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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel constantly belittled

67 replies

SomeWittyName · 01/03/2021 15:48

Hi, I'm wondering if I could get some perspective on my situation. In the last few months (maybe a year), I am feeling constantly criticised by my husband. It's a tricky one as any individual scenario is easily justified (i.e. he's just asking me to do something differently around the house, to change to his preferred way), but it is so constant that I am left feeling like I do nothing right.

There are several small tasks around the house that I do without raising them with him (pick up and put away his shoes, tidy up the bathroom after he's had a shower), but I feel that he never lets anything go if it is not to his liking. And the positives are never noted - as an example today, I did the washing up that really should have been his "turn" as I'd cooked. I wasn't expecting a thanks, but I also wasn't expecting what I got, which was quite a telling off for stacking it wrong.

For context, he's not particularly tidy, but has certain ways of doing some things. He puts in a fair amount of housework and parenting, though over the course of a week has more downtime than I do. I do more tidying so there's more opportunity if you like for me to get it wrong.

I am left feeling like I've been criticised so often (daily, maybe every other day) that my immediate reaction to it is very extreme - I feel stressed, my mood plummets, I think of whether we should even be together. I feel like he talks to me like a child. Most times I keep a lid on my reaction, though I'm aware that this has shades of me treading on eggshells so as to not make the situation worse. Times that I have responded I've been told I'm over-reacting and overly sensitive and making it about something that it's not. He can always say "it's just about the washing up", whereas to me it's about how he treats me and talks to me and whether he respects and loves me.

I would really appreciate whether anyone could say from this description whether this is a red flag as I worry it could be. Is this as bad as I think it might be? I know it's hard to say unless you've lived it. I have been very stressed with work, and the pandemic (haven't we all) and various other things, so it's difficult to say what is related to this feeling of being constantly criticised. But I suspect this is affecting my mental health as much as anything else.

OP posts:
Icloud54 · 01/03/2021 21:21

There's lots of people with anxiety out there, they don't go around bullying and acting the way your husband does. Don't blame this on anxiety.
The fact you have told him how his behaviour makes you feel and he carries on proves he's a bully.
If he can't control his temper tell him to go to anger management, you'll know if he's serious or not about changing.

emmylousings · 01/03/2021 21:28

Just because he is 'doing a bit more' doesn't mean he gets to nitpick at what you do and he's ignoring all the other stuff you do, that he can't find anything to pick fault with. It does sound like he's undermining you and it's very mean, emotionally. Probably needs counselling to sort out, but that's a whole deal in itself. Sorry this is happening to you, hope you can get your point across later.

billy1966 · 02/03/2021 09:28

How are you today OP?

category12 · 02/03/2021 12:57

How can he tell you with a straight face that when you challenge him about things that it's "just" the washing up, and yet give you a hard time and tell you how angry he is, over the washing up?!

Original poster
SomeWittyName · 02/03/2021 13:31

Oh thanks for checking in, that's very kind! We did talk, but need to still talk more tbh. He is sorry that he upset me, but still thinks that it's just about the dishes. Will try again tonight. If anything I've woken up more annoyed today.

OP posts:
endlesswicker · 02/03/2021 13:49

Hang on to your righteous indignation and make it work for you! Flowers

category12 · 02/03/2021 13:49

But can't he see the hypocrisy of him being angry about the washing up and having a go at you about it, if it doesn't matter?

Silenceisgolden20 · 02/03/2021 14:13

What, you pick up his shoes??

NotSorry · 02/03/2021 14:24

My DH has a bad habit of trying to micro-manage me - telling me how I SHOULD be doing a chore. I look him right in the eye and tell him to leave me alone or if he doesn’t like it to do it himself. There is no RIGHT way to do any job. He’s getting better at leaving me to get on with it.

He also has a bad habit of talking over me when I haven’t finished speaking - we’re still working on that one. I usually say “stop interrupting me, it’s rude”

As PP said “righteous indignation” is the way forward

wewereliars · 02/03/2021 14:27

I have to tell you OP that he sounds very very like my ex and it's not looking good to me. I don't know your other half, but over the course of a 25 plus year relationship my ex developed from being assertive, to being a constant nit picker, to being a bully to being a financial, sexual and emotional bully. So this is where it starts. Quite honestly I'd get out. You cannot change him, he thinks he's better than you and that's who he is. Good luck x

itwasaluckybuyonxxxebay · 02/03/2021 14:30

Yeah. Ask him - every time he nitpicks - whether he'd talk to his boss that way. Or indeed to a GF he was trying to get to sleep with!

I'm sure he's not the worst person in the world or anything but it really sounds like he needs to get a life!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/03/2021 14:31

Sounds a lot like my exh! Especially the bit about it affecting you a lot straight away because it’s happened so often.

My exh knew fine what he was doing too - I remember having something of an epiphany when he said to dd’s teacher “oh yes but when someone’s bullied all the time, every little thing/ criticism/ attack (I forgot the word he used) feels like a big deal and they react immediately”. That was exactly what he was doing to me, and he knew it!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/03/2021 14:34

I also identify exactly with the fight or flight feeling you describe.

Eckhart · 02/03/2021 17:08

Most times I keep a lid on my reaction, though I'm aware that this has shades of me treading on eggshells so as to not make the situation worse. Times that I have responded I've been told I'm over-reacting and overly sensitive

So, he is invalidating your feelings, and you're starting to respond by keeping them quiet, ie, invalidating your own feelings.

A red flag isn't a concrete thing, a red flag for you may not be a red flag for somebody else. 'This person keeps making me feel rubbish' is a red flag for most people though.

When he tells you 'It's just about the washing up, it's not a big deal', THAT'S when you validate your feelings. You tell him that even if he meant it to be just about the washing up, it felt hurtful to you, and you'd like him to stop speaking to you like that because it makes you unhappy. Tell him he has no right to tell you how you should feel, and you have every right to feel however you want to.

Tell him, as a bottom line, that if he doesn't start to show more understanding and respect for your feelings, you'll have to reconsider the relationship.

The most important thing is to allow yourself to have your feelings, and allow your feelings to be known. If those around you don't like it, then you have the wrong people around you.

ScabbyHorse · 02/03/2021 17:21

What would happen if you told him off for leaving his shoes lying around or leaving the bathroom in a state after he had a shower? Could you try?

Original poster
SomeWittyName · 02/03/2021 18:17

Thanks, some good advice here, I really appreciate it.

I have asked him not to leave his shoes lying about before - his reaction is annoyed that I've asked at all. I agree that my feelings are invalidated. It's not good, is it.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 02/03/2021 18:42

It's a good lesson though. Learning to validate your own feelings and enforce your boundaries will change your life. Genuinely. Everything will be different, you'll be in the driver's seat of your life, you'll have rock solid self respect, and you will understand every second of every day that you are AMAZING.

Sound appealing?

billy1966 · 02/03/2021 19:41

So he nit picks all that you do and you can't even ask him to do something as simply as put his shoes away without him getting angry.

I repeat, kindly, to you, he is a nasty bullying prick who is messing with your mental health and has you now walking on eggshells.....

OP this is abusive.
He is abusive.

Please take your time to absorb it, but know this, he is NOT a good man.

Be very careful about committing your life to someone so unpleasant.

He is only going to get worse.

He is not your friend.

You need to view him as an enemy.
An enemy who by his awful relentless bullying of you has caused you to feel low.

Find your anger, harness it, and put this nasty twat in his place.

Flowers
whatisheupto · 02/03/2021 20:03

"he said he was really angry with me that I'd stacked the washing up wrong."

This is just crazy OP. Really angry? About how you stacked things??!! I think the nitty gritty is this... is he GENUINELY angry about that? Or is he just finding any excuse to make you feel bad and make himself seem superior?

nitsandwormsdodger · 02/03/2021 21:12

You should expect thanks if you have done the washing up on his turn
You should not be tidying up his shoes or after his shower , he should do that
He should not have more down time than you
You need to stand up for yourself and tell him to not criticise and let him know it's pushed you to the edge
If he doesn't stop and step up then he is being abusive

LannieDuck · 02/03/2021 21:45

He should be doing more around the house if he has more leisure time than you. Stop doing his jobs for him, esp if it only leads to criticism. (Did you point out that you'd done his job for him, and he should be thanking you rather than criticising you?)

Definitely stand your ground with his criticism. His way is not 'the right way'. It's just one way, and yours is just as valid. When he does a job, he gets to decide how it's done, and when you do it then you get to decide how it's done (assuming there's no strategic incompetence going on).

Silenceisgolden20 · 03/03/2021 11:31

@SomeWittyName

Thanks, some good advice here, I really appreciate it.

I have asked him not to leave his shoes lying about before - his reaction is annoyed that I've asked at all. I agree that my feelings are invalidated. It's not good, is it.

Chuck them in the bloody bin. What are you putting up with this crap? Tell him to fuck the fuck off with his shoes. Jesus.
Patsyanna · 03/03/2021 13:17

That is unacceptable behaviour. If stacking the dishes 'wrong' made him feel very angry he clearly needs professional help. If having things done his way mean that much he should live alone. How does he cope with big problems? Defo red flag!

Silenceisgolden20 · 03/03/2021 13:36

That was Jesus at him, not you OP.
Wouldn't it be lovely to live without this every day and not having a partner this angry all the time? Imagine what your life could be like

thelegohooverer · 03/03/2021 14:25

This reminds me so much of my df. We could never do anything around the house without nit picking. But even if you did things to perfection by last months standards, it wouldn’t be right now.

To this day I struggle to get started on house related tasks. I feel mildly paralysed which is a learned stress response.

I’m distinctly over sensitive to criticism from my dh. I communicate very clearly, though with a touch of humour. If he were to pick on a detail or point out a spot I’d missed, I would laugh and say “Don’t you mean, ‘thank you for cleaning the bathroom/ironing all the laundry/ painting the bedroom’?” or I’ve been known to point out things I’ve done, saying “come and admire this” because in the early days of our relationship he was daft enough to think he should critique my efforts Hmm. The phrase “I’m your wife not your employee” is a very useful one too.

But those strategies work well on my entirely reasonable dh who, while he has a personality that tends towards being a bit controlling, also understands that it is not appropriate in a marriage. I don’t honestly believe that they’d have made a blind bit of difference with my df. It’s rare now that I’d feel a need to say anything like that to dh.

I don’t think that you’re over reacting. In fact, reading your posts makes me wonder about your history of relationships and what your dps marriage was like.