Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared to tell his friend about me

80 replies

Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 17:46

I need some objective advice on this. I’ve never had any jealousy issues in a relationship but am being told I have issues with other women that are friends with my boyfriend of a year and he is scared to mention them but a lot of this started after he told me he was scared to tell his close female friend that he had met someone and was scared to upset her. I found that a bit odd? Can anyone talk some sense into me? I am now having counselling for this issue of me being jealous.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2021 17:48

I wouldn’t be anyone’s dirty secret.

But how is this jealousy exhibiting itself and is he the one making you think you’ve got a problem if it’s never been an issue before?

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 17:50

The jealousy is I feel jealous of the closeness he has with them whereas I feel he can be very distant with me and also just can’t think of a reason why you would be scared to tell a platonic friend about a girlfriend.

OP posts:
Morgan12 · 01/03/2021 17:51

It's weird. Why would his friend be upset that he met someone? Surely she would be happy for him? Unless there's history and they were fuck buddies or something along those lines.

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 17:51

Yeah that’s what I thought.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2021 17:51

In what way is he close to them?

I can’t think of a reason either.

Is this relationship making you happy?

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 17:53

Seems like he confides in them emotionally a lot from the bits he says and our talk can be very formal and distant.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/03/2021 17:59

Why are you wasting time in a relationship where you're a secret and is distant with you, but confides in his female friends?

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 18:00

Because I feel like I can’t tell if I have an issue or not so now I’m having counselling, my head feels a bit all over the place.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 01/03/2021 18:04

Yeah you don't need counselling for this issue. You should be feeling uncomfortable with your bf's attitude and your reaction is quite normal. Are you paying for that privately? What a waste of money.

He's also distant and talks to you "formally"? Confused I'm not sure this is working.

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 18:07

Not formal when we are together but there is a weird distance when we are apart. I don’t know, I feel a bit desperate as we keep arguing when we part and my head feels a bit all over the place, I had an awful betrayal in a break up a few years ago and I feel like maybe I overreact sometimes.

But I can’t shake the feeling that it is odd to not want a friend to know about me, I don’t want to be a fool here.

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 01/03/2021 18:07

a year in, and you're having therapy for issues you are "being told" (by him) that you have? Keep the therapist, ditch the bloke.

QueenOfPain · 01/03/2021 18:09

You and your boyfriends friend don’t have some beef that predates your relationship do you? Which might be why he was scared to tell her, as he knows she’ll not approve?

If you’re certain you’ve done nothing wrong, then don’t be bullied into seeking help for your “jealousy” when in reality you probably don’t have any. Maybe his friendships are inappropriately close, and he’s investing his emotional intimacy in those rather than his actual relationship?

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 18:09

I offered to have it because the issue keeps coming up and he says I have a problem with him having female friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 18:10

No I don’t know her and have never met her.

OP posts:
QueenOfPain · 01/03/2021 18:10

Life is too fucking short for men who can’t talk about their feelings and need to talk to your formally, Jesus Christ.

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 18:12

I know I must sound like a plonker.

OP posts:
Somethingkindaoooo · 01/03/2021 18:15

Gah- wrote a long message, but it wouldn't post.
Highlights;
This is gas lighting

He's steamrolled over your boundaries

Ponder why it would be of benefit to him to keep you both seperate.

Which one of you is he keeping on the back burner?

Do you want such a man?

DarthWeeder · 01/03/2021 18:16

So your boyfriend is “scared” to tell his female friends that he has a girlfriend, because he doesn’t want to upset them?

And he’s convinced you that you’re the problem, so much so that you’re having counselling for your “jealousy” issues?

Run. Like the wind. The hills are that way >>>

MadameButterface · 01/03/2021 18:21

you absolutely do not sound like a plonker, you sound like someone with very little confidence, who has been in relationships where it is normal and expected that you will put the other person's feelings, wishes and wants above your own, and has spent so long being told and shown that your feelings are unimportant that you don't even know if it's reasonable to have them, let alone voice them.

anyone would feel some type of way about their other half having friends of the opposite sex. that's ok and it's allowed. the onus is on the other person to reassure you, include you, show you off, get you and the friendship group together so that you can bond etc. when you get together with someone you're nuts about, you want to do these things anyway, whether your friends are men, women, whatever. I would worry if these were an all male friendship group that he was 'scared' to tell about you. that's not how it's supposed to be.

is he in therapy, exploring why he chooses to be friends with people he is too 'scared' to be his authentic self with? if not why not?

NotaCoolMum · 01/03/2021 18:36

Your boyfriend is keeping you a secret. He’s prioritising her feelings over yours. Ltb

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 18:37

Thanks for the replies, I know madamebutterface, it’s not a gender thing it’s just I wonder like another poster said is this a back burner thing or something.

Is there no innocent reason for it do you think? I do worry it’s me, I went through a big betrayal a while ago and I do accept I might sometimes see the worst reason possible.

OP posts:
NotAgainNoMore · 01/03/2021 18:39

He's a gaslighting waste of time. He's the one who needs therapy!
Please do yourself a massive favour and walk away.

MrsGulDukat · 01/03/2021 18:40

OP, your BF sounds like my ex.

He turned it on me saying I was the problem, I never let him have female friends. Wouldnt have a problem with female friends if he didnt keep fucking fawning over them. Glad he fucked off.

The fact is,
He's shagging her, she wants more and he dont.
He used to shag her but doesnt any more and still wants her as a friend.
He's in love with her but she doesnt want him but he dont want her to know about you just in case she changes her mind.

Either way, ditch him. Not worth the aggro.

Lovinglifeand · 01/03/2021 18:41

@DarthWeeder

So your boyfriend is “scared” to tell his female friends that he has a girlfriend, because he doesn’t want to upset them?

And he’s convinced you that you’re the problem, so much so that you’re having counselling for your “jealousy” issues?

Run. Like the wind. The hills are that way >>>

Amen.

You are not the one with the problem. He is gaslighting you makings his issues appear to be yours. Trust your instincts and leave.

Remember your worth. You deserve so much better

OppsUpsSide · 01/03/2021 18:44

Basically, if you want to keep your self esteem and sanity you need to break up with him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread