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Original poster

Scared to tell his friend about me

80 replies

Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 17:46

I need some objective advice on this. I’ve never had any jealousy issues in a relationship but am being told I have issues with other women that are friends with my boyfriend of a year and he is scared to mention them but a lot of this started after he told me he was scared to tell his close female friend that he had met someone and was scared to upset her. I found that a bit odd? Can anyone talk some sense into me? I am now having counselling for this issue of me being jealous.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/03/2021 18:49

My guess: He's keeping you secret because he's in a relationship with her.

The reason his messages are so formal and distant (by contrast to when you meet) is in case she finds them.

Get rid of him. He's already fucked you up to the point he's convinced you that you need therapy - for which you're paying! Once you bin him off, I think you'll find your "confusion" somehow disappears...

MadameButterface · 01/03/2021 19:03

Is there no innocent reason for it do you think?

it doesn't matter if the reason is innocent or not, you are allowed to be unhappy that your boyfriend is keeping you a secret from his friends. you are allowed feelings Turnip, and you're allowed to express them without being told you need to go and get counselling to mould yourself into the person he wants you to be. some people wouldn't care, that's true, but they're not you. if he's that unhappy about it then his options are to end things with you and go and date one of them, he has no right to insist that you transform yourself into someone you're not. it's really clear to me that your problem isn't with him having female friends, it's with him wanting to keep you a secret from them. you don't sound jealous of the women per se, and even if you were, that's perfectly normal and ok for you to feel like that. it happens, we meet people, like them, then find out they're not the perfect fit for whatever reason. what's not normal, and not ok, is him making this into your problem for you to solve alone and at your expense.

if you are a couple of a year's standing, he should care about your feelings and prioritise them. the fact that he has you second guessing yourself and doubting everything and taking it all on as your burden is the most worrying thing about this. I'd bet my house this is not the only way his selfishness manifests.

Outbutnotoutout · 01/03/2021 19:05

After a year why haven't you met all his friends ?

I would tell him you want to meet them all or LTB

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 19:12

I don’t know, he goes for dinner with her when we are unlocked but I’ve not met her but then I kept thinking it’s been a weird year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 19:13

Sorry just catching up on other posts

OP posts:
Sgjudxbyef · 01/03/2021 19:18

Why did you start counselling instead of ending the relationship?

Outbutnotoutout · 01/03/2021 19:21

I think he is a total player and all the girls are his "girlfriend" and he keeps them all away from each other

Estara · 01/03/2021 19:25

If he is confiding in her and not you, which is causing a distance with you, then he isn't in the relationship 100%. What thoughts does your counseller have, they should be able to point out if you have the problem or if it's your partners problem being reflected on to you.

SionnachGlic · 01/03/2021 19:29

I expect your counsellor can give you an indication if your feelings are in the acceptable range given the background you've explained (to the counsellor) & the circumstances or if it is problem 'jealously' that needs some work & ongoing counselling. I don't understand him keeping you a secret...I would have thought your concern around this is valid.

Does his friend know about you yet?

Keeping a girfriend a secret from a platonic friend is not normal & either he has the problem...or his friend has. That he is 'scared' to upset her is very odd...why should she be upset about you ?

I find it concerning that he is telling you that you have issues when it appears that the problem really stems from his inability to be honest in his life. Does he lie to this friend when he is with you? He likely does otherwise where does he say he is at weekends or whenever you & he spend time together. Does he take your calls if in her company? Maybe not & this is why it all feels distant when you are apart.

I'd be more speaking to your counsellor about him & his behaviour toward you than any 'jealously' problem he is telling you that you have. We all have friends that are somewhat separate from other relationships in our lives, rely on different friends for different kinds of support in different areas of our lives....but I don't have secret ones that I can't tell other friends or partner about. It sounds very much to me like he is your problem. I'd be iinterested to hear your counsellor's take on it.

SmileyClare · 01/03/2021 19:33

Ugh you've picked a bad apple. He's making you insecure and unhappy with the way he behaves.

The first year of a relationship should not feel like this. You're feeling insecure because he's behaving like a selfish prat and not treating you like a partner.

Get rid, he will destroy your self esteem Flowers

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 19:39

Oh bugger

OP posts:
Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 19:42

I’ve only had one counselling session so far so we haven’t gone into any of this yet, just briefly touched on my ‘overreacting’ Confused

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 01/03/2021 19:46

He's keeping you a secret for a reason.
He's the one with a problem not you.
Bin Him.

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 19:47

I did try to end it because I was worried that I had all these unresolved issues from a previous break up and also because I worry it could be that he has feelings for her so I thought okay it hurts but I have to let go but he is adamant that I am jealous of his female friends and we should stay together and work through it.

OP posts:
Estara · 01/03/2021 19:48

You are allowed to react / overeact when something isn't right for you. Please don't ignore those feelings or be told what you're feeling is wrong💓

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 19:49

I sound like a wet drip reading this back ugh.

OP posts:
Ladylimpet · 01/03/2021 19:52

I'd definitely end it. And when you do, say it's because of his weirdness!! I wouldn't put up with that.

Somethingkindaoooo · 01/03/2021 19:53

Op
I have been where you are- always second guessing, and not trusting my instincts.

Do you, hand on heart, trust him?

Hang in, let me re phrase that.
Has he been scrupulously honest?

Suzi888 · 01/03/2021 20:00

I don’t know how old you are but this relationship seems hard work. I’d be walking away....
Your BF is scared to upset his ‘friends’ that you exist Confused.... it’s ridiculous. You deserve better.

Original poster
Turnipnose · 01/03/2021 20:03

Not as young as I probably sound. Am I being that naive? Sad

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/03/2021 20:06

@Somethingkindaoooo

Gah- wrote a long message, but it wouldn't post. Highlights; This is gas lighting

He's steamrolled over your boundaries

Ponder why it would be of benefit to him to keep you both seperate.

Which one of you is he keeping on the back burner?

Do you want such a man?

He has got you where he wants you!

All up in a heap and having therapy a year in.

He's making an fool out of you and he most certainly isn't a long term bet.

Men that are keen on you don't try and mess with your head and try and wind you up about their female friends.

He wants you off balance.

By all means waste time on him, but have NO doubt, you are wasting time.

Flowers
TaraR2020 · 01/03/2021 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SionnachGlic · 01/03/2021 20:27

OP, at your next session with your counsellor get to the crux of it...tell her about his secret relationship with you & that you don't believe you are over reacting rather that it is his behaviour, not yours, that is the issue. You shouldn't be made feel like you are a problem. Also, if you want out, just tell him it's over. That's it. Don't let him tell you, persuade you, that you need more counselling to understand why you must be kept a secret from his friend. You know in your heart that it is all wrong.

MadameButterface · 01/03/2021 20:41

so I thought okay it hurts but I have to let go but he is adamant that I am jealous of his female friends and we should stay together and work through it.

why are you letting him call all the shots? I was once seeing someone, and found out something about him that made me Hmm. I spoke to him about it and he tried to be all 'well some more open minded people wouldn't mind', I just said oh that's nice, bye tho.

Sillysandy · 01/03/2021 20:46

No, no, no.

So much wrong with this. He's not telling his friend about you. He's claiming you are the one with the issues as you have had an understandably sceptical reaction to this. You are getting counselling. You are asking people here to talk some sense into you.

Leave him.