Feel constantly belittled

[SomeWittyName]

Hi, I'm wondering if I could get some perspective on my situation. In the last few months (maybe a year), I am feeling constantly criticised by my husband. It's a tricky one as any individual scenario is easily justified (i.e. he's just asking me to do something differently around the house, to change to his preferred way), but it is so constant that I am left feeling like I do nothing right.

There are several small tasks around the house that I do without raising them with him (pick up and put away his shoes, tidy up the bathroom after he's had a shower), but I feel that he never lets anything go if it is not to his liking. And the positives are never noted - as an example today, I did the washing up that really should have been his "turn" as I'd cooked. I wasn't expecting a thanks, but I also wasn't expecting what I got, which was quite a telling off for stacking it wrong.

For context, he's not particularly tidy, but has certain ways of doing some things. He puts in a fair amount of housework and parenting, though over the course of a week has more downtime than I do. I do more tidying so there's more opportunity if you like for me to get it wrong.

I am left feeling like I've been criticised so often (daily, maybe every other day) that my immediate reaction to it is very extreme - I feel stressed, my mood plummets, I think of whether we should even be together. I feel like he talks to me like a child. Most times I keep a lid on my reaction, though I'm aware that this has shades of me treading on eggshells so as to not make the situation worse. Times that I have responded I've been told I'm over-reacting and overly sensitive and making it about something that it's not. He can always say "it's just about the washing up", whereas to me it's about how he treats me and talks to me and whether he respects and loves me.

I would really appreciate whether anyone could say from this description whether this is a red flag as I worry it could be. Is this as bad as I think it might be? I know it's hard to say unless you've lived it. I have been very stressed with work, and the pandemic (haven't we all) and various other things, so it's difficult to say what is related to this feeling of being constantly criticised. But I suspect this is affecting my mental health as much as anything else.

Hmmm....

Reading this in the context of being guilty of nitpicking myself on occasion.
DH does stuff round the house but sometimes I need to do it again because he's done it badly... . For example putting away things from the dishwasher that weren't rinsed before they went in the dishwasher so now have dried in crud on them. Gives me the rage. I mean what's the point of "helping" if I just need to do it again?!

DH feels I shouldn't criticise.
Well just do it properly then!

Sorry this may not be your context at all op. But different expectations of "clean" can be irritating.
Just another perspective.
Yes I realise I sound very annoying!

When is he going back to his office again?

@SomeWittyName

Thanks everyone for these responses. I think we do need to have a serious chat. My internal reaction each time this happens is so strong as it's happened so many times that I started doubting whether I AM overreacting. It feels like fight or flight.

I'll talk with him tonight when our child has gone to sleep.

No. Talking to him won't work.

You need to deal with it at source, when it happens. Come down on him like a ton of bricks, tough, firm and absolute - not upset and angry, because quite frankly I think he has shown you he doesn't care when you are 'upset'. Do not have a 'conversation' about it - because you are right. Don't let anything he says make you feel otherwise.

Draw a tough behavioural line in the sand and don't let him cross it. It's unfortunate that some people in life need these lines to behave with respect, especially when they are our life partners. But that's how it is, "talking about it" won't work because it's an deep emotional control issue. They just have to be shown they cannot go there.

My mother was a bit of a bully and consequently I could be a bit pushy/naggy in my past marriage. But my ex had a line that I learned not to cross. It's like I'd walk up to the line, feel it, and just talk myself down. In retrospect this line was helpful, it stopped me slipping into problematic behaviour.

if things aren't properly clean after being in the dishwasher it needs looking at. If you need to rinse before it properly cleans it's probably got a blockage somewhere. Sorry OP for slight derail

I had 18 years with someone like that and have never regretted leaving. I sometimes wonder why it took me so long, but it's really hard when that's what seems like normal life. I promise you it isn't, and real happiness is possible.

Thanks, everyone.

He's just talked to me like shit again, so we're having it out tonight. I'm not dropping it, I will stop trying to be so reasonable (I mean, I'll still be reasonable, but not at the expense of my point or my feelings). I have had it.

Appreciate the people trying to see both sides of nit-picking. In our situation, I occasionally have to re-wash things he's washed up, so he doesn't do things perfectly. His issue on the dishes was that the way I stacked them might have damaged them (I disagree, but that's not the point, I suppose).

Thanks everyone for all comments on this. You have galvanised me to stand my ground today.

I think you need to adjust your language. 'Reasonable' to one person isn't reasonable to others. So, when you state your feelings, he thinks you're being unreasonable, but you don't. It's a movable feast. He seems to think it's unreasonable for you to have opinions/feelins at all.

So. Instead of aiming to be reasonable 'but not at the expense of your point or your feelings', aim to be reasonable to your feelings, rather than to his feelings, which is what you've been trying to do so far.

'Calling me unreasonable is disrespectful to my feelings' will illicit the response you need. In fact 'Doing x/y/z is disrespectful to my feelings' is a great line. I suspect it will illicit the 'Well, your feelings are just a bunch of crap anyway' type of response.

When I say 'the response you need', I'm afraid I don't mean 'the nicest response' - I mean the response that will most clearly demonstrate to you that you need to leave, or at the very least, lay down some very strong boundaries.

My exhusband was like this

I started to feel like staff and would rush round just before he was due home from work to.make sure everything was just so.

It totally wears you down and affects your mental health.

Good for you OP.

He sounds so deeply unpleasant.

It really is no way to live and just so awful to grow up listening to.

Stay strong.

Remember, no one, absolutely no one, is worth your mental health.

How are you @SomeWittyName ?
I hope you are ok. Come back if you need some more support.

Good god! He got angry because you stacked the dishes wrongly!

If my dh said this I'd be telling his to 'wash the dishes himself then' and that would be the last time I'd ever did the washing up until he apologised.

Asking someone nicely to do something isn't nit picking, it's learning to live in harmony with people. Like asking someone nicely if they could put their shoes away, or turn off a light when the leave the room, or stack the dishes a certain way. Getting angry is a huge over reaction and not conducive to a happy home.

How nice are you for checking in, thank you! I set out my boundaries really strongly the other night, it was a short conversation - I said that he couldn't talk to me like that, I gave examples. Said that I have to set these boundaries for my own self-respect, that I wouldn't allow anyone else to talk to me like he has been. I also told him that my immediate reaction each time is so stressed that I'm automatically thinking about separation every time he belittles me.

Will see how things go, of course, but at the time he was surprisingly very receptive. I think he was shocked, I have never really been so clear before, though perhaps I should have been. It's only been days, but for now we're getting along better. I like to think he's taken it on board and perhaps opened his eyes to how bad it was. But I realise only time will tell.

Talking about this here really really helped me get my thoughts straight, and helped me be clearer in my communication with him. Thank you all so much.

Great to see your strong and assertive response. Looking forward to further updates. Well done

Yay well done you!!

He says he feels like the bad guy for "having to bring these things up". I would disagree that he has to bring them up at all, let alone telling me off like a child.

⬆️ This. Read this again.

He is not treating you as an equal partner. This is who he is. Maybe he has anxiety, but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with being treated like a disobedient child for the rest of your life.

My ex was like this and like you, I mostly just took (eggshells) because it made my life easier.

I would tell him that you are thinking of leaving and that you want a proper sit down, frank conversation. If he tries to talk you down and minimise, tell him that no one gets to speak to you that way.

For what it's worth, I am so much happier since I split with my nasty ex. I've met someone lovely now and it's an eye opener how different 2 men can be. You don't have to tolerate this drip fed shit! It'll wear you down until you don't recognise yourself.

Just saw your update! Well done and 🤞🏼

I am so glad that you took this issue on fully, and told him that you are looking to separate from him.

I bet he was shocked.
He didn't expect that.

He doesn't respect you and very clearly thought he could get away with this behaviour.

He could behave better going forward.

Or

He could behave better for a bit and regroup, and start with his critical shit again.

If he does, please realise this wil absolutely be the rest of your life with him.

There will be no point in further conversation because this is it.

This is your marriage for as long as you agree to be in it.

Please make your plans whilst you hope for the best but prepare for the absolute worst.

Fab well done 👏