Feel constantly belittled

[SomeWittyName]

Hi, I'm wondering if I could get some perspective on my situation. In the last few months (maybe a year), I am feeling constantly criticised by my husband. It's a tricky one as any individual scenario is easily justified (i.e. he's just asking me to do something differently around the house, to change to his preferred way), but it is so constant that I am left feeling like I do nothing right.

There are several small tasks around the house that I do without raising them with him (pick up and put away his shoes, tidy up the bathroom after he's had a shower), but I feel that he never lets anything go if it is not to his liking. And the positives are never noted - as an example today, I did the washing up that really should have been his "turn" as I'd cooked. I wasn't expecting a thanks, but I also wasn't expecting what I got, which was quite a telling off for stacking it wrong.

For context, he's not particularly tidy, but has certain ways of doing some things. He puts in a fair amount of housework and parenting, though over the course of a week has more downtime than I do. I do more tidying so there's more opportunity if you like for me to get it wrong.

I am left feeling like I've been criticised so often (daily, maybe every other day) that my immediate reaction to it is very extreme - I feel stressed, my mood plummets, I think of whether we should even be together. I feel like he talks to me like a child. Most times I keep a lid on my reaction, though I'm aware that this has shades of me treading on eggshells so as to not make the situation worse. Times that I have responded I've been told I'm over-reacting and overly sensitive and making it about something that it's not. He can always say "it's just about the washing up", whereas to me it's about how he treats me and talks to me and whether he respects and loves me.

I would really appreciate whether anyone could say from this description whether this is a red flag as I worry it could be. Is this as bad as I think it might be? I know it's hard to say unless you've lived it. I have been very stressed with work, and the pandemic (haven't we all) and various other things, so it's difficult to say what is related to this feeling of being constantly criticised. But I suspect this is affecting my mental health as much as anything else.

It sounds like a red flag to me. How do you react when he does this? Do you tell him not to or just accept it?

Sounds unbearable to me. If DH was nitpicking everything I did, I'd go ballistic. And in a situation where it was really his turn to do the washing up and I'd done it instead, my reaction would have been to immediately point out that as I'm only doing it as he was too lazy, if he wants it done "properly" he can do it himself.

I am sympathetic to someone who finds the way their other half does things insufficient because to be honest, I have been known to get frustrated with DH for this. But 99% of the time I suck it up because in the bigger scheme of things it's not that important and I am aware that there are things he'd rather were done a different way but that he also sucks it up. If you are constantly constantly constantly being told you are wrong, that is incredibly frustrating and annoying and I would consider it a real issue around whether he respects you and how he is trying to control you.

Can you be prepared so the next time you fling it back? Point out what he does wrong or that you're doing things because he hasn't? Tell him that the washing up is done so it doesn't matter how it's stacked? Or whatever, and see how he reacts?

What would happen if you agreed with everything he said, just say, yes you're right, and walk off. Don't give him a reaction. It's how I dealt with bullies.

I have tried before to calmly explain to him how it makes me feel, that I feel constantly criticised, and that there are many things I just do without making a big deal out of it - he said at the time "I just won' t ask you about things then", but today's example he said he was really angry with me that I'd stacked the washing up wrong. He says he feels like the bad guy for "having to bring these things up". I would disagree that he has to bring them up at all, let alone telling me off like a child.

I do try to be a reasonable person so if it's no problem to me then I try to make the changes that he asks me to do, though he doesn't seem to notice if I do. I'm afraid that I end up feeling like I'm striving to please him and that it's impossible to live up to his standards.

I have in angrier moments said "you don't get to talk to me that way", but this is when he would say I'm overreacting and oversensitive.

I feel like I've tried different reactions tbh.

Nitpicking! That's the word!

I honestly try to be reasonable so I have stopped short of pointing out all the things I do for him without bringing them up. I'm aware that my trying to be reasonable is a bit of conflict-avoidance.

Also - I'm concerned that I'm giving the impression I might be doing things badly. I do most of the cooking, washing up, all the DIY, work more hours. He also washes up, occasionally cooks, does the parenting when I'm working. His "nitpicking" is not because I'm not pulling my weight, it's generally personal preference as to how things are done.

Well it's simple really, if he likes things done a certain way, tell him to do it himself! Be firm with him and say that to him, 'sorry that's not up to your standards, do it yourself next time or don't complain'

He says he feels like the bad guy for "having to bring these things up". I would disagree that he has to bring them up at all, let alone telling me off like a child.

This actually gave me a chill. He's making it YOUR fault and trying to act like he's the victim because YOU are doing things "wrong". You should get angry. Tell him to do it himself. Tell him when he actually does half then maybe, must maybe, you can have a conversation about this but until then, he should back off. You are not a child. Is it not your parent or your boss.

Thanks everyone for these responses. I think we do need to have a serious chat. My internal reaction each time this happens is so strong as it's happened so many times that I started doubting whether I AM overreacting. It feels like fight or flight.

I'll talk with him tonight when our child has gone to sleep.

Good luck, remember be firm.

Explain to him that he is choosing to nitpick, and the fact that the dishes weren't stacked properly and he is choosing to be a twat about it, what harm is done if dishes are stacked one way over another? What if your way is the right way?

And remember to point out the fact that if he's not happy about the way you do things he can always just do them himself.

I would keep calm and reply "if my way isn't good enough then I won't do it anyway" and mean it!!!

I don't like much of DH cooking - lots of beige food and lack of veg etc but I say thank you and eat it.

Is cleaning is a bit shit too but he does it so I'm not going to complain that it isn't to my standards.

Having a pop for how you stack dishes?

Unless you were deliberately playing Jenga with it, it's laughable.

Tell him to wind his neck in, and do it himself.

I'd tell him you have you way and he has his.

Although my DH has a way of not placing bowls in a position to fully dry if when he washes them...I've never actually said anything about it, I just turn the bowl over, but it is a bit irritating.

Your DH comes across as controlling and thinking he's always right which would annoy me. It's also like he feels he's superior to you.

Sounds like he is quite underdeveloped in the sense that he really feels completed to have things done his way, like a toddler.

I expect he feels very anxious when things are not done his way as he feels not in control.

That's fine and we can all sympathise and understand.

But it's on him to try to address it so he can grow enough to hold down a mature relationship and allow his partner an existence as a separate person in her own right rather than forcing her to live in a police state.

Psychotherapy would help.

• compelled

I have asd so like things done in a certain way. However, I'm not a dick about it as I've explained to my other half that I get anxious if they're done differently and will do it myself if it's a really important one. I don't nitpick or criticise him as I understand it's my issue.

They would be great big red flags waving in the wind for me.

The fact that you no longer feel that you can raise the way he treats you or talks to you because of his reaction and belittling of your feelings speaks volumes.

I would be developing an exit plan. If you want to give him another chance then make the plan before you give him an ultimatum you're prepared to stick to

I think part of the issue he has is that he's not registering or accepting the fact that he lives with someone else, and he needs to let go a bit.

Otherwise, he thinks his way is the only right way and feels he has the right to dictate that absolutely everything is to his liking. I don't think people like that find it easy to live with others.

Thanks everyone for comments. It's interesting to think it might be related to anxiety - he does have anxiety. Thinking this makes me a little more sympathetic as to why, though I still don't think it's reasonable. And I feel vindicated to see that reflected here.

I have thought about leaving, though I don't want to. I'd rather get to a stage that we can communicate better. We'll see I suppose.

How many years have you been together? You say that it is the last year or so he has been like this, how was he before?

My husband is very like this, and I can empathise with your fight or flight reaction. I was like this, getting very defensive and upset when I was 'criticised'/told how to do things more efficiently/effectively.

I think how to deal with him, or how I did, was to firstly remind myself that I managed v v well before I met him, and would no doubt do so after him as well. I keep that self confidence as strong as possible.

Then I go into 'superior Stepford' mode. Just smile serenely, say, oh yes/ of course/I'm sorry and walk away (loo, another room, just somewhere out of reach) That takes the wind out of his sails, and I stay calm.

It I do take the fight or flight route, it's me that gets upset/angry/frustrated and the rows just escalate, which is daft if they are over silly things.

Remember, it's not you, it's him....

Stop trying to be reasonable. Stop talking about how his bullying makes you feel. He knows it makes you feel like shit, because you've already told him that, multiple times. He doesn't give a shit how you feel. He likes you feeling crap and off-balance. He likes you treading on eggshells trying to live up to his impossible standards, second guessing yourself at every turn.

Personally I'd tell him to get to fuck. Bullies don't respond to reasonable discussion. Every time I've fronted up to a bully - basically given them back what they've dished out - they've metamorphosed into a snivelling boot-licking coward, which is what they are at heart.

So "Do it your fucking self then or hire a maid, cunty bollocks" would be the first thing out of my mouth, but I appreciate you may not be at that stage yet 😂

Interesting, you say how you did deal with your husband, so has he changed, or is he still critical, but it bothers you less?

We've been together 14 years. His criticism has increased as he's spent more time at home I think, we both wfh and care for our pre-schooler. I suppose in this context it could be anxiety, and maybe just a reflection of his pandemic stresses. He wasn't critical in this way before, though we've struggled a bit with our relationship since having our child. It's taken us a while to find a near-equality in parenting and housework, I'd say we're nearly there, but his extreme criticism has come out since he's been doing more.

You are supposed to be equal partners. He does not get to decide that his way is the right way and that yours is the wrong way. Whoever is doing the chores does it their own way.

He is not your superior and you are not his subordinate. Is he missing being able to boss people around at work, and now he's taking it out on you instead?

Great advice above.
I'm glad no one has tried to blame you!

He sounds awful.

The fact that your mental health is being affected is very important.

This is not good.

I do not think you go in softly, softly.
That time has passed in my view.

I would think about the practicalities of separation and how that would work.

I would then tell him that you are thinking this way.

He cannot be allowed to take your mental health and this is no way to live.

IF he has anxiety issues he needs to sort himself out and get help but he does NOT get to drag you down with him.

I would tell him very firmly that you managed just fine before you met him and because of the way he is behaving, separating is looking very appealing.

It may be anxiety but he sounds like a nasty piece of work.
He behaves like a prick and then blames you.

I think you should be prepared to ask him to leave so that you have a break from him.

He's a nasty bullying man and you now need to make it very clear, in no uncertain terms that you will not put up with it any longer.

He needs to hear that his appalling behaviour has changed your feelings for him.

The truth is he THINKS that he can treat you like shit and that you will take it.

You need to disabuse of this idea. Completely.

This is a truly awful way to live.

This is not nice and reeks of being treated like ‘the staff.’ I agree with @endlesswicker that his right/wrong way is his arbitrary thinking and I’d be inclined to ridicule it. Are the dishes clean? Job done. Will they be any cleaner his way? Nope.