What on earth happened?

[Newbie96]

Hi everyone, long time reader but first-time poster. I'll just jump straight into it. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I have been together officially for a year, we've known each other since we were around 13 - 14 and attempted to make a go of it as teenagers (around 18) but it never worked. We've been in contact ever since because we both have mutually been drawn to one another. He often tells me he has compared every woman he's been with to me and to be honest I've done the same.

I am now 25 and he is 27. We got together just before lockdown last year and have spent nearly every waking second with each other since. We had been spending a lot of time together prior to lockdown happening and we both jumped at the opportunity to become each other's support bubbles when the time came and to be honest, it has been total bliss, we genuinely never argue, he is like my bestfriend.

Luckily for us, the lockdown has been kind to us mostly because we've had each other to get through it and it has made us grow extremely closer. I can honestly say the past year we both have agreed that we have been the happiest we've ever been, our relationship being one of the main reasons.

We both live alone and so we stay back and forth between his place and mine, only having to travel now and then for work etc. Due to our history and of course how much time we've spent together, emotions have definitely intensified and I am very much in love with this man, he knows this and tells me he feels the same way.

So fast forward to the weekend just gone, we had planned that I would spend the weekend at his house. I arrive at around 6:30 on Friday evening and things are good but I can sense that something is off/ or that he isn't exactly in the mood. I decide to ignore it but it seems to only get worse. Usually, we would sit down, have a conversation about our day and watch a series episode together which we commentate back and forth with each other but this time it's pure silence. Neither of us was physical with each other, he actually even sat on the furthest part of the sofa away from me. I can honestly say this was the first time I felt a little unwelcome in his home, which is odd considering how much time I have spent there and I've never felt this way before.

I mean maybe I overlooked everything far too much so please tell me if that appears to be the case. An hour of silence goes by, most of the time it was him on his phone whilst I watched the episode by myself, he stands up and asks if I am hungry, I say yeah and he says okay I will cook something for us. As it was the first proper real words we had spoken to each other all night, I decided to ask if everything was okay? he says yeah so in a jokey, laughing tone I ask if he wants me over tonight as it feels a little as if I'm intruding.

Well what happens next I didn't expect it at all, he is stood in the doorway of the living room and begins to get more and more wound up, he starts off by saying "of course I want you over but you have been sat there all night with this miserable look on your face, giving off bad energy" his voice is slightly raised but I don't retaliate and I calmy say "okay well I must have read it wrong, I wasn't trying to give off bad energy, I've been looking forward to seeing you all day" but he is so annoyed and goes off again accusing me of being the reason why the energy is so wrong between us tonight and how dare I blame him for it. I apologise again and say that I must have had a long day. He then goes on to say "well this is weird for me now so I think its best you leave" I am in shock as he walks out of the living room into the kitchen, in an attempt to let things settle, I leave it 5 minutes and walk into the kitchen with him and ask if he would really like me to leave? He responds "I'm just saying maybe its best", the thing is I can see on his face he is visually angry and in my head, I can't figure out why he is so annoyed, over something that in my mind was so trivial and silly. Like a fricken helpless puppy dog, I look at him again and ask if HE wants me to leave? and he responds "you know what yeah I do".

I take myself to the other room and begin packing up my stuff and I can hear him stomping and slamming about. I obviously felt a little confused because the whole situation felt extremely blown out of proportion. Once my things are packed I give it one last attempt and go and sit next to him on the sofa, I ask him if we can talk about this and I gently reach my hand out to touch his arm, but he blows up and is practically foaming from the mouth shouting at me not to touch him and that he just wants me to leave, at one point he swings the front door open and walks out of the front door in nothing his dressing gown, I don't chase him because I was honestly just shocked. He begins texting me telling me to leave his house or he won't come back? - I replied and told him I'm leaving but I would have appreciated it if he came back and just spoke to me. After 5/6 minutes pass, he comes storming back into the flat, pushing past me in the hall and is still foaming at the mouth shouting at how it's my fault and I'm making it worse by not leaving. Like a fool, I started to cry because I could see this has all escalated into a situation I didn't want for us at all. He tells me crying doesn't help the situation so tearfully I leave. As I wait outside for a cab, I check my phone and notice that he has blocked my number, my WhatsApp and my Instagram. I am totally confused and hurt by all of this and in my honest moment of craziness, I create another account on Instagram and message "I'm sorry for everything that just happened, I didn't expect any of that. I accept I was in the wrong and that I read the situation wrong, please can we talk when things are calmer?" he replies "please just let me know when you are home as I won't be able to sleep until I know your home" I leave it and let him know I am home, he bluntly replies "good, night" I again press on and I ask if we can talk? he responds and says "no I just want to go to sleep, we have been so good lately and now I'm laying here crying," I tell him I love him and that I don't want him to be sad, he replies and says he knows I do and that I should go to sleep.

Saturday morning comes and I message saying I hope he is okay and that again when things are calmer can we talk about this? he reads and doesn't respond. Sunday I message again along the same lines but telling him I miss him, again he reads and doesn't respond.

This morning I received a message from him saying "I told you that you were just making everything worse on Friday and you just didn't listen, you just thought you knew better and now I'm going to show you what I meant. I don't care, sorry" I sent some messages, honestly being very weak and pitiful, telling him that I would just like us to talk and sort this out as I miss him and this isn't like us at all, I then check for a response and he has blocked me from that account as well, so there are no ways of contacting him.

I just can't make sense of it all, we have never argued like this ever. I didn't expect him to blow up the way he did after asking him if everything was okay. I just feel like its all my fault for ruining something that we had so good. I feel really sad, low and alone and just wish he would calm down and speak to me.

Please give me your take on this entire, childish and shit situation. Did I do something wrong? and is he really never going to speak to me again over that?

Thank you

It might not feel like it, but you're actually doing brilliantly

Just read your updates. So awesome that you blocked him. Isn't it fascinating to see how they always stick to the script? As others have said I seriously doubt this will be the last you hear of him but you're doing amazing. Just keep reading all these replies and watch the scales fall from your eyes. Once seen, it cannot be unseen! Remember he's the idiot that didn't see how good he had it.

It's incredibly hard to move on. The initial love bombing stage is designed to make you totally in love with them and reliant emotionally. It's an age old saying but time really is the best healer after these relationships. You're doing amazingly, just take it hour by hour, day by day. Expect to be all over the place emotionally. Be kind to yourself. 💐

OP forgive me, but it sounds like you invested much more in this relationship than he did. You loved him, to him you were just nice to have around while it suited him.

PPs are right - you will get over this, however much it doesn't seem like it now. But think of it this way. Although you're in grief and anger and shock and sadness, this all happened last Friday so you're also already six days in to the healing process. Don't take him back and go back to square one when he does it again.

You're doing so well, OP, keep on keeping on, and I promise you, this will empower you and you'll grow to love the feeling

OP was one of the posters who had criticised you for not leaving when asked to the first time.

Having reread your posts/updates am sorry, think had it wrong & this guy is suss.

Don’t think it is a coincidence that his ex had followed him on social media. Think now he had been in contact with his ex & this relationship was some kind of rebound which, due to covid lockdown became intense very quickly - and intimate, as you’ve known each other so long.

Having a lockdown love would have been a very comforting thing - it wasn’t exactly the year for dating culture was it!

Come to think of it, as a chronic weed smoker myself - very hard in my part of the world to get on during lockdown! There was none about & people risking covid to score makes for quitting weed to be a necessary option. Was he drinking much? Usually you switch from weed to wine, especially red as it’s the weed of the alcohol world.

Feels like he played along with this whole romantic story you had of meeting as pre-teens & this coming together after so long apart.

I bet he has some bullshit revisional story of your history now & this ex “knows him better than anyone else” - the life he had when he was a weed smoker.

He has likely downplayed your relationship to his ex & his texts will reflect that. He doesn’t love you & he never did, I agree now he has treated you terribly & people are likely pawns in his life

He sounds like the type to see them as the star of their own romantic docu drama movie of life. You sound like you put a lot of focus on him & he enjoyed receiving your affection + adoration for as long as it was useful to him.

Had covid not hit think this may have happened a lot earlier & it is no coincidence he has given you a narcissistic style cold dumping now that lockdowns are looking like easing.

How much of you did he have on his social media? Had you tagged each other in photos etc?

The blocking before you left speaks to him prioritising destruction of evidence of the relationship. People usually block after a breakup, not during it.

Again am sorry & can see now you were trying to reason with someone you thought you knew but didn’t even exist - so you were set up to come out of that situation badly from the start.

He had you come over & created the whole situation so you would feel like you lost him due to your behaviour - so you won’t bitch about him & this ex won’t find out about you or know how he said he was in love with you etc.

He will play it down as casually dating etc

Guarantee if things sour with his new/old flame he will be back. For sure this snake will try to slither back into your life at some stage

@Newbie96

Alicenwonderland Thank you so much for your comment, you sound incredibly wise.

I’ve come home and feel very low tonight, shedding some tears but I guess that is to be expected. It’s definitely not easy though x

If you haven't already then please do give the 'dumped by text' thread a read, I think you'll find it really inspiring

You are doing brilliantly OP. Keep being strong despite the pain. At least you only need go through it this one time with this self-serving moron....if you go back it will, as PPs say (and as I know from bitter experience) be a constant cycle until you do break free.

What really shocked me was his comment that “if you didn't listen, you would feel” when he previously gave you the silent treatment. Who even thinks that, let alone says it? You’re not some bloody animal for him to train at whim. I am furious for you. You are well rid.

You sound lovely and deserve someone who will respect and value your love.

I am sure others with the same experience will add examples of their own.
stuckinatrap

last night I was going through these different reasonings as to why he acted the way he did or maybe that he is genuinely remorseful but all of them some how didn't make any reasonable sense.
Newbie96

The text he sent held out the hope that he would offer some explanation of what he did.
"I hope your okay and better than the other day, I've calmed down now so if you want to talk we can, if not it's fine"
He knows his prey well. He knows the buttons to press. This is the woman who asked over and over to please talk, to please explain.
So he carefully lays the trap - "If you want to talk, we can"

@Newbie96, this is not an olive branch. It is a baited hook dangling in the water.

He sent this text because he is very angry and very put out that you have stopped massaging his ego by contacting him.

Next up: flying monkeys.
narcissistabusesupport.com/red-flags/use-flying-monkeys/

You need to start thinking of every single thing he says and does as remeditated and with a malign agenda.

The only use he has for an olive branch is to use it to poke someone in the eye.

*premeditated

You bloody amazing woman - you are doing brilliantly. You deserve somebody so much better than that prick

@mathanxiety

This is so wise.

The text he sent held out the hope that he would offer some explanation of what he did.
"I hope your okay and better than the other day, I've calmed down now so if you want to talk we can, if not it's fine"
He knows his prey well. He knows the buttons to press. This is the woman who asked over and over to please talk, to please explain.
So he carefully lays the trap - "If you want to talk, we can" hmm

@Newbie96, this is not an olive branch. It is a baited hook dangling in the water.

He sent this text because he is very angry and very put out that you have stopped massaging his ego by contacting him.

You are so right especially that this is a cleverly baited trap rather than a peace offering.

Well done newbie! You’ve handled this brilliantly. I agree with others that you’ve dodged a bullet here! In the words of the brilliant Maya Angelou, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” This isn’t a man you’d want to be in a long term relationship with. You deserve so much more!

So glad for your sake you have blocked now.

So long as you could receive his messages you were keeping your focus on him. Wondering when he’d text next and wondering whether to reply and so on. Enough of your time has been wasted on this man.

If I were you, I’d take a year off relationships and concentrate on YOU. Get to really know yourself, therapy may help, fall in love with yourself and be your own best friend. Be strong and single and then you can be very choosy about men. With strong boundaries you will know the minute they’ve crossed the line and get them out of your life.

You are young and have the benefit of internet support - you never need to let a man make you feel the way he did the night he turned on you again.

[quote Thefirsttime]@mathanxiety

This is so wise.

The text he sent held out the hope that he would offer some explanation of what he did.
"I hope your okay and better than the other day, I've calmed down now so if you want to talk we can, if not it's fine"
He knows his prey well. He knows the buttons to press. This is the woman who asked over and over to please talk, to please explain.
So he carefully lays the trap - "If you want to talk, we can" hmm

@Newbie96, this is not an olive branch. It is a baited hook dangling in the water.

He sent this text because he is very angry and very put out that you have stopped massaging his ego by contacting him.

You are so right especially that this is a cleverly baited trap rather than a peace offering.[/quote]
Yes, this was a great analysis!

Hey all, still here. Thank you all so much for your support. I have started reading the dumped by text thread also.

I woke up feeling really lonely today, other than you guys, I haven't spoken to anyone IRL since this all happened so it's really starting to hit home but at the same time, I do just want to be alone right now, so it's all very weird.

@Newbie96

Hey all, still here. Thank you all so much for your support. I have started reading the dumped by text thread also.

I woke up feeling really lonely today, other than you guys, I haven't spoken to anyone IRL since this all happened so it's really starting to hit home but at the same time, I do just want to be alone right now, so it's all very weird.

A COVID break-up is especially tough.

Is there a funny box set you can stream and binge on?

Just be good to yourself. Treat yourself like you are recovering from an illness. Eat some nice things.

Hi* again, Newbie*

This is the darkest bit, I'm afraid. The shock is wearing off and that adrenaline that sort of keeps you going on autopilot for a short while is leaving your system.

So this is a new stage of grief.

Hold on, though, acceptance will come and you will stop feeling this way.

Think forward to a year from now when all this will be just something that happened to you, that has taught you something about yourself (I.e. you are strong and don't tolerate bullshit) - and nothing more.

I agree to the Flying Monkeys. One of my favourite bits of the Dumped by Text thread was when her arsehole wasn't getting any responses, so started asking her friend out of faux concern 'how is, running in the rain. I'm really worried about her.'

Friend replied 'She's fine.'

That must have wound him up a treat!

I think you will need to tell people in real life soonish and they will want to support you. I understand not being up to that just yet.

You are doing so, so well. Really. Just be very, very gentle with yourself.

Have you written your list about why you are fucking marvellous and deserve better treatment yet?

If you’re looking for a box set to binge on, Parks and Recreation is a joy. Hilarious, clever and full of tenderness.

Respect to you for your strength OP! Hold on, better days are coming.

I’m so glad you’re reading the Dumped by a text thread OP! I think it will really help and make you feel empowered and not as alone. There’s also ‘Dumped by text 2’ when you finish the first one!

A good box set really helped me with a recent breakup, I watched The Big Bang Theory from start to finish. Something funny and easy on the brain with short episodes (you’ll have a short attention span) is good, I also watched loads of YouTube, there’s plenty of break up therapists offering advice and that helped me no end.

You’re doing amazingly, just keep taking each day as it comes and soon you’ll have a month behind you.

Oh I just read that Dumped by Text thread yesterday, that woman is amazing, best way to handle these things but it's so hard, she's amazing, you can be too OP stay strong

OP, you are amazing. I wish I had had your strength in the past, I would have saved myself so much grief.