't, not once can I remember reading, hearing about or seeing in real life a bloke told to get over it and think of holding the family together for the kids, not once told that he should acknowledge his role in the marriage lacking in some way, the advice is always "bin the slag". It seems only women are told to swallow down bullshit and call it cake.

OP I second the advice to contact the Laurel Centre, they have books or an online forum for advice if you prefer. thelaurelcentre.co.uk/

[SugarfreeBlitz]

@Anotherpointofview2174567

Maybe ask him why and try talking before throwing your marriage away. There was obviously something missing in your relationship

What? Do you have any idea how ridiculous that accusation is? Did you read the post, he's done it for eight years. That's not an accident, and it's likely gone on longer than that. I ended a relationship with a man who was addicted to prostitutes myself (and it was people like you that made me feel bad)

Men who use prostitutes use them because it's their kink. It's their choice. They like it. Like another person said, they were always available for sx - and it still wasn't enough. Some men just have addictions, end of. To blame their partner is absolutely unbelieveable. So, if IM addicted to glue, is that my partners fault for not meeting my emotional needs? So, if IM* using porn is that my partners fault for not meeting my sexual needs?

Oh no... because it's people like you who woman shame without knowing all the facts. No one needs that judgemental nonsense when it's the person cheated on who should be supported.

[SugarfreeBlitz]

Actually, anyone who tries to blame a woman's partner for him cheating is a very nasty piece of work.

HE needs to take responsibility for having cheated for multiple years and in fact living a double life. He wouldn't be the first man and won't be the last to do this.

Using his son's laptop for porn and prostitution is actually a Child Protection issue and I hope this gets raised with Child Protection Services. This is extremely inappropriate behaviour and anyone who actually thinks it's not the "poor mans" fault needs to look at themselves and ask themselves about their enabling behaviour. What if the 6 year old child found that? Is that his wife's fault too?!! How ridiculous to explain away a grown man's sex addiction and make it his wife's fault.

Enabling an addict is not a good idea. It's never a good idea to make excuses for someone's addiction. Unless that person wants help and freedom from their addiction, everyone is wasting their time who is in a relationship with them.

SEX ADDICTION can be caused by a genetic predisposition to emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, or sensation-seeking behavior, If someone is inclined towards impulsive behavior and have high levels of sex-related hormones, they will be more likely to engage in excess sexual activities. They get addicted to it after the rush of endorphins and if you want to understand this, read how fetishes develop

Do NOT accuse women of being responsible for their men having a sex addiction. OP deserves support and healing, not condemnation. The only help for those men is therapy (and even then they would have to want to turn their back on something that brings them pleasure or it would not work)

Unfortunately there are many men with a sexual addiction. Many of them lead secret lives, spending money that is designated for housing and food so that their families go without adequate food and clothing. Some of them have carefully constructed respectable social images so that no one would ever believe what they were doing. If found out they will smear their ex to save their skin. Cowards. And shame on anyone who supports them.

You wouldn't enable a drug addict or an alcoholic (or if you would you need to read about codependancy)

Stop bashing women who have been betrayed Disgraceful behaviour! Shame on YOU.

[Rosieposy89]

Hugs op. I can't imagine your devastation. His repulsive, vile behaviour isn't a reflection on you and is not a personal failing on your part. He probably would've acted like this with another partner. Focus on you and your lovely children, don't waste your energy on this man who has failed his family x

[SugarfreeBlitz]

I would love to know if all the woman shaming brigade on here would advise a man to stay with his wife if SHE was the one using prostitutes for several years, leading a double life?

I wonder if they would blame him and say he must not have been catering to her sexual appetites. Turning the tables a bit to see what would happen if the boot were on the other foot! What's good for the goose is good for the gander?

[GrandTheftWalrus]

My exh done this for years and I stuck with him because I didn't think anyone else would want me. I should've left well before I did.

He said he was curious because he had only ever been with me and didn't meet anyone etc. I had photos that proved otherwise.

[Redruby2020]

@Chopbob

I also took screen shots of everything. I have forwarded all of the emails to myself so I have all of the proof

That's good glad you did that. Absolutely devastating, give yourself time, other usual stuff has to be done so that should help keep you busy, time does help, what bothers you now won't feel the same in time to come, good that he's gone to stay with DM, and rightly so, space is needed here. Think about what you might want to say when you next speak. Sometimes people want to know why someone did what they did etc, others don't, it's whatever helps you.

[ktp100]

@Chopbob

Anotherpointofview2174567 is right though. Clearly something was missing. I just wasn't enough and I don't know why 😭

Some men are just sleazy bastard who get off on shagging dirty skanks.

NOTHING you could have done within your marriage would have stopped the enjoyment he got from sneaking around on these grim sites, chatting to fellow wrong 'uns.

HE'S THE PIECE OF SHIT, NOT YOU!!

Don't internalise this and let ANYONE suggest you are in the wrong at all. That's some victim blaming buillshit.

He chose to look for prostitutes etc while married with 2 small babies at home. That's HIS disgrace, not yours.

[Itstimetoquit]

How are you op x

[Takeitonthechin]

I think when someone goes down this route of watching porn, needing others to turn them on... it doesn't matter who they are with whether it's you or another partner, they will always cheat and do this. Do you want to go through the rest of your life wondering what he's doing when you're out and he's at home or you're in different rooms, you will drive yourself crazy OP and it's not a life to bring up children. The more he does it, the more he will need it.
Cut your losses for your sanity and the kids, you will eventually get over him.
Put yourself and the kids first, in the end you will be pleased you have.

[justilou1]

Please, whatever you do, don’t be guilt-tripped into protecting his reputation amongst your friends and family, either. Sure as shit stinks, he’s going to go straight into damage control by doing everything he can to discredit yours with them. He’s going to attempt to make you look like a lunatic any chance he gets. Be prepared... He’s going to act all hurt, as though you’re “accusing him” of the most nefarious deeds, and they would never, ever have crossed his mind. Show proof. You have the evidence.

[SugarfreeBlitz]

@GrandTheftWalrus

My exh done this for years and I stuck with him because I didn't think anyone else would want me. I should've left well before I did.

He said he was curious because he had only ever been with me and didn't meet anyone etc. I had photos that proved otherwise.

Me too

I felt less of a woman ( a complete failure) but the whole relationship was abusive, not just his secret life. I left him after I got pregnant and he made it clear he didn't want another child. I have never looked back or regretted it. He did smear me and slander me so I lost a lot of friends that took his side. That hurt. But I have a lovely new life now.

Those men lie a lot, it's their currency. They appear respectable and lead a whole secret life. If only people actually understood this.

[GrandTheftWalrus]

Yeah all our friends took his side. I didn't really care. I'm just glad I didn't have kids with him. We had been trying for 6 years before I found out.

Now with a lovely dh and a 4yo dd and another on the way