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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just found his secret email account

134 replies

Chopbob · 01/03/2021 23:27

This morning I was a very happily married mum of 2 small DC. Now I feel like my life has been ruined but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not.

I logged on my ds laptop this morning for home school and realised it was in incognito mode. Then I realised the internet had been left open. It was porn site where my "dh" has apparently been messaging other women for 8 years. He has sent loads of explicit pictures and has also received lots too. Some women he has been speaking to for months.

I have confronted him this evening- he denies he has ever met anyone irl but he did agree to give me the login details so I can see for myself.

Upon further delving, I found a secret email address which I have guessed the password for. He has been emailing prostitutes for prices are what services they provide. I'm absolutely broken. This has been going on since 2008.

He obviously denies ever meeting them, he was just curious. I know this is a lie.

I'm just hurting so much. He was my best friend. We have been together since childhood. I feel like our whole life is a lie.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I have 2 small dc and I'm left with the option of separation and being alone and a single mum, or continuing to live with a liar.

The worst part is I actually really miss him. I realise how pathetic this is.

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 02/03/2021 21:57

@XingMing

I haven't read all through the thread so may be missing important information. You currently feel kicked in the face, and understandably. But you and your DP are about to kick away any children's comfort and security. If another conversation could help you all row back a bit, would that not be better?
That would be the child whose laptop the DH was accessing porn on. As a pp has said, social services would have something to say about that, and it wouldn’t be to tell the OP to give him another chance.
AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN · 02/03/2021 21:59

Ergh what a shitbag. I don’t know what you should do but I just wanted to give you some moral support. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

AnyFucker · 02/03/2021 22:02

may be missing important information

You got that bit right

Febo24 · 02/03/2021 22:05

@XingMing

I haven't read all through the thread so may be missing important information. You currently feel kicked in the face, and understandably. But you and your DP are about to kick away any children's comfort and security. If another conversation could help you all row back a bit, would that not be better?
I disagree (having gone through similar). The choice you have is to hollow yourself out on order to make this work for everyone else except you, or you do something about it that doesn't please everyone but you retain you, your sanity, you show your kids healthy relationships.

No one thanks you for being a martyr, for the kids.

User75908 · 02/03/2021 22:07

This has nothing to do with you op. Do it blame yourself. He is an addict. A liar. A cheat. He has an issue - sex addiction. A need for confirmation from others. Believe me, whatever you do it will not change. He's broken op. That's it. You are young. You can be happy again. It's scary but just think whether you'd want you DC to be treated this way by their spouse. Rely on people around you for support. Be kind to yourself. It will take time. X

Eckhart · 02/03/2021 22:09

@Chopbob

Anotherpointofview2174567 is right though. Clearly something was missing. I just wasn't enough and I don't know why 😭
Even if something was missing, then his correct course of action would have been to talk to you, explain to you how he felt, and you could have worked together to find a solution. That's the agreement that you made when you got married. That's what marriage is.

He could have chosen a million different ways of resolving a 'my marriage isn't meeting my needs' situation. Many, many of them could have been deeply respectful of you, and your feelings.

His decision to lead a sordid secret life says everything about who made the marital mistakes here. You're absolutely right that you haven't met his needs. That's because he needs things you don't even respect. You wouldn't stoop to meet his needs. You are miles and miles above them. Do not let his gutter behaviour make you feel small.

You might be feeling shitty and I really don't blame you, but at least you can get on an exceptionally tall moral high horse here. And it's standing up a ladder. On a wall. Up a hill.

The fact that he is a revolting little man does not reflect, in the slightest, on your personal qualities or ability to be a lovely partner.

This was NOT your fault.

Febo24 · 02/03/2021 22:10

Some of the misplaced advice here shows how important it is to get the right help. If you decide to get help, I would absolutely recommend seeing someone from Laurel Centre, they are experts in sex/porn addiction and the partners of addicts. Never once was I told to get over it, or to find a way back. Instead she heard me, understood how this was effecting me and really helped me through. It saved my sanity.

Cakecakeandmorecake · 02/03/2021 22:11

The only thing ‘missing’ in your marriage as one of the comments said (stupid btw) was a decent man. This is not your fault and he would have done it in any marriage. It seemed he wanted the happy married life and to secretly use other woman.What if your DS found that? Disgusting behaviour.

I’m so sorry this happened to you but be strong. Get rid of him and you will be so much happier for it!!

I can’t give much advice really but definitely get legal and financial advice ASAP!

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 02/03/2021 22:12

Who the hell is posting tonight? Trolls or people with zero self esteem who will accept anything with a pulse and a penis. Please focus on yourself and your children and don't listen to the nutters on here who think this has any credibility as a relationship

Eckhart · 02/03/2021 22:17

@XingMing

I haven't read all through the thread so may be missing important information. You currently feel kicked in the face, and understandably. But you and your DP are about to kick away any children's comfort and security. If another conversation could help you all row back a bit, would that not be better?
Children take their comfort and security from living in a household with safety and trust. This can no longer be provided by the relationship between OP and her husband, because he has broken the trust, and risked the wellbeing of the children by carelessly viewing porn on their laptop. He has no concern for them that isn't over ridden by his desire to view porn.

How comfortable do you think they would/should have been if they'd opened the laptop instead of OP? Do you think he considered that? Do you think he was thinking of their security when he betrayed his wife and his family life by lying and deceiving for years?

Yes, the kids will be in for a bit of a shake up, but it's the kind of shake up that gets them away from something unhealthy.

Do you really think a bit of a chat is going to erase all the years of betrayal, and the home can go back to 'happy family' status?

Febo24 · 02/03/2021 22:20

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

Who the hell is posting tonight? Trolls or people with zero self esteem who will accept anything with a pulse and a penis. Please focus on yourself and your children and don't listen to the nutters on here who think this has any credibility as a relationship
TBH I have stopped explaining why I've separated, those who are close know about some of it (only a very few know all of the grim details), but I felt judged by others for not trying hard enough etc.
Chocaholic9 · 02/03/2021 22:21

There's some people on here with pretty low standards tonight.

Melange99 · 02/03/2021 22:22

The trolls might be men who do the same thing....

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 02/03/2021 22:23

I walked in on my husband wanking on camera.

Judging by friends and family, this seems to be distressingly common. In two notable cases, chasing the frisson involved the husband doing this while in the same room as family members:
with one being on view when someone opened the door to walk in;
and the second daring them almost to challenge him on his behaviour (they didn't know where to start).

Jesslyra123 · 02/03/2021 22:28

Oh my goodness! Bless your heart. I can not imagine what your feeling right now my heart broke reading this :(
There is no point giving my input on here as there’s so many messages and I’ll just be repeating things and that’s not what you need.
But I am a message away if you want to talk about anything at all! Good luck with your steps forward

MrsGulDukat · 02/03/2021 22:33

Disturbing the amount of people on this thread think it's ok that this piece of shit used his child's laptop to acccess porn and message prostitudes. The child is 6 for fuck sake!

OP, dont blame this is yourself because it aint you. He's the one he cheats and he is the one with little regard for you and women in general.

He's an absolute shit weasel.

oil0W0lio · 02/03/2021 22:34

I'm so sorry Opie, sending you strength🙏

Anotheruser02 · 02/03/2021 22:40

Something missing?? Do fuck off.

I know single men without any marriage who manage not to use prostitutes. It's a problem with him, not with the marriage.

oil0W0lio · 02/03/2021 22:43

he's been leading a double life hasn't he, you thought you were his life partner but actually you were just one member of the harem that he was building for himself😔

EKGEMS · 02/03/2021 22:43

@Anotherpointofview2174567 Your post is proof you're missing both a brain and a heart

Loopyloututu2 · 02/03/2021 22:44

To quote another poster on another (similar) thread (so, so many similar threads) “can’t we just throw all the men in a volcano or something”?

Why do so many men do this? They make me sick.

EKGEMS · 02/03/2021 22:46

@thelake What color is the sky in your utopian world?

Number3BigCupOfTea · 02/03/2021 22:49

@Chopbob

Anotherpointofview2174567 is right though. Clearly something was missing. I just wasn't enough and I don't know why 😭
There's nothing lacking in you

These guys like strangers because only strangers can reflect back their own perception of themselves. And that's what turns them on.

Somebody who knows them can't reflect back who they WISH they were.

Holothane · 02/03/2021 22:50

Hugs get ducks in a row and make plans to leave

Whatflavourjellybabyisnice · 02/03/2021 22:51

@Eckhart

How sickening.

The worst part is I actually really miss him. I realise how pathetic this is

DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT invalidate your own feelings, for god's sake. You need to be fully in support of yourself, here. Of course you will miss him. It's like he has vanished in front of your eyes. You're going to have millions of emotions, lots of them conflicting, and it's very important to be empathic and sympathetic with yourself. Nothing you feel is pathetic. Everything you feel is valid. Be really really really nice to yourself. You're going to need your own support. Flowers

Totally agree. I like Eckhart Tolle's teachings as per your username!