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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend being forceful

67 replies

lana135 · 28/02/2021 19:07

Hi so I need some advice on how to deal with this. Me and my bf have been together for almost 3 years and have a 5 month old son together. Don't mean to be a Debby downer but In the past I have boyfriends rape me and force me to do all sorts of sexual things I've said no to and understandably I have some trauma from it all.

So my bf has recently got into the habit of forcing french kissing. He knows I'm not one for tongues but I agreed to try a little bit here and there as i know he really likes it. But recently he's been getting really forceful with it. A few weeks back he quite literally shoved his tongue down my throat and thrashed it about despite me repeatedly trying to push him off. Today he wanted to snog before he said goodbye and I said I didn't mind a quick peck but no tongue as I'd literally just been a bit sick in my mouth from indigestion. Sorry tmi. He said he didn't care and I said I did. He then tried sticking his tongue in my mouth and when I said no he weirdly licked all over my face and neck.

Later on I messaged him asking him if he could just agree when i ask him not to use his tongue and his response was "I didn't even get it in there so stop moaning" to which I replied 'yes you did and I didn't like it'. He then sent a thumbs up, I replied with 'wow' then He said "what? The heart emoji conveys the wrong message".

What the fuck do I do here. He's never been forceful in any way other than groping at innapropriate times. It feels really violating and he acts like he just doesn't care that I don't like It. I feel so stupid writing this and I have no one I'm close to who I can discuss this with so please don't be too harsh on me

OP posts:
TooMinty · 28/02/2021 19:14

It doesn't sound like he respects your boundaries. I know you have a child together but I think you should consider making him an ex. Licking your face was a power play. He clearly doesn't care what you find a turn on.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 28/02/2021 19:16

He's testing your boundaries - do not let this escalate. Tell him in no uncertain terms that his new 'kissing' style is repulsive to you and you will not be going near him unless he stops. It will be interesting to see his response. He's male so likely will minimise and distract from the issue. But he eithers stops and respects you, or he continues to assault you. If the first thing happens give him the benefit of doubt, but be alert to further boundary issues. If the later, sorry but its LTB as this will go nowhere good. I know its said a lot here, but do look up the freedom programme as well to help you with asserting your boundaries and recognising problem behaviours.

Arrivederla · 28/02/2021 19:16

Absolutely trampling all over your boundaries here op. Sad

agreyersky · 28/02/2021 19:20

God he sounds bloody awful! He has no respect for you.

Original poster
lana135 · 28/02/2021 19:23

Yeah it really sucks because we were putting things Into the works to try and improve our relationship. He moved out for a bit of space and were on a waiting list for couples therapy. I've had the freedom program recommended before and funnily enough my boyfriend didn't want me to do it as he though I would 'think he was abusive and leave'

OP posts:
StillWeRise · 28/02/2021 19:27

this is abusive
as others have said he is testing your boundaries. What this means is, he's deliberately doing stuff he knows you don't like. If you agree to it (for whatever reason, like say to avoid an argument or because you are tired) he'll then find something else that you don't like and 'persuade' you to accept that.
The reason he does it is because he wants to control you. He probably doesn't even really like french kissing- it's about getting you to do what HE wants regardless of what YOU want.

StillWeRise · 28/02/2021 19:29

ha! doesn't want you to do the freedom programme
That says it all really. I'd be very interested to hear how he knows what the freedom prorgamme is. Have you had a Clare's Law done on him?

Regularsizedrudy · 28/02/2021 19:29

I’m sorry op but this is not okay. If someone asks you not to do something, you stop doing it. Even more so if it is someone you are supposed to love. He is trampling all over your boundaries and trying to wear you down. This is an abusive man.

TooMinty · 28/02/2021 19:30

Definitely do the Freedom Program. I'm not sure I'd bother with Couples Therapy, your update is pushing me more towards LTB now.

RonaldMcDonald · 28/02/2021 19:33

He sounds like a complete tool.

Get free from him ASAP

Shoxfordian · 28/02/2021 19:33

He is abusive
He’s shoving his tongue in your mouth when you don’t want it there. Maybe try biting it next time so he learns his lesson. Or don’t let there be a next time and end it with him

Ruminating2020 · 28/02/2021 19:34

Others have said it before me. He is violating your boundaries and his behaviour won't get any better. It is abusive.

partyatthepalace · 28/02/2021 19:34

This is assault OP - it is abusive and invasive and he knows it - he's doing it to upset and confuse you. And as the PP says, his plan is to push your boundaries so he can begin the process of bringing you under his control.

It sounds like you've had a very rough time with relationships. I think it would be a good idea if he moved back out and you did the Freedom Programme - the mere fact that someone recommended it to you indicates that all is not well in your relationship. If you've had a rough time in the past it may be that your concept of what is abusive and what isn't is skewed.

Can you suggest he moves out again for some space, do the programme (no need to mention it to him) and then decide what is best for you and your child?

Original poster
lana135 · 28/02/2021 19:34

One of my biggest fears is that he will end up influencing my son's relationship/sexual behaviour when he grows up. We really are trying to work things out as it's kind of our last chance. Funnily enough i think you commented on a post I made about my bf in the past on a old account and its making me really consider leaving.

OP posts:
Original poster
lana135 · 28/02/2021 19:37

He has just recently moved out. He comes to visit to see his son and give me a 'break' ever so often. He has only been moved out a week which is why I'm reluctant to break things off as we both really want to get therapy and work on building a healthier relationship

OP posts:
StillWeRise · 28/02/2021 19:40

You are right to be thinking about your son OP.
Even in the short term, what kind of Dad is he going to be? An abusive man is NEVER a good Dad. Is he on the BC?
I think get some advice in real life, from a local domestic abuse service, they can help you think clearly about the relationship, and plan how to leave safely.

Original poster
lana135 · 28/02/2021 19:43

His is on BC, against everyone's advice Confused

OP posts:
Champagneandmonstermunch · 28/02/2021 19:43

He is really not acting like someone who wants to build a healthier relationship! His behaviour has been appalling. The fact that he is doing this, at a time when you are apparently trying to sort your relationship out, makes it even worse.

Druidlookingidiot · 28/02/2021 19:44

Massive red flag @lana135

Look out for yourself love.

Original poster
lana135 · 28/02/2021 19:45

His problem is that he sees everything as a joke

OP posts:
BaggoMcoys · 28/02/2021 19:46

These are the kind of things that if you stay with him, you'll look back on in a few years and think "why didn't I leave then?". I've been there op. It's not worth it. He's disrespectful of you and your boundaries, and in my experience these guys will get worse and worse as time goes on. I assume he knows about your past but even if he doesn't that is no excuse. Sometimes I feel we allow certain behaviour from heterosexual men towards women and kind of play it down. I hope this doesn't offend anyone but what I used to do sometimes was to imagine what if the person crossing the boundaries was a man doing it to another man. Then I could easily see it's wrong - this is how I used to think things through when I was confused as to whether a guy had crossed the line with me or not. I'm much better at recognising things now, but when you're used to experiencing a lot of bad treatment from men and when you've not really had a healthy relationship yourself or seen one from your parents etc, I think it can be hard to know sometimes.

I have a few sexual hangups myself as a result of my own boundaries being infringed. I am with a new dp now, and he knows about my issues but even before he knew anything he was always respectful of me and my wishes. He's never forced me to do anything I didn't want to do to, and has let me take the lead on trying things I wasn't sure about or were scared of. It's because of his attitude and behaviour that I've felt safe and secure enough to try things that I was scared of - one of my things was kissing with tongues, the same as you. I tried it with him and I really love it now, but before when I didn't want to do it, not once did he ever push me to, or just go and stick his tongue in my throat. That's not how a loving relationship works and you deserve far better.

The fact your bf warned you off the freedom programme is a huge warning sign in itself and says to me that you should step away from this relationship as soon as you can. I thoroughly recommend you do the programme. I did and it was brilliant. Your bf doesn't need to know, and hopefully it will open your eyes to a few things.

Some things I learned in therapy too: it's ok to say no, it's ok to change your mind and it's ok to make mistakes. That might seem a bit random, but those statements have stuck with me and helped me with a lot of situations.

floofycroissant · 28/02/2021 19:49

@Shoxfordian

He is abusive He’s shoving his tongue in your mouth when you don’t want it there. Maybe try biting it next time so he learns his lesson. Or don’t let there be a next time and end it with him
Do not bite him! This is a stupid suggestion that may incite physical abuse.

I'm sorry you're going through this again OP. You deserve better.

Original poster
lana135 · 28/02/2021 19:49

The whole thing about imagining a man doing it to another man is oddly very helpful. I do think I have a tendency to severely downplay things. My bf once cried to me down the phone about a gay friend of his trying to kiss him, starting to realize my reaction isn't wrong at all!

OP posts:
candycane222 · 28/02/2021 19:50

He doesn't necessarily sed ig ax a joke, but he can say 'it was just a joke' to dismiss you and your views, when you try to assert your dislike of your behaviour.

StillWeRise · 28/02/2021 19:52

If he's on the BC you will have to keep up some kind of relationship with him (if he wants it). On the other hand, he will have to give you ££ for your son. However the fact that he 'visits' his son to 'give you a break' suggests he doesn't see himself as an equally responsible parent. If he did he'd be trying to have your son 50/50 unless you are breast feeding.

You say you've had previous 'boyfriends' rape you, I'm very sorry to read that. But maybe think about what that experience has done to your expectations of men. Just because this one doesn't actually rape you doesn't mean he's OK. It's been said elsewhere but the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is ZERO.
There are decent men out there who love their partners and their children and would never dream of behaving like your current boyfriend (or the previous ones)

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