What on earth happened?

[Newbie96]

Hi everyone, long time reader but first-time poster. I'll just jump straight into it. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I have been together officially for a year, we've known each other since we were around 13 - 14 and attempted to make a go of it as teenagers (around 18) but it never worked. We've been in contact ever since because we both have mutually been drawn to one another. He often tells me he has compared every woman he's been with to me and to be honest I've done the same.

I am now 25 and he is 27. We got together just before lockdown last year and have spent nearly every waking second with each other since. We had been spending a lot of time together prior to lockdown happening and we both jumped at the opportunity to become each other's support bubbles when the time came and to be honest, it has been total bliss, we genuinely never argue, he is like my bestfriend.

Luckily for us, the lockdown has been kind to us mostly because we've had each other to get through it and it has made us grow extremely closer. I can honestly say the past year we both have agreed that we have been the happiest we've ever been, our relationship being one of the main reasons.

We both live alone and so we stay back and forth between his place and mine, only having to travel now and then for work etc. Due to our history and of course how much time we've spent together, emotions have definitely intensified and I am very much in love with this man, he knows this and tells me he feels the same way.

So fast forward to the weekend just gone, we had planned that I would spend the weekend at his house. I arrive at around 6:30 on Friday evening and things are good but I can sense that something is off/ or that he isn't exactly in the mood. I decide to ignore it but it seems to only get worse. Usually, we would sit down, have a conversation about our day and watch a series episode together which we commentate back and forth with each other but this time it's pure silence. Neither of us was physical with each other, he actually even sat on the furthest part of the sofa away from me. I can honestly say this was the first time I felt a little unwelcome in his home, which is odd considering how much time I have spent there and I've never felt this way before.

I mean maybe I overlooked everything far too much so please tell me if that appears to be the case. An hour of silence goes by, most of the time it was him on his phone whilst I watched the episode by myself, he stands up and asks if I am hungry, I say yeah and he says okay I will cook something for us. As it was the first proper real words we had spoken to each other all night, I decided to ask if everything was okay? he says yeah so in a jokey, laughing tone I ask if he wants me over tonight as it feels a little as if I'm intruding.

Well what happens next I didn't expect it at all, he is stood in the doorway of the living room and begins to get more and more wound up, he starts off by saying "of course I want you over but you have been sat there all night with this miserable look on your face, giving off bad energy" his voice is slightly raised but I don't retaliate and I calmy say "okay well I must have read it wrong, I wasn't trying to give off bad energy, I've been looking forward to seeing you all day" but he is so annoyed and goes off again accusing me of being the reason why the energy is so wrong between us tonight and how dare I blame him for it. I apologise again and say that I must have had a long day. He then goes on to say "well this is weird for me now so I think its best you leave" I am in shock as he walks out of the living room into the kitchen, in an attempt to let things settle, I leave it 5 minutes and walk into the kitchen with him and ask if he would really like me to leave? He responds "I'm just saying maybe its best", the thing is I can see on his face he is visually angry and in my head, I can't figure out why he is so annoyed, over something that in my mind was so trivial and silly. Like a fricken helpless puppy dog, I look at him again and ask if HE wants me to leave? and he responds "you know what yeah I do".

I take myself to the other room and begin packing up my stuff and I can hear him stomping and slamming about. I obviously felt a little confused because the whole situation felt extremely blown out of proportion. Once my things are packed I give it one last attempt and go and sit next to him on the sofa, I ask him if we can talk about this and I gently reach my hand out to touch his arm, but he blows up and is practically foaming from the mouth shouting at me not to touch him and that he just wants me to leave, at one point he swings the front door open and walks out of the front door in nothing his dressing gown, I don't chase him because I was honestly just shocked. He begins texting me telling me to leave his house or he won't come back? - I replied and told him I'm leaving but I would have appreciated it if he came back and just spoke to me. After 5/6 minutes pass, he comes storming back into the flat, pushing past me in the hall and is still foaming at the mouth shouting at how it's my fault and I'm making it worse by not leaving. Like a fool, I started to cry because I could see this has all escalated into a situation I didn't want for us at all. He tells me crying doesn't help the situation so tearfully I leave. As I wait outside for a cab, I check my phone and notice that he has blocked my number, my WhatsApp and my Instagram. I am totally confused and hurt by all of this and in my honest moment of craziness, I create another account on Instagram and message "I'm sorry for everything that just happened, I didn't expect any of that. I accept I was in the wrong and that I read the situation wrong, please can we talk when things are calmer?" he replies "please just let me know when you are home as I won't be able to sleep until I know your home" I leave it and let him know I am home, he bluntly replies "good, night" I again press on and I ask if we can talk? he responds and says "no I just want to go to sleep, we have been so good lately and now I'm laying here crying," I tell him I love him and that I don't want him to be sad, he replies and says he knows I do and that I should go to sleep.

Saturday morning comes and I message saying I hope he is okay and that again when things are calmer can we talk about this? he reads and doesn't respond. Sunday I message again along the same lines but telling him I miss him, again he reads and doesn't respond.

This morning I received a message from him saying "I told you that you were just making everything worse on Friday and you just didn't listen, you just thought you knew better and now I'm going to show you what I meant. I don't care, sorry" I sent some messages, honestly being very weak and pitiful, telling him that I would just like us to talk and sort this out as I miss him and this isn't like us at all, I then check for a response and he has blocked me from that account as well, so there are no ways of contacting him.

I just can't make sense of it all, we have never argued like this ever. I didn't expect him to blow up the way he did after asking him if everything was okay. I just feel like its all my fault for ruining something that we had so good. I feel really sad, low and alone and just wish he would calm down and speak to me.

Please give me your take on this entire, childish and shit situation. Did I do something wrong? and is he really never going to speak to me again over that?

Thank you

Let's look at some potential explanations for his behaviour on the night (in no particular order of importance).

He was stressed about some and decided it entitled him to take it out on you = Not Acceptable

He was testing how poorly he could treat you and still have you coming back for more = Not Acceptable

His ex got in contact and he thought they'd get back together so you should bugger off = Not Acceptable

He met a new woman who he wanted to take for a test run so had to get rid of you for a few days = Not Acceptable

He was being a moody bastard and didn't care how you felt = Not Acceptable

He actively enjoys making you cry = Not Acceptable

I could go on and on but the point is that they they all end up = Not Acceptable.

Someone who loves you, respects you and cares about your feelings does not engineer an absolute mindfuck like the one he pulled for any reason.

The only slightly possible exception being a very serious acute mental health episode but even then, someone going through such most probably wouldn't manage to be so calculating and controlled during an episode as he was. There are plenty of people suffering from mental health issues, doesn't make them behave like this. I only say this because I suspect he will eventually come round to mental health as a reason for his behaviour to use as a get out of jail free card if you don't roll over and take both the blame and him back, it's unfortunately very common excuse that people who play his game often turn to as a last attempt at control.

Just keep asking yourself if you want a repeat of the last few days on an unpredictable loop because if you accept his behaviour this time, you will find it easier to accept next time and even easier the time after. He actually knows this too, which makes it all the much worse in intent from his side. It's an extremely slippery slope, one could actually say a polished ice slope. It ends up with you flat on your arse and a shadow of the wonderful intelligent caring woman you are now.

It will hurt.
Stay strong.
It will pass.

My first thought was that he’s cheated and now he’s trying to turn it around on you to make himself feel better. Whatever it is, doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong. He’s the one with the problem.

Just wanted to jump on and show you some support. I feel like I've been through this way too many times and going back to them NEVER makes it any better.
I hope you keep using this thread to keep yourself strong and healed and that you get past this unfortunate time. Xx

I've just read all this and just wanted to say how much I admire your strength in dealing with this and blocking him. You will start feeling better I promise - even just eating your pasta will help make you feel a little better physically. (I'm also really impressed by the collective compassion and wisdom shown by all the previous posters giving you the benefit of our many many years of experience!)

@Newbie96 I am so happy that you’ve blocked him. You’re doing really well and whilst you’re feeling wobbly right now this will change in time. For now keep looking after yourself - try to eat well and sleep as well as possible. Distraction is good too, keep your mind occupied. It doesn’t have to be anything massive, it could be telly watching or a sudoku or anything. And keep coming back to here, we’re not going anywhere!

Shocking how someone can love you one minute and then just not give a toss the next.

It’s true but sadly it’s one of life’s lessons. All you can do is learn how to handle it if it happens.

So have you read the dumped by text thread mentioned above by PP’s - it will help you stay strong now you’ve deleted him from your life. It will get easier honestly. But it takes time.

He has either mental health problems or he wanted you out of the picture. Either way, don't put yourself through more heartache,it will be wasted.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

This too shall pass. Time is a healer. Nothing is ever the end of the world, even when it feels like it is

Oh Newbie, you are seriously awesome. You don't feel it I know, but keep faking it until you make it - trust me, those feelings will come.

Right now it's going to hurt like hell, but you've acted perfectly - you haven't been sucked in to more of his unreasonable bullshit, haven't handed over control and power to him, and you've acted with such grace and dignity, you should (and will, I promise) feel seriously proud of yourself.

Every time you wobble, think about the advice you'd give a friend. Focus now on what will make you feel good - a walk, a coffee, a long, hot bath, a movie, an early night with a good book, a chat with a friend. Whatever it is, focus on your priorities to look after yourself. You've had a shitty, shitty few days and you need to help yourself to gently bounce back. And you will bounce back, gloriously so, while he'll always be a badly-behaved fuckwit.

Keep your door locked for the next couple of weeks! Just incase Romeo decides to turn up to check on you cos he's 'worried when you didn't reply.' Aka: you can't possibly have ignored me so there must be something wrong with you!!

You’ve mentioned a few times that you don’t understand how someone could leave you so easily, or stop loving you.

Please reframe this in your mind, as thinking of it in this way puts the emphasis on you and makes it as if you are somehow to blame/not loveable/easy to leave. It’s just not true.

Could you do what he has done to anyone? I could not. Therefore it’s all about him. He could do what he’s done to anyone, probably has before and is likely to do it again. If that’s love, it’s not the kind I want.

hannayeah you are right! I could never do this to anyone. I don't understand the mentality of it all.

Luckily he does not have a key to my apartment, so it is all good there.

If I know him at all, which over the last few days I think I've realised I don't as well as I thought I did, his ego is HUGE and wouldn't possibly allow him to grovel, in his mind, he probably thinks that text was an olive branch.

Its like I'm talking about a stranger, i feel like i dont know him anymore

From your first post only (havnt read the whole thread yet ) he sounds like a narc and for me as someone who has experienced abuse it sounds textbook. So sorry. I know how scary it is

I think something else to remember is, even if somehow your silence pissed him off so much, his reaction was totally disproportionate and veering into being threatening.

A mature adult would have asked you if anything was wrong, or responded to your asking that question calmly. He did neither, went straight to 'foaming at the mouth' anger...that's a huge massive red flag. If the idea that his partner might gasp not be happy with him - even allowing for that he was just guessing that, not actually that is was something he knew as a fact - drives him straight to anger...well, that's really worrying.

Even if he used the excuse 'I was stressed by work/family/whatever'... a mature adult would tell their partner that first off: 'I've had a really bad day, I would be better off on my own tonight to get over it', not deliberately pick a fight, which I think this is what he's done. You aren't a mind reader...

Don't give him the chance to do this to you again, because believe me, he will.

Thank you Lilymossflower , it was scary especially now understanding the severity of it after reading the ladies experiences in this thread.

I just feel super disappointed and let down by the man I thought I knew.

Reminds me of what my ex did to me
It really does knock you for 6
I was in complete shock and genuinely went through the grieving process is a way I never did even after a death
There are some pure scumbags about

Just be prepared for him to keep trying.

Especially if he has a huge ego he’s not going to like the lack of control and being ignored.

It looks like he grew tired of your relationship, after you both knowing each other for many years, but as is possible,he couldn't bring himself to do the honourable thing to finally end things, he just boiled over, and used any excuse to blow things apart. And unlike yourself,he didn't want to spend time,to really explain himself, as many men will be like this unfortunately. They can't handle the emotional things, and the crying and pleading from another person. Despite it being an awful thing, to just cut people off, it happens more than you think.

He'll be livid you've ignored him and will try to get in contact just so he can disappear again.

He won't like you taking control from him.

I hope you have a peaceful night.

l've just read the whole thread. As others have said I was waiting for the part where he messaged you again. So totally, utterly predictable. As a 43 year old who spent 8 years in an abusive relationship and has now spent nearly 4 years suffering post separation domestic abuse through child contact, I cannot stress strongly enough, NEVER go back!!! Keep him blocked. This man has the real potential to destroy your life! I don't believe for one minute that's the last you'll hear from him. He's invested too much time and energy into you to let you go. As others have said, expect that knock at the door. This post demonstrates what I love about this site, a group of strangers all offering amazing advice and forming a big, virtual hand hold. You are so incredibly strong OP, I wish I'd had your strength to leave my relationship before the hold was too strong.

Alicenwonderland Thank you so much for your comment, you sound incredibly wise.

I’ve come home and feel very low tonight, shedding some tears but I guess that is to be expected. It’s definitely not easy though x

@Newbie96 you really will look back and realise you dodged a bullet

OP it won't feel like it now but this will be a positive experience for you. You are young, you have plenty of time to meet the right one (or have fun with the wrong ones!) But despite your age you have been wise enough to recognise this isn't right. It's hurting you massively now, and lockdown really can't help, but you've set your bar and you've set it high.
Sadly I've seen too many lovely women waste years on game players like this. Always kept dangling, never quite enough but blaming themselves and constantly appeasing. By the time they wake up, the years are ticking to have a family or the time pressure adds too much to new relationships and they don't survive.
So your future self is holding up a glass and thanking you for doing the brave, and not the easy thing, now. Take care and know that you are strong, even though it comes with tears

@Newbie96 sending you lots of love! Try and distract yourself. Have your favourite treat and watch your favourite film. Just know you are strong and will be thankful one day that this happened. Bullet massively dodged!