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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just found his secret email account

134 replies

Chopbob · 01/03/2021 23:27

This morning I was a very happily married mum of 2 small DC. Now I feel like my life has been ruined but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not.

I logged on my ds laptop this morning for home school and realised it was in incognito mode. Then I realised the internet had been left open. It was porn site where my "dh" has apparently been messaging other women for 8 years. He has sent loads of explicit pictures and has also received lots too. Some women he has been speaking to for months.

I have confronted him this evening- he denies he has ever met anyone irl but he did agree to give me the login details so I can see for myself.

Upon further delving, I found a secret email address which I have guessed the password for. He has been emailing prostitutes for prices are what services they provide. I'm absolutely broken. This has been going on since 2008.

He obviously denies ever meeting them, he was just curious. I know this is a lie.

I'm just hurting so much. He was my best friend. We have been together since childhood. I feel like our whole life is a lie.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I have 2 small dc and I'm left with the option of separation and being alone and a single mum, or continuing to live with a liar.

The worst part is I actually really miss him. I realise how pathetic this is.

OP posts:
Peachee · 02/03/2021 20:48

My uncle did this to his wife and has continued to do it ever since the first time she found out.. there was also an incident where the police was involved and they found two hidden laptops elsewhere in the house..
It’s so gut wrenching and so hard but please please don’t be my uncles wife. You deserve so much more respect.

Anotherpointofview2174567 · 02/03/2021 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SirGawain · 02/03/2021 21:05

@Chopbob

I also took screen shots of everything. I have forwarded all of the emails to myself so I have all of the proof
Make sure he can't guess you email password so he can login and delete the evidence.
biggreengrinch · 02/03/2021 21:14

@Anotherpointofview2174567

Maybe ask him why and try talking before throwing your marriage away. There was obviously something missing in your relationship
Trust? Honesty? Basic respect? All those things are missing and it's nothing to do with the op.
LindyLou2020 · 02/03/2021 21:15

@Anotherpointofview2174567

Maybe ask him why and try talking before throwing your marriage away. There was obviously something missing in your relationship
I congratulate you, I really do........ for the first vile, nasty, ignorant, bitchy post on the thread, on a platform that is supposed to be by women for women. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Original poster
Chopbob · 02/03/2021 21:16

Thanks everyone. I'm just totally broken tonight. I can't stop crying.
I do have lots of support irl- amazing family and friends. I'm just so scared of being alone. So so scared. I've only ever been with my husband.
I feel so confused and hurt. I can feel myself wavering 😭

OP posts:
YouokHun · 02/03/2021 21:18

@Anotherpointofview2174567

Maybe ask him why and try talking before throwing your marriage away. There was obviously something missing in your relationship
Don’t be so fucking silly. The decision to take the road this man has taken is on him. What was missing was his integrity.
Original poster
Chopbob · 02/03/2021 21:18

Anotherpointofview2174567 is right though. Clearly something was missing. I just wasn't enough and I don't know why 😭

OP posts:
YouokHun · 02/03/2021 21:23

@Chopbob it’s a very good thing you’ve got lots of real life support. Make sure you use it and keep talking to your supporters. You are not alone it just feels like it now. Don’t worry about the future, just focus one day at a time and keep taking support from those around you. Don’t make any decisions right now. Flowers

AnyFucker · 02/03/2021 21:24

When you feel yourself wavering just picture your 6yo child discovering what you did

Social Services would have an opinion on that and it’s not good

wandawombat · 02/03/2021 21:25

Bollocks, you are enough in the wife/mother role. Men like this are seeking novelty & escapism. You can't be all things, they need to choose to behave properly, otherwise it's just them being selfish, putting you in danger & wasting resources.

WhySoSensitive · 02/03/2021 21:26

Some of the replies gave me 😦

And Anotherpointofview2174567 is just a pillock.

NeverHadANickname · 02/03/2021 21:26

@Chopbob

Thanks everyone. I'm just totally broken tonight. I can't stop crying. I do have lots of support irl- amazing family and friends. I'm just so scared of being alone. So so scared. I've only ever been with my husband. I feel so confused and hurt. I can feel myself wavering 😭
Different circumstances but when we separated I had only been with my ex too. Couldn't see ever being with anyone else, was devastated etc. But I did it and you can do it too. You can be on your own, I even found I was happy on my own, and eventually you can find happiness again with someone else. Good luck.
YouokHun · 02/03/2021 21:30

@Chopbob

Anotherpointofview2174567 is right though. Clearly something was missing. I just wasn't enough and I don't know why 😭
No. His behaviour is not your deficit, it’s his. It has nothing to do with you not being enough, absolutely nothing. He probably would have done it whoever he was married to because it’s about him, no one else. His behaviour is entirely separate to your value. This is important!

Keep talking to people in RL. I’m so sorry it’s happened to you.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/03/2021 21:34

@Anotherpointofview2174567

Maybe ask him why and try talking before throwing your marriage away. There was obviously something missing in your relationship
Fuck off.
Joeblack066 · 02/03/2021 21:34

@Anotherpointofview2174567

Maybe ask him why and try talking before throwing your marriage away. There was obviously something missing in your relationship
WTAF?! How dare you place the blame, even minutely, on the OP? The only thing missing is your compassion and Op’s husband’s decency, morals, respect and integrity
TheyIsMyFamily · 02/03/2021 21:36

I'm so sorry, OP.

I understand you don't want to be alone, but think about it this way: you already are.

He has put pleasing his dick above your marriage. He risked his 6 year old child seeing his perverted sites and images of him being sent to women. Social Services would have a field day with that.

He has put time, effort and energy into arranging meet ups with prostitutes and likely spent a fair amount of family money on them instead of working on his marriage and family life with you and your DCs. And he's put your health on the line, too, by sticking his dick into other women.

I'm so sorry. But you need good legal advice right now.

Febo24 · 02/03/2021 21:36

@Chopbob

Anotherpointofview2174567 is right though. Clearly something was missing. I just wasn't enough and I don't know why 😭
Nope they are NOT right. It's that type of fucking nonsense that our ex's try and peddle to make it okay.

As a PP mentioned, our relationships didn't stand a chance, the lies permeate every part of that. We were excluded from it.

I'm absolutely raging at that comment, please don't think it is anything to do with you.

yetmorecrap · 02/03/2021 21:43

I can’t believe someone would bring up the ‘something missing in the marriage’ - — more often than not it seems the only thing missing was honesty , loyalty and morals — there are far too many cases on here of men behaving like utterly disgusting sleazebags simply because they ‘feel entitled to/it’s out there’ leaving utterly devastated partners who in most cases thought they were in happy relationships/marriages.

Hoorayforsunshine · 02/03/2021 21:44

Don’t leave your home, make sure that he is the one to move out.

Get legal advice ASAP on what you should do.

I’m so sorry and wish you the best of luck. You will be fine and you cannot stay with someone who has lied for so long and continues to lie.

stuckinatrap · 02/03/2021 21:45

Reported. Vile comment.

Please, OP, ignore the troll. That's what that was - pure trolling. There is not the tiniest scrap of truth in it.

You couldn't be 'enough' for him because no one is enough for him. He likes to use women for his own ends. This is nothing to do with you or even your marriage. It's about him and his entitlement and scumbag sleazy kicks.

Notabs · 02/03/2021 21:52

Nothing to do with you as a person/partner! Flowers Men seeing prostitutes/sex workers is way more common than people think. It’s like they’re acting out porn and is also a lot cheaper than people assume and many men take advantage of this. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s heartbreaking and I’m so glad you have a good support system. Flowers

2020iscancelled · 02/03/2021 21:54

The thing is OP, even if you decide to try, if you forgive him and he comes home, even if you find out the truth and he can give some kind of excuse or reasoning behind it.

You won’t forget it
You won’t forgive it

You will let him come home, you will try to make it work for the kids but you’ll never trust him. You’ll feel revolted when he tries to kiss you, touch you or want to be intimate. You’ll resent him when you argue about unrelated issues, you’ll resent him when he criticises you.

It will destroy any love you have left. You won’t respect him. You won’t respect yourself.

You’ll end up leaving him but it will be harder and messier and the kids will be older.

You love him and you miss him and you’re hurting. Completely normal and totally understandable. But the reality is you don’t know this person. He has deceived you for a decade. Mourn the loss of the person you thought you had but don’t let him back.

There is a future for you without him, you might not see it now but there is.

XingMing · 02/03/2021 21:54

I haven't read all through the thread so may be missing important information. You currently feel kicked in the face, and understandably. But you and your DP are about to kick away any children's comfort and security. If another conversation could help you all row back a bit, would that not be better?

thelake · 02/03/2021 21:56

I actually don't think this has to be the end. Marriages are for better and worse. He has done the worst. But if he is prepared to communicate with you (possibly through a counsellor) then perhaps you can move on and be stronger. It really depends on his ability to admit fault, take responsibilities and work for the future and your ability to eventually forgive